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Sigh. Cheating + Fitness

Posted by rosesforthedead , 17 February 2013 · 224 views

It's been a while. I've had so much shit going on it's retarded. Probably the biggest thing is that I found out my husband has been cheating basically the entire time we've been married. So that's fucking fantastic. I found his profile on a dating site when I needed to use his computer for something. It was right there in his browser history, so there's really no denying that. He claims he never actually met anyone, just traded nasty pictures and sex talk, basically. He claims he did it because he thought I wanted nothing to do with him because at times I can be extremely distant and cold. So instead of just talking to me (because I tend to be a serious rage-a-holic) he decided to seek attention elsewhere. I don't know how much of this I actually buy. He's been lying to me the entire time we've been married, so why the fuck should I believe him when he says he's never physically cheated. I still consider what he's been doing extremely adulterous. As someone with intense trust issues, I'm not sure where to go from here. It's doubtful that I will ever be able to trust him again. He has since given me full access to his cell phone (which he changed the number to "ease my mind" a little bit for what that's worth) and his email, his facebook, etc. Thing is, I don't fucking want to be that person anymore. I've come a LONG way, and despite his shitty scandalous behavior, I still don't have much desire to look through his personal things. I shouldn't have to do that to make sure everything is on the up and up. I should be able to trust that he wouldn't do that to me cause I sure as fuck wouldn't do it to him. He has since began going to therapy himself and our communication seems to be getting better. I may be a rage-a-holic at times, but I am nowhere near as god awful as he seems to believe I am. He has his own set of issues he needs to deal with and overcome. For instance, he came home the other night from work and was dead tired and wanted to sleep. He looks at me and frantically asks me a million times if I'm mad that he wants to go to sleep. Wtf? No. Why would I be? He got up at 5am and worked 13 hours. Of course he's tired. He's paranoid that I'm always mad at him when I'm not. I act in such a way that this should be painfully obvious. I cook his dinner, clean his house, do his laundry, etc. If I was mad, he would damn well know it. So for the last year I guess he has been operating under the assumption that I am constantly pissed at him..and I hardly ever am. I don't even snap at him or argue with him or anything. In fact, I wasn't even aware that there was much of a problem aside from his video game addiction. As he works through his issues with his therapist, I'm starting to come to the conclusion that it really isn't me. I've been in therapy long enough to understand my emotions and behaviors and I do have a great deal of control over them. It's extremely rare for me to act out or speak out of turn to anyone these days. I'm extremely proud of my progress. So I don't know what the future will hold. I've agreed to work through this, or try to. I don't know if I'll be able to. We're going to do marriage counseling, he's going to continue individual therapy. If things do not improve and I don't feel I can trust him ever again, I have to walk away. The fact that this has been going on the entire time we've been married is just disgusting. It's a bitter ass pill to swallow. It's true that things have gotten marginally better, but we have a long and bumpy road ahead of us. We'll see how that plays out.

I think we've also grown substantially apart. The only thing we've had in common for the last several months is World of Warcraft, and he doesn't play all that much (and admittedly, neither do I) anymore. So we've kind of been doing our own things. I've been focusing on school and fitness, and he's been playing some other online game with his friends from home. For the last 7 weeks or so I've made some major changes. I've been doing research on nutrition and dieting and fitness, as well as actually working out six days per week for at least an hour each time. I've been doing this in the privacy of my own home due to being extremely out of shape and not wanting to shell out the money for a gym membership. I've learned a lot, most of it I already knew from studying Biology extensively, but for some reason never applied it. I have since cut out all soda (that was a fairly long process) and started making smarter choices regarding food intake. Prior to my researching, I was going on all these stupid ass crazy diets that frankly do not work and are not sustainable. I eat better now still including some junk food than I ever did when I was trying to restrict myself. I do restrict my calorie intake, but not by much, and I don't really restrict what I eat. I just changed HOW I eat it. As a result, I am feeling less depressed, have more energy, and am starting to get some motivation back in other aspects of my life. I do still have drowning lows, please do not get me wrong. But I do feel a lot better than I have in a long time and I think I can contribute that to taking better care of my body. I do belong to a gym now. My husband and I go to the gym 6 days every week and work together to accomplish our fitness goals. He pushes me to do more, I push him to do more. It's a positive thing because we're spending more time together and it gives us something else in common. I'm liking it a lot. Since I have made changes to my food intake and started going to an actual gym rather than doing at-home videos etc, the weight is literally melting off of my body. People are shocked when I tell them how much I actually weigh. It's not even like I cover myself up. I wear tight clothing, short dresses, etc. I am just fortunate in how I'm proportioned. When I discussed my weight loss goals with a trainer, she looked at me like I'm insane. I told her I'd like to lose 50-60lbs and she said "there is no way." She weighed me and was like "Oh I see.. well. You could lose 50-60lbs and be in a healthy weight range, but I would have guessed that you weigh about 35lbs less than you actually do." I am 5'6" and I now weigh 183lbs. One week ago I weighed 190lbs. I did consult with a trainer, but neglected to follow through. I don't feel I need a personal trainer. I do know a great deal about fitness and nutrition myself. I really did lose 7lbs in one week. It's probably mostly water since it came off so quickly. But I'm not doing anything unhealthy. I eat around 1600-1800 calories per day, I still eat sugar and sweets and carbohydrates. I do 45min of high intensity interval training 4 days a week and strength/resistance training 2 days a week. I feel good about this.

Now I just need to sort out of personal life. Maybe one day I'll get there. Until next time..

I just wanted you to know that I read your entry and find you to be a very strong person.  Good job on the fitness part of your life.  As to the other...I do like the way you are taking your time with it. 

Take care and well done xo

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I am so sorry you are going through this.

Infidelity is very painful.

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