Overkill

34 days 8 hours 44 mins.
I made myself a small souvenir for 30 days. It's a small rock with "Hope" on one said and "30 Days 6-6-13" on the back. I engraved the rock, but I hold it in my hand and rub it to remind my self of the milestone. Remind myself so I don't fall back. And boy am I in danger of falling back. I know I should get rid of my blades, I had...

30 days w/o cutting. I hope I can keep it up.

So  I had an appointment this morning with a brand new GP because I didn't believe the one I was seeing was taking my pain issues seriously. I've had near constant joint pain for the last two, maybe three months. It has become unbearable. I get down to scoop the kitty litter and by the time I'm done I'm in tears because it hurts so much. I think I mention...

Great, good for me, I'm ready to own up to this.
I have been bindging. I have purged a few times afterwards, but not all the time. The purging i mean, I bindg all the fucking time. I feel like I've totally lost control where my eating is concerned, and for those of you who read my blog, you'll know how important control, at least precieved control is to m...

So I haven't been on my second anti-psyc since Friday. I can't get it approved through my insurance and my pdoc doesn't have any samples. I haven't been letting on to Ron how it has been for me. I have Zyprexa I can take, but I don't want to because I'm fucking fat.
It's been hard to hold it together, but I think I have done alright. The big issue is sti...

Talked to my pdoc over the phone on Fri because I'm not sleeping well and I'm still having positive symptoms.. He told me I was doing much better because I hadn't cut sense the last time I had seen him.That's 11 days 12 hours 7 mins.
OK doc yeah, that's the litmus test. I haven't cut on myself so I'm doing better.
What I failed to tell him was about the t...

Instead it was hell.
I'm slowly wading into the shallow end of working. I keep trying to tell myself that my plan is a good one and I should stick to it. But I still want to jump off the high dive right into the deep end.
The plan is to sub next year and try to get a regular 3x/week schedule. If I prove myself stable enough after a year of subbing I wil...

I got out of the hospital on April 30th. I was doing fine for the first few days. The desire to SI started to come out strong. I cut 3x from the 1st to today (May 8th). The first time it was five shallow cuts. The next time it was 20 cuts, still superficial but it bled more. I turned napkin after napkin red letting the blood soak through. It was beautiful...

Sadly, sadly the sun rose. It rose on no sadder sight then the man of good intention and good abilities, incapable of their directed use, incapable of his own help and his own happiness, sensible of the blight upon him, resigned to let it eat him away.
Charles Dickens

I shall never be better then I am. I shall sink lower and be worse.
Charles Dickens

I...

My husband read that last entry and, yeah, he marched my ass to inpatient. Went to a new hospital. Well the hospital is new-ish, but it was new to me.
They were very strict, they locked the door to your room from 8am to 8pm. Visitors could only visit every Tues, Thurs, and Sun. And for only 45 mins. And the thing that sucked about that was because of all...