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Posted by Damik , 21 November 2013 · 239 views

OK, so looking back it has only been 17 days since I got out of the hospital. It was an unhelpful expierence. Except for Cody. I still haven't hurt myself because of Cody. I had hope when I left the hospital because of Cody.

Where did that hope go?

My pdoc changed my AD. Last week I lied to him and told him it was working even though it wasn't. It hasn...


Um, distressed?

Posted by Damik , 20 November 2013 · 218 views

Is that even right? I wonder what the etymology of the word distressed is. Right now it seems like a nonsense word. I am so off point, but, yeah, I don't even know what my point is.

I'm wasting time until my DUI case is heard in less than an hour. I am seriously having kittens right now. I can't believe that I could possibly ruin my future with a DUI cas...


Shh, a little quiet time now, please

Posted by Damik , 18 November 2013 · 1196 views

There is so much going on in my head. None of it good. I've been obsessing about self injury. The thought just pops in with ways I can do it. Oh god, I just thought of a new way that seems so tantalizing. Really the thought just popped into my head and all I can think is that would be so good. I want to try it, but I'm making myself type this out instead....


OK... I might have to change my pdoc

Posted by Damik , 15 November 2013 · 195 views

I totally lied to his face today. I don't know why. I don't do that. I'm always honest with my care providers. The only thing I can think of is that he is so excited about this new drug he has me on and I don't want to disappoint him. Crazy, right? But when he asked me I told him that I was doing much better even though I'm still struggling.


It's not his job. :(

Posted by Damik , 14 November 2013 · 322 views

I'm going to bitch here, because my husband and sister are sick of hearing my bitch.

It is an easy problem to solve, and I could fix it so simply, I don't know why I can't, why I don't.

I hate being a lady sometimes.

I am well past due for a pap smear and my GP has been insisting that I get it done. I went in to see him last week because of a sinus i...


I don't know, I'm so lost

Posted by Damik , 10 November 2013 · 211 views

I don't know what I want to write. I have been looking at a blank page the words won't come out. I went IP on the 21st of Oct and got out a week ago. It was a bad experience. The dr I had invalidated everything that I told her. Apparently I'm not depressed I'm angry. I'm not suicidal, I'm smug. I didn't get sick while I was in the hospital I was just atte...


Its going to be OK

Posted by Damik , 16 October 2013 · 198 views

I'm seeing my pdoc tomorrow.
I've still been spiraling.
I've stopped being med compliant. Yeah, that's a good idea, but I don't know how to be right now. I hold the pills in my hand and I cry unable to take them because they just don't fucking work.
I have progressed past the point where I don't want to exist anymore. I'm to the point where I worry that...


insert change here

Posted by Damik , 11 October 2013 · 191 views

So should I just be happy that I got almost a year off of my depression? My big worry is that I started going downhill in Sept. In Aug. I dropped down from 300mg to 100mg of my thorazine and I know that the thorazine was helping with my depression. And it seems like it would be so easy to go up on the dosage but I was such a zombie at the higher dose. It...


I may have mentioned

Posted by Damik , 11 October 2013 · 223 views

I'm going through a depressive period right now. I didn't call my pdoc until the day before yesterday even though I've seen this coming for over a month. My husband is real upset at me and says he doesn't think I'm capable of taking care of myself.

I have gotten to the point in my depression I don't really care. I don't think things are going to get bett...


When. I called when!

Posted by Damik , 08 October 2013 · 207 views

I don't want to die.
I just don't want to be anymore.
I don't want to exist.
I feel worn down.
Dragged 'round
This will make it better because I will have control again.
I will have feelings again.
I can say 'That there, that feeling is pain'.
Not this endlessness I am feeling right now.
153 d 10 h and I just don'...

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