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The ins and outs of loneliness


I created a facebook group ...

Posted by Angeni Mai , 01 March 2014 · 147 views
Facebook, networking, art, love and 2 more...
Well, as the title suggests, I've created a Facebook group. It's a group for people who have a diagnosis or suspect having Borderline Personality Disorder and like to dabble in the arts. No matter your medium, all art is welcome. Please read the rules in the description of the group.


I hope to get this...


Lets help our friend out!

Posted by Angeni Mai , 21 February 2014 · 140 views
helping others and 1 more...
Not really much to report. School is going well. Life is going well.

Just wanted to help out a dear friend. You can help too! Please click on the link below, then "like" and "share". That's all you have to do to help out. 150 likes is the goal and it will help them get their new car. All help is much appreciated!



Just another sleepless night

Posted by Angeni Mai , 16 February 2014 · 87 views
insomnia, tired, creative and 2 more...
I am feeling pretty well lately. Ever since being put on Saphris, my life has changed for the better. It has literally been my saving grace. There is so much more that I can do and not be afraid of having a meltdown, outburst, or panic attack. I hope that my doctor will let me stay on it for a while, if not long term.
School is going very well. I have com...


Turning tides

Posted by Angeni Mai , 29 January 2014 · 94 views
changing, worse and better
Well, nobody ever said that I would feel good forever. I can't stop feeling like I'm just a waste of time and space. I don't understand why I have to feel like this. I would love to be stable for a while before having another change in how I feel but I can't seem to do that. Just ONCE I would love to feel like I actually matter and what I do has a positiv...


Ready to move forward

Posted by Angeni Mai , 23 January 2014 · 112 views
college, English, class, school
I signed up for English 102 yesterday. I am ready to start class already. I hope this is a good sign of what is to come.

I called the head of the English department a little while ago. She said that taking English 101 and 102 with the combination of creative writing and regular composition is extra, not necessity, to be accepted into the Creative Writin...


Returning to college

Posted by Angeni Mai , 19 January 2014 · 221 views
anxiety, scared, excited, nervous and 2 more...
I will be going to officially register for classes on Tuesday. I would go tomorrow but it is MLK day tomorrow and all schools are closed in observation of said day.

I am so excited to be going back to school but, at the same time, I am scared shitless. What if I fail? What if I get anxiety and start cutting classes like I did back when I was in my second...


The anxiety saga

Posted by Angeni Mai , 13 January 2014 · 135 views
anxiety, scared, agoraphobia and 4 more...
Well, it was good while it lasted.

Anxiety/ panic attacks are back and, apparently, here to stay. I've been having constant anxiety coupled with sporadic panic attacks and it's not getting any better. I'm not sure what caused it to start up again as I am on a daily med regiment to control it but it's not working anymore apparently.

There are a couple...


New revelations ... SHORT UPDATE

Posted by Angeni Mai , 11 January 2014 · 143 views
inpatient, diagnosis, Borderline and 2 more...
Well, I am now amongst the people diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

That is all.


Residential treatment a no go ... :(

Posted by Angeni Mai , 31 December 2013 · 244 views

I have recently come to the realization that my best chance at recovery for all of my issues would be to enter a long-term residential treatment program. Easy to apply? Yes. Easy on the wallet? HELL NO!

I did some research into treatment facilities near me that treat most or all of my disorders and issues relating to them. The best fit was a treatment ce...


I'm mixed and I know it ...

Posted by Angeni Mai , 31 December 2013 · 140 views

This is the Fifth night in the last week That I have not been able to sleep due to being in a mixed episode. If I was purely manic I would be able to handle it well but not sleeping in a mixed state is terribly dangerous for me, as I am even more unstable than in a manic or depressed state.

I hate being mixed because I am energetic but too unmotivated t...


Long overdue updates!

Posted by Angeni Mai , 29 December 2013 · 150 views

Hey guys! I'm sorry it has been so long since my last update. 2013 has been a long, hectic year for me.

In April I was admitted to an inpatient facility and was there for a month but wasn't doing any better once I left. I was sent back five subsequent times and am still not doing very well. My therapist wants me to go back inpatient and to rehab come mid...



Posted by Angeni Mai , 15 April 2013 · 132 views

Prayers So far there are officially 22 injured, 2 killed by whomever decided to be an asshole and set off two bombs at the finish line of the Boston Marathon. I will be praying for them all.

Hopefully the death toll does not rise.


Sleepless in Maryland

Posted by Angeni Mai , 15 April 2013 · 216 views
tired, depressed, anxious
Sleepless in Maryland Well, it doesn't have the same ring, nor plot, as Sleepless in Seattle but you get the idea. I didn't really sleep much at all last night. I managed to fall asleep at 9 pm and sleep until 11:30 pm, but after that it was a lost cause. I'm wondering whether it is purely depression related, anxiety related (because of my doctor appointments tomorrow), or a m...


So ... yeah ...

Posted by Angeni Mai , 14 April 2013 · 282 views
infection, shit, angry, family and 6 more...
So ... yeah ... Nothing but a bunch of shit. Feel like shit. Look like shit. I am shit. Nothing to contribute and am no good to anybody. Why is it that I even exist? What do I have to offer? Why can't I just attempt to kill myself and actually die?! I've tried so many times but it never works. Last time I tried, I was kneeling over the toilet for forty minutes, throwing...



Posted by Angeni Mai , 10 April 2013 · 229 views
trauma, past, scared, angry, rant
I keep thinking back to when I was a kid and everything was good but I don't have many happy memories to keep me going. The only real memories I have are of my parents and I fighting, physically and verbally, and it breaks my heart. I feel like I had my childhood stolen from me, all because my parents "weren't happy together". I still have nightmares abou...


Hit the road Jack

Posted by Angeni Mai , 09 April 2013 · 112 views
loss, friends, lonely, moving on and 1 more...
I am officially done with the backstabbing weasel I used to call my friend. You can call me names and treat me like shit but going behind my back and telling my best friend, that I have known for four times the length of time I have known you, that I mouthed her to you crosses that line that we cannot come back from. I know you'll try to say you did nothi...


Well, that went well ...

Posted by Angeni Mai , 09 April 2013 · 149 views
angry, sad, rant, upset, friends and 1 more...
"I used to think that ending up alone was the worst thing that could happen. I was wrong. The worst thing that could happen is ending up with people who make you feel alone." ~ Robin Williams

It's funny how people rely so much on you for their own happiness and stability but yet they turn on you on the flip of a coin because they don't like something you...


Just as quickly as it came ...

Posted by Angeni Mai , 08 April 2013 · 127 views
Sad, angry, mad, pissed
Just as quickly as the happiness came, it is gone again. Too many people in my life bringing me down for the people I choose to have in my life. I want to be friends with everybody and make everybody else happy but what good is that doing me if I am constantly put down by these people and then forgive them far easier than they deserve to be? I am not the...


Silver lining?

Posted by Angeni Mai , 07 April 2013 · 136 views
better, happy, strange, fun
Today has been topsy-turvy to say the least. It started out like most other days, waking up and having my dad bitch at me for sleeping so late. After a while of laying in bed I got up and went out to the living room and was called some names so I came back in my room and got online.

Around 5 pm my dad called me out to the living room, asking me if I was...


Wanting it all to end

Posted by Angeni Mai , 05 April 2013 · 243 views

My dad is really pushng me to the brink. He acts like I am no good and have nothing of value to contribute. I want to turn around and ask him if he's wanting to die himself or wants to bury me anytime soon because at this rate, that's exactly what is going to happen.

I made an appointment to go to my PCP the same morning as I go to my new pdoc. PCP appoi...

July 2014

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