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The ins and outs of loneliness


Lost and overwhelmed

Posted by Angeni Mai , 19 May 2015 · 65 views

I got an offer to move to Minnesota with a friend, however, this offer does not come without sacrifices. To move there, I would need to leave my baby boy, Nyx, behind. I'd have to leave him here because the apartment complex in which my friend lives does not allow pets. This leaves me at a strong loss because I need to get away from my dad's house but I h...


Pointless blog

Posted by Angeni Mai , 12 May 2015 · 86 views

I hate being me. One moment it's as if I'm perfectly fine, just as normal and well adjusted as everybody else in the non-MI world and then ... BOOM! ... it's as if a torrent of unwarranted emotion and idiocy is unleashed in my head. Nothing seems right for who knows how long, my moods become even more erratic than their previously recorded "herpa-derps",...



Posted by Angeni Mai , 28 April 2015 · 89 views

The tick tock
of the clock;
beating of the metronome
as I long for a home,
leaves my mind frayed -
should I have stayed?

I staggered 'round the bush
but it felt like a push
as my wings molted
my heart being jolted
the stability ceases
and I crumble to pieces.

Time marches away
as I long to stay
but the pounding of time
puts me in a bind.
Deciding not to...


Falling apart

Posted by Angeni Mai , 13 April 2015 · 115 views

Everything seemed to be going so well and now everything is falling apart again. My roommate/ friend just told me tonight that she may be moving to Florida this coming Autumn. I can't even describe the way that made me feel. I just can't.

On top of it all she is being secretive towards me but she is opening up to our other roommate, and that really ange...


I just don't know anymore

Posted by Angeni Mai , 29 March 2015 · 130 views

My thoughts are a blur. My mind is a mess. Everything I thought I knew, I really don't. I feel lost and broken with an unrelenting self-hatred that never lets me feel like I am decent or good enough. I get depressed and suicidal at the drop of a hat and then overly ecstatic and restless for no real reason. My doctors seem as confused as I am and it doesn'...


No more

Posted by Angeni Mai , 14 March 2015 · 170 views

"I don't want you to save me, I want to save myself," she cried out through the roaring of the flames that clung to her body, tormenting her every waking moment. Her cries ripped through her soul, crushing her spirits and sucking the last of the breath from her lungs as her body fell limp upon the blades beneath her.

There was an intermittent silence af...



Posted by Angeni Mai , 13 March 2015 · 124 views

I moved almost 2 weeks ago and it is going great. However, despite everything going well, I am struggling with being "on my own" away from my father.

My roommates treat me so well. They treat me like an actual human that has a brain and don't try to order me around. I am not use to this. I am use to being told what to do, when to do it, and how to do it...


The Living Dead

Posted by Angeni Mai , 26 February 2015 · 106 views

They buried her, though she was still breathing. The every day anonymity, ignorance, and struggle of existence took the place of the coffin, all stifling her as breath drew past her lips, crushing her vocal structures on its way to her lungs and leaving a voiceless creature in its wake.

Day by day, the crushing nature of the breaths she drew crushed ever...


Fucking wonderful

Posted by Angeni Mai , 20 February 2015 · 131 views

For the last couple months I have been having these small breaks from reality where it is kind of like a split second dream while I'm still awake but it comes and goes over a few days and then I'm fine for a few weeks. However, over the last couple of days it has become really severe to where I'm having a hard time distinguishing fiction from reality most...


Be My Eyes

Posted by Angeni Mai , 28 January 2015 · 140 views

I just came upon a great way to help others, without even having to leave home, thanks to a friend. Basically what you do is sign up and then volunteer some of your time via the app to be available to describe things via video to a person on the other end whom is blind.



A decent day

Posted by Angeni Mai , 27 January 2015 · 59 views

Today was actually a good day. Spent most of it skyping with my Love. Had a wonderful time talking to him.

I finally heard back from the neuropsych who will be screening me for ADHD and Bipolar and he said to come in on February 17th at 6pm. I am ready to find out what is really going on.


Mood swings, insomnia, and the likes

Posted by Angeni Mai , 25 January 2015 · 114 views

Well, despite having a tdoc appt yesterday, my mood swings and insomnia got the better of me. I ended up taking a lot of trazodone yesterday and slept for about 14 hours after taking it. I feel better than yesterday (not suicidal for one) but my mood is still all over the map.

I need to call a neuropsychologist tomorrow, by request of my tdoc, to see whe...


Old poem

Posted by Angeni Mai , 22 January 2015 · 71 views

Through Another's Eyes by Linsey Lynn Matthews © 2011

We do not realize
what we have.
We know not of love
nor of hate.
We only want to leave behind what we have
and move on from today.

The new day dawns,
and we see what we feared;
Our dreams have lead us down the crooked path
and clear over a precipice,
which alters our lives
for better and for wo...


Not sure but more sure than ever

Posted by Angeni Mai , 21 January 2015 · 117 views

It seems my mood has evened out ... for now.

Checked my account and it is now sitting at -$47.29. With any luck, I'll have at least $100 left out of the tuition refund to make sure there isn't additional deficit and fees associated with insufficient funds in the account.

I had some wild mood swings yesterday and ended up taking 200mg of Trazodone as o...


No hope

Posted by Angeni Mai , 17 January 2015 · 162 views

It seems like every time I get one foot in front of the other, something always comes along to knock me back 20 paces.

Saw my pdoc on Thursday. Told him the Pristiq isn't working and that I'm having more trouble than usual sleeping. All he did was give me Trazadone in addition to the Pristiq and told me to come back in 3 months. I feel like he isn't list...


Thank you

Posted by Angeni Mai , 01 January 2015 · 178 views

Thank you to my parents for not seeing my pain.
Thanks to my friends who knew and didn't care.
Thanks to the strangers who seemed to care but I could never open up to.
Thanks to myself for being a loser and idiot. The mediocre person nobody wanted but everybody was stuck with.

Thanks to myself for setting myself free.


No faith, help/ advice welcomed

Posted by Angeni Mai , 05 December 2014 · 152 views

How do you believe in yourself when you don’t have faith that you can do anything? I’ve always done this thing where I don’t believe people when they tell me good things about myself but am quick to believe people who tell me I am terrible and ugly.
My issue is that I think I am going to bomb my church solos and I need to figure out how I can have fai...


Some hope but I need your guys' help

Posted by Angeni Mai , 21 November 2014 · 167 views

So, I entered a scholarship competition and that's giving me some hope but I need your help to get to the top 5. Please vote for me at http://www.drpeppertuition.com/#goals ... Mine is "Linsey M".

If you don't feel like my goal is worthy, then vote for a goal you feel is worthy.


Never good enough

Posted by Angeni Mai , 12 November 2014 · 195 views

Yesterday, well, technically two days ago, I was offered an audition for a spot in the local a capella group named Inner Harmony. I was thrilled for about an hour but then the doubt set in - what if I'm not good enough? What if they don't like my voice or say I suck? What if I have to go IP or am at tdoc or pdoc during rehearsals? What if .... what if ......


.... insert meaningless title here ...

Posted by Angeni Mai , 08 November 2014 · 149 views

Words. What do they all mean? I mean, we all know how to use them to - build each other up, tear each other down, give our condolences, show our gratitude, send our love, etc etc etc - however what, in the grand scheme of things, do all of these words really mean? Do they really tell how we feel or are they simply as deceiving as the faces around us? How...

May 2015

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