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Fodder for therapy

Posted by bluechick , 17 February 2013 · 124 views

I've been having nightmares for the last four nights. It's starting to get old. So I'm going to blog them so I can take them to my therapist.

First some background. One of my major triggers is when I don't feel like I'm being heard. I know where this stems from. My parents spent my childhood and much of my adult life refusing to take my feelings seriously. They were completely discounted and minimized. The only feeling I was ever allowed to have was happiness. At one point in my early teen years I was developing physical symptoms as the result of my anxiety. After ruling out a medical cause, my doctor told my dad that I needed therapy and my dad steadfastly refused to get it for me because he doesn't believe in therapy. Needlessly to say that caused me some serious problems.

So now I have major problems when I feel like I'm not being heard. It causes problems in my marriage when I feel like DH does this. When I'm in a rational state, though, I know that he always listens. He is incredibly attentive and never minimizes my feelings. But when I get into that negative emotional state all bets are off.

So last night I dreamed that we had a disagreement because he absolutely refused to listen to me. I did what I normally do and yelled at him and then stormed off. But as I stormed off I felt like I was wading through molasses. I could barely get away. It was maddening. And DH didn't care!

I woke up in a cold sweat.

So that's dream number one. The nightmare I had the night before last was even worse. I dreamed that I had found some gorgeous guy to cheat on my DH with. Now, I have never cheated on anyone and never would do that to any other person. I've been cheated on numerous times and the feeling was horrid. I would never subject anyone to that. So i woke up feeling very guilty.

I know where these feelings stem from. Our sex life is in the toilet. We have sex on average once every other month. I have a strong sex drive and this aspect of my m marriage is maddening. DH constantly psychanalyses me and thinks my need for sex has some roots in my mental illness. Look, I don't care what my sex drive stems from. Once every two months is empirically dysfunctional. And where the fuck do you get off accusing me of having issues with sex when YOU only agree to it so infrequently. Kind of seems like projection, no?

Anyway, those were my nightmares. Sigh.

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