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Hating Myself

Posted by ghostintheshell , 28 July 2013 · 153 views

It's easy to see how much I hate myself considering what I do to myself. And I use punishment because I think I deserve it for what I've done.

Why did I go and mess up a perfectly good thing with a crazy manic episode ? Actually, I've done it so many times its upsetting to even relive then.

I just keep crying at the oddest moments- thinking of all the n...


Fuc*ing Up Big Time

Posted by ghostintheshell , 24 July 2013 · 163 views

Pissed as shit at my self.

This mental shittygoround is wearing me out.

I met my dream man; as in DREAM...and I have a freak episode a week later in which he takes the starring role....and tonight he told me to calm down and that we will '"talk tomorrow".

Fuck me. Fuck my tears. Why do I have to mess shit up so quickly? I hate it.

I wish I could have...



Posted by ghostintheshell , 07 July 2013 · 183 views

Sounds shallow and it most definitely is. Another way to phrase self-grooming.

I have a list (plenty of lists; lists are my friend; cannot survive without lists) for my beautification process for the next six months [which may or may not happen in six months, and which some parts may or may not happen at all!].

In the list I've pretty much detailed how...


I'll Probably Die Alone

Posted by ghostintheshell , 30 June 2013 · 151 views

I'm beginning to understand why I have this premonition that I will die alone.

I cannot keep any relationship - or something just doesn't work for others because I am different. I really come off "off"? Does that make sense? I have this perspective of myself that once I go through the stages of a relationship as I have known them this perspective prevent...


Thrill Seeker

Posted by ghostintheshell , 21 June 2013 · 220 views

Here's how "online dating" has manifested itself for me:

a) first it's online messages to intro yourself, then texting in the phone, then dating

b) all of these give me a huge rise in energy and activity level which leaves me feeling much better throughout my day...

c) this satisfies my internal craving for high energy activities so that I can be more...


Coffee and ADHD

Posted by ghostintheshell , 11 June 2013 · 212 views

People who know me are amazed at my ability to drink 4-5 cups of coffee and still take a nap afterwards.

Until recently they weren't aware that it has a different effect on my body than it does with a normal person.

Caffeine actually makes me drowsy.

The Doc said it was linked to my ADHD which is pretty cool- I don't need coffee I just drink it out of...


Serial Dating; Revenge Date *NC 17*

Posted by ghostintheshell , 10 June 2013 · 298 views

I go out on a lot of dates...it's entertaining and especially for someone like me who thrives on emotional highs like the excitability of a first date it is ideal! One of the most interesting experiences of my life- like a movie but even more interesting as I'm "crazy" and they have no clue.

Well, I went on a revenge date. This one was especially terrib...


Going Out with a Bang *trigger post*

Posted by ghostintheshell , 08 June 2013 · 170 views

Can't tell you how often I think of this; traveling anywhere my mind takes me, eating whatever I want, fucking whoever I want, drinking however much and at any time of the day, pretending to be a dozen different people and meeting new people, camping alone, dancing with strangers, smoking a lot and being high as often as I want, zeroing out everything I o...


Power of MI

Posted by ghostintheshell , 08 June 2013 · 210 views

I told my TDoc that I told the Univ that I was Bipolar so that they would understand why I was doing really well then suddenly dropped off the face of the earth in a matter of a semester for no other obvious reason- Tdoc said I probably shouldn't have told them. I should have said I was ADHD but avoided the Bipolar because the stigma of Bipolar is far wor...


The Night I Got High

Posted by ghostintheshell , 06 June 2013 · 142 views

On June 3, 2013, I had the most fantastic experience in over a decade.  

I have tears in my eyes writing this entry, I had tears in my eyes last night at 2AM standing outside of my beat up old sedan smoking a cigarette just remembering how it felt. How life changing an experience it was, and still is to this morning.  

They say to every cloud there is...

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