i want my mommy

Saying it makes it sound so simple, I'm in the middle of a mixed state.  I imagine that you could go to the bipolar board and read a thread about mixed states on nearly every page.  But this is fucking killing me.  No, I take that back, Its not killing me and that is the sheer misery of it, it won't kill me, it could just go on and on forever.  I don't think that I could handle it.  No that's bullshit, I can take it, but fuck, but it hurts and I am in deep sorrow and missery.  

I'm used to depression, hypomania, mania, psychosis of most all stripes and even complete breaks and combinations and permutation of all, not to mention all of the shit the meds do to me.  I'm almost always at least a little symptomatic to a lesser or larger degree.  I'm used to dealing with these things, they are a constant part of my life.  Sometimes its not so bad and other times its crushing and shuts me down altogether.  

The reason I can deal with most of these things is the combination of experience and the fact that I almost never have symptoms outside of the ones I am quite familiar with.  Good grief, I stand at least a 50-50 chance of being able to carry on a reasonable sounding conversation while having hallucinations.  

But what I'm not use to is mixed states.  I only have them every other year or so and they always sneak up on me.  Its like broken ribs, not much you can do, but when you forget to take tiny breaths or roll over in your sleep, then you get a sharp stab of pain that racks your whole body and your universe is nothing but blinding pain.

Hypomania, delete all the credit card and bank account numbers from the computer.  Put little post it notes on the monitor and in the car telling myself to not make any decisions, and limit my activity so I don't get in trouble.  Also, wear a watch and time how much I work and how long I engage in activities to ensure I don't become obsessed and drive myself into the ground.  And make sure I take the meds at exactly the same time every day, make sure I eat regular meals, Force myself to get regular sleep, even if its from passing out from the meds.  I try to limit my time on the internet.  The important thing is to make sure I don't go into full fledged mania.  Also I try to make sure I only spend a limited time in that state so the rebound depression isn't bad.  

Mania is actually pretty simple, I just shut the show down.  Stay at home, take lots of antipsychotics and benzos and don't do anything.  I really already have procedures in place, I've make decisions beforehand so I don't have to make any during the full fledged confusion.  I've got auto-pay for the bill, so I don't have to worry about keeping up with the bills.  Psychosis is pretty much the same procedure.  

Depression, back off of the antipsychotics, kill the benzos, and increase the mood levelers.  I can't take antidepressants, too risky, they could easily rockett me into mania, just like you can get rebound depression from mania   I make myself take a shower once a day, stay out of the bed, make sure there are no sweat pants in the house to tempt me.  I stay fully dressed all day, including shoes and leave the house to go take a walk, no matter what the pain and how little I want to do it.  Say what you will about depression, at least it's predicable.  Just buckle down and ride it out.  

But mixed state, I only get them ever couple of years or so and there doesn't seem to be any rhyme or reason to them.  They are just confusion full of random pain.  Anything and everything can greatly agitate me to the point of driving me to wanting to yell and scream at people.  But I know that the individual things aren't aren't making me angry, actually, I'm already angry, the seeming irritants are just thing my anger latches onto.  

The guy living below me almost always plays really loud music at all hours.  Mostly I don't even notice it.  My son is a compulsive pacer, my downstairs neighbor doesn't complain about the concussive foot steps and I don't complain about his music.  Go along to get along.  Its not like I have to be at work in the morning and I home school my son, so my schedule is not  an issue.  But last night, I just couldn't take it, it just hurt and was driving me towards the edge.  It wasn't his fault, it was just purely an irrational reaction. There was no point in talking to him about it, he would have been to drunk to reason with.  Knowing he would be drunk  I just couldn't stomach the idea of him passing out with the music still blasting.  So instead of talking him, I simply went outside and threw the master breaker to his apartment, no electricity, no music.  After a couple of hours, I turned it back on so that he could sleep with the heat on.  I was really desperate, I never would have done this, I just felt I had no choice, I just simply couldn't stand the pain.

I think that i'm going to start taking more Seroquel and klonopin and sleep as much as I can and see if I can't drive myself into a straight depression that I can deal with. For me, a mixed state is simply unmanageable and over time, is one of the few things I will go into the hospital for.  

The pain won't kill me and that is the sheer hell of it, it just seems like I can't take the pain, but I can.  It seems like it just can't get any worse, but is does.  I know I'm safe from suicide, because, I wouldn't kill myself, no more than I would kill someone else.  Life is sacred and precious, even my miserable, sorry existence   I won't pretend that I don't have little thoughts momentarily enter my heard sometimes, but I don't want to die, just want the pain to go away and eventually it will.

If this doesn't break soon, I think I'll do something to drive myself into straight depression.

I'm just so fucked up.

I just wish someone would come and make it all better.