Crazyboards: Pesonality Disorders

Making Decisions (or rather, not making them)

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:38:13 +0000

(I'm between pdocs right now. The last one was nice, but I ultimately felt that we were talking on completely different frequencies to the point that I would talk most of the hour and feel like I said nothing and she said nothing, and there wasn't enough structure for me to feel like my therapy sessions were solid points in my life. I'd like to just get it out of the way that I'm going to call someone from my insurance pdoc list tomorrow to schedule an appointment soon.)

Sometimes it makes all the difference when you share your experience and other people say that they have the same thing. This is one of those times, just to get it out and know that I'm not some isolated case somewhere in the heart of Texas.

I find it hard to make decisions where I have to choose between two or more options. It can be something as small as what frozen yogurt to get at the frozen yogurt place or what meal to get at a restaurant I've never been at (once I've made a selection, sometimes it's hard to deviate from that, although I'm getting better on that front). I stood there in front of all the choices, pressured to make a decision. I was probably there for over five minutes, while my family was waiting at the cash register. I finally decided not to decide, and took from six different flavors because I simply could not choose. And that's okay, because taking multiple flavors is within the rules.

The problems come with the big decisions. The one that's kinda paralyzing me right now is what to do with my life. I have several options, none of them good enough for me to immediately go "yes, that's what I want to do" or bad enough for me to immediately go "no way am I doing that." And it isn't as easy for me to move from one to the other if the decision doesn't work out, especially since it'll take me half a year for me to finally deterine "this isn't working out." I've got the choices all lined up. I've weighed the pros and cons. And I just cannot decide, mostly because the cons are enough to give me pause and eclipse the pros in my mind. I know that no one can make the decision for me, but for pete's sake, I can barely make the frozen yogurt decision.

Or what about whether I'm liberal atheist or conservative/fundamentalist Christian. Yes, I'm actually having trouble with figuring out which one I am. And the crux of the matter is, either choice will impact my decisions, my beliefs, my politics, the things I support, the things I say, in a major way. It's a ripple effect. I think I'm an atheist and that the 20-year Christian part of me has just latched onto Depression to make my life miserable. The trouble is, once you get me talking about the root of my issues, I find that the definition between the two parts of me aren't as clear as I'd like. I start talking like a CC, then I correct myself with the LA, then I start mixing the two, and I get confused. I didn't know the line was so blurry until my pdoc started asking questions about my self-hatred.

And part of me is worried that I'll start dissociating identity completely with two distinct personalities rather than one personality who has two lives (or two minds, if you will) if I keep going like this, being whatever my company prefers, and hating myself no matter which one I present. I know which one I think the real me is, but the trouble is that I don't know, and it's an important thing to know about yourself. I was a liberal Christian for about three seconds before the philosophy didn't wash, so that doesn't work. I'm not positive that this is just borderline black-and-white thinking, although that may have a hand in it. I can't go into all the details in one damn post, but suffice it to say that the transition from Christian to atheist has been going on over three years during which I had no life (thus filling it with thinking about where I stand on things ... story of my life).

(Part of the reason I left the last pdoc is because she was billed as a Christian counselor, and I need someone who I feel I'm not going to antagonize at the very least, even if they hide it in the session. It makes me feel bad.)

This is the whole instability of identity part of BPD that makes me more inclined to support a BPD diagnosis as more important to treat than a possible bipolar 2.

And while we're on it, what about mood dysregulation? Is it a permanent fixture in your life? I find that there are periods when I can feel nothing at all. Thoughts go through my head, and I realize that things that would drive me into a deep depression or make me excited don't affect me at all. This is one of those times, when I feel like I'm reciting things that I know I feel, but it's hard to remember that I feel them. Like the trouble making decisions: I still have the trouble, and it bothers me, I guess, but I'm not ... anything about it. I don't feel anything. Then other times, I have these crazy mood swings (that I completely internalize, but they're still there) and can't control how I react to things. And when I'm like that, I can't remember what it's like to feel nothing at all.

Borderline & Comorbid Autoimmune Disorders

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 23:24:03 +0000

After getting sick of being crazy, I finally called my doctor, and she's set me up with appointments with the psychologist and psychiatrist, in a couple weeks from now. I'm quite convinced I'm Borderline, since it describes me to a tee as well as many of my relatives.

I've been to the doctor's a lot over the past year and a half, due to a lot of physical health problems. I've now been diagnosed with both Celiac Sprue and Rheumatoid Arthritis.

There is a little research between the correlation, but I'm not really sure how much has been studied. I've read articles connecting Celiac to ADHD (which I also have), and recently read that "Over half (63%) of patients with rheumatoid arthritis also suffer from psychiatric disorders".

So here's my question: how many more of you with BPD also have autoimmune disorders?

control, lack of it & having it taken away when suffering BPD

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 10:51:13 +0000

Hi

I've just been thinking lately that when things start to get 'out of control' or things are happening in which i have little control I tend to react in a predictable manner I grasp for control, any type of control, quite often I end up grasping on to things I don't like or want, but just simply because I can control them, i also dig up one of my 'old' bad coping mechanism and there you a simple band aid fix... which just like a band aid hurts like hell when it gets ripped off.

Does anyone else do this, and how do you control it? (i'm seeing control a lot in this post)

Here are 2 different major times this year where I have done this... and boy did I regret my impulsive control grabs... so much so my black and white thinking has labelled this year the WORST EVER!!

start of the year I thought my partner of several years was pulling away from me, he was distant, and things seemed 'different'. They weren't really i was sick (in my MI) and i decided to regain control by letting this vulture of a man who i wasn't attracted to physically or emotionally, that was of much lower intellect although to his credit had much more street smarts then me. Its not that I only fell for his lines but I was so desperate for control and i couldn't have it in my r'ship i reached out to this idiot. plus i was acting like a trampy, slut, who thought she knew everything - thanks BP hypomania.
My partner found out, knowing I was ill (totally out of mind) he stayed with me. Bless him for seeing the situation for what it was. And when I told him why i went looking for control and why I felt out of control I was told that he had actually been planning on asking me to marry him and was looking at rings and had just bought one... so yeah things were changing, my desperate attempt to gain control made me lose something that could of been beautiful At least he is still here, many men wouldn't be. Im not engaged, we are working on things, the vulture man is married a month after to some south american chick who paid $20k for the visa... world works in weird ways... So that is major regret after trying to gain control when I felt it slipping away and the negative consequence.

then around middle of the year I was the victim of stalker, who became abusive and eventually made threats against my life and came to 'get me' - many thanks to quick acting police.
this man was not a lover or ex lover. i knew him through my work, as its work related I wont go into much detail but say I was a nurse and I cared for babies and this man was the father of a baby I had cared for in the past.
I did nothing 'wrong' in this situation, i was professional, but he has a long criminal history, has a very low IQ etc etc he was obsessive at first then became possessive.
I had to take a significant amount of time off my work to recover and while police and justice system dealt with the man. I'm still not back & am facing the harsh reality my work will never be the same.
My work was my stability, it was my structured, it gave me a value and a sense of 'normal'
I felt scared, violated, abused, rejected (weird one but by all the ppl i felt should of been there to support me and weren't) I was a victim, trying to be strong as my security blanket got ripped out from under me.
In my mind he had 'stolen' my freedom thats how I felt... he had stolen my life, my life as I knew it.
So to gain some control I started thinking... "you can't hurt me, there is nothing you can do to me mister that i cant or haven't already done to myself."
I started cutting, binge eating, and some other things I do that I know hurt me which I don't care to admit in public. My mind kept thinking 'you want to hurt me, you want to kill me, i did nothing to you, i know im awful and bad and i can hurt myself, i can take my own life if i want... just leave me alone!'
He took my control and in trying to regain it Im doin it the wrong way :'(
I constantly have nightmares about him & If i go out my fear of abandonment is so bad i start seeing images of my dog (who i love) being hurt and stress and worry and want to get home to her... even though she is always home asleep in her little bed... its irrational but where i am at.
im still recovering from this all is still raw...

i want control, i want control of my illness (bipolar / bpd) i want control of my reactions, my emotions... i don't want to hurt myself and the ones I love when the world will hurt us anyway...
I want to be strong and to change and I feel it is so close, i know what to do but i cant action it.
This year has been rough, really rough... I have a great family, a wonderful partner and my doctor and therapist.
but im struggling and needed someone who can kinda get this, and how to deal with trauma when your BPD, a BPD who sees 98% of the time only blk & white, has very bad fear of abandonment, poor self image and the all the other indicators.

thanks for reading this... yes i am in therapy, on meds getting help etc... i just needed to get this out I've held it on so long, i have tried to post then erased it some many times out of fear... now i feel brave enough to share my hurt in the hope that only someone out their can understand or help or just say it can be ok... I know BTW to call my doctor if it gets bad, to take my meds and therapy im just looking for someone to connect with on the peer support kinda level , thx

i want so much more then this in my life ;'(

IonaViona

Off to better lands!

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 20:33:02 +0000

Hi and bye,

For my sake and from the recommendation of my therapist, I am leaving this board. If something doesn't help or work for you, then you don't need it. Like ex-husbands, at first they may be great, but then they can turn ugly and hurt. That has been my experience on here. I could vent about certain posters, but I am not going to stoop to your level. As I have said before, I would never for any reason try to make someone that is in a crisis feel worse by ragging on them. Even if I don't agree with the level of success they have had over years to recover from a mental illness.

I don't think psychiatry has put a number on how many months or years it "should" take anyone to recover. As in physical illnesses, everyone recovers on a different time line.

I need to get help from professionals, not from people that are as sick or sicker than I am.

Sorry to leave the friends I have made on here, but I just need to remove any possible source of unnecessary stress in my life. I will miss you.

If a friend wants my contact info, just PM me.

One thing I will say is that if you attack others on this board, remember it could come back to haunt you. You never know what can happen when you treat people badly, even from behind your keyboard. Especially if you are a person in authority that people might look up to for help, treat people as you would like to be treated and be professional. Would a professional person ignore you if you didn't agree with them? Or give you a warning for something you said they did not like?

This board needs people less caught up in their own emotions being moderators and giving out advice. There are other boards out there, where the moderators are much more professional and encouraging. That is the way it should be.

Good bye and good luck!

Support and Recovery Time

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 22:48:39 +0000

karuna, on 31 October 2009 - 12:52 PM, said:

It's never a happy moment being diagnosed, but I hope this is the start of recovery for you. Feel free to ask about any BPD issues you might have here.

As long as you don't ask too many times about the same problem...feel free! If you don't recover as quickly as some think you should, be careful about posting it again. If you are really in a crisis, don't come here! Word to the wise...

You can approach me freely, just be careful what you post on the open board. I speak from experience.

I have been in recovery 4 years, but not quite there yet. Best of luck to you! Feel free to PM me. I have had lots of experiences.

Your friend,

Karen