Duck and Cover, Again and Again http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:51:05 +0000 60 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33940-ptsd-episode/ Fri, 20 Nov 2009 05:51:05 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33940-ptsd-episode/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33773-is-it-common-to-dissociate/ Sun, 15 Nov 2009 18:36:35 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33773-is-it-common-to-dissociate/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33755-wth-is-happening-to-me/
I really need input on this. If it's possible to go cashew, or almond, instead of just nuts, that's where i'm at right now.

Okay. A few months ago, I was sexually assaulted by someone I knew and loved, and several of his friends.... But I completely blocked it out. If it weren't for physical evidence, and a phone call from him, I would not have known. Recently (Oct 18th), I started remembering little bits and pieces if it. His birthday was Oct 21st, and he was coming down from college, to celebrate. He facebook messaged me the 18th (stupid me for reading it), and in the message, were lyrics to the song Birthday Sex - by Jerimiah. Which scared the shit out of me. and I guess triggered memories of the first time.

I made plans to not be by myself at home all of Wednesday, but they fell through. Was payed an unfortunate visit, and I remember a lot of it....

My problem is, I'm already a little kooky (see signature), and was taken off all meds about a month ago, because my kidney's stopped working due to juvenile rheumatoid arthritis meds. I had "regular"(idk) flashbacks before. Hearing and seeing stuff as well -psychotic depression. But it's like i'm having 2 kinds of flashbacks now.

The "regular" ones that I get and react to. More like, waves and waves and waves of feelings. But then these really creepy ones, that it seems completely consume me. In these, I'll hear myself screaming and pleading and crying. And I'll hear his voice... He carved 'filth' into my thigh, and i'll see it clear as day a-top my jeans or whatever I'm wearing.

I don't understand why these new things are happening and I so badly want, no... NEED them to stop. Everyone I've talked to that has had PTSD, in my town atleast, don't have flashbacks like that. So what are they? And how the hell do I get them to stop? I'm getting really desperate. Thanks for listening. Any feedback asap would be great...]]> Sun, 15 Nov 2009 04:13:01 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33755-wth-is-happening-to-me/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33643-cant-think-of-a-title/
My father abused us - according to my mother at least, I don't remember much about when my dad was around - they divorced when we were 10.
My stepfather abused us more violently than my father did - he was so bad that I cut myself and my sister tried to blind herself (I forget what she used, it didn't work). I'm sure he was the leading cause of my migraines as a child/teenager.
My mother was apathetic towards us and flat out told us that if it came to a choice between her children and her husband, she would chose her husband.
My siblings and I fought - physically - for most of my childhood, into my teenage years. My brother watched and gloated when I was molested (twice) by strangers.

Between the ages of 10 and 17 I was molested by people I knew - usually neighborhood boys or husbands of women I babysat for. I must have had "victim" stamped on my forehead.
During this time, I was also molested by strangers (three times).

Between husbands (what I call my "manic" years though I rapid-cycled like mad) I got drunk a lot and ended up in some sticky situations that ended in what "they" call date rape. I call it being stupid and count myself lucky to be alive and disease free. I ended up in these situations even when I wasn't drunk - but was manic and not thinking clearly. It was just easier to let the man have his way and get out injury free rather than fight. I guess if I count up the times, I'd say this happened about 5 times over the last 15 years - four of them were within the five year period between husbands.

I have all of my various physical ailments which I've described before.

I had that problem with my crazy ex...

Okay, to the issue. One would think that I'd be a walking mess- so I've been told -but I'm not. I'm pretty okay. I don't walk around jumping at every shadow, nor do I think that every man who approaches me is a potential rapist. I just digest the bad along with the good and move on. Sure, the bad takes longer to go through my system, but so what? Once I'm over it, I'm over it. My therapist seems to think that I have PTSD, but I dunno. I have some of the symptoms, but they're not that pronounced. Sure, I don't like sleeping alone in a house, but I know a lot of women who don't like sleeping alone in a house. And yeah, I have a few hang-ups like I don't like walking in front of windows at night.

The thing is, I may not *like* doing some things, but it doesn't stop me from doing them. I read once, a long time ago... If you live like a victim, then you will always be a victim. So I don't live like a victim.

Am I repressing things? I don't think so. But I put it to y'all. My therapist thinks that my attitude is unhealthy, but I'd rather just live with today's issues than deal with yesterday's. Does that make sense? Am I a ticking time bomb? I'd like to think not, but I'll listen to opinions.]]> Tue, 10 Nov 2009 01:06:53 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33643-cant-think-of-a-title/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33587-anyone-have-experience-with-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/ I've finally found a therapist who understands ptsd and he is awesome. He is the first of many therapists and psychiatrists I've seen to actually explain ptsd to me, and that *it's not my fault* that I'm having trouble dealing with my experience. Last session he introduced Cognitive behavioral Therapy to me - described what it is, how it works... and that, basically, I have a long, hard road ahead of me.
Part of me is super excited that I'm finally getting the help I need. The rest of me - most of me - is scared to death about what it entails. When he was explaining to me about 're-thinking' my memories... my stomach was in knots. I avoid thinking about it when I can - but as he explained, and I realised, I only avoid it in the moment - it comes at me when it wants.
SO -
anyone have anything to share in this type of experience? I see my therapist again on the 16th and while I have some idea what to expect, I'd like others' input to help me out some, if at all.

Thanks!]]> Sun, 08 Nov 2009 00:08:50 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/33587-anyone-have-experience-with-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/