Duck and Cover, Again and Again http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php Fri, 30 Jul 2010 01:28:25 +0000 60 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39728-having-to-tel-a-stranger-that-you-have-cptsd/ Fri, 30 Jul 2010 01:28:25 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39728-having-to-tel-a-stranger-that-you-have-cptsd/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39656-is-it-ptsd/

anyways this is what I experience:

depression
no mania
no happiness
little interest in sex or capability
i JUMP at any unexpected shocks and even expected ones.
i die every inside every day recently
i see "her" all the time and/or think about it always even dream about her
we broke up a while ago. i assume she hates me
i hate me
sometimes i "zone out"
numb and thats how i thrive and get by
if i go off or miss a few doses of meds its hell
i cry, scream, become evil without it
i still think about suicide prolly always will
maybe its better.
hear/see things that are "odd" and not always real. like my mom's diabetes sugar was 34,000 (not possible)
i cant stop thinking never can and nights like this i dont sleep
i dont sleep
i think about the same crap again and again
supposedly borderline too.
the lamictal doesnt help
realllllly angry without meds
like shaking mad
litterally walk thru a doors once (busted it apart) i was so angry.
only the dulcolax seems to work
i eat ALOT like 5 hot dogs on 5 buns two pan cakes, etc then eat normally for a while
sometimes i black out
but only when i dont eat at all for like a long time
Always relive the past, again and again in memories and sleep and thru the waking part of me

somebody hurt me so i dont have to feel what i do feel.

sorry if this is in the wrong place/forum, also that this is a mess grammatically.


P.S. is there a "f**ked up" diagnosis?
i sometimes cant control myself like my emotions
sometimes i do things the real me never would
like i need help and cry out for it but even my LCSW (counselor)/pdoc says the area i live in (country/rural) is not a big enough area to support the facilities i need.]]> Mon, 26 Jul 2010 08:37:28 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39656-is-it-ptsd/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39596-does-this-sound-like-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/


whenever i think about my psychotic episode and suicide attempt i get anxious and worry i'm going to become psychotic again sometimes. i sometimes get anxious whenever my thoughts line up with outside events or when i witness coincidences. my psychologist has noted that iv expressed anger towards him numerous times (i recently called him just to shout at him because i thought i was becoming psychotic.) when i think about how people handled my psychosis during that time i worry that they never cared about me at all. i have intrusive thoughts.

but on the other hand i strangely have no problem walking by the lake where i attempted to kill myself. its mostly the recollections that bother me. is this minor and insignificant?]]> Fri, 23 Jul 2010 19:40:02 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39596-does-this-sound-like-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39341-lost/
I don't really know why I'm doing this. Maybe I hope that seeing things printed out on a screen instead of in the inner bastion of my head where my thoughts normally reside will do something. To reach out to people that are stuck in a similar mire. Just to not feel so goddamned...alone.

I scheduled my first appointment with a new t-doc finally. It's been a while since I've seen anyone (other than the prescribing p-doc). And I'm making myself go. I'm making myself go because I've been blindsided and everything in my life is falling by the wayside. Or at least trying to. Things could be worse.

Triggeriness ahead

:Trigger:





.....


A few months ago, I was at work, and almost out of nowhere, I was drowned in a deluge of strong emotion. I have memories, and I've had them since horrible things happened to me. And I remembered them. And I was angry. But this time...it wasn't a memory. There were no pictures in my head or anything. It was just emotion. Like I was right there, trapped in that situation again. Totally helpless and alone. Trapped. I completely lost my mind and had to leave work. I never experienced anything like that before. I wrote my mother a long e-mail full of expletives (I NEVER swear around her) asking her why she never protected me. I don't know why. I was so angry. So violent. I couldnt breathe. And things had been going so well. I was okay. I was succeeding at work, with my boyfriend, with many things. And out of nowhere I was blindsided. Tortured again through no fault of my own. I don't live there anymore, and he shouldn't be able to hurt me. But there I was. Just like I was back there. Back in the relentless agony.

And ever since, things haven't been the same. I don't know what caused it. I don't know if anything *caused* it really. But here I am. Plus, determined to stop taking so many goddamned drugs, and finding that I really probably should be back on Lamictal. I don't want to be a guinea pig. I don't want to be a pillhead. I don't even know what's me and what's a side effect of the meds anymore. I want to be a human. But after a dosage increase made me in a constant state of panic, and we lowered the dose and the panic subsided, I'm haunted by memories. I just stare off into space and disappear from the world. I'm in my head so far. I'm distracted. I don't know what. I don't even know that I'm doing it. I can't pay attention to anything no matter how hard I try, because before I know it, I'm stuck back in my head again.

But nobody would know it by looking at me. I pride myself on my exterior.

I want it to go away. I just want it to go away.

But I am seeing a new therapist. And I'm afraid that talking about it to her is only going to make these things worse. Many times in the past, I've left a session with whatever the doc of the moment was just angry. So angry. And I want to hurt myself.

There's a deep, deep chasm between my rational mind, and the rest of me. And I see myself as two people. Both people are me, but they're not the same person.

Is it possible to become whole? To become one person? To recognize the face you see in the mirror as being one with yourself? Is there hope? I don't want to live like this. And I don't want to die like this. I want it to stop hurting. I want it to go away. And I want him to be locked away forever so he can never ruin anyone else again. And my little brother and sister still live there. And I can't do anything about it. I barely even know them. I don't go to their house because HE is there. And he is the worst thing in the world. Sometimes I really wish I would have killed him when I had the chance.

I just want my life back. Well, not really back. I never had one to begin with. I want to be a person. I want to be part of the world. And it's terrifying. I want to be whole, but I don't want to lose myself. I kind of have a self.

I'm afraid to be whole. Sometimes I think I'm much better off in my misery. Because it's like a blanket. Sure, the blanket's sopping wet and infested with fleas, but at least I'm not naked for all the world to see.

I just want to shut off my head.

I thought I was doing so much better. But now I realize that I'm so much more sick than I ever thought I was.



I don't know what I'm looking for. I just had to have contact with some person. Somewhere. That feels like I do. Just something. No one in my family realizes how gruesome my existence has been. How horribly I was treated. How much of a sick fucking monster he is. Or should I just go and tell them that he's the kind of person that would threaten to beat a preschooler with a stick until their skin cracked and they bled if they ever told their mother he was mean to them. No one deserves to know me that well. Not even my family. They can't understand. They can't understand that living every second of your life for 20 years afraid that at any point you would do something that would set him off. And because it was a hell of a lot more psychological abuse than physical, and people think you should just suck it up. They don't understand the depth of the terror. I don't want them to understand. Because if they did, they'd be broken too.

I just want to be a person.

And I've had dreams. Disturbing dreams. Where all the colors are wrong, and the people are wrong, but you know who the people are, even though they look completely different than who you know they are. And bad perverse things happen. And I don't know if they're just weird dreams, or if I was hurt in ways even worse than what I can recall. I don't want to deal with it. Thinking about it makes me want to puke. There's no way any sort of real vocalization would be possible anyway. I don't know that I could even draw. I don't want to address it because it's probably nothing to worry about and they're just a very small handful of weird sporadic dreams. Because they probably are. But what if they're not? And how would I ever know the difference? I need to know somehow and it's just not possible. I need to know. Because there's children still at risk as I type this.

Why do I even have to deal with this? I was such a kind, well-behaved kid. I don't know why anyone would want to destroy that. I want a second chance at childhood. I'm a grown-ass adult, and all I want to be is a little kid again. And have my mom hug me when I begged for her attention. To be allowed to develop likes and dislikes. To explore the world around me. To have friends. To strive toward goals without having them cut down before I even really had a chance to really try. To be acknowledged as an actual human being that is capable of independent thought. To have a single goddamned dream recognized. To make mistakes. To live. Just to LIVE.

What a burden to carry.]]> Wed, 14 Jul 2010 04:01:43 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39341-lost/ http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39277-returning-to-the-scene-of-the-trauma/ The pros are that I've come a long way and if I'm ready it might be healing. I'd like my Mum to see her friends but she won't go unless I do. I'm on holidays and bored crazy and I could catch up with some friends.

I'm still afraid of being there. I'm afraid of the fear. I'm scared something catastrophic like a car crash will happen and I'll have to go to the hospital. I'm afraid the flashbacks will come and I'm 5 hours away from home. I'd have to miss a tdoc appointment to go and she's away for the next two weeks so I wont have her support.

What should I do? Has anybody done it? what was it like?]]> Mon, 12 Jul 2010 02:53:07 +0000 http://www.crazyboards.org/forums/index.php/topic/39277-returning-to-the-scene-of-the-trauma/