[crazynotstupid]

OK, I've brought it up a couple times--the 12 steps for SI!  Not that I could imagine really adapting them, I wouldn't really want to myself (I don't really like them, personally), but I've toyed with the thought.

There's this thing we do in my rehab group--every time someone new joins in, we introduce ourselves, and why we're there.  It's...hard, but therapeutic.  Well, hard for me, because I did a bad thing.  A sad thing.  It hurts to tell.

Ditto for being here.  But, then, I kinda want to tell why I'm here.  So...
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Hi.  My name is CNS.  I self-injure.  It started with punching things till my knuckles bled.  This lasted for many years.  It moved on to kicking things till my toes/feet nearly broke.  And then my shins.  And my elbows.  Thank you, karate.  I moved on to slamming my head into things till near-unconsciousness.  Then, punching myself in the face till same.  Then, the cutting.  My preferred tool is broken glass; thick-ish window glass is favorite, however, broken lightbulbs will do fine.  Razors will do in a pinch.

For me, it's about the blood, about the pain.  Because I want it OUT.

I'm glad to be here in a supportive environment where I can speak to others who understand and do not judge.

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Kinda like that.


Whoops, I forgot to add some stuff earlier.  Sleep deprivation will do that to ya.  (And I have now gone 30+ hours with no sleep, but what the hey, second wind, right?)

I'm currently abstaining, though right now it's...difficult, due to deep depression,  That and the manias are when I want to cut most.

My fiancee is my rock.  She keeps the blade out of my hands.  Well...except for one little slip.

Stigma-smashing 29 year old male.

This post has been edited by crazynotstupid: 28 May 2005 - 03:27 AM

[peeej]

hi my name is presentjoy (kk) and i self-injure.

i did it first time when i was 14 or 15, as my mom was raging downstairs about how we never picked up or cleaned or did anything. but that's not really why i did it, just that it was the final straw. i was abused. i wasn't telling anyone, i couldn't, but i couldn't keep it in.. and the blood and the scabs and the scars were an outside symbol of my pain. i used a compass the first time. i tried fashioning funny little cuffs for my wrists to hide it, but i suck at sewing. mind you, i used an old flannel sheet and some embroidery floss, so maybe it was a case of the wrong tools.

i did it for a while, my parents found out, and i still did it, then i got suicidal and mom took me to the doctor and showed me. at sick kids i didn't have the tools to do the cutting, so i just used my fingernails. then once i got out of the hosp. i didn't cut anymore, until i was about 25 or so.. the depression got so bad, and home life got so bad (due in no small part to my batshit episode of cheating sexually on my gf).. and it again got too much to handle and i started again. last time was last year, again just before i went into the hospital. this time the pdoc there had me sign a contract, that had 5 or more steps i should take before resorting to si... and so far it's worked.

one of those tactics is to get online, in chat, or write, talk to someone, etc. etc..
last time i got an urge i came here to CM. yay.

I still deal with it every day lately, since i went off my meds. the more i feel unheard and trapped and rageycagey, the more i want to si.

anyway, that's me. thanks cns for the space.

pj
(then there's the other stuff, like bad bad habits that wreck me, i wonder if some of this is si too.. like my wife sometimes says.. her smoking cigarettes constitutes a subconsious desire to commit suicide slowly)

[energ]

Hi,
Im energ.Last time I posted here I had a bad experience where no one acknowledged me so I never came back.

Im here again as Im depressed and want to cut sooo bad but the thought of my 3 yr old daughter seeing the cut keeps me from doing it. I worry that one day that will not be enough.
I used to cut as a teen from age 15-17. I am now 32 and have only recently (a month ago?) wanted to start cutting again.
I picked up smoking to try to avert it and that's not working.
I am starting to think it's the meds as my risperdal is also making me lactate a bit.
I know I should page my doc, but feel guilty to do it on a holiday. Knowing full well he may actually be at his office.
I also wish chat was up as I could use some folks to talk me down.

Thanks for listening and wish me luck.

energ

[peeej]

energ, on May 30 2005, 05:20 PM, said:

I also wish chat was up as I could use some folks to talk me down.

Thanks for listening and wish me luck.

energ

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

well i don't want ya to go unacknowledged.. welcome energ, thank you for sharing.
there is always pm, which yea, i know isn't like the immediacy of chat, but you're always welcome to drop a line. also the ideas about alternatives are good to read, which i've done a bit of, though in throes of deep depression and really feelin the urge, the brain can find all kinds of dismissive things to bark at that thread..

anyway, welcome and i hope none of us here get ignored. especially here..

pj

[energ]

Thanks PJ, for responding as well as directing me to the thread about not cutting.
I got over the first hump by taking my daughter to a freinds to swim. Hopefully the next hump will be after my husband comes home from work. If he works late, I dont know what I'll do.
I want to just scratch myself so it looks like a cat scratch. But then, that'll make me a liar.
I have to stop takinng risperdal, now- but hopefully- these feelings will go away with it. I dont remember if they started at teh same time...For some reason I think they did.
So- here's to a light at the end of the tunnel. I will make myself a drink (or 2) tonight instead of fantasizing about a blade.
Is that an ok alternative? Probly not.
Oh well...

Thanks!

[crazynotstupid]

Quote

I will make myself a drink (or 2) tonight instead of fantasizing about a blade.  Is that an ok alternative? Probly not.

Maybe if they're really *good* drinks?  (says the alcoholic...)

Hell, if ya don't get blind stinkin' drunk, I day go fer it...a little buzz beats a sharp blade any day, in MY book.

[energ]

HI,
Thanks you guys.
I am doing soooooooo much better today.
Now, If I can just get my rapid cycling under control things would be dandy...

[Baka^Ni]

energ, on May 31 2005, 02:16 AM, said:

I will make myself a drink (or 2) tonight instead of fantasizing about a blade.
Is that an ok alternative? Probly not.
Oh well...

Thanks!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I find that if a drink would stop the cutting then the price is worth paying. However if you do find yourself off in the deep end of alcohol induced depression, cigarettes have a slight claming effect which helps to counter the alcohol induced ragey angery thingie.

[angry_girl]

Thanks to CNS for continuing this thread over to the new forum....

My name is Sandy and I SI.  I have been doing this since I started with burning myself with a curling iron at the age of 14.  It has been a mix of burning, picking, cutting (mostly cutting) and chemical burning (who knew lye drain cleaner would come in so handy).  Most often I see my cutting as a kind of "bloodletting", like in the old days.  When the blood flows out, so do the bad feelings, whether those feelings are extreme sadness or white hot rage.  I've been SI free for 3 weeks and counting.

*Sandy*

[energ]

HI, Sandy.
Lye is dangerous stuff. Not that any SI isnt...I never woulda thought of that. I make soap with it!
Anway- welcome.
I've been SI free for 15 years- well, except for the pin incident, but that doesnt count so, hang in there.
Weekends are really bad for me for some reason. DOes anyone else work full time then have terrible wekeends where they want to scar themselves up?

[angry_girl]

energ, on Jun 3 2005, 11:35 AM, said:

HI, Sandy.
Lye is dangerous stuff. Not that any SI isnt...I never woulda thought of that. I make soap with it!

Yeah, tell me about it.  Although, it really was a disappointment,  the pain of the lye itself was only hot, not painful.  It didn't get painful for me until I rinsed it with peroxide, then I got the results I was after at the time.  The scars that are forming are pretty ugly but I'd never take them away, they will always remind me of a really bad time that I made it thru.

*Sandy*

This post has been edited by angry_girl: 05 June 2005 - 10:58 PM

[WaSte]

My name is WaSte, and I self injure.

My first episode was in elementary school, when I smashed my fist into a rock and broken glass. The school nurse had to wrap my hand in gauze. I liked how it felt. It felt so good, that it made me feel good, too.

I loved glass. When sharp objects were taken from me, I began breaking plates, cups, picture frames, lightblubs, and windows to get at the shards of glass I wanted. I would sharpen them using the cement floor of my room and a wetstone I had hidden under my bed.

When those around me noticed the cuts on my arms, I started doing it to the backs of my legs. When they noticed that, I tried other ways of doing it. I tried punching the walls in the hopes of finding a stud board to break my fist on. I tried burning myself on the propane heater in my room. I tried tying a rope around the base of my bunk bed and then around my neck. I'd lean back, and let it choke me. Right before I began to feel myself lose consiousness, I'd fall forward and release the tension.

I have been very good. My last serious self injury was when I was 19 years old, and I am now 24. But I have been very depressed lately. I have not been able to find relief, and when I was accused, incorrectly, of possibly self injuring recently, I honestly started thinking very hard about doing it again. I thought maybe it would provide some relief, and I could make myself better.

I tried to make a slice across my arm with my pocket knife, but I stopped myself. I was at work, in the bathrooms, and I knew someone would ask. I was not prepared to answer that. I knew I would fall down in tears and then everyone here would know I was not strong and I could not contain myself any longer. So I stopped. It was good that I stopped, but it was also bad - I'm still depressed, and I think an injury would help.

I broke some windows on my house the other day. That seemed to help a little, but it could become an expensive habit.

So I have come here to learn, and attempt to find alternatives to beginning my behavior again.

[energ]

HI, waste.
So far, the only thing that has worked for me is smoking.
See, Now that Im on meds I want to cut. Cuz the meds keep me from dissociating.
so.... instead of doing what my mind wants to do when I feel depressed, I smoke instead.
Not recommended

Breaking windows would definitely be an expensive thing.

I am a terrible help, arent it?

[87_advil]

I’m Advil, and I self-injure.  I posted on the old board, but I figured I’d chime in here too.  I don’t even know how old I was when I started.  Early high school comes to mind, but I also remember being fairly young and kicking a door with the intent of breaking my foot/toes.

Typically my method is bruising (a.k.a. beating the shit out of myself)… hitting until massive purple welts form.  Usually this results in huge black and blue marks, and sometimes a limping stride for days (as my legs usually take most of the abuse).

Though bruising is what I usually do, I have also broken bones, etc. in the past.  I had a biting episode once.  I also decided to carve my arm a few months ago – not too deep.  Just enough to sting.  I actually did it with a pushpin.  I also pick at wounds until they're practically infected.  Gross, I know.

I think SI is an addiction.  I truly do.  Sometimes when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, I look at the marks and *want* more.  Does anyone else do that? 

For me, it's usually about releasing anger and punishing myself… for not being good enough, for being so messed up, etc. 

I went almost 3 years without SI-ing.  My depression had faded a bit, and I didn’t feel the need to do it. When the depression hit hard earlier this year, I started again.  It’s been a few months since I last injured.  March, I think. 

I found an alternative that works fairly well for me.  I guess since I’m more of a hitter/puncher/bruiser, I went out and bought some boxing gear – a heavy bag and bag gloves.  For awhile, when I felt the need to SI, I’d go out to the garage and hit… of course, I wouldn’t wear the gloves and I’d hit until my knuckles were bruised and bloodied… maybe it’s just a slightly ‘more acceptable’ form of SI. I dunno.  I still felt slightly better about it.

I’m great when I’m on meds.  Sometimes the depression fades enough that I can go off of them…(3 years last time!)  but when it comes back, I need help.  My meds are working great right now, and I hope they continue.  I don’t wanna live like this forever.

By the way - I think everyone here is brave as hell for coming out and talking about this.

[crazynotstupid]

Quote

I think SI is an addiction. I truly do. Sometimes when I’m in the midst of a depressive episode, I look at the marks and *want* more. Does anyone else do that?

Yeh.  Sometimes, I want to have...more reminders of all the pain I've felt.

Funny thing is, for all the slashing I've done, most of it healed uo real good, and quick.  Hell, some of them I rubbed coal dust in so they'd scar up good--but they DIDN'T!  Dammit...

At any rate, it's like I want the litany of pain my life has been spelled out across my chest, for others to see and turn away in horror.

But dammit, it seems I have a resistance to scarring and of course I'm not cutting now, which is a *good* thing...

[Paper Flames]

Wow, angry girl, I've never met anyone else who did chemical burns.

My name is Paper Flames and I SI.  I started when I was 9.  I used to prefer cutting but after so many years of doing that my arms and legs looked horrible.  People treated me awful in public, they were even afraid of me - treated me like I was contagious or something.  CNS, it's not great when people turn away from you in horror every day of your life and hide there kids behind them as if you were going to attack them.

Then I started burning myself.  I'd go through an entire pack of cigarettes just lighting them and putting them out.  Now I just burn myself with oven cleaner.  I have skin grafts that cover over 20% of my body (not including the large rectangles over my thighs that were used as skin donor sites). 

I've been in so many hospitals because of the SI.  Nothing works as a distraction when I get it in my head that I'm going to burn (I don't cut anymore), even when I know it's going to lead to another round of surguries at the Burn Center.

There are several "up-sides" to this method of SI for me.
1) The pain is intense
2) The pain of the surgeries is worse
3) The pain of the aftercare starts off intense and dwindles to "manageable" after a few months but remains constant for about six months.
4) Occupational/Physical Therapy is painful - that goes on for months.
Basically, it's what a I call "A Big Bang for your Buck."  By doing it this way I can go for long periods of time without wanting to SI.  It's that constant "wanting" that can incapacitate me.  Also, I don't have to be ashamed of my scars anymore and wear long sleeves so I don't offend anyone with my mere presence.

But there's an even bigger "donw-side."  I don't want to live like this.

This post has been edited by Paper Flames: 20 June 2005 - 02:08 PM

[energ]

Hey, Paperflames.
Welcome.
Your story really impacted me. I dont have much to say.
but thanks for sharing.

[telescopium]

My name is telescopium and I SI.  I started when I was about 12.  I did picking...  or what ever before that though.  First time I cut, I did so bad and landed in the hosp.  Then I learned to hide it.  Now I just don't care.  Over 18, so mom just dont care anymore... 

My favorite is blades.  I  will use other stuff as needed though.  Glass, broked stuff, even a stick if in a pinch.  I hit, burn, punch, but mostly cut. 

I like how it feels.  I like how it looks.  I take pictures, because sometimes I just look at the pics and feel a bit better. 

I didn't cut for a while.  then started again.  then stopped for a bit.  Started again.  Stopped really caring what people think.  About 2 weeks ago, I had about 300 cuts on my arms and thighs.  Hurt to move, but a lovely pattern...  It was mostly cat scratches tho...  nothing needed stitching. 

I hope someday to be able to stop.  But for now, it is mine...  It makes me cope and feel ok for the moment.  And at least I don't have to hide anymore.  I just stopped caring.  Thats one good thing I guess.... 

[Roosle]

Interesting idea CNS.

Hi, my name is Roosle and I self-injure.  I started cutting recently (just a couple of months ago) while in a psychiatric clinic where I was being held to "protect myself from myself".  Guess I showed them eh?  The nurses never did figure out where I hid the blades (chewing gum stuck to the underside of the desk drawer in my room).

I've gone one full week as of today without cutting, but last weeks episode has my arms still looking like they went through the meat grinder.

So, what are the steps towards stopping this crappy habit?

[pressmama]

Hi, my name is pressmama and I self-injure.  I have since I was 15 years old.  I cut mainly with razor blades.  I began doing it after I became sexually active becuase I couldn't control my feelings about some sexual abuse earlier in my life.  Self-injury helped me feel more in control.  I feel brave enough to discuss this here because I finally have a therapist I have been able to admit this to.  But I am still not ready to stop.  Maybe someday....but it just seems too overwhelming to give up this coping mechanism when I'm not stable yet.

ETA: The other reason I SI is OCD.  I want to cut to "get the bad thoughts out of my head."  It is easier for me to resist this urge UNLESS I'm manic.  Much more likely to cut manic than any other time.

This post has been edited by pressmama: 02 October 2005 - 02:41 AM