[Paper Flames]

Roosle, you had a good question, "...what are the stepts toward stopping this crappy habit?"  Wish I knew!  For so long I was never ready to stop.  The negative results of my SI never outweighed my desire.  I know it has something to do with filling yourself up with something other than negative feelings (you know, the ones you have to bleed out of you).  But HOW you do that, I'm not really sure; I've managed to do a little of it in therapy though.

[trg247]

My name is trg247 and I self harm.

I have been doing it since I was fourteen with a piece of glass I found but switched to razors. I am very streaky I will do it for a week then not do it again for a couple of months. This last episode I have no idea what triggered it. I still use razors but I prefer exacto knifes.

The reason why I do it is my head is constantly spinning with a rollercoaster of emotions but if I cut my world slows down. I tend to SI late at night for it calms me down and then I am able to sleep.

thanks for reading
trg247

[neonbabe]

Hi, i'm neonbabe and use SI as a release mechanism. I usually cut (using blades) my arms/legs. Sometimes I hit my hands repeatedly until they swell up so big I just can't hit them any more. I was abused by a boyfriend when I was 14 and bottled it up for years. I started getting periods of depression that were bad enough to warrant medication and these started getting more and more frequent and severe. I have tried to commit suicide at least 5 times now (usually o/doses) and have been in mental health units 6 times over the past 3 years. I still reailly struggle with cutting and my shrink would rather I do that than attempt suicide again. I really want to stop but am too scared I won't be able to and don't know how to anyway. I cut to get the release from blood and by taking care of the physical wounds it's almost like taking care of the emotional wounds behind it all.

[knucklehead]

hi,

i'm the newbie to all of this forum stuff. i've been cutting since i was 9 yrs old. i always do it just to feel me - sometimes that doesn't work and the cuts and scars go deeper and deeper. my p-doc thinks it has to do with my ocd, but whatever... i just do it because i don't have another escape for all my bottled up emotions and feelings for everything and everyone around me.

knucklehead.


edit: btw ------- i'm 21 now.

This post has been edited by knucklehead: 20 November 2006 - 04:38 PM

[birdgirl]

Hi, I'm birdgirl and I self harm.

I started when I was fourteen or fifteen, I'm eighteen now. I've had depression on and off since I was thirteen, and one day when I was really upset I scratched my arms with my keys and it made me feel better. I managed to stop for two and a half years, but I started again in August. It's the worst I've ever been, I have so many huge scars on my arms. I think I should have really had stitches on them but I've been to A&E before and I didn't like the way the staff treated me there. I also have a cut on my chest and a cut on my tummy, it looks a bit like a smiley face! Slightly macabre, but oh well...I even cut my face once.

I started a college course in September, but I got too ill and I had to drop out. I was doing a really energetic drama course, and it was still really warm, so I had this dilemma about whether to cover up my arms and be all sweaty or whether just to wear short sleeves. I chose the latter option, but I think it really freaked my classmates out and I was told I wasn't allowed to attend college unless I covered my arms. I'm hoping that if I manage to stop cutting before next September and it's just old scars there I'll be able to wear short sleeves. It's such a pain covering up all the time!

When I cut it calms me, but I hardly ever feel any pain. It's wierd. I want to get tattoos to cover up the scars, but I have to stop cutting there for two years before I can get them done. So far, three weeks!

Thanks to everyone else for sharing your stories, sometimes I feel so isolated as a self harmer. Not that that's all I define myself as!

[JBInsanity]

Hi, I'm JBInsanity and I self injury.

I started when I was ten with safety pins when I was depressed. This lasted until I was thirteen when I switched to cutting. During school I would take pop can tabs to cut my arm. The tabs weren't good enough for me anymore so I switch to knives. During a sever depression episode came my first attempt at suicide. I found that razors are better for my urges. The longest I stop si was about four months. My si has become very danerous recently with having disassociating episodes. My last si episode was two days ago. Thanks for listening to my wierd story!

[nashdepp?]

Hi, I'm nashdepp?, call me Nash.

I began self harming recently. I started using scissors or a craft knife, as all the knives in our house are blunt since my mother started pretending to be sucidal. Last night I found that a serrated knife can't be blunt (duh!) and used that. Tonight I'm having to talk about it on here for the very first time, becuase I'm distracting myself basically.

I started because of many reasons. Parents splitting up, the fact my mother is attention seeking, falling out with friends, jealousy, self hate, and other such things. Basically I do it because its a way to control the anger I feel. When the burning pain arrives, and blood is trickling down my arm, its like the anger is coming out of the wound as well.

I sometimes wish I didn't do it, its so much trouble to cover up, and I'm worried people will be like "Oh my god, that girl wants attention, emo". I feel emotionally incapable to talk about it to anyone in person, so this is going to be my one outlet.

Thanks for reading all that.

[usernametaken]

nashdepp?, on Nov 24 2007, 04:32 PM, said:

so this is going to be my one outlet.

Thanks for reading all that.

welcome Nash

[Adnama]

My name is Adnama, and I self-injure.

It started when I was a freshmen in high school, and has come and went over the course of my life since then. I'm 20 now, and I graduated May '06.
I use to have this dental pick that I played with, and one night I just carved on my forearm. I'm right handed and my left arm has seen so much abuse. I think when I started I wanted someone to notice, I wanted them to see at school, to know how much pain i was in, for a close teacher to talk to me, or send me to the councilor, call my parents, get me an appointment with a shrink- SOMETHING. But the only teacher that ever noticed actually seemed to believe that they were cat scratches [idiot] or he just didn't care or want to be involved. Sigh.

Over time it graduated from wanting someone to notice, to an addiction that I was desperate to hide. I moved from my arm to my legs, my stomach, my shoulders. My dental pick disappeared, I found razor blades- from pencil sharpeners, shaving razors, craft razors- whatever I could get my hands on. And there was constantly something around somewhere.

I've also punched walls.

To me, this pain in my head isn't real. Pain isn't even the right word, it's just the only word, because pain is something real and somewhat tangible. It has a definite cause, a known cause, a localized area, a beginning, and it has an end. "This" doesn't. It has no where to come from, no where to go, no one knows why, know one knows where. But, when I cut, it's almost like I can convert "This" into something more real, more tangible, something with an area, a beginning, something that I can take care of, do something about, and something that will eventually end.

I think I'm also addicted to the release, and seeing the blood. The only thing that has ever gotten me to stop for any significant period of time is actually a medication, "Naltrexone." They traditionally use it for alcohol and drug abuse, it blocks the good feelings you get from using and cuts down on the urges. The same principal works wonders for cutting. Last time I cut was when I ran out. Except I've been craving it again, I think I need an increase on the dose.

I know this is an old topic, but it's nice to have a space to tell the story.

[greencativ]

Hi. My name is greencativ and I self injure.

It started when I was 15. I was on the phone with a friend at the time and I found out my first boyfriend cheated on me. So I cut...big time. All over my arms. I continued to cut whenever anything even slightly bad happened to me. Finally, my parents found out and put me on 24-7 watch. I stopped for a while...but then I got serious withdrawl symptoms when I didn't do it. My body actually felt pain because I wasn't causing any. Finally, they went away.

Then when I was 17, I got a really bad grade on an AP exam which would bring my 1st quarter grade down to a B (I am a perfectionist in that respect) and I got so depressed that I tried to kill myself though cutting...which landed me in the psych ward for a week or so. I continued cutting late late at night after (the only time my parents weren't constantly watching me).

After intense therapy, I finally stoped, but my parents still kept me on constant watch. I had to go to a commuter school even though I could have easily done ivy legue *sorry not trying to brag, but I am just saying I probably could have* because my parents didn't trust me so much.

Finally, I stopped cutting. Then one day, I was like, "if they aren't gonna trust me, then why shouldn't I cut? I miss it." So I started again...which caused a few hospital stays.

Now I am taking a leave of absence, doing DBT classes, am in intensive therapy, and hey...maybe I can even go to my dream school in a couple of years. Who knows? I am getting help and admitting I have a problem. Which is the first step to recovery. Hopefully, I will one day stop si-ing myself and be free of all of this and live like a normal 18 year old.

Thanks for reading. Hey, this WAS theraputic. What do ya know?

[Kieran-Clinch]

Yo. My name is Kieran-clinch and i've SI for about year now. started with a split up of a ex but that brought forward the old times..... sexual abuse, bullying. well what does the job for me... well just the good old artist blade really.. started with a pin but needed more of a kick. i manage to stop for periods of time but always come back... deeper.

Im not gonna lie.. i love doing it although i know it's so bad. it gets me through the day and gives me the edge to get through college at the moment.

Thanks fo listening and PM if you want any non bullshite SI answers.

[Corvid]

Hi, I'm Corvid, and I SI. I've only ever admitted this to a very few people (dh, best friend, pdoc), so this feels like going out on a limb.

I started SI when I was around 5 years old. I had gotten in trouble for something and was sent to my room. I found a fingernail clipper and methodically clipped deeper and deeper until I'd gotten a big chunk out of the back of my hand. The scar is there to this day.

After this for the next 30 years, off and on, my preferred method of SI was headbanging and slapping my face and thighs, sometimes using objects to make it hurt more.

In the last three years, I've started using a blade sometimes (a knife). The first couple of times it wasn't much more than a scratch. The last time I cut I cut so deep that my medic friend, to whom I showed the cuts a few days later, said that I could have used some stitches. The shallower ones healed, but the two deepest ones have left huge scars.

I only cut when I am so angry that I want to kill. Literally to kill, either to murder the person who pissed me off or to kill myself. I cut so that I don't go to prison for homicide or go to the grave by suicide.

What scares me more than anything is that my young child (who I have made absolutely, positively, completely sure never, ever saw me SI or even talk about it) is already doing "light" SI. When I scold her, she'll headbang or twist her fingers into painful-looking pretzels. Is it genetic? I have never let her know that SI exists! But then, nobody taught me, either, and I still managed to find it.

[CrazyBeautiful]

Corvid, on Sep 6 2008, 08:46 PM, said:

Hi, I'm Corvid, and I SI. I've only ever admitted this to a very few people (dh, best friend, pdoc), so this feels like going out on a limb.


What scares me more than anything is that my young child (who I have made absolutely, positively, completely sure never, ever saw me SI or even talk about it) is already doing "light" SI. When I scold her, she'll headbang or twist her fingers into painful-looking pretzels. Is it genetic? I have never let her know that SI exists! But then, nobody taught me, either, and I still managed to find it.

Corvid,

As soon as you said something about starting with headbanging and slapping yourself I thought of what I'm about to say. Then when you said your child is headbanging and doing other mild self injurous behaviors I decided to share with you a possibility. Sometimes people are born with the tendency to need more physical stimulation, particularly when upset. This is mainly an issue with people with an autism spectrum disorder. This can range from full blown autism, aspergers syndrome (milder form of autism) to sensory processing disorder, which mostly has to do with the way the brain processes sensory information. People with these diagnoses often benefit from "sensory" sessions where they or someone else massage them, run a soft brush across their skin, ect... This helps keep them from doing destructive things such as headbanging or whatever else they choose to do during a tantrum. I know about this because I spent some time doing in home behavior modification for children with developmental disabilities. I worked with a kid with autism and he would headbang, scratch himself, throw himself down, smack himself and more when upset. We would try to prevent it by rubbing his arms and back, using a massager on his back, swinging on the swing set, jumping on the trampoline, etc... regularly. See below for how we dealt with the headbanging when it happened.

Although I'm going out on a limb here and really guessing since I've never met you or them, it is possible that you and your child biologically have a need for more sensory stimulation on a regular basis. It has a soothing effect. I personally replaced cutting with other sensory activities, such as scented bubble baths, wrapping up in very comfortable blankets and pillows, talking a walk outside, using scented candles and other activities which involved tying in my senses and relaxing.

Anyhow, unless it gets really out of hand ,it may just be how your child is and may not need any kind of intervention. Some kids do that stuff. A lot of them grow out of it. Obviously you should do your best to keep them from hitting their head because minor head injuries can cause big problems. Anyhow, it is just something to think about. As far as how to respond to the headbanging... try to put your child in a "softer" place less likely to cause a head injury, then ignore them until they stop tantruming. Stay nearby but dont look them in the eye and act like it isn't phasing you. Even act like you are busy doing something else. Stick to that, even if it takes an hour the first two times. They'll stop that stuff eventually. Hope that helps.

[faith.clarke]

Hi all I'm Faith, I'm new here and I SH. I've been doing it on and off since I was 17 - I'm now 26. I mostly cut but I have also hit my arm and hand with a hammer trying to break it - it never worked. I haven't done it since January this year but life is being pretty c**p atm. My daughter has lived with my mum for the past 3 years so luckily she doesn't see how bad I am. I'm feeling very depressed and suicidal recently and I've been getting an overwhelming urge to self-harm again. I haven't done it yet but the urge is getting greater. I've looked on the net for ways to get round the urge but most of them I can't do like phone a friend (helps if I had any), talk to someone who cares and understands (if I hear another round of pull yourself together I'm gonna kill them let alone me) and the whole doing red marks on my skin doesn't help. Any other ideas? Life is c**p and now it has just got so much worse now I've found out that my mum is taking my daugher to France for xmas with mum's partner and his mother leaving me on my own for xmas...oh how much fun I'm gonna have - NOT!! I already had a very strong feeling that my family are trying to kick me out of the family....my brother hates me (feeling is mutual), my Dad is in France and I hardly ever see him or hear from him, my mum has better things to do then talk to me except when she wants something and none of them actually understand and I'm unable to tell them anything. I have absolutely no friends let alone any I can talk to and the mental health team are worse than useless - the shrinks I've seen have either told me I'm attention seeking or ask me how to fix a crack in the wall - personally I'd call the council and they would send someone round to mend it seeing as it's not my problem but apparantly it's some kind of problem solving thing. Short of running away and giving a false name so they can't track my medical records (they take one look at them and write me off as a time wasting attention seeker) I have no idea how to get any kind of help. Any advice? Anyway I hope this makes some kind of sense as I'm useless at talking about my feelings which is why I'm useless in therapy!

Faith

[AnarchyCow]

Hi, my name is Brandon, and I SI... I started when I was 14, after opening a pocket knife the incorrect way *wraps finger around blade and pulls*, I loved the tingle, the numb, cold sensation that traveled all throughout my body. On purpose, I started with simple scratches, often just knives that we're in my house, my parents never paid any attention, and slowly moved on to razors.

At 16, my best friend took her own life, and I didn't do anything to help her, I still cry when I think about it to this day. I tried to OD that night, but fell just short.

From then, I used razors, never deep, but I would cover my whole forearm from Elbow to Wrist with a endless field of cuts.

Now, I'm 18, still young, still haven't been through half of the hardships of my life, but I'm just unable to cope. One day, I'm happier than I ever though possible, and the next, I jump infront of cars, just waiting for one to not stop. I can't cut anymore because of my job. So, I turned to Cigs, but through these feelings, it's not enough.

Just last night, I tried to OD again, Klonopin.... I passed out on my way down the stairs... Just some bruises and a stiff neck...

I've been begging for a alternative, but I just can't seem to find it...

[Changed]

Hi my name is changed and I Self injure.

I never really knew it had a fancy therapy name, It just started when I was a little girl and the pain would start to feel like it was actually pressing me tight like if I didnt do something I would lose control of everything so I grabbed a lighter and started burning myself with it. It made the pain go away, then I started tearing out my hair or slapping my face its easier to explain away a bruise than a burn. I started cutting at 13 I dont know why I just wanted to see myself bleed once I started it just because my go to thing I would use anything I could find to do it with. I have been cut free for 6 months now but I am still hitting and tearing at myself.

[2tall4ne1]

hey i'm very new to this, but i can't begin to describe how awesome it is to find and read a forum such as this. real honesty, uncensored detail - reality.

I'm 2tall4ne1, and i've Self injured for over 4 years, had dry spells inbetween last 7-12 weeks, but come back each time having to go further and seeking 'more'. i go sharper, deaper and longer. i've cut continously for the past 12 months, lucky if i could last 4 days without. i've come to understand this part of me as an addiction, which i conceptualise almost like a drug- i guess it one in some senses. but i don't do it for the thrill, i do it because the pain sensation helps me get myself together and deal with the next moments. as long as i can feel that after burn and sting i'm ok. my addiction has changed me greatly, i have rules which i have to follow, as another part of my brain rules my existance- and thats known as OCD. i can't cut with broken pieces of glass bottles or windows, i use medical scalpels and stanley knives. both have to be scrubbed with scalding hot water before and after. getting myself to use a slightly rusty knife is a nightmarish of a challenge that has been overcome in desperation. Lighters are easier to use- flame - instant killing of bacteria (or so my head believes). i go on holidays, i find places like public restrooms and dark alleyways and do this because i dont want to 'taint' my friends home, and i wouldnt want her family finding out.
i was fortunate to work with a great counsellor the past two years, and he adopted the harm minimisation approach which in the end has strengthened my conceptualisation of what i'm diong,and sometimes gives me greater control over it. but like any other drug, i long for it, it dominates my thoughts, i plan when i can do it, where i can, my scars remind me of what i'm denying myself and wat i'm fighting against.

i'm diagnosed depression, with ocd tendencies. i've never been phsycilly abused, and i for awhile i coudln't work out why i do this, but now i'm forming some clarity. i just turned 22 last week, i havent cut since the last nite being 21.

but i'm still not ready for the feeling this addiction gives me, to be removed from me. majority of the things in my life have fallen to pieces, nothing else helps, except the drugs i've been prescribed which help me sleep if nothing else.

i'm not ready to say goodbye to self injuring - as pathetic as that sounds.

[tiredoftherapy21]

hi my name is shana, I am 22, and I am a self-injurer I started cutting myself when I was 8 or 9. I accidentally cut myself with a knife in the kitchen and the feeling was so good, I thought wow, and I was hooked. it became a addiction of sorts, whenever things got really bad, or a situation was too much for me to take, and i couldnt handle my emotions I would cut with a xacto knife, or a blade, deep into my skin. sometimes I would even do it just so I would feel something bc I couldnt take the numbness I was feeling, the feeling like i wasnt alive, it became an coping mechanism, for whatever bad shit was going on in my life, and turned into an addiction where I even cut, when I didnt even have a reason to cut, just bc I felt like I was going to die if I didnt.

I just cut myself the other day, relapsed, and I feel lik ea failure.

[2tall4ne1]

your not a failure

definately not a failure if you go back to it