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About to try to give up heroin for the upteenth time

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#1 pinmonkey



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Posted 10 June 2007 - 07:13 PM

Well I am new to this board although I did post a reply the other month to someone who was about to come off methodone for their back under the name guest_beetle. As I said in that post I have been on heroin for the last 10 years and I am approaching my 30th birthday and want to try and get off it before then. My major problem is that heroin does the job so well for me. It keeps me on the level as I'm a naturally highly strung person, it doesn't zonk me out like most ppl but just brings me down to a nice normal level and take the edge of the shittiness that life brings. My problem is that when I'm clean I'm a fucking nightmare, I don't care about anyone or anything and I'm a major danger to myself and other ppl around me. I see that person as a totally different person to who I am now and I hate him. In fact I have always taken a consious decision to get back on the smack as its better for me. I hold down a good well paid job and I don't get in trouble with the law, I read books (which I love doin and just cant manage to read a single line letalone a page wen Im clean) and I'm basically a nice person when I'm on the gear. I've only ever had a decent realtionship wiv my parents since bein on gear and I hate the way I make my Mum cry wen Im clean and she asks me an innocent question I dont want to answer and rip her head off. It just seems when I've tried life being clean Im basically just a c&*t, I flip out at people at the flick of a switch, I look for arguments and fights, I can't concentrate let alone relax or watch TV. I know that if I could get through the first 4-6 months of being clean some of these feelings would subside but I just can't seem to manage it. Its like as soon as Im clean my brain reverts back to how it was when I was 18 (b4 I got on gear) and wen I was 18 I was a bastard.
So I want to get clean but Im in a major dilema as my life is better on the gear. As my counsellor says I have lots of external factors telling me to get off the smack (money, health, family) but no internal factors as the feeling I get from the smack just overrides everything. I've been doing CBT which is great and I now realise that yeah it has me in a choke hold and I will die from it. Last time I was clean it was a horrible time and I found myself thinkin that "to live I have to kill myself through gear". I already have had DVTs in my leg and trouble wiv my liver & lungs and I will probably get a DVT in my arm soon as I keep jabbing straight down into my forearm to a vein an inch down which aint good not good at all. Every single time I bang up there as soon as the hits come I'm like "man wat am I doin, got to stop, no more, tommorow I will just smoke it". I lob all my pins in a pinbin, wrap a bag and drive miles away and go throw them over a fence or in a bin. The next day I will stay in work til after 6.30 (thats wen the chemist shuts that gives out the free pins/citric etc) but then on leaving work needin a fix, the thoughts in my head just override every good intention that I may have had and I will drive to that bin or fence and climb over or stick my hand into the slimy bin (in front of ppl I couldnt give a rats ass if kids were shouting and pointing at me) and I get those pins out. I will be gagging to stick that pin in me and no other thought will enter my head til its done. Then im in the same situation wiv thoughts of disgust washin over me again. Im proper ramblin now but I'm tryin to explain myself the best way I can. I've done good over the last couple years since my last try at detox. I've stopped smoking fags, crack (and injectin crack/snowballs), ive stopped all my anti-physcotics/depressants and found myself feelin so much better thru doin that. I got a good job im doin well at, car etc, payin off my debts. Ive started doin sports football, marital arts etc and it was all going so well until I found that vein one day. Now I have done some majorly bad things in my life wen Ive not worked but ive never hit rock bottom like some of my mates who hav got clean and coz Ive managed to hold it 2gether I haven't wanted to get clean. But now things are different, I've done all my growin up on gear and I actually want a life. What I am so scared of is not the 5 day hell that a cluck will bring but how I am goin to handle those months after getting clean without turnin into the drunk asshole I usually do. If anyone has any kind words or advice on the following then pls let me have it.

-How can I live with myself without the aid of brain numbing opiates knowing the damage I have done to my body - DVT, liver damage. I could drop dead from a clot in the brain any minute how am I supposed to handle that thought with no drugs to block the thought out?

-I really don't want to go back on any meds. If I can get off smack I dont want a doc givin me a life long prescription of some other mood altering (altho legal) pill. If thats the case Id rather have the smack as it does a better job. What could the doc give me to stop all the shit I go through those 4-6 months (crazy thoughts, not caring, short temper, not relaxin, basically being a c%$%) wivout turnin me into a monged up zombie that can't do anything.

Now anything that anyone who has gone through the same sort of thing can tell that could help would be greatly appreciated. I have tried AA, NA, rehab etc but found that phillosophy and exercise have been the best tools I have used that have got me from being someone (3 yrs ago) that didn't care whether I lived or died as long as I had enough smack to last me til my dyin breath (I was so fucked from crack/smack that I was getting out of breath gettin out of bed in the mornin, or goin to the toilet / walkin up stairs) I really didnt care but now I do and I see the years 30+ as bein a fresh start. The only issue is how I deal wiv what I have done to myself and others I care about without getting so depressed about it that it drives me back to drugs to block it out. So anything you can say will help. Thanks!

#2 scatty


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Posted 10 June 2007 - 07:55 PM

I really don't know what to say. You don't want to treat your depression with pills, but you'll do smack. You act like an ass off the shit cause that's what withdrawal entails. You will feel like hell for months. All I can say is that you will end up sober, dead, or in jail. To get clean requires so much effort. So much easier to just do the heroin. I understand that, to some extent, although my drug of choice was not the same. You have to change your lifestyle, friends, and it will suck for a while. It does get better. If rehab is an option for you I would recommend it. Again. Along with outpatient aftercare. AA/NA isn't for everyone but finding people to relate to your cravings may make you feel less alone. Drugs for depression/anxiety can certainly take the edge off. You have to make the decision and be strong. You don't sound committed to quitting to me, and you know success depends on you really wanting to do the work and be in hell for a while. That's what I got from your post anyway, that you are wavering and making excuses. If you insist it really is better on the smack, no one can help you.

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#3 LikeMinded


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Posted 10 June 2007 - 08:11 PM

I'm not sure I'm qualified to say much, since my only substance addiction was to alcohol (started 11/05, haven't been drunk since 4/06), and I've not had any experience with the opiates (save for post-surgical pain, and oxycodone didn't do shit for me in that dept).

I'm going to support your decision to come clean, if only for practical reasons. Heroin's not particularly easy to get (you know this better than I do), and of course you run the risk of getting into big trouble with the law. And not only does your liver suffer from the use of it (as with other drugs!), you've also got to deal with frequent use of needles and/or smoke fumes.

Now, most psych meds aren't addictive physically... i.e., you don't have to constantly raise their dosages to achieve the same effect. Most psych meds won't give you the rush/euphoria of a high, either. Sure, I have to take Lamictal every day to prevent me from going into mixed states and becoming an asshole, but at least my dose has stayed at 400mg for over a year, and isn't going anywhere anytime soon. I don't have progressively more severe liver damage from having to constantly escalate the dose.

But really, smack is a little different chemically since most users require an ever-increasing dose to meet the standards of the previous high. At some point, to get the same high you did when you were 18, you might have to resort to doses that run the risk of having you asphyxiated through central respiratory apnea. And as you mentioned, it'll also ruin your liver more and more each time. And I'm assuming those are major reasons why you want to come clean.

I'm glad that philosophy and exercise, two very simple and inexpensive (i.e. free) tools, have helped you so much. They help a lot of addicts, as well as those with other mental illnesses. I found that considering philosophy (as well as spirituality) helps me curb self-destructive behavior. Exercise also increases my energy, which also helps.

All I can say in the end, is best of luck. Should exercise and philosophy not suffice for you in the future, there are always the medical treatments. One med (buprenorphine with or without naloxone) is well-studied and approved for opiate withdrawal treatment, and is considered to be a hell of a lot easier than methadone to get off of. (Methadone, of course, is in and of itself addictive!) Should you need additional assistance (beyond environmental and social support), you can speak with your doctor about medical treatment of heroin withdrawal.

CAUTION: I'm a graduate computational medicine/allied health information student, and NOT a licensed clinician of any sort in any part of the world.  I can come up with lots of algorithms, generalities, and statistics but cannot provide specific medical advice for you!  You, along with your healthcare provider/pdoc/tdoc/etc. are the best decision makers for what is best!


Me: MDD, AD/HD, HFA/PDD-NOS/Partial Neurotypicality/WTF, REM behavioral disorder/misc. sleep issues, some variant of PTSD... toss in hypothyroidism, post-meningitis-related Parkinson's disease/tremor, early stage pulmonary hypertension from a connective tissue disorder that wants me dead before age 60, and a few misc. manly hormone issues, and you'll get a few insights on where that PTSD came from.


Now on: Cymbalta, mirtazapine, oxybutynin, clonazepam, lamotrigine, clonidine, levothyroxine, metformin, Testim.  As Velvet Elvis implied, I sound like a freakin' maraca salesman when I go through airport security.

#4 MiaB


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Posted 11 June 2007 - 03:54 AM

I agree with herrfous - look into opiate withdrawal therapy with the help of suboxone (buprenorphine). My husband also believed that he functioned better on heroin than off it, and at some point his pdoc commented on it too. Eventually he stayed on suboxone for some time as maintenance treatment. You'll see in the quote below that tolerance of suboxone doesn't build up in the way it does with regular opiates, and can therefore not be considered addictive in the same way.

However, the fact that you feel you function better on it doesn't give you an excuse to be bloody stupid and stay on the H. My feeling from reading your post is that you're not committed to this and are already giving yourself permission not to get clean.

You need a pdoc. Opiates mask all sorts of underlying psychiatric crap, so it's natural that it comes to the fore when you clean up. There are several psychiatric illnesses that can subsist in a comorbid way with substance abuse.

At the end of the day it's your choice. I'm being harsh with you b/c I've btdt myself with opiate addiction and I've experienced the horror of withdrawal with and from methadone. And I know all about all the "oh well, if being clean doesn't feel good, then I'll just pick up again" thoughts.

Below is a quote from an earlier discussion on this topic.

before you go getting into some really black hole vortex addiction like (name removed) is advocating with morphine or methadone (just try stopping those and feel the real meaning of pain) - one med you might want to look into is suboxone (buprenorphine). it is a partial-opiate so it has a ceiling to its effect yet 25-50x strong as morphine. basically what this means is that the tolerance doesnt seem to go up forever like with oxy and withdrawing is far less severe than any other opiate. i had been on oxycodone for arthritis until i reached a point where i couldn't take enough to get any effect but stopping was hell. the suboxone incredibly has been more effective for the chronic pain as well as not having the same craving and tolerance issues. i started at 8mg 2x day and 5 months later same dose is just as effective. its also very long acting so no rollercoaster.

Seriously, do yourself a favour and see a pdoc. You shouldn't be doing this alone. And in the meantime think very carefully if you are ready to commit yourself to getting clean. It's hard, but it's do-able, and you need to be serious about it. You cannot keep the thought on the backburner that the H is always an option.

edited b/c I wasn't really being clear y'day

Edited by miab, 12 June 2007 - 02:47 AM.

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#5 LikeMinded


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Posted 12 June 2007 - 06:57 AM

I think I didn't emphasize something enough in my last reply... maybe this sounds a little trite and obvious, but Heroin is one hell of a lot more addictive than a majority of psych meds.

Again, I stand by my recommendation to speak with your doctor about buprenorphrine (combined with naloxone it's known as Suboxone, as miab pointed out. Buprenorphrine, a drug somewhat similar to the opiates, "moderates" your response to opiates, and therefore reduces withdrawal symptoms and cravings (at least in most people) for other drugs, especially the opiates like heroin. The naloxone component in Suboxone blocks deriving pleasure from traditional opiate use.

Again, buprenorphrine isn't considered particularly addictive. Naloxone, by its opiate-blocking nature, is of course non-addictive.

You've got to make sure you're committed. You might be thinking that meds are the "easy way out" and so you wouldn't want to try them... but I can say with confidence that continuing to use smack is a much easier way, and also a much more dangerous way. If you've tried everything under the sun and are still facing behavioral withdrawal effects, then you absolutely should speak with your doctor about medical therapies for addiction. Better yet, find an addiction treatment specialist pdoc... they're reasonably widely available, and many communities offer free clinical programs in this field.

You're not at the end of "nothing works". There are still options.

Again, best of luck.

CAUTION: I'm a graduate computational medicine/allied health information student, and NOT a licensed clinician of any sort in any part of the world.  I can come up with lots of algorithms, generalities, and statistics but cannot provide specific medical advice for you!  You, along with your healthcare provider/pdoc/tdoc/etc. are the best decision makers for what is best!


Me: MDD, AD/HD, HFA/PDD-NOS/Partial Neurotypicality/WTF, REM behavioral disorder/misc. sleep issues, some variant of PTSD... toss in hypothyroidism, post-meningitis-related Parkinson's disease/tremor, early stage pulmonary hypertension from a connective tissue disorder that wants me dead before age 60, and a few misc. manly hormone issues, and you'll get a few insights on where that PTSD came from.


Now on: Cymbalta, mirtazapine, oxybutynin, clonazepam, lamotrigine, clonidine, levothyroxine, metformin, Testim.  As Velvet Elvis implied, I sound like a freakin' maraca salesman when I go through airport security.

#6 mel1



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Posted 12 June 2007 - 09:42 AM

I don't know if this will be helpful, as it is second-hand experience. Well, except the effects an addict has on the people who love them. My brother recently came clean to my whole family about being an addict. My sister in law called my mom and told her that my brother was heavy into drugs (she left him and he is not allowed to see his kids, he was jobless after makin 80,000 a year, he was homeless and staying w/ druggies). My family had basically disowned him because we couldn't stand the heartbreak, in and out of jail, my mom giving him 10's of 100's of $ again and again until finally she stopped). Everyone was so angry with him.

One day, a couple of months ago, he called my mom, sobbing, admitting that he was an addict and needed help bad. He said he had been clean for 3 days and was going to NA meetings. Then he called and said he "fell off the wagon" and this went back and forth until he moved away from all his druggies(devils). Since then, he has stayed clean for one month, goes to NA mtg.'s 5 times/ day. And he got a sponsor, moved into a half-way house, and, last I heard, they were helping him to get a part-time job.

Something they really made a difference for him was: 1. He hit rock bottom, lost everything, admitted he had a severe, life-threatening addiction that he couldn't stop without help.
2. Although my family had "disowned" him, when he reached out to us, we were totally there for him. Our family has been through a lot of shit and we're pretty close-read-unconditional love. (we never really disowned him, but stopped enabling him). He asked for gift cards for gas and clothes and food and phone cards. He said he didn't want any $ because he was afraid he might use.

I told him all about the utter hell I'd gone through- being dx'd BP and etc. My point is this. You can't do it alone. You can't do it unless you are committed. You must reach out to someone-anyone- who will help you. I told my bro how when I really bad (in bed plotting my suicide), I took everything minute by minute. Instead of "one day at a time", it was one minute at a time. Not kidding. But here I am-alive. My life is far from perfect, but so is everyone else's life on the planet.
"I cannot do everything, but I can do something."-Helen Keller
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current dx: Bipolar 2, GAD s/ Panic Disorder, dysthymia, MDD, ADHD
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#7 cagedmanic



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Posted 15 June 2007 - 08:35 AM

Can I encourage u to read my blog today to see how that demon has effected my family and those we know--I wrote about this very issue today.Good luck.......
Even if I say It'll be alright----Still, I hear u say--- u want to END your life
Now and again we try----To just stay alive
Maybe we'll turn it all around -----Cause its not too late
Never too late.....Three Days Grace

When life seems out to get u...Duck & Run & Take Cover !!!
Wanna change your life? Start by changing your mind

DX:Rapid-cycling Bipolar OCD,& PTSD with Migraines from hell.......RX:Depakote & Klonopin

#8 lost



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Posted 15 June 2007 - 01:40 PM

Dude, from your language I take it you live in the UK like me. I know that situation for heroin addicts is bad here. It is very easy to find pretty much everywhere. I used to score cannabis resin from heroin addicts and being around them made me very sad. On the plus side I still see one reguarly around town and he is off the gear, has managed to curb his drinking and is contemplating starting a new life living on a barge with his gf away from the rough heroin-soaked estate where he grew up. I guess I can only make the following points:

- you need people to accept you are going to be an asshole while withdrawing, and that it could take some time

- moving far away somewhere in the countryside, say north scotland or somewhere, would help. you seem to have no qualms about getting a fix in any way possible when you are giving in to cravings. therefore being away from the stuff might help. if you get signed up for temporary DLA and incapacity benefit then you might be able to get away somewhere?

- if you have an underlying mental illness that you are self-medicating for then hospital might be the best place. NHS hospitals are pretty horrible places and you will be exposed to all kinds of soft drugs there, but I knew a couple of MI addicts in hospital who got clean and ultimately had a positive experience.

- De Quincy's "confessions of an english opium eater" is a great book in general, as well as being a great book on opiate addiction. The writer was a "functioning" addict but found that as his life went on he developed some serious problems. Might be good as a subjective warning, as well as a fantastic read if you are into reading.

- One alternative detox therapy involves the hallucinogenic Iboga plant, which is available on the net. It is pretty tough therapy by all accounts, but many people have got off class-As using it. Of course do your research (erowid.org is a good source, as well asfor more info on heroin and other drugs) as I only mention it because I remember someone heartily recommending it to me for my general drug addiction - at one point I would consume whatever I could get my hands on (luckily I never came accross heroin but had a narrow brush with crack)

All of this may be no use whatsoever. I don't have any personal experience of opiate addiction. Good luck!

Edited by lost, 15 June 2007 - 01:42 PM.

#9 pinmonkey



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Posted 08 July 2007 - 06:42 PM

Hi, Sorry for taking so long to get back to the message but I have been very busy
and don't get much time to spend on the net at night.

First of all I am in the process of planning my next detox-recovery which I am hoping
to do within the next few months hopefully before my 30th birthday. In fact I have
spent the last 2 years since my last try getting things in place so that this time
will be a success. Things such as; stable job, giving up smoking, giving up all other drugs
ie coke,crack,pills,valium etc, starting hobbies & sports so I have stuff to do apart from
drink when I get clean.

Also I have tried almost every detox, pill out there apart from that Iboga plant thing someone
mentioned and I don't know why anyone would want to spend their cluck trippin off the nut as that's
the last thing I'd want to do. I've been on subutex many a time 24mg a day, I still used on top and even
used to inject the things to get a buz. Methadone, on it at the moment, horrible stuff but lets me go to work
in the morning.
I've had the naltrexone pills and the implants (at 1000 a time for 6 months they aint cheap and sometimes
they leak the pellets inside the implant causing an infection with no refund!).
I've had the rapid 5day detox, being woke up every 2hrs to take a pot full of benzos and then given a
naltroxone on the last day. I've even done the same thing at home without the 2500 cost ie taken a naltroxone pill
wiv a load of downers and done 5days of cluck in a few hours. It works but its pure living hell for those few
hours and you would gladly take a bullet to stop the pain if only u cud manage to crawl away from the toilet
ur permanently stuck on. At the moment I don't know how I will get off it but I will. The issue is staying off it.
Someone said it in a previous message, I do come from the UK and yes Smack is easy to score everywhere.
24hrs a day I can get it. I can walk out my office and have a choice of 5 dealers within walking distance
or even get it delivered to my workplace within the hour and I don't even live in a big city.
It is a big big problem. I can go to any town in this drug infected country and score smack within the hour.
I've done it in most towns I've been to and even towns in France and Spain using sign language. I have gone
off to the wilds of Scotland to get off the stuff only to go into the local town and meet a dealer. So yes the
UK has an issue and yes if I get clean I will have to learn to live with the knowledge its always round the corner.

Someone else said it as well that you need to hit rock bottom before getting off it and that's so so true.
The only people I know who have managed it did hit rock bottom and my problem is that within all the time
I've been on it I haven't and probably never will. This is why I don't have any internal drivers making me
want to get off it only external ones. You may say I'm making excuses but they are valid reasons why I always
go back on the gear. It just seems like heroin (forget the way I take it) does do me good in some respects eg:
I function really well on it. It calms me down that little bit and takes the edge of my thinking.
Yes I have seen shrinks,counsellors & docs.
I have been on anti-depressants and anti-psychotics too many in my opinion and now I am on nothing but meth and gear.
I have had more than a few of my doctors say that heroin seems to work for me whereas other pills don't and if I lived
in London I would most likely be getting it prescribed rather than methadone. (doctors with a special licence can prescribe
heroin to addicts in this country) In fact at the moment my current doctor agrees that I would be suitable for it to be
prescribed but he gave up his license. Also I think if I was on a script It would give me even less incentive to get off it
so I am glad that I am not being prescribed it.
Yes I have issues. Everybody has issues that they have to deal with in life and mine are shitty ones but the sort that you
can't do anything about just learn to live with and take any shit that comes my way, and no talking doesn't help.
In that regards having something to block constant
worries and thoughts out that lets me get on with my day is a good thing. Many people like a drink I have a boot
I pay my bills and taxes, go to work and live like everyone else apart from this one thing.
So I have my reasons that mean that I find heroin isn't all bad for me and in that respects I think I am quite rare as I
look around me at all the friends (ex) that are also on smack and they aren't like that. I need more hands than
I have to count the bodies and another lot to count the number of people in jail and homeless. Sometimes I actually wish
that I would just loose the plot go downhill and hit rock bottom so that I'd want to get off it more than I do but
I can't see that happening. Don't let me give you the impression that its all good though coz its not although
I'm a "functioning addict" as they say there are issues regarding my use that make me want to stop its just that
unfortunately they don't outweigh the positives (for me) yet. The primary one is the injecting. I already have fucked
up one leg and I don't want anymore damage. In fact since my first post I have managed to stop injecting which is one
good thing. The other main issue is my lack of a love life. Who wants to go out with a smack head? Raise your hands.
I could go out with another addict but that doesn't take my fancy and if even I don't want to go out wiv an addict
then what hope do I have. However as the smack kills your libido this isn't too much of a concern at the moment.
So my health and my love live. As for my loved ones, parents and family well I have only ever had a relationship
worth mentioning since I was on the gear and they accept it and understand it from my side. Obviously they wish I was clean
and happy but as of yet that combination has never been possible.
Sorry to go on but I am just laying it down and you can make of it what you will. If I could be clean, function as well
as I do now and have the mental stability that I only seem to get from taking gear then I would gladly take it with both
hands wide open. However this has not been possible up till now.

In spite of all that I am still going to try to get clean this year. Even though I know its going to be pure
hell and I might fail again I am going to give it a shot. I just really really wish gear didn't do such a wonderful
job on my head because if it didn't I wouldn't be here typing away now. Anyway thanks for all your comments and advice
I take it all on board as constructive criticism and wish you all the best.

If anyone's interested I put some of my poems up on a blog the other month http://thepinworks.blogspot.com/
I must go and update it.


#10 divinedesign21


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Posted 11 July 2007 - 06:02 PM

Well, I'm coming off morphine right now. It's been ten days. Can't do much of anything, although I've been trying. I feel bad when I push myself to do normal, routine things. Physically bad. I hate this. I wish I'd never gotten back on morphine. It had been over a year since I used the stuff. So silly.
Dx: Bipolar Disorder/Borderline Personality Disorder

600 mg. Trileptal, 50 mg. Zoloft , 150 mg. Trazodone

#11 IllegalSmile



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Posted 13 July 2007 - 04:29 PM

I used to work for a needle exchange and we networked with a man who ran one of the only two clinics in the world who administer Ibogaine, which is the substance derived from the iboga plant refered to earlier in this post. What struck me as significant about this approach was it was a cure for the cravings and not so much a fix for the withdrawals. I read one man's accounting of how he felt about the experience and he wrote that it was like a switch in his head that turned the "yes" into a "no." or something to that affect. Another man who tried this approach to giving up heroin said, after the treatment he felt no desire to use any drug at all. He said if he ever faltered, he would just sniff or lick the cellophane package the doctor had wrapped a carry-away dose in. That was enough to remove cravings from his mind. I have heard and read several accounts of what the treatment is like and the best one I ever read was something I found on the Internet. I hope you can find testimonials to aid you in deciding if you should really rule this out or not.

In the entire time I was involved with IV drug users, I never met a heroin user who didn't want to get off and stay off heroin. It is a sad tragedy, these cravings. Look into Ibogaine if you can't shake them. There's a clinic in the Med. somewhere and one in Mexico. Keep us posted. I hope you can get and stay clean. Love, Terrie...
"When you're a lawman & you're dealing with people, it's best not to go by the book, but to go by the heart."
~ Sheriff Andy Taylor, Mayberry, NC

#12 CronenbergFan



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Posted 14 July 2007 - 09:45 AM

In the past I've tried heroin about a dozen times, so I definitely understand what you mean when you say it takes the edge off. A ten year addiction isn't going to be easy to curb, and as others have said, it's going to be a rough ride and you've got to expect to be a bit of an unstable asshole for a while, I'd say that's just a natural part of the process, but it doesn't mean you're going to be that way forever.

A friend of mine recently kicked his junk habit of almost a year and he was a right bastard for a month or so, but now he's back to normal. People who've been using it for much longer than you have managed to quit it, so it isn't impossible... best of luck to you, let us know how it goes. Oh, and I agree with lost's recommendation of Thomas De Quincey's 'Confessions of an English Opium-Eater' -- it's a great book, really insightful and it could possibly be a help to you.

#13 Citalynda



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Posted 04 January 2009 - 01:16 AM

well i'm new to this page or sight. need to tell you dont waste your time or others around you, you are not ready, willing or able to stop. you have to many excuses right now, so just continue to do you and hopefully one day you will be ready to deal with all the shit that comes with getting off heroin. what i got from you is that getting off heroin isnt the issue, it's staying off the heroin. hope you could learn to love yourself enough and give yourself a chance at a real life (drug-free). i dont know if you have a higher power in your life but that could be a start into getting to accept you for you and also finding out how to deal with issues that arise with everyday life.
i started using heroin about 10yrs ago and i've been getting clean on and off for awhile. finally in 2002 i got clean (drug/alcohol free) and stayed that way for 5yrs and 4months. i too like to be or feel mellow, relaxed and nice. i ended up relapsing last year in february 2008 and i'm still using. my life has become unbearable, a living nightmare. i lost more this time than ever before but once again i'm going for sobriety on monday (detox,rehab) and i will continue to fight this enemy of addiction because for me i'm just killing myself slowly but surely and life (sober) is just to precious and wonderful to let go of for a bag of dope. i know its not gonna be easy, especially after being clean for such a while but i'm ready, willing and able to do whatever it takes to get myself back. I DESERVE IT. ;)

#14 MiaB


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Posted 04 January 2009 - 03:06 AM

Citalynda - if you check the dates on this thread, you'll notice that it started in June 2007... so you're rather late if you're addressing the original poster in your reply.

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#15 Guest_Renee_*

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Posted 09 February 2010 - 07:06 AM

I just have to ask, can you ever really beat an addiction? Even when you're off the junk you still think about it everyday, right? or? I had a very mild addiction to anti depressants and emotional/pysical masochism, I guess i can't really relate in the same way as the substance abuse isn't quite to the same extent. However I still think about it a lot.

I asked my questions because, well, someone I love very dearly is a Heroin addict. I lied to myself for a long time when they said they were off the junk. They were, the only thing was I knew they were thinking about it 24/7 and it was still consuming and controlling their lives. They were an addict for (as far I I've been aware) 2-3 years. They were clean for 9 months, then I recently recieved a phone call after 2 months of an unexplained no contact with "help me I've had a relapse". Is this a cycle thats bound to continue? I want to believe they will get better, but hey, I'm not naieve either.

#16 catastrophe



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Posted 22 April 2010 - 04:04 AM

Yes, you can beat an addiction - even a lifelong heroin addiction. It is one of the hardest things to do in life, but it is possible. The main factors are your determination to completely change your way of life - of dealing with the pains of living - and your support system (friends and family). The best thing you can do for your friend (to the poster above) is to be there for him, accept that he is under the control of a drug that is more powerful than most people's "willpower", and that quitting involves relapses. So, if you can just be a friend for him, come pick him up when he's had a relapse and take him somewhere safe, listen to his annoying whining and complaining with compassion, and show him that you have faith that he can turn things around. Encourage him to seek professional help, because without that it is awful hard to beat a serious addiction. The rest is up to him. But one of the main driving forces in his struggle is the feeling that he has let everyone down. Don't let him think that of you. If you are truly a friend, you can help him by carrying him through a lot of the disasters - but it will take a big commitment on your part. It isn't easy to be a friend to someone who lies to you and goes back on their promises. Just try to remember that a lot of that is caused by a chemical reaction in his brain, not a choice on his part to hurt you - for an addict, sometimes there is nothing in the world but a hit, everything else is invisible, there is just the overwhelming NEED to have the one thing that will make everything OK - and it is almost impossible to see the damage they are doing to others and themselves - there is just that overbearing NEED, that can only be satisfied by one thing. It's like you feel like you are drowning, and although you understand logically that you are not, and everyone tells you that you are not, the feeling of drowning is so overwhelming that all you can think of is to come up for air (coming up for air being my metaphor for taking a hit).
Imagine everything feeling wrong - feeling like crap physically, mentally, emotionally, all day every day. There are a few spots here and there where things are 'alright' at best, but every moment of life is painful in every way. And out there, within grasp, is a little baggie that can take it all away for a while - make everything ok, everything golden, warm, cozy. You know that you have to suffer without it in order to survive, you know that you have to keep on hurting and just trying to make the best of a world of shit - but that little magical elixir can fix it all in sixty seconds. Hey - you could even just 'take a little break' from this world that is devoid of hope, of meaning, of pleasure of any kind - just for a few hours, that wouldn't hurt. No one would find out. You could just score one hit and everything will be just fine, you'll be happy again, feel ok, have a reason to smile. It's just one hit - you could just cop that one hit and then go back to the world full of pain, that wouldn't be such a sin, would it? But you know it won't stop there - but hey, maybe it will. maybe you could just do it just this once and feel ok for a little while and then get back to the hard work of slowly crawling back into the world of the living. Maybe just this once. It would be so easy. Just go somewhere secluded and get off for a few hours, then come back and face everything. It wouldn't be so bad...

There is no comparison for the struggle of staying clean after a long addiction. It really is a matter of living one moment at a time - just suffer through this one moment, this one day. Worry about tomorrow tomorrow. If you can just not grab hold of that golden ring that will take all the hurt away right now, that's all that matters. Don't think about the future - a lifetime of staying clean is impossible, but one day just may be. And the next, well, worry about it then. Can I hold on just right now?
And sometimes you don't. You go back to your safe place where everything is ok. You feel the most enormous guilt for doing it, now things are worse than ever. But you try again. Just make it through today. Just distract yourself enough to make it through the day without giving in. And the cycle goes on - if the guilt and pain of slipping back into your old habits are too much to bear, all the more reason to just give up and take away all the pain the only way you can. BUT, if someone is there for you to pick you up when you fuck up, to tell you that it is ok, that you can make it, that it was just a mistake, well maybe if someone else believes in you, then you can believe in yourself. But when everyone you know just sees you as a hopeless junkie - there's not much point in trying to prove them wrong.

The truth is, most addicts quit on their own eventually. It may take 20-30 years, but eventually they just get sick of the lifestyle and do stop (of course some of them die before that happens). But in the long run, most all addicts do end up quitting, one way or another. The way it happens is that they hit rock bottom, decide to turn things around and get clean. And they stay clean for a while. But then the days get long. The momentum wears down. The really, really hard work of living day to day gets excruciating. Something goes really wrong - they lose their job or their lover or their dog dies. Something puts them over the edge. Or maybe they just can't take one more day of feeling like shit. And they relapse. But, they pick themselves back up and start over. Clean again, trying to make it through another day without using. And they are successful for a while. But then one day it's too bad, or it's too easy to score, or something reminds them of how great it was being high. Or they have something great happen and a need to celebrate overcomes them and they only know of one way to celebrate - however, or for whatever reason, they relapse again. And the cycle goes on. But slowly, with people there to pick them up when they fail, to wipe the dirt off their ass and tell them that the world isn't over, they keep trying. And someday down the line, they look back and it's been years since they last fucked up. Some things are going right with life. They've dome some good things. They have a life again, and it is good enough to keep them from turning back to that drug that made their life a combination of hell and peaceful bliss. Normal, clean life is ok enough to deal with. And they keep it up, not looking back.

So, my answer to your question is 'yes', yes your friend can beat an addiction. If it is not so severe, maybe one day they will just stop. But if it is a life-consuming long term addiction, the road to recovery is full of bumps and relapses and fuck-ups and picking yourself up (and hopefully having a friend like you to help pick them up), and just trying and trying, sometimes failing, but in the end finding some way to go on and live a sober life. Some don't - some die from their curse - but most people eventually quit and move on. NA or AA may help, therapy probably helps, finding God or religion may help, a doctor or a friend may help - but the life of an addict is just too hard to keep up. In the end, going sober is easier - but it is a really messy, hard journey - and having someone there who will stand beside them no matter how badly they fuck up is probably the most helpful thing that they can have. So if you care enough about this person to commit a great deal of work and giving without getting anything in return - in fact, often getting screwed over by that person you are trying to help - if you commit to being by them no matter how ugly it gets - you will truly be a life saver. And eventually, that person will thank you for it.
Dx: depression, anxiety, sleep apnea, insomnia, opiate addiction

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Seroquel, Trazadone, Remeron
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Vistiril as needed for anxiety
Paxil, Effexor, Serzone, Lexapro

#17 Guest_buggedaboutdrugs_*

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Posted 06 July 2010 - 05:51 PM

I really need some help with how alone I feel about my loved ones drug use. Snorts heroin - drug of choice. I don't want to give up on us - the best thing that has ever happened to me is us meeting almost 2 yrs ago. This is my very first blog about anything. Is there anyone out there who wants to talk with me?

#18 olga


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Posted 06 July 2010 - 07:20 PM

Bugged, we are a "first person" website. All of us have some form of mental illness, so we are providing peer support to one another, and information about drugs and treatment.

If you have an SO with a drug problem, I would look for a support group for the spouses and families of drug addicts. I am sure Narcotics Anonymous has one, and you could look on line for other groups.

It's not that we don't want to talk to you, but we're not really here to provide support to SOs and families.

Good luck,

I'm bossy, opinionated, and over 60, so be prepared for advice if you post a question. However, I am not a medical professional, so please consult a doctor about your mental health issues and medications.

Be with someone who ruins your lipstick---not your mascara.

#19 Aimin1



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Posted 19 February 2012 - 06:32 PM

Pinhead just wana say about the iboga plant treameant.yes u do hallucenate but usually ur methadone withdrawls will last for weeks but with the plant it cuts ur withdrawls to a few days to a week.and it deals with the cravings too after ur detox.it's meant to be dangerous u wud need somone with u at all time.thers a fella in London who has got alot of people of methadone using the iboga plant.so if nothing else works for you u shud look into it.

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