[crazynotstupid]

(Originally posted by donnareed)

BTW this is from a mishmash of posts.  Hopefully it won't be too confusing once I've shoved 'em all together and ham-handedly edited them...

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I thought that I would merge all the various posts about SI alternatives into one thread and make it a sticky.  (hopefully the merging doesn't result in too many repeats and a sense of incoherence in the thread)

I hope that all of you will add your own personal techniques that have worked, and comments on why, and also comments on what hasn't worked for you and why.

Hopefully we can all find something to help, even if it just helps you through one night... because every day you don't cut is a victory, you know?

so... post away!

[crazynotstupid]

Um, I don't think that this is triggering, but as always, please be careful.

I thought I saw someone post on this, but maybe not. My favourite anti-SI trick is to shred clothing by hand. From scratch - no starting them with scissors. While I have shredded some of my favourite clothes in the heat of the moment (they were handy - I was wearing them), I try to buy t-shirts from worthy causes (greenpeace, IFAW, WWF, etc.) wash them a couple of times (whether or not you wear them is up to you), and then shred them into a million tiny pieces when the urge is strong (the million tiny pieces is important).  Its destructive, its tangible, its satisfying, and it gets the aggression out. But then, I am too wussy to stick my head in a sink full of ice cubes (ice cream headache!). 

If you're not a regular flosser, flossing can also do the trick. But the trick is not to be a regular flosser (otherwise, no blood, and where's the fun in that). Its not so good for expressing the truly nasty stuff though (dental surgery is not cheap). For the truly nasty stuff, some poor t-shirt with a baby seal on it has to be sacrificed.

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I have nothing against baby seals...however, I may go down to the Goodwill store and see if they have any old shirts with old bands or TV stars I don't like.

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what I do is buy cheap note books and take a pen and just scribble as hard and fast as i can and it tears the paper...

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Goodwill!!! What a good idea! I'm just starting to run low on t-shirts from my running and walkathon days (ah, nostagia for the good old days when I ran/walked for good causes, before I became a good cause myself) - I definitely have to check out my local thrift shop when I am feeling a bit more able to leave the house.

The notebook idea is also a good one. And if I used coil bound notebooks, I could rip the coil out, thus giving me a new bendy thing to twist about when I am fidgeting (paper clips are not safe from becoming "bendy art" when I am around).

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I used to shred towels when I was younger.  T-shirts... hmm, now there's something I have in plentiful supply.

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Has anyone had any experiences /success with using a rubber band on the wrist as a substitute for cutting? I guess the idea is to feel the pain of the snap and the repetitive action relieving the urge.

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the snap sort of works as a shock - it's more the suddenness, than the pain. sort of like being slapped. for some people, it can kinda jar the brain back into place. myself, i wear and snap rubberbands constantly as a nervous habit, so it doesn't work for me, but i've known it to work for other people. a lot of it depends upon your particular motivation for injuring.

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i mentioned this somewhere else, but the rubber band thing didn't work for me... but, dunking my head into a sink full of cold water and ice cubes did.  kind of a shock out of dissacoation land thing.  i dunno, worked for me... lemme know if it does for you.

my DBT doc actually reccomended it to me after having a conversation at a confrence with dr. linehan herself (i'm such a linehan groupie) and she said that this was the most effective alternative to SI that she had found for borderlines.

not that it only works for borderlines, of course.

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you know, i remembered that cold water tip you'd given me just the other day, and i mean to try it next time. since i don't generally have the presence of mind to think of alternative options in that situation, i tucked a little note into my sharps kit. 'sink of cold water', it says. i'm interested to see how well it works.

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halation--

i really like the idea of keeping a list alternate ideas in your sharps kit.  at first it seemed odd, but when you are feeling like you need to cut, you most likely aren't going to pull out a list of suggestions, you're going to go to your hiding place, and you would see a note there.  that's such a good idea.

btw.  make sure the water is COLD, ice cubes really help.  has to kinda hurt almost, if that makes sense?

[I find this technique esp helps if you are cutting because of depersonalization, etc. as it helps "shock" you and makes you feel your body in a simmilar way to how cutting is often used to help stop depersonilizing... only cold water is, well, you know, safer.

cold water only showers also work for some people

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This may not work, but I cut myself in the kitchen.  It took off the skin off in an area the size of half a pencil eraster.  And, after three hours it was still bleeding, so I stuck it in salt.  Bleeding stopped.

Worst pain I ever felt. Of course, I haven't given birth.

Maybe a little cut and salt?

Unless salt is toxic like that.

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i've used lemon juice in the past. salt i could see working too. (maybe together, with some tequila!) interesting that the salt stopped the bleeding - cauterised the wound, i suppose? there's a reason surely for the old cliche 'salt in the wound', but i can't see putting salt on a cut doing any longterm damage, although you'd want to clean it well afterwards and care for it properly.

the idea, i think, though, is to avoid any cutting at all. the ideal, at least.

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Yeah, the ideal not to cut.

But I guess I was saying that if you know you're going to, make it small and add salt.  Feels a lot bigger.  Don't know yet whether is does or does not create scars.  And you could always have a salt packet in your purse/pocket.

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if you did it repeatedly on the same wound, it might worsen scarring, but if you cleaned and dressed it properly after, i think additional scarring would be pretty negligible.

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i don't know about the scarring issue with salt.  different people scar so differently.  i kelate, so even when i've had stitches cuts turned into big nasty purple thick monsters.  (it's been a year and a lot are still deep purrple.)  though i got this stuff called cordaran tape from my dermo, and that helps. 

anyway... i was going to say that it is better, in a way, to, um... i guess "get more bang" from each cut rather than make more and larger ones, so in a sense it's probably safer.

but, in general, i think it's preferable to find options to making a new cut that create new behaviors and don't reinforce the habit (/addiction) of cutting.

but i do like the portablilty of the salt packet.

reminds me of how i always carry klonopin.  if it's there, i don't need it, but if i forget it i freak.  maybe just by carrying it and knowing it's there the impulse will be lessened?

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Re the salt.

I saw my doctor for a regular visit yesterday and asked her about using the salt for cuts that don't clot.  (Didn't get into the SI thing)

She didn't seem to think it would be toxic.

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if you cant do the bucket of water thing, holding/squeezing a few ice cubes in your hand is *supposed* to help...

the rubber band thing was actually detramental for me... i ended up doing more damage with it then i would if i just would have cut... but then again, i heal extremely fast with wounds of my own making... because i'm extremely precise... so even deep wounds normally look like scratches in about 24 hours. 
 
i guess its unfortunate for me too, because i dont really have many SI scars.. (except for my spaz-tastic dissasociation scars.. in which i use my fingernails)... blah

[crazynotstupid]

Can you go for a walk? Play really loud music? Call someone? Prop up the cushions from the couch and hit them as hard as you can? It helps to blast eminem (or something equally ridiculous) while hitting them. And scream a lot. Or maybe take a bubble bath. I dunno. Don't cut. It's not worth it. I know that icicle feeling. It sucks. Almost migraine-y but not quite. Like a spiritual migraine. There was a time when I would suggest that you slug down a couple of shots of single malt whiskey. That seems to work in the short term. Anyway, hang in there. Tomorrow will be different.

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Rubberbands snapping them, and pinching yourself, cause pain but no wounds.  If it feels like nothing else is working, try these before reaching for something.

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When I want to cut, but can't for logistical reasons, I usually cut the circulation to my hand or finger off with string or rubber bands. It doesn't even really hurt, it just makes you focus intensely on something physical. Plus if someone catches you in the act, they're just liable to give you a weird look, instead of alerting the authorities. 
    Just don't fall asleep in the middle of it or anything.

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THE best is mild electric shocks from a nine volt battery.  Trying to remember how I used to do it...Lick my finger and touch the end?  Ask a geek friend how to complete the circuit, thinking of a pretext.

If it's just pain you want...well, this is gruesome (and not short-acting).  Must admit I've only done it by accident, but, wipe a little bit of a  powerful muscle rub on your privates.  You won't be able to think of anything else for a LONG time!  It takes very little.  Nothing to embarrass you in the supermarket the next day either. 

Works with your eyes too, but I don't recommend it.

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Oh yes, the pain rub bit!  I have done this to my eyes, when I have forgotten that I still had some on my fingers and rubbed them.

Oooops.

Distracting, indeed.

I have thought of using it on the nether regions as a rather ingenious torture device before...

A good, non harming distraction.  Just keep it to surface areas, none on interior spots.  And...VERY minimal amounts!  That shit burns like a muthafuckah!  You'll cry, you'll scream, you'll beg for mercy!

But, you probably won't cut!

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Wow this is really interesting as I have never shared this kind of shit w/ other people.  Except tdoc.  She said do the rubberband thing but it sucked.  All it did is almost kill my hand from lack of blood circulation.  Last week I made it through my first time w/out cutting in a time when I normally would have.  I was on BP down side freakshow and ready to make some release.  I had my son take all obsidion out of house and take away.  I wrote graphic nasty gory poetry.  I know none of this is like what you guys are suggesting.  I just wanted to share that I actually made it.  I been cutting 15 years this was first time ever important to me to have goal.  That I want to be healthy and no more scars on scars.  Thanx for letting me share~~Sundown

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Sundown, you should be very proud of yourself.  If writing 'graphic nasty gory' poetry is what it takes, do it.  Maybe that idea will help one of us next time.  Congratulations.

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Thank you.  I am sure i could right bloody poetry all day long and it wouldn't work if I was not on the right meds though.  Just thought I should add that is the only reason I made this first step.  Meds.  Sundown

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true.  meds (and therapy) are really important to stopping SI.

BUT...

the gorey poetry suggestion is pretty good.

and...

meds help, but they don't do it all, you know?  you still need coping skills to stop turning to SI in a crisis, because meds make life easier, but they don't stop it.

congrats on making it through that night, by the way!

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You guys should invest in good punching bags...boy, did that ever help me!

As for the 9volt battery...I'm a geek, so I'll try and help with that one. Technically speaking, you could build a pretty simple circuit to do it...but why the hell just not stick the posts on that square, 9volt battery directly on your tongue? I do that all the time to make sure the batteries in my peddles aren't dead before practice. 

After I had two scarification pieces from a certified body artist completed, I haven't really had too much of an urge to hurt myself anymore. It happens on occasion, but I just take a look at the work she did and the urge seems to kinda of drift away. The only difficult part recently has been a voice commanding me to do it...which is probably something I guess I'll just have to learn to deal with. They command me to do a lot of things I just don't feel like doing, so I'm not too worried as I usually don't follow through.

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Umm...ok,

This might sound realy corney, but it's worked for me. Although I am not a constant cutter, since H.S. I have on and off through really emotionally hard times. 
Last summer, I had a complete break-down and ended up in the hospital three times in a one month period. After that, I started to keep sharps in a lilttle wooden box. (This is getting somewhere, I promise.) 
When Autumn Eqinox came around (Iam pagan) I took my box with me to ritual. We had a planned time when we burned things we didn't want in our lives anymore. I burned my box. And made a Promise to Ma (my name for the Goddess) that I wouldnt cut anymore. It kinda gave me a goal, and something to back it with. It's worked so far. 
So far anyhow. The urge is coming back again. Im trying really, really hard to fight it. 
Thanks for all the other suggestions.


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I know I've cross-posted this somewhere else...
but today I bought a 50 lb. heavy bag (boxing), bag gloves, and wraps.

I used to spar a little bit ages ago and always wanted one.  So I figured maybe this would be good for my SI habit (since I'm much more of a hitter/puncher/bruiser).  It worked very well today!  Instead of taking things out on myself (which I've been doing a lot lately), I went out to the garage and hit the bag for a half hour. The urge went away.  Awesome.   

As of right now, it's the best impulsive buy I've had in a long, long time.  Anyone else had luck hitting the bag (or other inanimate objects)?

[LikeMinded]

I've found a few bizarre solutions (many not SI-related at all) to cope with whaleshit syndrome and help prevent more grievous SI.

1.  Canvas art... I recently discovered this.  Mind you, I have no typical artistic abilities (autistic abilities, OTOH.... hehehehe).  Let's just say it involved a canvas, a caustic substance, mechanical lubricant, and one of my favorite antidepressants... FIRE!!!! hehehe  If you reallyreallyreally want to see it, it's here: General Sherman's Canvas

2.  Photography.  If I can capture something simple but beautiful (my preferred mode is macro), it makes me feel all the much better.  Something about the creation and evolution in God's nature, or conversely, man's achievement in machinery and urbanism.  Plus it's a low-energy thing, so I can do that while I'm depressed, as well.  At least half the time, I use photography to convey intense emotion, such as this one, representing loneliness: One Beer as well as this one, made just after I was fired (WARNING,    , does have to do with SI and suicide): Goodbye  You can look elsewhere around that gallery for more of my trashy attempts at art. ;-)

3.  That rubber band thing.  I still think it's another form of SI though, just one less likely to give scars that look unpleasant to other people.

4.  When I'm hypomanic and f'in pissed, I go running.  Put on my super shock-absorbent Nikes and run like hell (I can now run a mile in half the time I could in high school).  Baltimore is warm enough year round that the worst winter weather I have to deal with is generally the low 30s, and that's nothing a gaiter and full track jacket/pants can't fix.  When the weather was more amenable to cycling (and I'm NOT talking about my bipolar cycling), I'd do that.  Climbing Catoctin Mountain in northern VA along the W&OD trail (about 700 feet up, back down, turn around, 700 feet up, back down), on my racing bike, was one of my favorite things to do.  Whole ride was about 30 miles.  Left me tired as hell, which is all the much better.

5.  I wear those Sea-Bands (wristbands with acupressure disks) to control nausea caused by my stomach trying to push through my diaphragm into my lungs.  Might just be a placebo, but worth the try.  I wear the kids' size as I have small wrists... and the extra, almost painful pressure on the appropriate nerve helps me avoid SI.

6.  Sometimes I think my accident-proneness is a form of subconscious SI.  While trying to make aluminum(III)oxide to devise a new paint emulsion for canvas today, I melted the aluminum until it turned red to white and back to red (each cycle is a successive oxidation).  Then I got the bright idea of picking up a tiny chunk of oxide I'd just made.  The melting temperature of the oxide is somewhere close to 1000F.  Not only did I experience a small area of burnination, but the heat was so intense that the wound was instantly cauterized and a small piece of flesh cooked (mmm). 

7.  Computer repairs/upgrades.  For some reason I get off on this.  Especially when my hypomania convinces me to "spend that little extra" ($99 for 1GB interleaved DIMM pair of DDR400 RAM, about $30 in cooling fans... and remember, I'm f'in unemployed!).  My lovely iBook laptop is also getting another 512 MB of RAM as its 3rd birthday present.

Did I mention I talk way the fvck too much????

[cinnpop]

Lets see Ive tried the following:
hitting typewriter keys so hard they broke (then acted like i didnt know why they didnt work)
pulling out my clothes drawers and flinging stuff around
tearing up magazines
scribbling repeatedly on a page till i wear a hole in it
cutting my self
getting a tattoo
getting pierced
fucking excessively
coloring my hair
taking too much acid
sleeping all day and night
biting myself
texting and im people till i drive them away
writing inane poetry
hitting a wall, counter or whatever
hmmmmm might be more but cant think of any
forgot one: burned my finger by lighting a candle and stared at it for awhile before putting it out. then thought about doing it again.
apparantly i have memory problems: using the internet for no reason, looking up absolutely nothing except it might be interesting and i might have some use for it later

This post has been edited by cinnpop: 16 May 2007 - 06:21 PM

[crazynotstupid]

cinnpop, on May 16 2007, 05:16 PM, said:

Lets see Ive tried the following:

cutting my self...

biting myself...

hitting a wall, counter or whatever...

forgot one: burned my finger by lighting a candle and stared at it for awhile before putting it out. then thought about doing it again.

Oooohkay. On a thread for alternatives to SI behaviors...can anyone see any inconsistencies here?

[Maceo]

Rubber bands, bull clips, smoking, chopping firewood. Drinking.

[december_brigette]

guest mostly sane wrote:

Quote

Now it occurs to me to mention niacin flush. Occasional niacin flushes are considered healthy by many but can be dangerous if done wrong, and may be dangerous with certain medical conditions or medications, so it would not be a good idea to do them without consulting a doctor. A flush increases skin sensitivity to the point where a very small amount of stimulation causes a huge amount of sensation. Laying down on an old mattress textured by little fuzz balls feels like laying on a bed of pine needles for me. It will amplify physical sensations for like 15 mins to a half an hour.

SMELLS LIKE SCIENTOLOGY TO ME!!!!!!!

CAPS ON PURPOSE BECAUSE THIS PISSES ME OFF.

DB

[crazynotstupid]

december_brigette, on Mar 16 2008, 12:58 AM, said:

guest mostly sane wrote:

Quote

Now it occurs to me to mention niacin flush. Occasional niacin flushes are considered healthy by many but can be dangerous if done wrong, and may be dangerous with certain medical conditions or medications, so it would not be a good idea to do them without consulting a doctor. A flush increases skin sensitivity to the point where a very small amount of stimulation causes a huge amount of sensation. Laying down on an old mattress textured by little fuzz balls feels like laying on a bed of pine needles for me. It will amplify physical sensations for like 15 mins to a half an hour.

SMELLS LIKE SCIENTOLOGY TO ME!!!!!!!

CAPS ON PURPOSE BECAUSE THIS PISSES ME OFF.

DB

Nah, doesn't look like scientology, more like "vitamins will cure all your ills"--niacin, in particular, is used to cleanse out toxins and cholosterol. Apparently it'll leave you red and itchy.

Either way...just someone shooting their mouth (er, keyboard) off. At least there's been no link spamming, or I'd be pissed off, and we all know what'd happen then...

[specialnotfucked]

i use elastic bands and or red pen. but some times it doesn't work then i hurt any one got any ideas

[AmyElectricity.]

"Worst pain I ever felt. Of course, I haven't given birth. "
LMAO! Love this :')

[shadowlight]

Wrote this in my blog not long ago:





There are many methods that are meant to helpwhen the urge to SI overcomes you, some work, some don't. One way to increase the chances of a distraction/substitution helping calm theurge to harm is to match what you do to how you are feeling at themoment.

First, take a few moments and look behind the urge. What are you feeling? Are you angry? Frustrated? Restless? Sad? Craving the feeling of SI? Depersonalized and unreal or numb? Unfocused?

Next, match the activity to the feeling.





A few examples:




Angry, frustrated, restless

Try something physical and violent, something not directed at a living thing:

- Slash an empty plastic soda bottle or a piece of heavy cardboard or an old shirt or sock.

- Make a soft cloth doll to represent the things you are angry at. Cut and tear it instead of yourself.

- Flatten aluminium cans for recycling, seeing how fast you can go.

- Hit a punching bag.

- Use a pillow to hit a wall, pillow-fight style.

- Rip up an old newspaper or phone book.

- On a sketch or photo of yourself, mark in red ink what you want to do. Cut and tear the picture.

- Make Play-Doh or Sculpey or other clay models and cut or smash them.

- Throw ice into the bathtub or against a brick wall hard enough to shatter it.

- Break sticks.

- Yell at what you are breaking and tell it why you are angry, hurt, upset, etc.

- Crank up the music and dance.

- Clean your room, or your whole house.

- Go for a walk/jog/run.

- Stomp around in heavy shoes.

- Play handball or tennis.

- Scratch/draw a picture on a thick piece of wood or use a screwdriver and stab at a piece of wood.

-Take the item that you are self-injuring with and use it againstsomething else. For example, if you are using a razor blade rip itacross a towel or plastic pop bottle. Sometimes seeing what "can" bedone to an object can make a person think twice about using it onthemselves. Can also give the feeling of "doing it".




Sad, soft, melancholy, depressed, unhappy

Do something slow and soothing:

- Take a hot bath with bath oil or bubbles.

- Curl up under a comforter with hot cocoa and a good book.

- Babying yourself somehow.

- Do whatever makes you feel taken care of and comforted.

- Light sweet smelling incense.

- Listen to soothing music.

- Smooth nice body lotion into the parts of yourself you want to hurt.

- Call a friend and just talk about things that you like.

- Make a tray of special treats and tuck yourself into bed with it and watch TV or read.

- Visit a friend.

-Instead of harming yourself, try massaging the area you want to harmwith massage oils or creams, reminding yourself that you are specialand you deserve to treat yourself and your body with love and respect.




Craving sensation, feeling depersonalized, dissociating, feeling unreal

Do something that creates sharp physical sensation:

-Squeeze ice hard (this really hurts). (Note: Putting ice on a spot youwant to burn gives you a strong painful sensation and leaves a red markafterward, kind of like burning would).

- Put a finger into a frozen food (like ice cream) for a minute.

- Bite into a hot pepper or chew a piece of ginger root.

-Focus on what is real and around you right then. Start lists of thingsaround you in detail i.e. colour, texture, smell, shape, etc.

- Slap a table hard.

- Snap your wrist with a rubber band.

- Take a cold bath.

- Stomp your feet on the ground.

- Focus on how it feels to breathe. Notice the way your chest and stomach move with each breath.




Wanting focus

-Do a task (a computer game like Tetris, or minesweeper, writing acomputer program, needlework, etc.) that is exacting and requires focusand concentration.

- Choose an object in the room. Examine itcarefully and then write as detailed a description of it as you can.Include everything: size, weight, texture, shape, colour, possibleuses, feel, etc.

- Choose a random object, like a paper clip, and try to list 30 different uses, and try to list 30 different uses for it.

- Pick a subject and research it on the web.




Wanting to see blood

- Draw on yourself with a red felt-tip pen.

-Take a small bottle of liquid red food colouring and warm it slightlyby dropping it into a cup of hot water for a few minutes. Uncap thebottle and press its' tip against the place you want to cut. Draw thebottle in a cutting motion while squeezing it slightly to let the foodcolour trickle out.

- Draw on the areas you want to cut using icethat you've made by dropping six or seven drops of red food colour intoeach of the ice-cube trays.

- Paint yourself with red tempera paint.




Wanting to see scars or pick scabs

-Get a henna tattoo kit. You put the henna on as a paste and leave itovernight; the next day you can pick it off as you would a scab and itleaves an orange-red mark behind.

- Another thing that helpssometimes is the fifteen-minute game. Tell yourself that if you stillwant to harm yourself in 15 minutes, you can. When the time is up, seeif you can go another 15.

This post has been edited by shadowlight: 05 February 2010 - 05:12 PM

[Me and Me]

I'm still a cutter, and have very little intention or motivation to stop. But the few times I've forced myself to quit, the best method I've found for replacing SI is excercise.

I'm talking really hard workouts. Not so much weightlifting in a gym, or playing basketball. Tough endurance tests.

--Running until you're ready to vomit, beyond the point of needing to stop, running beyond that point where you think I can't run anymore, I have to stop. Running for an hour, or maybe two, not on a treadmill but on the streets, or better yet, in the countryside. Bring a few friends for a challenge, but be careful of who you bring- don't bring someone who will slow you down a lot. Try to find someone who's just above your fitness level, so that they can push you harder, and then you push them, and so on. Or bring a lot of friends, and make it a fun pack run.

--Swimming until you can barely keep your head above the water. Tread water as long as you can, or run laps in the water, or swim laps as long as you can, and then one more. When you're in the pool, you can't SI- you can't really take anything to burn yourself with, or any sharp objects, and hitting yourself is difficult when you're trying to tread water. Plus, there's the added thrill of high-diving, something frightening that can bring the same rush that SI would. And there's always the bonus of cute lifeguards.

--Biking as far as you can. Imagine yourself racing your fears, your pain, your worries and concerns and anger and stress. Leave it all behind in the wind. Pedal as fast as you can, push yourself up hills, fly down them (which is a heady rush like SI gives you, mixed with traces of fear which are even more thrilling), weave among trees, push yourself to the limit. Go as far as you can in one direction, until you're ready to drop, then head back. Try to finish with a hill, so you aren't exhaugsted and feeling defeated when you finish, and instead can zoom triumphantly to the end.

All of these are great because they A) give you pain, like many seek in SI, and B) give you a 'runner's high', which is a flood of endorphins in response to the pain, exactly like with SI. C) They give you a sense of pride that some seek when they SI, and when done with the right music blasting in your ears (not reccomended during swimming) you get that same dark feeling of power and pride, when you feel like you can take on the world, and win. Not only are all of these great, but D) you get in great shape. Others can admire how devoted to fitness you are, and you can gain a pride of your body that doesn't need to be hidden or shown to a doctor with concern.

[LunaRufina]

Me and Me, on 10 March 2010 - 07:08 PM, said:

...All of these are great because they A) give you pain, like many seek in SI, and B) give you a 'runner's high', which is a flood of endorphins in response to the pain, exactly like with SI. C) They give you a sense of pride that some seek when they SI, and when done with the right music blasting in your ears (not reccomended during swimming) you get that same dark feeling of power and pride, when you feel like you can take on the world, and win. Not only are all of these great, but D) you get in great shape. Others can admire how devoted to fitness you are, and you can gain a pride of your body that doesn't need to be hidden or shown to a doctor with concern.

Replacing one kind of self-abuse with another is not a solution. It's still self-abuse.
I don't think there are many people who "take pride" in cutting themselves. Not honestly.
I think you are romanticizing self-injury.

This isn't acceptable.
You need to stop.
JUST. STOP.