[dummyround]

..

This post has been edited by dummyround: 05 July 2008 - 11:39 PM

[dangergirl]

One, never give up.

Two, yes, yes and if I didn't mention it YES, tell your pdoc about this.

I know you've been struggling...I know your meds are still a bit out of whack and not yet perfect for you...I know what you did last summer - HA!

Seriously...I think someone put the idea in your head and you tried it out...your reply here proves to me (another crazy person), that you don't necessarily like it, but that you are trying to find some sort of answers. I hadn't realized that you'd been sober for only a year - I'm not minimizing your accomplishment - an entire year, well, that's AWESOME...but it's still early to figure out what you need to do to deal with shit so that you don't have to self medicate...especially since it seems that AA is the only thing that was going on in between (no pdocs or tdocs)...I'm also not trying to diminish how wonderful AA can be - it helped my sister tremendously...but I certainly don't think it's going to help an MI person deal with their MI - know what I mean?

I may be wrong (again)...but your world has been spinning out of control for some time...and it seems to me that it's only been the last maybe two months or so (basing that on the time before your hospital stay)...that you've been hitting rock bottom. You need to give yourself some time to heal and let your body and brain get used to the new chemicals you've introduced. It sucks, but yes, it does take a few weeks to settle in to the new "regime" (or should that be regimen??).

I'm sorry that you hated your tdoc...I still feel pretty strongly that a good one would do you a world of good...but again, I'm where I am and you're where you are and one day, we may switch places . I just have a tdoc crush...LOL (it's kinda like a girl crush - it's totally meaningless - nothing will ever happen - except in an alternate universe...which doesn't exist, and I acknowledge my current reality and am quite happy with it - how's that for a mind fuck???).

Hugs to you...and please stop cutting your arm (I ask as your friend) - believe it or not, you can start lifting weights and gain the same feeling of control...I'm sure if you hunt around here, others will provide great alternatives to have that sense of control that SI provides.

Feel better bubelah.

[karuna]

Hi,

I'm similar to you, in that I can use most anything (alochol, benzo's, sex, SI, food) and misuse it to cope if need be. I'm not going to get on your case for doing something in the short term that go you through. But I will point out that in the long term, this is not a route to go down.

If you were cheating and taking 6 mgs, and the pdoc gave you 4 mgs, thinking you were on 1.5 mgs, then you have had a drop. Plus you have had a stressful tdoc appt. You need to make a pdoc appt, tell him and show him to SI (passively hoping he sees under your coat isn't telling, lol) and fess up about the benzo's. Sobriety is one success, a benzo addiction would be a major setback.

[karuna]

My experience of pain has proved there is nothing dog turd wise that could be a better substitute. However I did spend a long time avoiding pain because I had no concept of how it felt (I had never let myself feel it) so maybe how I imagined pain would feel was something I'd rather smoke a dog turd than do.

[scatty]

dummyround, on Feb 27 2008, 12:46 AM, said:

karuna, on Feb 27 2008, 12:39 AM, said:

Hi,

I'm similar to you, in that I can use most anything (alochol, benzo's, sex, SI, food) and misuse it to cope if need be. I'm not going to get on your case for doing something in the short term that go you through. But I will point out that in the long term, this is not a route to go down.

If you were cheating and taking 6 mgs, and the pdoc gave you 4 mgs, thinking you were on 1.5 mgs, then you have had a drop. Plus you have had a stressful tdoc appt. You need to make a pdoc appt, tell him and show him to SI (passively hoping he sees under your coat isn't telling, lol) and fess up about the benzo's. Sobriety is one success, a benzo addiction would be a major setback.

Thamk you Karuna. I would deliberately addict myself to smoking dog turds for a life free of disconsolate emotions. I like life, but not living, if that makes any sense.

I don't know anything about SI, but your last sentence made perfect sense to me.