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Reasons Not to Cut


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#1 tryp

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 11:34 AM

I'm having a hard time thinking of reasons why I shouldn't cut.

I've been sort of mildly-moderately urging for the past week or so. It's not like I have any really strong upset, just low level triggeriness, depression, anxiety, the usual.

I sort of feel like I'm walking on a tightrope and if I accidentally allow myself to have a slightly triggery thought, it'll just spiral. And I feel like cutting would distract my brain and give me some time where I didn't have to be constantly making the effort to blank out my brain and not allow the bad thoughts to come in.

Talked to pdoc about it, but she was pretty useless.

The only reason I can think of is that cutting = being bad, but that's the PTSD brain talking anyway, and I don't really like that reason.

So let's see what we can come up with.

I can think that I shouldn't cut because I might really hurt myself or wind up with scars I have to explain, but then I just tell myself that as long as I keep it shallow and superficial, I won't have a problem.

I don't know - help me think of reasons.

Edited by tryp, 07 June 2009 - 01:26 PM.

Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + "therapy"



#2 jarn

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 12:53 PM

Maybe this is a bad way of looking at it....

But how does cutting make your loved ones feel? Your girlfriend?

Can you not cut for her?



....honestly, I don't even consider myself a cutter anymore though I still have everything to do it, but I don't know. I don't cut anymore b/c I know I can outlast the urge, and I don't cut b/c it would hurt my boyfriend, my brother, my mother. They don't want me to cut.

I can't think of a reason that's just about ME. Would be interested to see what others have as reasons.

I just started....wait 5 minutes, until you cut. Then wait another. And then I started to be able to do. I started to acknowledge my feelings, more or less, and that lessened the need, or let me wait longer and longer.

So maybe....don't cut b/c your feelings are your own and cutting invalidates them, b/c you don't get to learn those feelings and respond to them in a fulsome way if you cut. Cutting might communicate to yourself how you feel about yourself, or about those feelings, but it doesn't really address the feelings, and you deserve to validate yourself and how you feel. In a sense, cutting invalidates you. And that's not fair, that we do that to ourselves. We're not invalid. Our feelings aren't invalid. As my mother always said, though I'm afraid I didn't always listen, feelings are always right. Because they're how you feel.

Current meds: Saphris 25mg, Latuda 40mg, Lamotrigine 250mg, Pristiq 50mg, Ativan 1mg


#3 jarn

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 01:01 PM

We all cut for different reasons. Cutting fulfils different things for us; it fulfilled multiple functions for me.

But I was just thinking - I think a lot of time we cut because we are in a bad situation, or have been a bad situation. Abuse, for instance.

We experienced something that harmed us.

We don't know how to deal with it, so we turn to what we know; harm. Now we harm ourselves.

In many ways, perhaps cutting is simply a recreation of the abuse we experienced. Except now we are the abuser. Maybe this gives us more power, allows us to decide how and when to inflict the abuse.

I think a lot about breaking the cycle; my mother was s.a. by my grandfather. I don't know who did it to me. But I do know that the cycle of abuse stopped with my mother; she was never abusive. I was very lucky in that. My mother is a strong, strong woman.

We need to break our own cycles of abuse. Perhaps it's a matter of saying to yourself; the abusers are wrong, and that includes myself. I will not be abusive.

I would never dream of being abusive to another human, an animal. Why was it, and is it, okay to abuse myself?


....I say as someone who feels that binging has replaced cutting (while it existed beforehand). Now I harm myself through food. And I need to recognize that, step up, and stop. It is years of behaviour, and it won't be easy; I try so hard already. But maybe I need to realize that what I'm doing to myself is abusing myself, and why.

....not a fully formed thought, and not sure it's helpful or not.

Edited by jarn, 05 June 2009 - 01:02 PM.

Current meds: Saphris 25mg, Latuda 40mg, Lamotrigine 250mg, Pristiq 50mg, Ativan 1mg


#4 Artemisia

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 01:02 PM

Well, the most obvious reason not to cut to me would be that there are now some really nasty drug-resistant bacteria that could infect your wounds...

I like jarn's idea of waiting 5 mins. before doing anything.
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#5 tryp

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 02:53 PM

I feel like shit at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent and I generally feel like garbage. Watch Tryp nosedive again. I should be selling tickets.

Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + "therapy"


#6 jarn

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 02:57 PM

I feel like shit at the moment. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more frequent and I generally feel like garbage. Watch Tryp nosedive again. I should be selling tickets.



(((((hugs)))))

Honestly, you are one of the kindest, most welcoming, smartest, coolest people on here. You may not realize it but you're like one of those sunbeams that makes you smile. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Current meds: Saphris 25mg, Latuda 40mg, Lamotrigine 250mg, Pristiq 50mg, Ativan 1mg


#7 tryp

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:05 PM

My brain hurts. All I've eaten today is two spoonfuls of peanut butter and a cup of tea. And I REALLY want to hurt myself so that I'll feel less like crap.

Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + "therapy"


#8 jarn

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:09 PM

My brain hurts. All I've eaten today is two spoonfuls of peanut butter and a cup of tea. And I REALLY want to hurt myself so that I'll feel less like crap.


Mudpuppy will laugh at me b/c I'm always going on about how people should exercise their dogs, it's the best thing ever, but....

Is it a nice day where you are? Can you go for a walk in your neighbourhood? Walk down to the park? The river and watch the birds? Go for a little run if you run? Find a path and walk along it?

Focus on the sensations of being outside. The sun on your skin, the sounds of the city, of the river, of birds, whatever. What plants you see. The flowers. The trees. Maybe take your camera along and take different shots of stuff.

Just something to try to refocus your brain. I know it's hard and doesn't always work but I find sometimes if I can break the obsessiveness (easier said than done) than it really helps me get through that moment - and sometimes it's about winning those little battles.

Current meds: Saphris 25mg, Latuda 40mg, Lamotrigine 250mg, Pristiq 50mg, Ativan 1mg


#9 tryp

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:10 PM

I went out for a little while to pick up my pants from the tailor's. I hate being outside when I'm like this. It's too hot and there are people everywhere.

Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + "therapy"


#10 recoverymouse

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:14 PM

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

I find these 3 lines to help in a wide variety of situations.

Rm


#11 The Emperor

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:29 PM

If you would eat something, I bet the headache would go away. I always get headaches when I don't eat enough. They hurt. Not that this is going to solve the bigger issues, but headaches fucking suck, then maybe once that's taken care of, you'll be able to find something nice to do to make you feel better?

Where's your girlfriend? Can you have her come over and talk to you?

What the docs wrote down about my Crazy: Bipolar II, Some anxiety issue
The pills they give me to fix this shit: Lamictal 175mg, clonazepam 1mg , Trileptal 600mg
Pills that did NOT fix this shit: Sertraline, Buspirone, Mirtazipine, Paroxetine, Gabapentin, Effexor XR, Lorazepam, Cymbalta(twice), Zolpidem, Bupropion XL, Pristiq, Fluoxetine, Vistaril, Lexapro, Celexa, Trazodone, Geodon

Pills that worked well enough but side effects were total shit so I stopped: Abilify, Lithium, valium

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#12 tryp

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:31 PM

Girlfriend's visiting the family, but she'll be back tomorrow night.

It seems like the very worst of it might have passed over - I'm not having incessant suicidal thoughts anymore. This sucks, though.

My mood was right down at like 1 or 2/10 for a couple hours there, but it seems to have gone back to about a three or four.

Edited by tryp, 05 June 2009 - 03:33 PM.

Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + "therapy"


#13 The Emperor

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 03:36 PM

Good that it seems to be going up. Hopefully it will continue in that pattern for you.

Sorry you don't feel good.

What the docs wrote down about my Crazy: Bipolar II, Some anxiety issue
The pills they give me to fix this shit: Lamictal 175mg, clonazepam 1mg , Trileptal 600mg
Pills that did NOT fix this shit: Sertraline, Buspirone, Mirtazipine, Paroxetine, Gabapentin, Effexor XR, Lorazepam, Cymbalta(twice), Zolpidem, Bupropion XL, Pristiq, Fluoxetine, Vistaril, Lexapro, Celexa, Trazodone, Geodon

Pills that worked well enough but side effects were total shit so I stopped: Abilify, Lithium, valium

sun moon stars rain

 

 


#14 Rabbit37

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 04:27 PM

I'm glad to hear your mood has picked up a little. Worried about you, Tryp.

I wish I had words of wisdom to impart. Alas, I am in the same boat as you, and I'm anxiously awaiting more responses. My pdoc is pretty useless too... he says "don't do it". Wow. Isn't that brilliant? <dripping with sarcasm>

I hope your mood continues to stay even, and hopefully goes up a notch or two.
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#15 tryp

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 05:17 PM

This sucks. I wish I had some friends here. Girlfriendo is away, and nobody else is speaking to me.

At the moment, I think the only reason I'm not cutting is because I'm stubborn and because girlfriendo wouldn't like it. I even think those are sucky reasons, but I can't think of any others.

Edited by tryp, 05 June 2009 - 05:20 PM.

Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + "therapy"


#16 lottacrazy

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 05:40 PM

WHat ever reason you can think of not to injure your self is great.

I have had urges to do it, but I try to keep as busy as possible all the time. WHen I have an urge I take a walk, clean, go on CB, what ever I can do.

ANy reason not to do it is a good one.
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#17 fuchsia groan

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 07:26 PM

Oh, Tryp, I'm so sorry this has hit you.

Whatever the reasons are, any reasons that keep you safe are good enough. In fact, I think it's pretty cool that you're keeping yourself from SI for your girlfriend.

Is there anything that might comfort you and take you mind off things? A soak in the tub, an old movie, looking at lolcats?

And I'm not the first to say it, but you are a wonderful person. You may feel like shit right now and be unable to believe this, but you are very intelligent, you've got a good head on your shoulders, most adults aren't as levelheaded and mature as you are at 19, you are generous, you help a lot of people here, you are caring, you are supportive, and you are gracious.

The pain will end. (Just not soon enough.) Hang in there.
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#18 Rude Girl

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Posted 05 June 2009 - 07:29 PM

Don't belittle your stubbornness, tryp. I'm two days away from three months (!) because I'm stubborn as a mule and won't give in. And not hurting yourself for someone else is a good place to start, especially when their caring for you starts to rub off and you think "I don't want to hurt myself" instead of "she doesn't want me to hurt myself".

I agree with lottacrazy--stay busy as much as you can. I like this best when combined with the previous suggestion of waiting for a period of time. I read, play tetris, watch a show on youtube, etc. for 15 minutes. If I can make that 15 minutes, I try for another 15...usually, I know I'm safe when I stop checking the time to see when I'm "allowed" to consider SI again and am absorbed in what I'm doing.

Take care, stay strong! You can do this, I've got faith.
"Sometimes it's gonna hurt
sometimes you're gonna deserve it,
but if you hold on to what you've got
I know you'll keep it steady."
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, "Shake the Sheets"
"...we've come to a conclusion--I think about 90% of the health problems in America come from the fact that we're always trying to act so cool all the time. I think it puts a lot of stress on the heart to try to be cool all the time. And I've discovered that, if you yodel, you can't yodel and be cool at the same time...just let it go, shut your eyes, and don't worry about what the next person is thinking about you, just get crazy...we'll keep speeding it up until we make as many people go insane as we can. I think that's the way to end the wars in the world, when everyone stops trying to act cool!"--Joziah Longo at the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, right in the middle of the singalong bit of "Yodel Song"

#19 blackbird

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Posted 07 June 2009 - 02:04 AM

The more you stay away from SI, the easier it becomes. I'm sorry you're having such a shite time Tryp. You wouldn't know it from the boards and all the brilliant, loving advice you give everyone and the way you have helped me over the past few days when I was having my psychotic wig out.

I am an SIer too but havent SIed since September 2007. I really wanted to last Autumn and Winter. (Autumn and Winter are trigger times for me due to PTSD reasons). The only thing I could do was get through the day each day, day by day and remind myself of the bad effects:

I always need stitches - my hands, legs and arms are mangled with 17 years of SH - it looks completely obvious what I have done.
It upsets everyone around me and I can never keep it to a few scratches, it always ends up in a visit to an emergency room.

If your SI issues are triggered by someone being bad to you in the past, then why should you let that person win by being bad to yourself? You have FAR too much going for you to be dragged down by SI. Nothing positive ever comes of it. You feel better for about a day then you want to do it again and it grows and grows into an uncontrollable monster. It solves nothing.

You are far too precious for SI Tryp, just try and get through the day and wait for the med changes to kick in and see if they make a difference in your mood. I know how bloody awful it is to have that 'cut cut cut' thought in your head all the time.

blackbird x
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#20 nika

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Posted 07 June 2009 - 08:35 AM

Hey Tryp,

I SI too and I have really mixed feelings about it - I can see how it's helpful as a short term coping mechanism, but in the long term I think it screws me over massively. I burnt myself repeatedly on the arm last week and while it helped a little at the time, while I was doing it, it's triggered a bunch of crappy stuff for me this week. There are the obvious things, like that I can't expose my arm in public because it's distressing for everyone else and I don't want to have to explain anything or deal with people putting their noses in it. Then there's the total guilt and the feeling that I did something weak and negative, like I'd taken a massive step backwards. My boyfriend freaked out when he saw what I'd done - he's used to seeing my small-scale injuries, like nicks and burns on my legs, but was totally shocked by my arm, so I feel like I've hurt him and my relationship, as well. Finally, whenever I look at my arm, I get a reminder of how low I felt when I did that and get to deal with a bunch of negative thoughts about it. I've been spending the past week obsessively rubbing in two different types of medical scar and burn creams hoping that the scars won't be too prominent. 

After telling you all that, it seems lame to give advice - I mean, I clearly have a hard time not self-harming at the moment, too. For what it's worth, though, if you feel like you're reaching a crisis point, try to just focus on a minute at a time. Remind yourself to do something positive, even something really basic, like drinking a glass of water. Remind yourself of what you value - like your health and your relationship. Tell yourself that self-harm is counterproductive. Try to think of how you'll feel not immediately after you self-harm but in a few days time when you've got to deal with the aftermath. Do you disassociate when you self-harm? Try and ground yourself, remind yourself of who you are and what you’re doing.

What kind of emotions do you usually feel before you self-harm? Are you angry? Frustrated? Feeling really low? I think different approaches probably help for different moods. If you’re angry, then doing something aggressive that doesn’t involve self-harm might help, going out and just running until you’re really tired and wasted (which sounds lame, but honestly, I think a lot of these suggestions are going to sound lame – the emotions you experience before self-harming are really full on and makes everything else pale into insignificance). If you’re feeling really low, trying to connect with someone who cares about you might help. Can you talk to your girlfriend about this? It blows that your doctor can’t really deal with it. Also, it sounds like we really do have a few things in common. If you ever want to talk, I'd be happy to listen. 

Current delicious cocktail: generic Luvox, Seroquel, generic Valium and the less daunting fish oil.

Former: Citalopram.
Current dx: GAD

Former: social anxiety disorder, depression and some flavour of bipolar, though I think that one was a total joke.






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