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I slipped

#1 darkthorn

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Posts: 275
Joined: 01-February 09

Posted 16 September 2009 - 01:43 AM

I've managed not to do any serious SI lately, because I know it's not helpful in the long run. I'm also very ashamed of the scars I have, and really don't want to have more.

:Trigger:

I'm currently urging to suicide though, and I needed to hurt myself to distract myself from this. I basically started hitting myself really hard. It sounds pathetic when I write it. But I haven't self harmed at all lately, and it feel like a lot. I've probably left bruises. I'm tempted to keep hitting myself until my arm/bone/tendon stays hurting for longer periods of time.

:Trigger:

I really need to distract myself. I wish my housemate was at home, she could probably distract me, or we could go swimming or something. But she's not, and I'm stuck here with the nasty thoughts and internal hurting that want to be externalized.

~ so it's the way things are ~
~ it's not just me ~

dx: depression/anxiety
rx: remeron
ex rx: valium

Take note, the sig has changed. Thank you doc, now this better work!

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#2 Mayteana

Normal is just a setting on the washing machine.

Group: Inmate
Posts: 1624
Joined: 14-December 08

Posted 16 September 2009 - 01:45 AM

Is there anything that you can do without your housemate that might distract you?

~ May

One only needs two tools in life: WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make them stop.___________________
"Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far."
______________________________
When life itself seems lunatic, who knows where madness lies? Perhaps to be too practical is madness. To surrender dreams - this may be madness. To seek treasure where there is only trash. Too much sanity may be madness. And maddest of all, to see life as it is and not as it should be.-Don Quioxite, The Man of La Mancha

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#3 Maxweed

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Posts: 45
Joined: 12-August 09

Posted 16 September 2009 - 01:58 AM

Go swimming on your own. Or do you have a bike? Find a nice big hill. Once you climb it you can coast down. Take a hot shower. It will help relax you.

Hang in there. Don't hurt your self. Please.

What am I doing here?
Trying to figure out my emotional life.

"The degree to which some one can lose their mind is infinite."

Major Depression, Recurrent.
Wellbutrin, Lamictal, Lithium. The doses of which are in flux.
Ex. Cymbalta

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#4 darkthorn

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Posts: 275
Joined: 01-February 09

Posted 16 September 2009 - 01:59 AM

She just got home, which is good. I'm feeling less needy now, which is also good. Still want to, but am not.

~ so it's the way things are ~
~ it's not just me ~

dx: depression/anxiety
rx: remeron
ex rx: valium

Take note, the sig has changed. Thank you doc, now this better work!

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#5 Ophelia

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Posts: 3335
Joined: 25-May 05

Posted 16 September 2009 - 02:35 AM

Take care of yourself. When the urge arises, remember that you can always post here and write about why you want to and the feeling... anything.

Maybe think of an action plan for next time. Come up with things that can distract you. Maybe get some new DVDs (comedy, preferably), that you can break out to attempt to hold your attention.

Be good to yourself.

"Instant gratification takes too long."

: Forum Bore 'Em : Foamy The Squirrel

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Meet the Moderators and Administrators!

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#6 darkthorn

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Posts: 275
Joined: 01-February 09

Posted 16 September 2009 - 03:21 AM

I had a shower, that was kinda nice I guess. And played some free tetris. I had forgotten how simple brain exercises like that are good for distracting.

Still absolutely mad inside, but I don't really know what I'm mad at. I feel trapped. I hate having to deal with IRL people.

It's a possibility the suicidal urges are due to the new meds, and I have to remember that in the long run they will help me. But right now it just feels like normal, depressed suicidal. Which is somewhat an angry suicidal. Where I just hurt myself randomly.

Have been good. Not played with blades. Having them there, and knowing that I won't use them is reassuring. I AM strong enough to have given up cutting. I'm not going to cut. Will be a good Dark, and distract self some more.

Brain is definitely all wonky. Thoughts feel disjointed. This post seems disjointed.

~ so it's the way things are ~
~ it's not just me ~

dx: depression/anxiety
rx: remeron
ex rx: valium

Take note, the sig has changed. Thank you doc, now this better work!

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#7 Rude Girl

Infected with the crazy--when I sneeze, duck.

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Posts: 180
Joined: 07-May 09

Posted 18 October 2009 - 12:49 PM

Tetris! That's my distraction of choice too

I also find a hot drink helps, because they tend to require more effort to put together and are consumed more slowly. I like the idea of showers or baths (only if they're safe for you at the time, of course). I have a friend who drags her nails very quickly over her arms obsessively when she's stressed, and one of the things she does is get pen and a notebook and scribble really hard through the pages at the same speed she would scratch herself at.

Also: do your doctors know you've been feeling suicidal?

"Sometimes it's gonna hurt
sometimes you're gonna deserve it,
but if you hold on to what you've got
I know you'll keep it steady."
Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, "Shake the Sheets"
"...we've come to a conclusion--I think about 90% of the health problems in America come from the fact that we're always trying to act so cool all the time. I think it puts a lot of stress on the heart to try to be cool all the time. And I've discovered that, if you yodel, you can't yodel and be cool at the same time...just let it go, shut your eyes, and don't worry about what the next person is thinking about you, just get crazy...we'll keep speeding it up until we make as many people go insane as we can. I think that's the way to end the wars in the world, when everyone stops trying to act cool!"--Joziah Longo at the Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, right in the middle of the singalong bit of "Yodel Song"