[Mckey]

I am an asshole. I dont mean to be. And generally when I say something "rude" or "insonsiderate" I dont even know I have said something wrong. For instance, I was at a restaurant with my family. And I said something to my brother (I dont even remember what I said) but anyway my brother gets up and leaves. My mom says to me "you hurt his feelings". And I am SHOCKED (as usual when people tell me that). What did I say exactly? And she told me. My brother came back and I asked "did I hurt your feelings". and He said "kind of" and I said "im sorry i dont MEAN to be an asshole".

But this happens all the time. I used to make my mom CRY because I "hurt her feelings". I NEVER understood WHY I "hurt their feelings". And no one is able to explain it to me except "what you said was rude" or "innapropriate" or whatever. I told my mom after one of her cries and I said "I dont get it I dont mean to hurt your feelings I am sorry". Recently she told me "i didnt get that before but I understand it now". Which is good because she hasnt had a crying spell in a while.

I did some research on the web looking for some kind of connection of my assholeness and communication disorders. I didnt find much except I saw a lot of parents and sibblings complain that their X is "rude" and "inconsiderate" (i have been hearing that a lot).

Apparently I am just an asshole. Is anyone here also an asshole? Is there a connection to my communicational fuckedupness and being an asshole?

[r.mcmurphy]

i am not as jammed up as you are Mckey and only rarely fuck someone over verbally. in my world that leads to quick and fast kicks and blows. you don't want to jack your family and friends around, so they gotta get a grip on your "communicational fuckedupedness". ya ever try and explain that shit to your brother like you did your ma?

[pinkiemarie]

If you have autistic tendencies, you're probably not 100% connected to the way that other people are feeling and interpreting what you're doing and saying, and that's probably a lot of what's causing it. Everybody has occasional bouts of "What the hell did I do to piss him/her off so bad?", but for most people it isn't a reoccurring theme.

[Velvet Elvis]

I used get accused of that a lot by my parents, in particular that I was antagonizing my siblings. I've chalked it up to autie stuff.

[beetle]

Mckey, on 06 November 2009 - 10:11 PM, said:

I am an asshole. I dont mean to be. And generally when I say something "rude" or "insonsiderate" I dont even know I have said something wrong. For instance, I was at a restaurant with my family. And I said something to my brother (I dont even remember what I said) but anyway my brother gets up and leaves. My mom says to me "you hurt his feelings". And I am SHOCKED (as usual when people tell me that). What did I say exactly? And she told me. My brother came back and I asked "did I hurt your feelings". and He said "kind of" and I said "im sorry i dont MEAN to be an asshole".

But this happens all the time. I used to make my mom CRY because I "hurt her feelings". I NEVER understood WHY I "hurt their feelings". And no one is able to explain it to me except "what you said was rude" or "innapropriate" or whatever. I told my mom after one of her cries and I said "I dont get it I dont mean to hurt your feelings I am sorry". Recently she told me "i didnt get that before but I understand it now". Which is good because she hasnt had a crying spell in a while.

I did some research on the web looking for some kind of connection of my assholeness and communication disorders. I didnt find much except I saw a lot of parents and sibblings complain that their X is "rude" and "inconsiderate" (i have been hearing that a lot).

Apparently I am just an asshole. Is anyone here also an asshole? Is there a connection to my communicational fuckedupness and being an asshole?

I was talking to my tdoc the other day about the problems I started having with my last job. I don't get a long with people very well. And my boss would say, "it's not what you say, it's how you say it" and he even told me people were intimidated by me. Really? Me, little ol' me? I never understood what he was talking about and didn't know how to change whatever it was they wanted me to change.

After talking to tdoc about this, apparently there are people out there who can't handle communicating with an introverted, impersonal person who doesn't sugar coat everything they say. I'm pretty blunt. Not rude, just blunt. I see no need to dress shit up in flowery language and to make sure my coworkers feel warm and fuzzy. That wasn't my job. My job was building things in the lab. I did that and did it well. But still, the people skills thing caused a problem for me.

Anyway, I still don't know what I need to change or how to change it. It's just how I am. But at least I now know that some people are put off by it. In some ways, I say that's their problem. Something's wrong with them that they need things sugar coated for them. But to get along in the world, apparently you have to be flexible and I can't be how I normally am because it intimidates people. I say it's all a bunch of bullshit.

[Mckey]

Pinkie, I understand for most people dont have this on a reacurring basis. Which makes me thing the whole "communication disorder" thing has some to do with it. And from the sounds of it, it does.

People always accused me of antagonizing. And being intimidating!

And beetle, I usually call bullshit if I am not utterly shocked by the accusations.

I did an asshole thing today, i dont remember exactly what was said (do I ever?), but it was basically this...

person: "i look fat"
me: "yeah"
person: "what?!?"
me: *shocked* "what what?! that was an opinionated statement not a question!"

sigh

[S9]

First, I know it's "just words", but YOU are not an asshole. You very well may behave like an asshole at times (as we all do, regardless of dx), but you are not inherently an asshole. I'm out of my depth with schizo type behaviors other than my experience with my nephew. He can be EXTREMELY direct, blunt, whatever. When he's like that I've had to say, "yanno, nephew, that really hurt my feelings." But I have also learned not to ask said nephew "does my fat ass look big in these jeans." Cuz he is gonna tell the truth.

I'm not so sure I really support or believe in the so-called social graces we are all supposed to conform to. Clearly it's not cool to walk down a busy sidewalk and shout to all how ugly, fat, stupid they are, but in a situation like Beetle's, I've been there and I say FUCK YOU (not to Beetle, btw). If doing my job well and showing up for work everyday isn't good enough that just give me a sign to wear that says, "does not socialize well with humans."

This post has been edited by S9: 08 November 2009 - 08:49 PM

[Mckey]

That post is inspirational S9. Thank you for the rassurance. FUCK YOU should be a respectable motto. Not an innapropriate one.

[nalgas]

I had that happen a lot more when I was younger. I made my sister cry without intending to or knowing why several times when we were kids. I still tend to be pretty direct about things, but I've learned over time what kinds of things people think are ok to say and not (even if I don't agree with the reasoning behind it; I at least understand that some kinds of things upset people even if I don't necessarily see why they're such a big deal). I also don't hang around as much with people who are easily offended, so those things combined have helped.

[Mckey]

My social developement was put on hold from the ages of 12-18 because of severe psychosis. So I am just learning to cope now that I am back on earth. I will take that advice though, because I do need to learn and try different approaches. I am venturing out into the world when it comes to socializing with people in life. So I am getting to normal responses a lot more lately than even the past few years. Experience and practice (the human race as my lab rat) has to count for something.

[reddog]

i kept getting similar reactions when i was younger. one thing that helped me was getting etiquette books and reading etiquette columns. i especially like Miss Manners since she has a gentle sarcasm thing going there. i didnt get into things like formal dinner parties or how to engrave invitations, but i notices a lot of things were about how to politely disagree with someone, or the general category of 'things you shouldn't say to people'.

big example: generally, we're NOT supposed to agree with someone when they say something unflattering about themselves. it falls under the category 'if you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all'. but then, i wondered WHY do people ask these things/make these comments? usually, they are seeking *reassurance* that they don't look bad/are bad people. they feel insecure, and want someone to say something nice to them. 'do i look fat in these pants' = 'i feel insecure about my appearance, reassure me that i look acceptable'.

now, occasionally, people do want honest feedback, so they can *change* the situation...'do i look fat in these pants?' = let me know if i look bad so i can wear different clothes. problem is, there aren't really any cues as to what the person wants, so you have to know the person really well, to know what it is they are REALLY asking. even so, it's better to agree with them tactfully, as in "those pants really don't flatter you. the cut makes your butt look much bigger than it is" (note the pants get blamed here, and they answer isn't a terse 'yes'. terseness/brusqueness is usually not the way to answer. pad it a bit).

what is the CORRECT answer? there is no one size fits all answer. you have to know or analyze the person and the situation.

and now you all know how i manage social situations...i analyze the hell out of the fuckers, set up possible answers in advance (in my head) so when i had an irl life situation, i had a little list of potential good answers all set up and ready to go. then i noted the response after i trotted one out, then later analyzed the reaction and tried to figure out why i got that reaction. yeah, a lot of analysis and thinking. social stuff does not come naturally to me. i've GOT to analyze it. lots of work, but it paid off. i don't get those 'you're so rude/you're so mean/you don't care' responses anywhere near as much as i did.

This post has been edited by reddog: 09 November 2009 - 02:53 PM

[reddog]

and karma bites me hard in the ass...because i was just an asshole to someone, on their own blog. i totally misread something they wrote as being a joke and it wasn't. i'm really embarrassed now because it's so obvious in retrospect.

so you are so not alone in the screwing up socially thing. believe me, i didn't just put my foot in my mouth, i swallowed both legs up to the hips.

[n_a_mood]

S9, on 08 November 2009 - 08:47 PM, said:

just give me a sign to wear that says, "does not socialize well with humans."

LOVE it!

[Velvet Elvis]

If you're selfish and controlling, you're pretty much an asshole. I don't have a problem with the blunt part.