[The Emperor]

My Me Ma (grown up translation= grandma) passed away yesterday at around 5PM.

I'm okay. I hadn't seen her in five years, and didn't manage to make it down there (they live a while away) for five years because I'm a fucking dumbass. Couldn't see her when she was sick because it would freak me out, I'm pretty selfish.

Anyway, I don't know what to do, I'm pretty sad, and had a long period last night where I was very incoherent and thought processing was way down due to all the noise in my head.

Usually when people mourn, they wear black, her favorite color was pink, so I guess I'll go that route. I'll wear it to the funeral(nothing hugely bright or bold, just something simple)

I was disturbed, because they said she woke up once and seemed to be crying.

That bothers me a lot. I try not to think about it to hard, but it makes me think she was scared and wasn't ready to go or something. I know she wasn't vey coherent because they had her on morphine. She was 80.

Anyway, here's some things I never got to tell her:

That I thought she was one of the most fantastic people I ever met in my life, that she taught me one HUGE important thing that's always stuck with me and that is- If someone hurts you, it's not because there's something wrong with YOU, it's because there's something wrong with THEM. So if I've said that to any of you, that's where that came from. That I had to write a paper in highschool on who I admired the most and why and it was her because she is smart, forgiving, caring, consdierate, and took child like joy in many things. To me, and maybe not her children, but to ME, she was a wonderful human being. I missed her these five years, and I'll miss her.

She lost a baby shorty after the baby was born, and another child who died at the age of 40 from breast cancer.

I'd like to think that she went to heaven and got to hold her babies, and I like hearing people say that, but I have no religious beliefs, I don't know what I think, but I love it when someone believes that with all their heart.

It is hard on me, but I'll be okay.

She'll be missed dearly.

The end, and you all don't have to say you're sorry and all that, I wasn't doing this for attention, just for some people to read about what a great woman she was. She was MI too, but great. I loved her.

[olga]

I bet she understood why you couldn't come to see her when she was sick. Grandmothers are really terrific that way. It sounds like she was wonderful to you and you appreciated the attention and love. She accomplished what every grandparent wants: to be remembered lovingly after they are gone.

I'm sorry your Gram died, but it sounds like it was her time to go.

olga

[withing]

Yeah, keep those memories strong - and way to go wearing her favorite color! I'm sure it will be a great tribute to her memory; she sounds like she was a special person.

[beetle]

It sounds like she made quite the good impression on you. That's the stuff you need to remember.

[celestia]

I have read scads of books on death and dying. To help me understand the process better and for whatever other reasons.

Crying at the time of actually expiring does not necessarily mean sadness, pain or anything bad. In fact, this one dude who I have tremendous respect for is a retired hospice nurse and he wrote a book about what he learned from his dying patients. And many of them (too many to be coincidence in my book) reported seeing departed loved ones right before they died. As in, "Oh, Aunt Ruth! I'm so happy to see you!" Maybe your grandmother's tears were of joy. Maybe her departed children came to chaperon her to the departure gate.

I had a really great Grandma and she died 30 something years ago, but I still miss her. I think when the people we leave behind miss us, that's a good legacy.

This post has been edited by S9: 09 November 2009 - 07:27 PM

[beetle]

S9, on 09 November 2009 - 07:26 PM, said:

I have read scads of books on death and dying. To help me understand the process better and for whatever other reasons.

Crying at the time of actually expiring does not necessarily mean sadness, pain or anything bad. In fact, this one dude who I have tremendous respect for is a retired hospice nurse and he wrote a book about what he learned from his dying patients. And many of them (too many to be coincidence in my book) reported seeing departed loved ones right before they died. As in, "Oh, Aunt Ruth! I'm so happy to see you!" Maybe your grandmother's tears were of joy. Maybe her departed children came to chaperon her to the departure gate.

I had a really great Grandma and she died 30 something years ago, but I still miss her. I think when the people we leave behind miss us, that's a good legacy.

Wow. I hadn't thought of it this way. My grandmother dropped in front of me from a massive heart attack and while I screamed for my grandfather and tried to perform CPR she had tears in her eyes. I've always remembered that but hearing your explanation of it sheds a different light. I'm not all that religious or spiritual but it's comforting in a way nonetheless.
*eyes tearing up now*

[The Emperor]

Thanks a lot everyone, you are were so nice, I'm sorry I can't think of anything to say, but I really appreciate it.