[robbobbin]

Copying and pasting my introduction from CrazyMeds-hope no one minds.

I am a 43 yr. old female, work full-time in I.T. tech support-although, currently on intermittent FMLA.

Why am I here? Why not 20 years ago
I'm here because I need the support of feeling not alone in this weird world of pdocs and meds and indescribable feelings.

I have a history of psychological issues-however slight. Diagnosed with OCD about 20 years ago, but should have also been treated more intensely for other problems/feelings. I'm sure I was Bipolar, GAD, depressed...etc, even back then. I think perhaps I've been a little "touched" my whole life.
But I'm crazy now because life went to hell last Dec. 4th, a Thursday. It's been almost a year and in that year I have feel apart.
December 4th I came home from work and found that my husband of 15 yrs had left his safe open. A safe I had NEVER even seen the inside of ever. I felt it was harmless-his privacy and for safety. I could not help but snoop. What I found has changed my life forever, and I thought being cheated on by my first husband was the worse kind of betrayal, but it isn't.

I found nude photos of my daughter, his step-daughter he raised since 6yrs old, and 2 pair of her worn panties. The photos were not taken by him but stolen from my daughter private belonging in her bedroom. That makes it no less an issue in my mind. Daughter is 20 now and hasn't lived at home for a few years.
When he got home I immediately confronted him-he was near speechless and I left him to himself that night and next day went back home to discuss what this really was/meant.
He admitted to stealing the items and using them for self gratification, agreed he was sick and we'd get counseling. We did seek counseling, the first session together but then separate psyches. During our first session I learned little-except he admitted he had done this and it had been going on for many years "a long time".
I continue to see both the pdoc and the psychologist. My husband lost his job due to down sizing and lost his insurance. That same day, he canceled all DR appts. He was also going to SA meetings but once he stopped DR visits he stopped SA meetings also.

I've been a mess-totally. I spent this last spring trying to find a way to stay with him. Anyway/anything that would make it 'ok' for me to stay. Everyone: DRs, family, friends, detectives, coworkers, clergy/minister...everyone said there was no way to stay. I finally went to his dad. He helped the most saying "there isn't anything unforgivable". That helped for a bit. But I could not face being a bad mother and I always said my child came first. Did I mean it or not?
My daughter is hurt to say the least, will barely talk about it and not to anyone but me. Sometimes I think I should not have told her all. We did try to prosecute, after much prodding from me she agreed to see detectives. We were left unable to prosecute, unable to prove age in the picture even though we are sure she was 15 in the picture. No case, so he does not have to pay for his actions-yet.
Feb. 14th I walked into him sitting at the PC with his pants down just enough, and a head shot of my daughter on the screen and he was...
I checked the PC to see what else he had just then been looking at- it included 2 pictures of his barely developed niece, and the unflattering picture of my daughter, plus some girlfriends of the niece.
I still stayed until Aug. 28th.
I rented an appt. in Jan. and Feb. 2009 but did not stay one night there-just wasted the money.
Then rented a house in July 2009 and stayed my first night Aug. 28th. 2009
There are lots of details left out. I hope this back ground hasn't made you stop reading by now.
What it comes down to now is-I'm crazy. not him-ME!

Oct. 10th this year, last month actually, I tried to kill myself. No other words to say it to understand the action. I've wanted to die times before, I thought. But now I know what REALLY wanting it feels like!
After an ugly phone conversation that Sat. morning with my husband, I decided to take a couple extra Ks to make the pain stop/feel better. But then I didn't stop taking them. Didn't think. No note. I didn't think about my daughter-which has always made me in past rough times know I would not kill myself. I did not consider my 2 dogs there with me at the time. I just kept taking the Ks, until my neighbor called to invite me out with her that evening. I causally told her I'd had taken 60 Klonopins, but would be fine by evening. She rushed home. In her drive time I took 20 more. She arrived, took my remaining pills, and had someone bring us some epicat which I faked puking and spit it out 3 times.
The neighbor returned to work saying she would call 30 min. and if no answer...
Well I started taking everything I had as soon as she left. All the wellbutrins (after scrapping coating off) and limictals.
The next thing I remember is waking up in ICU with tubes everywhere. I had been on life support for two days.
Worthless crazy is how I feel. It didn't work and now the world knows my ugliness.

Long story-you've no idea...ok, I guess you do-that's why I'm here right?

I will now post in the appropriate area with my questions and concerns.
Thanks for listening.
I guess I'll be around for awhile



I'm fine with being crazy, it's all I know.
DX-Bipolar II sever rapid cycling, GAD, OCD, and maybe something psychotic-pdoc might be crazy too.
RX-Limictal 200mg, Klonopin 4mg, Wellbutrin 100mg, Trazadone 100mg, Risperdal .50mg

[beetle]

Well, hello and I'm glad you found your way over here. The other site wants to focus only on the meds but here you can talk about anything you want, including the meds. That's why I like it.

I read your whole story but I'm having some concentration problems. But I think I got the gist of it and it sounds like a horrible thing to live with. And you'd be right to leave your husband. I'm not understanding how the nude photos came about in the first place. I didn't understand if he took them or if your daughter took them of herself and he found them. Either way, it's sick and wrong what he did and I would be afraid of him taking things to the next level and actually molesting a child.

I think it's important that you keep you distance from him, at least I would. And if he's looking at and pleasuring himself to photos of other children then something needs to happen. If they're relatives then I think those relatives should be notified...but that's just my opinion.

I know you've got your own crazy to deal with and you might not be in any state to fight this guy and what he's doing.

Like I said....having concentration problems...did you say you've moved out and are living apart from him? I think that would be a good start. It doesn't sound like the counseling he received did anything to stop his behavior. And I really do fear that he would cross the boundary of looking at pictures to actually molesting a child.

I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I'm just saying what I would do in your situation. That's all I can really do. You have to decide for yourself how you're going to handle this situation.

I hope you find the support you're looking for here. There might be someone coming along shortly that has better advice than me. I suck at advice.

I just wanted to welcome you to the boards and let you know that I read your story.

[r.mcmurphy]

you are certainly more than welcome here. although all i have is sorrow that you, your child went through that unspeakable horror, i have nothing to say that would be of help to you. there are women here that can relate because of similar things having gone on in their lives and they will have helpful, constructive things to say to you.
i do want you to distance yourself however you can from suicidal ideation-you have a daughter whom that would crush. if you can get referrals from satisfied patients of some Pdoc or Tdoc, take them and visit these docs please.

[Stacia]

Hi.

Welcome to CB. You'll find support here. There are a number of people who have dealt with abuse of a sexual nature. Perhaps someone actively posting is dealing with a similar situation. Even if not, there are others who have dealt with enough that you should find understanding.

Did you know that the majority of child sexual abuse (CSA) is committed by immediate family, relatives or close family friends? The partner is so often in the dark. I mean, any healthy relationship includes space and some privacy. It is a tragedy when that personal time is abused, a real undermining of the partners judgment and sense BUT that is psychological damage and not necessarily any reflection on the quality of parenting of the spouse. Hopefully, you find a way to forgive yourself, especially since you are not the one who did the wrong and can't possibly be all knowing.

There is a public PTSD and Trauma board as well as a private one. Much discussion on abuse is posted on these boards. Feel free to PM a Moderator or Administrator if you'd like access to the private board, or if you have questions about anything, really.

We only have a few rules here. When you get a chance, take a peek at The Rules. This is something we ask all new users.

[vanderk]

Welcome. I am the disembodied voice that routed you here. I trust you'll find an audience more attuned to your immediate needs. You're coming up on a critical anniversary date and you are going to need to be clear-minded. Hopefully, the ICU haze is clearing. Your life has taken a major turn, not entirely of your choosing. Now is when you can start to dictate the direction(s). I'm glad to hear that you are still in treatment and I hope that your participation here can augment it.

Your neighbor to the north

[AirMarshall]

Welcome, welcome!

Feel free to post. If you have any questions PM any of the mods. We have a live chat as well.

Whatever has happened in the past, don't give up on yourself. Things will get better.

Best, am.

[robbobbin]

wow-thank you all so much. I cried my way through all the replies that came in the 1 hr lunch I just took.

Beetle- I certainly understand concentration problems.
-the pictures were taken by my daughters boyfriend at the time and when she broke up with him she took them with her. They were hidden in behind other photos in her photo album in her bedroom.
As for keeping a distance, as soon as I moved out the end of August this year, I started begging and trying to talk him into working it out and me coming back at the end of my year lease. Can you believe that-I do hate myself for still loving him or atleast thinking I can't be without him. I still want to go back but now I realize it because I want my home, gardens, chickens, community, family-BACK not him.
thank you again Beetle-

mcmurphy- thanks for your kindness

Stacia- I was aware of the statistics of CSA somewhat, and now understand how you can really and truly not know it's happening. My daughter didn't even know.
And you don't know how bad I want him on the sexual offenders list, but see no way...
Thank you for suggestions on groups to seek. I really needed that.

vanderk
thank you!!
even though it made me cry-that's something that happens anyway.
thank you!!

I am very grateful to have found you all/this board

[Heatherta7]

Welcome to CB! I just wanted to say hello and keep coming back to the boards. We are always here. And though we might not always have advice or know what to say, please know we are here listening to you. Also, you ARE important to others especially your daughter and your dogs. Please know that they love you and need you. I agree with McMurphy I also want you to distance yourself from suicidal ideation. If you ever need an ear to listen to you, we are here. Again, welcome!

Heather

[liveoak]

I can't concentrate enough to read everything you said, but wanted to welcome you to the boards.

[bluelikejazz]

I read it, and I'm sad for you too.
I'm glad you survived that attempt, and I'm really glad you found CB. Welcome

[meg]

I'm glad you found us-- you've been through a lot and I'm glad that you are comfortable sharing here, these are some great people.
hang in there,
m

[SashaSue]

Stacia, on 20 November 2009 - 11:39 AM, said:

There is a public PTSD and Trauma board as well as a private one. Much discussion on abuse is posted on these boards. Feel free to PM a Moderator or Administrator if you'd like access to the private board, or if you have questions about anything, really.

I believe all members have access to the private PTSD board. It's just private from any nonmembers who might be checking out the site.

And Welcome Robin, I hope we're able to help.

[Stars]

I read your post and am so glad you are here. You are very brave and may not realize it. It takes guts to post what you did. I am so proud of you .
I know how it feels to have so little self esteem that I would stay with someone who is hurting me and others. I know you are probably aware of this but sexual offenders have a very low rate of recovery. That does not mean they can't recover but since he isn't being held accountable for his behavior - well that says a lot.
You have to take care of yourself now . Just focus on that.
Many of us have had sexual abuse in various forms so we all know how hard it was to post .
welcome and consider journaling to aide in your recovery.
Stars