[Persephone]

After a year of unrelentless, intractable, suicdal depression and 10 different combinations of meds, my pdoc recommended ECT. He didn't just recommend it; he said if he were in my position, he'd have it.

This scares the shit out of me, but I see his point. There is only so much longer I can take thinking about detailed ways to kill myself multiple times a day. I'm pretty non-functional and can't stand living the way I do anymore. The guilt and despair are overwhelming.

Within days, I got an evaluation - it will happen later today. It actually will be several weeks to get everything done because I live in a state where getting ECT is extremely difficult and requires 3 pdocs to sign off on it. I'm really nervous.

I feel like a failure for getting to this point - if only I had worked harder in therapy (I've been going off and on for years with multiple tdocs)/exercised more/got more sunlight/etc.

I just hope this is right decision.

[§am]

I only know what I've been told by my pdoc. I've never spoken to anyone who's had it done nor have I done any personal research on it -

My pdoc highly recommends ECT. He does leave it as a last resort as it is so extreme, but he did tell me it was an option I could consider. But since we've had this discussion, I've made some improvement with a new cocktail. Anyways, he said there would be some short-term memory loss but that's about it. He says it's a 'fresh start,' so to speak.

Now I'm sure there's a lot of information on this board about ECT that I haven't read. There may even be a lot of negative aspects to it but I'm not aware of them. Most importantly, do not consider yourself a failure. You simply need some fine-tuning. There's nothing wrong with that and you've done nothing to cause it. Just from what I've read here, and from the very little I know about ECT, I'd be excited! Nervous yeah, but how exciting to know there's yet another option for you and you may very well not be stuck in this rut forever.

I'm new - so hi lol - but I'm not new to MI by any stretch. I wish you good stuff .

[Stacia]

Aw Persephone, you are not a failure. It's not possible to be one simply because an illness progresses. Really. You've done all you could, more than many would be able. I think you are pretty damn strong to make it this far and even more so for considering ECT. My uncle had ECT, so you know. It work well enough for him to go back for more when his depression returned years later. After that, meds were all he needed.

I hope everything goes smoothly for you in getting approvals. It probably will. You deserve good treatment.

[Emettman]

Persephone, on 19 February 2010 - 09:59 AM, said:

...This scares the shit out of me, but I see his point...
...I feel like a failure for getting to this point... I just hope this is right decision.

Best wishes for you. I am not quite you, but I am in a similar position and have come to a similar conclusion.

I'm waiting for an assessment appointment for ECT, but after 25+ years juggling medication,and a range of talk therapies, I think it has to be worth a try, even if it does seem rather a "last ditch" thing.
And thus there is a blowback from just admitting things are this bad, as well as the contemplation (which I'm trying to avoid), of "what's left if it doesn't work?"

My research still leaves it somewhat scary, but the situation seems better than in previous years, especially for the unilateral treatment which seems the norm here in the UK for initial sessions. And for you and I the "What's the alternative?" question is quite pointed.

My main questions are going to be over practicalilities (as I live alone), and what support will be available afterwards. I'll need some, ECT working or not.

[Persephone]

No kidding Emettman - I've done some obsessive research and it is scary, but seems much better today than in previous years. You're in the UK, right? That's horrible of having to wait so long for assessment. I literally saw my pdoc on this Tuesday and had an appointment in days. I'm almost more scared of it not working than the memory loss.

Stacia and Sam (I don't know how to make the symbol in your name, but nice to meet you), thanks so much for the support. As much as I talk, this has actually been a very easy decision to make. Meds obviously don't work and my life is a total disaster. It's time to try something different, as drastic as it might be.

I have to leave in about 15 minutes. Ironically I've been more productive this morning than I've been in weeks because I can't stand to sit around and wait . I'll let you know how it goes.

[Mayteana]

Persephone, on 19 February 2010 - 09:59 AM, said:

I feel like a failure for getting to this point - if only I had worked harder in therapy (I've been going off and on for years with multiple tdocs)/exercised more/got more sunlight/etc.

Please don't. It's to your credit that you're still working this hard to get the MI under control.

You deserve a chance at... a life. Keep us posted about what happens.

~ May




Also, I'm moving this topic to the ECT board.

[Emettman]

Persephone, on 19 February 2010 - 01:57 PM, said:

No kidding Emettman - I've done some obsessive research and it is scary, but seems much better today than in previous years. You're in the UK, right? That's horrible of having to wait so long for assessment.

It's only been a week or so, so far, and I'm not at emergency point: I can keep going as long as I want to.
It's the wanting to that's in short supply, but given something in prospect I can promise to be there for it.
And in the UK I don't have to worry about cost or insurance.

Quote

I literally saw my pdoc on this Tuesday and had an appointment in days. I'm almost more scared of it not working than the memory loss.

There is that... but one takes the best chance one can see. (along with advice on that!)

Quote

I have to leave in about 15 minutes. ... I'll let you know how it goes.

Do! Good luck!
Chris.

[sylvan]

I've had ECTs. When you get to the point that the doctors are recommending ECTs, you're to the point where it sure isn't going to hurt to give them a try. They saved my life. Yeah, my memory isn't what it used to be but I'm alive. My kids have their mom back. My husband has his wife back. Most importantly, I have ME back. I hope to never find myself in that situation again but if I do, I'd do ECTs again.

Best of luck with your treatments. If you have a headache, speak up.

sylvan

[Persephone]

Well, it wasn't bad. He says he never sugar-coats the truth and really answered all my questions (and if I think of anymore, I have to talk to another pdoc next week to get the third sign-off). He said 100% of the time there is memory loss, but he has been doing ECT for 35 years and there is only a handful of people that have truly had problems. And by problems, he means like nurses who had to take a class to remember how to do a specialized procedure again - not 20 years of memory wiped out. He will also never perform it if he thinks there is a less than 51% chance you will respond. Most people he lets through screening have a significantly better chance than that.

On the plus side, he said my problem is clearly a mood disorder (my dx is MDD but he thinks I have hints of BP) which is reponsive to ECT, but not substance abuse, an anxiety disorder, or a personality disorder, which are not. On the minus side, I've been pretty chronically depressed throughout my entire life. I guess it works better for people who suddenly wake up one day depressed. My age is also a concern (I'm in my late 20s) - he rarely does ECT for someone that young.

He actually thinks it is a good thing I haven't been on every drug in existence yet, so there is somewhere to go if ECT doesn't work out.

Overall, it was pretty good news. I haven't officially scheduled yet, but I'm going to try to get started 3 weeks from Monday. Sounds very quick, but I'm sure time will pass really slowly.

[spork]

Please, you are not a failure. Depression is making you think that.

I found this little bit of information for you. I hope it helps.

Surgeon and author, Sherwin Nuland, recovered from severe depresion after receiving ECT. Nuland's bio on TED
On the bio page, there's a link to a talk he gave at TED on ECT--its history and his own experience. If you don't have time for the full 22:18 minute video, at about 7:00 he starts giving his moving personal story.

And here's a video from the Mayo Clinic. One woman's story with ECT... Mayo Clinic video

spork

This post has been edited by spork: 23 February 2010 - 07:31 AM

[Persephone]

Spork, I have seen the Sherwin Nuland video and it is one of the most inspiring things I have ever seen. Thanks for passing it along. Seriously, everybody should watch that, whether you are considering ECT or not.

[Stacia]

Hey Perephone. I wish you the best of luck.

If you are inclined, feel free to start a thread on your experience. It might gain you support while receiving treatment and also be useful for others considering ECT.

[spork]

Persephone, on 24 February 2010 - 12:22 PM, said:

Spork, I have seen the Sherwin Nuland video and it is one of the most inspiring things I have ever seen. Thanks for passing it along. Seriously, everybody should watch that, whether you are considering ECT or not.

I too found Nuland's talk very inspiring. I'll be thinking of you, Persephone. Good luck!!

Oh, and I second what Stacia said today at 9:56am. If you are so inclined...