[Rabbit Ztu]

MIL seems pretty certain that our family will be traveling 20 or so hours to a wedding this fall. I understand that it's very important to her, but think it's unrealistic to expect. The timing is pretty bad for me/us, as we'll have a 1 and a half month old baby and a 2 year old and I will either be adjusting to meds or off them b/c of breastfeeding. I don't think I can do it. Post-partum was really bad for me with DC #1. Being bipolar, unmedicated, post-partum, long trip with little ones either by air (dear god!) or car... I see it a a recipe for disaster. Even if I was a normal mom without bipolar, I'd be thinking it was a little much to go. We traveled about 14 hours when DC was 4 months. It wasn't pretty because I was a PPD-bipolar mess. MIL insisted we stay in a really crappy airport hotel and I was skeeved out by having my baby in a filthy place AND pissed b/c DH won't say no to MIL, who is pretty controlling. (Side note: He reverts to being 12 around her. When we travel with or visit his parents, she makes all the plans but doesn't tell us what they are. We're told where and when to be somewhere, but no other details. We're supposed to follow along like obedient children. When SIL and I have attempted to be a part of the planning, MIL, FIL and our DH's get upset because we're bucking family dynamcis. When it comes to planning for and around my kids, I'm going to have a say. MIL is grandma, not God. I don't feel like dealing with this nonsense on my best day - I'm not doing it postpartum.)

So the problem is me and I feel selfish and guilty. I believe kids are portable and am comfortable breastfeeding wherever, but MIL is not cool with it, and that makes it even more of a PITA to go so far with a newborn. She expects me to be completely hidden from the family and the world when I'm BFing. How easy would that be at a wedding and reception? How realisitic is it to travel with little ones for a 20 minute ceremony and party boat reception they can't attend? Am I supposed to sit in a hotel room with two little ones while DH goes to the reception just so MIL can have us down there? I like DH's family. I'm disappointed to miss the wedding, but see going as a really, really bad idea. We've seen how ugly it gets post-partum. If DH does his usual 180 and goes along with MIL's directive, he's probably going alone.

Before we found out we are expecting, we committed to go on my family's trip close to where most of DH's family live. If we go, the baby will be a little over four months. We've changed our plans to 'tentative', but so far we are planning to go. I feel more comfortable going further away from delivery date and with more time to have adjusted to meds after pregnancy. I feel like making time to see DH's family then would be a good compromise. Am I being selfish here? Should I just suck it up and go? TIA if you made it this far in my venting and for any feedback.

[karuna]

I think you've laid out some sensible reasons why going would be pretty unpleasant for to you all as a family. I think you're perfectly justified in not going.

[celestia]

Quote

MIL is grandma, not God.

Well said, and very true.

Wow. I would be inclined to have a serious heart to heart with my husband if I were you. Of course seeing them when you go see your family is reasonable. It's beyond reasonable. Four months post-partum is still not enough time, imo. AND a toddler in tow? I flew with my 2 year old at one point and that was a nightmare. I can't imagine traveling 20 hours, in a car, with a toddler.

[koali777]

Gah bloody hell, that sounds AWFUL. I am sorry I wouldn't go if I were you. Even if you were completely healthy and had no kids at all, your MIL sounds like a controlling bitch and I wouldn't want to be around her anyway.

[olga]

The problem is not with your MIL---it's with your husband. He has to man up and talk to his mother and lay down the law:
1) We will come to visit when the children are old enough to make that long trip comfortably.
2) My wife breastfeeds. That is the best thing for babies and we aren't compromising on that. If YOU are uncomfortable with it, leave the room.
3) This is MY family. My wife and my kids and I are a family and we operate as a unit. You are not the boss of us, and we will do what's best for the adults and kids in our nuclear family.
4) If you don't make my wife feel welcome and comfortable when we come to visit, you will see us less often.

Hubby has to grow a pair and talk to his mother. This is his problem, not yours. I wouldn't budge from my house with those two babies until he has made things clear to her.

olga

[with.scars.on.her.skin]

No way in HELL would I make a trip like that--even non-breastfeeding, non-PPD. 20 hours with a newborn and a 2 year old is my idea of hell. Hell, my oldest is 6 and my youngest is going to be 1 in May with 3 rugrats in between and I wouldn't take them on a 20 hour drive if my life depended on it. Your MIL needs to back off and your husband needs to grow a pair. (Sorry, I'm in a really blunt mood today!)

[Stickler]

You can't control him, but you can control you, and you have veto power about where the kids go. Tell him he's going by himself. Don't be impolite about it of course, but if they try to argue, just politely say, 'No, I can't go, and the children are going to stay here with me.' As many times as it takes to get that point across, no matter how verbally abusive or guilt-trippy either the hubby or The Battleaxe get.

Do send a nice wedding present, a very nice card, and a letter, expressing your sincere regrets, but you feel the health of your newborn has to come first-or whatever other really good excuse you can think of.

This post has been edited by Stickler: 19 March 2010 - 06:01 PM

[Raquin]

You are TOTALLY justified in not going. Trust me, 99% of the people there would understabd (1% being MIL). Are you close to SIL at all? Can you talk to her about this and maybe see if the two of you can talk to DH?