Posted 23 December 2010 - 01:06 AM
[quote name='hue' timestamp='1293080847' post='450949']
[quote name='itsbrendawalsh' timestamp='1279038529' post='420424']
My very good friend committed suicide two years ago. Ever since then, I have been obsessed with the idea of causing other people to do the same.
Sometimes I walk the streets just waiting for someone to make one wrong move...maybe they'll not see me crossing the street in front of their car and inch forward a bit (this is a HUGE trigger) and I'll start screaming at them like an insane person...insulting their shitty car, calling them fat or ugly...whatever negative I can see that they might be self conscious about. It can be as simple as a person bumping into me at the wrong moment. I don't necessarily need provocation at all. I might just be in a mood and decide to inform somebody that she is a disgusting fat pig. (I have a lot of hatred for overweight people). As long as I think I can stay anonymous, nothing gives me bigger thrills than really sticking it to somebody good. In my imagination, my words hurt them deeply. It ruins their day. My words stick with them because they think "why would a stranger with no motive say such things if they aren't true?" And then hopefully, down the line, my insults are powerful enough to push them to self hate and ultimately suicide.
Could I possibly be a bigger asshole?
I can't stop! I just want other people to be miserable like me. If somebody who I loved could feel so much pain that they ended their own life, these other people...whose lives I simply don't value at the point, ought to suffer in the same way.
I think this is a little different than what you are describing because I hear that the rest of you feel anxiety at the thought of hurting another person. I only wish I had more opportunities to hurt. I only wish that I was quicker, smarter and more convincing. I wish people would fuck with me more often so that I could get out my feelings of rage.
Do you mainly feel like hurting strangers or people you know?
I usually get my aggression out on strangers because I don't have to feel badly for them. I also don't need to worry about being punished for my behavior as long as nobody recognizes me. That being said, there are a few individuals that have become such a focus of my hatred that I'd even want to be recognized as having scarred them for life. I couldn't hurt them badly enough. They deserve every ounce of meanness that I've got in me. If only I could assure that I wouldn't be sued or otherwise held accountable...
I know at the bottom of this compulsion is just a pathetic and deeply hurt little girl who lacks the power to control her own life, let alone those of others. But I can't stop my thoughts. That's OCD.
I've been kicked out of suicide chat rooms for trying to goad people into "going for it." This is not just a fantasy. I assume that I would feel badly if anyone listened to my advice and decided to snuff it. Well, most people, anyway...i think..........
I have never really felt the urge to hit or otherwise physically harm another person myself. Bruises heal. I want to destroy someone's life.
I think what I'm experiencing is a combination of my personality disorder and OCD. The feelings might be there because of borderline personality disorder, but the OCD drives me to act.
Anyway, the big big big picture is that my OCD is very focused on death...my own death and that of others. I can't sleep at night sometimes unless I've watched a graphic documentary on some atrocity. Death is at the ultimate end of pretty much every trail of thought that I have.
I wish I had some insight or advice to share about this topic, but OCD seems to be the biggest and worst facet of my mental illness. Whenever I make progress with one compulsion, I find that I'm over my head in another and didn't even see it coming. This latest one is just sick. Why can't I just be obsessive about cleaning house? Why can't I just be satisfied to step over the cracks on the sidewalk? Why can't my OCD be useful or simply quirky? Am I going to die from this?
I feel completely helpless
Dear brendelwalsh, this is all OCD, I have read your symptoms and what you feel like and maybe the thoughts of oh that person really deserves 'such and such' are feelings that you think to get off your rage which may not be caused but might just be there, but the actions are all plainly OCD. You're not an asshole, you're just upset and OCDish, I also have OCD. i think what you need and I mean this literally, is either someone to talk to, or a therapist, (a stranger that you don't know, or someone you're comfortable talking to, someone who you look at as older and smarter to some extent). You're not hopeless, the answer is to remind yourself that the less you think of yourself in a bad way, because you're not, the actions will go away. Bear with me, please.