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What do your mixed states feel like?


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#1 beetroot

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Posted 09 August 2011 - 10:56 PM

What do your mixed states feel like? How often do you experience them and how do you manage them (other than medication)?




#2 Another bipolar bear

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 01:16 AM

Not sure how many i have had or how often but i had a really bad one which i was told was mixed episode back in March and April of this year, which i was the first time a tdoc or pdoc saw it and was able to tell me what it was, it lasted just over a month.

It felt like: Pure Hell!

I had heaps of energy, was obsessive about losing weight and would spend 4 or 5 hours exercising daily, obessive about my appearance and my hygiene.
I went crazy in spending and "the man" telling me about my future and was telling me i need propare to a major event but wouldn't say what, we had just had an earthquake so i thourght that was what he was talking about so i went out and spent thousands on a survival kit, complete with a mega first aid kit and a get away kit, and read up on first aid, did a course in first aid and was as ready as i could possibly for a earthquake, along with "the man" telling me i saw flashes of visions of blood, loads of blood, blood smell on my hands and this overwhelming fear. "the man" told me that someone was going to come into my home and hurt me, over time he gave me more and more information on what was going to happen to me, all coded of course, confusing for me, as if it was an earthquake why would some stranger come into my house, the earthquake thing no longer made sense, over 5 months later i now know what is going to happen to me and i can tell you it is freaky.
I would get rage come over me caused by nothing, and then would cry and breakdown, even in public, leaving my bf bewailed, and embarssed but i couldn't help it, i would get very irritable, agitated and acted on impose, running away etc. My mind would race so fast and i couldn't think straight or on the same topic long enough to write anything down or stay on topic while talking. I wanted to die, I was down with it all and at the tie i didn't know what was happening to me. I went to see my tdoc and she said its a mixed mood.

It is the worse mood episode i have even been through, as i just couldn't function properly.

Schizoaffective Disorder (Bipolar type), Complex - Post Traumatic Stress Disorder , Anxiety Disorder NOS


Lithium 1000mg , (Abilify) Aripiprazole 20mg, (Zyprexa) Olanazpaine 5mg PRN



“When you are mad, mad like this, you don't know it. Reality is what you see. When what you see shifts, departing from anyone else's reality, it's still reality to you.”
Marya Honrnbacher


#3 DarkendHour

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 02:08 AM

I have two sorts of mixed states...

One is heavy on mania with some depression, this type isn't to bad it just kinda feels like coming down from a high mania but it lasts longer than just dropping from one (if that makes any sense). I hardly every have this type. (besides medication) I just ride this type out when it happens.

The other is Heavy on Depression with a mix of Mania... This is complete hell for me. Its like depression is hating life and mixed is hating life and having mass amounts of energy to do something about it. The 3 times I've been hospitalized for MI has been during this type of mixed state. For me the only way this state is finished is with quick med adjustments or being hospitalized while they adjust (or start) the meds while keeping me safe.

I know you asked for "other than medication" so I hope others come along that can answer that part.
Dx - depends on who you ask. Schizoaffective Bipolar type -or- Paranoid Schizophrenic. Some times PTSD or Generalized Anxiety, again depends on the person you ask.

Rx - Burpropion HCL XL (generic for Wellbutrin XL) 150mg 2xday, Perphenazine (Generic for Trilafon) 4mg 2xday


#4 crtclms

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 02:14 AM

It is awful. Very, very awful. Full of rage, weepy, enervated, thinking totally twisted by whatever crap was going on in my head, screaming, throwing and breaking things, hysterical, and unsootheable (if that is a word). Plus little outbursts of physical frenzy, like a mini-tantrum without words, to burn energy, I guess. The closest I have come to SI, which in my case consisted of slapping my head and face, and chewing on my forearm. Tasty.

The only thing that worked were meds. One time, I had a new p-doc, and he caught the tail end of it, and was able to control it with just benzos. This time I needed an AAP. Have you heard my paean to Risperdal, yet? Lovely, lovely Risperdal. Now I just have to hope it doesn't kill my pancreas.

Dx: Bipolar 1; GAD; Migraine w/ Aura; Migraine w/o Aura; Renal Tubular Acidosis (caused by Zonegran); Status Migrainosus
Rx: Alprazolam; Botox; Buproprion; Dihydroergotomine via IV Infusion; Flexeril; Lamotrigine; Latuda; Lithium; Metoclopramide; Midrin; Migranal; Potassium Citrate; Prilosec; Promethazine; Riboflavin; Tizanidine; Verapamil; Vitamin D3
Currently Shelved: Abilify; Amerge; Anaprox; Atenolol; Buspar; Cafergot; Cymbalta; Depakote; Di-Hydro-ergotamine, injected; Gabapentin; Geodon; Imitrex Tablets; Klonopin; Maxalt; Namenda; Nortriptyline; Norvasc; Propranolol; Prozac; Risperidone; Relpax; Sansert; Sumatriptan injectables; Tegretol; Trazadone; Zoloft; Zolpidem; Zomig; Zonegran


Affectations can be dangerous. -Gertrude Stein

 

I moderate Bipolar, Panic/Anxiety, Dissociative Disorders, Migraine, Seizures, Not Otherwise Specified, Anticonvulsants, Side Effects, Family Feud, and I Still Have Issues. Remember, I am not a medical professional. PM me if you have any questions


#5 Guest_Vapourware_*

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 02:49 AM

I've had at least one mixed state from memory. There could have been more, not too sure. Anyways, my mixed state was, like everyone else's, pretty hellish. I had racing thoughts, insomnia, agitation, and I was also severely depressed to the point where I was planning my suicide, thinking of how I was going to give away my items and I was writing letters to people. Eventually, I did attempt suicide.

Back then, I was misdiagnosed with MDD, so no-one knew I was in a mixed state. Looking back, I believe my mixed state was partly brought upon by Aurorix, which is MAOI. Once I was taken off Aurorix, I began to recover but it still took another few weeks before I finally cycled out. I was also put on Zoloft, which may or may not have helped me, but I don't know because I was only on it for a few weeks.

#6 LilacOutsideMyWindow

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 07:50 AM

For me, the only thing that has really helped has been meds, an AAP (abilify for me) in particular.

As for what it's like - I get full of rage. At myself, at D, at the world. I pick fights with D - some silly little thing will have me flying off the handle, screaming, raging until I fall into a pile of tears of self-loathing. I throw things. I crave the sounds of something breaking - oh, for that, there is something that helps! Instead of breaking glass, I can throw ice cubes into our sink. Lovely loud breaking sound, nothing to clean up. Thankfully, I haven't had to do that since going back on Abilify. What else? I can't sleep, but I'm also too upset at everything to do anything worth while. I'll spend hours furiously cleaning the grout in the bathroom, while neglecting to make dinner. I'm sure there's more, but you get the gist.
Hell, I just want to live happily ever after every now and then - Jimmy Buffet

Dx: Nov '09 = BPI (years before GAD, '08 PMDD)
Rx: Lamotrigine 200mg, Abilify 5mg, Pristiq 100mg, Warfarin (dose varies)
Other stuff: D3

Previous Rx: Zyprexa, Seroquel, Trileptal, Diltiazem (for chest pain)

#7 CrazyCatLady

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 10:11 AM

Mine lean over to the depressive side. I hate myself, I cry a lot, I'm agitated as hell. My irritability goes through the roof and I fly off the handle at the smallest of things. I wish I could die and my SI urges are really strong. I usually settle for smacking my head against the wall a few times or punching my bed or my legs. Everything just feels wrong and horrible and I feel like everything I do is wrong and that I am a worthless piece of shit. I spend a lot of time in my bed thinking about how I should kill myself. It's just....awful.
DX: Schizoaffective Disorder (Bipolar Type), PTSD, ADD, Asthma
Current Meds: Trileptal (450mg 2xday), Latuda (40mg), Risperdal (1mg), Ritalin (10-40mg/day), Zyprexa-Zydis (5mg PRN), BCP's, albuterol inhaler PRN.


Previous DX: Bipolar w/ psychotic features,MDD, OCD, GAD, Borderline, Dysthymia, That's all I can think of.
Previous Meds: Invega, Prozac, Celexa, Lexapro, Paxil, Zoloft, Remeron, Geodon, Ambien, Buspar, Effexor, Amitriptyline, Wellbutrin SR, Trazodone

#8 Anodyne Oblivion

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 11:46 AM

Yeah, "hell" pretty much sums it up. Minus the human barbecue part.
Instead of pitiful woe-is-me guilt ridden depression I feel raging, angry depression. Very irritable. Going a million miles a minute and nowhere at all at the same time. I usually withdraw during this point because I don't want to ruin my relationships with...well...everyone.
Edit: Strong urge to SI is usually there too. Hard to resist. I'm an introverted person, so instead of freaking out on people (a real rarity which is in a way lucky, but also kept me from getting the help I needed for a very long time because everyone thought I was just being a moody teenager despite my requests to see a psychiatrist as a last ditch effort to stop harming/killing myself. My little brother is violent, so he gets plenty of attention for his brain dysfunction as a child/tween....) So...um....anyway, back to my point....I'm introverted, so 95% of the hatred and rage I feel gets internalized and I drown in it. It's why I don't have an arrest record....I only really hurt myself.

Meds help.
In lieu of meds, the only thing that ever worked a couple times was repeating to myself over and over "Be still" and concentrating as hard as possible on the sounds of the letters that make up the word and the way they felt in my mouth, what the letters looked like and in what order they were arranged. I tried to occupy as many senses as possible with thinking about that phrase. It was pretty difficult but I managed to fall asleep (albeit for a very short period) both times while doing this. Tried to do deep breathing too at the same time.

Usually though, I'm too "cool" to do stuff like this. I really do feel ridiculous.

Sometimes rocking helps. It both gets rid of some extra energy and is soothing at the same time.

Edited by Anodyne Oblivion, 10 August 2011 - 11:54 AM.

Dx with BP II and ADHD because who wants to actually take the time to test a grown woman for an ASD?  No, that'd be stupid.  And I'm silly for even bringing it up.  Despite the fact that 2/3 of my siblings are on the spectrum. 

 

meds:

Buproprion

Focalin

(Buspirone?  Probably not gonna take it)

 


#9 Gearhead

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 11:57 AM



Sometimes rocking helps. It both gets rid of some extra energy and is soothing at the same time.


I rock too!

My mixed states combine depression of the there's-no-way-out-and-nothing-but-more-of-this-to-look-forward-to variety with irritability, agitation, anger, insomnia, racing thoughts and an inability to sit still. When I was younger I hurt myself a lot while in various mixed states. I also get very obsessive about weird things (is there anything you can obsess about that isn't weird?). I develop characteristics of an eating disorder, poof, out of nowhere, since I don't have any such symptoms when not mixed.

I am absolutely at my greatest risk of suicide during a bad mixed state.

Bipolar I, sports fans. Autism spectrum. With just un soupçon of migraine...

Give us this day our daily meds: 150 lamotrigine, 75 topiramate, 150 Seroquel XR, 100 Seroquel IR, 12.5 Ambien CR,
15 mgs escitalopram, 4000 i.u. Vit. D3

 

Cyclobenzaprine and Midrin PRN

Past, failed attempts: Effexor XR, Celexa, amitriptyline, Depakote, Geodon, klonopin, ativan, bupropion, busipirone, lithium, trazodone, Lunesta, Rozerem, gabapentine, mirtazapine, Wellbutrin, Temazepam, Sonata


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#10 Anodyne Oblivion

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 12:02 PM

I forgot about that, gearhead.... I get that stuff too when it gets pretty bad. Lost 40 lbs last year that way....(of course it all came back...grumblegrumblegrumble) I also obsess over the weirdest stuff. Like....stuff I don't even necessarily find that interesting. It's pretty odd. When I find myself awake at 4am stuck in an internet vortex and unable to escape obsessively reading I know I should probably call the pdoc.....

Dx with BP II and ADHD because who wants to actually take the time to test a grown woman for an ASD?  No, that'd be stupid.  And I'm silly for even bringing it up.  Despite the fact that 2/3 of my siblings are on the spectrum. 

 

meds:

Buproprion

Focalin

(Buspirone?  Probably not gonna take it)

 


#11 lysergia

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 02:55 PM




Sometimes rocking helps. It both gets rid of some extra energy and is soothing at the same time.


I rock too!


me too... actually i should put this near the top of my list of "indicators". if i'm rocking all the time, then yep that's why. it's certainly not the most hellish part of a mixed state (pretty much what others described), but it seems to be the only time i do it.

I am absolutely at my greatest risk of suicide during a bad mixed state.


also this.

current dx:

BPI/II (depending on whom you ask), DDNOS, ED issues (recovered anorexic), major anxiety issues, PTSD issues (now subclinical), hallucinations NOS.
current rx:

wellbutrin 300 mg, clonazepam 1.5 mg, seroquel 50 mg, synthroid 0.1625 mg, vitamins D3, B12, omega3.  PRNs - seroquel, ibuprofen, tylenol, nicotine, caffeine, chocolate
past rx:

lithium, lamotrigine, prozac, paxil, zoloft, effexor, citalopram, latuda, lyrica, imipramine, nortyrptaline, lorazepam, buspar, mirtazipine, risperdal, remeron, abilify, parnate, zyprexa, zopicolone, l-tryptophan, trazadone, melatonin, ECT, more stuff i can't remember

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#12 dedoubt

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 06:40 PM

Sometimes rocking helps. It both gets rid of some extra energy and is soothing at the same time.


I rock too!



Me too. I rock while I'm manic, too, but it definitely makes me feel better while I'm in a mixed state.

These are some things I've written about what mixed states are like:

...initially had a lot of manic symptoms, interpersed with bad depression. It all switched into one big mess of a mixed state, and I was left feeling blank, unmotivated, irritable, hallucinating, suicidal, and cutting, among other unpleasantness. I'd spend most of the day in a vacant stupor with no coherent thoughts forming, then have a spike in anxiety/irritation/giddiness, then crash. It's been really fun. I've been feeling like I just wanted to explode out of my body, rip my skin off and escape. :Trigger: I recently found myself about to take a bath, with a little time out to cut my legs up with a razor, and about to cut through my wrist, just because I didn't see any reason not to. :Trigger: My only reason for stopping was because I didn't feel like dealing with people just then.

***********

Lights have been glowing. Signs on buildings at night especially. Going to the grocery store is like being at a theme park on acid. People's faces are often monstrous. Misshapen and scary. Their hair is too big, their faces melty, and they all look at me. I'm scared when I am in public, jumping if there are sudden movements near me. I cant my body away from people if I have to pass them, look at the ground so I don't have to see their scary faces. Lights are so bright I squint and squint. I wear a hat in my living room so the light doesn't hurt my eyes.

The grass was glowing today, as were the leaves on trees. So pretty, every leaf, every blade of grass clearly delineated, while also looking to be part of a painting. One of those hyper-realism paintings that always freak me out anyway.

There is a herd of horses galloping in my chest, going nowhere because they are tethered to the unmoving mountain that is me.

I cried in front of three different people at city hall about a parking ticket.

These are all signs that a mighty big catastrophe is heading my way.

The horsemen of my own apocalypse.


*************

I was in the hospital about a month after that last part. I'm astounded I was able to hold out that long, but I was taking a very important class and was determined not to fuck it up. Two of the three times I've been in the hospital, I was in mixed states. Both times I became psychotic before making it in, and both times, meds had pushed me over the edge. I think my pdoc and I have worked out more of a plan at this point for switching meds up before that happens, but I have stupid physical & mental responses to meds that often counter what they should be doing. (Geodon made me psychotic and/or made my psychosis worse, plus gave me dystonia.) So we try meds, and if that doesn't work, we try something else. Much as I love the unlimited soda and TV, I'm not keen to go back in hospital...

The crazy: Bipolar disorder 1 (rapid cycling, with psychosis), personality disorder (NOS), PTSD, ADD, uppity

The pills: None. Mutually agreed upon with my pdoc as the best choice for now.

"All at once is what eternity is." Kenneth Patchen

#13 gizmo

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Posted 10 August 2011 - 11:38 PM

I agree that mixed states are hell. For me, there is severe agitation. I can't sit down, I can't walk around, I can't read, watch tv or get on the computer. I get very irritated over little stuff (and I RARELY get mad outside mixed states). I have huge levels of anxiety. I have a hard time going to sleep and staying asleep. I get highly self critical and nothing I do is worth a shit. I look around the house and see cleaning things I haven't done and should. And that makes me feel like shit. Like right now, every baseboard in my house needs scrubbing, but I have 2000 square feet of house. And two bad knees that I can't put my weight on (esp. after 3 surgeries on the right knee).
Diagnosis: BP I with Psychotic Features, GAD, ADHD, Chronic Migraines, various physical stuff.
Meds Currently On: Depakote 2000 mg, Risperdal 8 mg, Latuda 80 mg, Prozac 60 mg, Vyvanse 70 mg, Propranolol 40 mg BID, Klonopin 2 mg BID PRN
Meds Sort-Of Mental Related: Lipitor 40 mg, Zofran 4 mg PRN, Fioricet PRN, Stadol PRN, Botox received on 8/16/13

I post on an iPhone, so please forgive grammatical errors or strange word inclusions. It's the auto correct!

#14 wj74

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Posted 11 August 2011 - 06:26 AM

Yep, definitely most likely to hurt myself during a mixed state. I start to get really anxious and want to scratch/cut myself (which I've never done), bang my head against the wall, etc. I would probably take a bunch of pills if it got too bad, which is why the doc tries to limit the amount he gives me (trazodone and klonopin).

SZA, bipolar type.

 

 


#15 animal

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Posted 11 August 2011 - 08:00 PM

I am in a mixed state right now and can barely even talk about it. I get urges for self injury, which is not like me AT ALL. I just lose my mind. It's miserable for me and everyone around me.
Me = Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy, Bipolar II Disorder (rapid cycling), social anxiety and MDD.
Me also = mountain biker, Schutzhunder, veterinary technician.
Rx = Keppra XR 500mg, Trazodone 100mg, Celexa 40mg, Abilify 5mg, and a multivitamin.

#16 Becks

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Posted 12 August 2011 - 01:24 PM

Yep, it's hell, pure hell!

I get agitated, irritable, can't sit still, but I have no motivation to actually do anything, can't sleep. Noise, lights, anything and everything irritates me. Little things that wouldn't normally bother me, drives me to the point of rage. I pick fights with my Hubs and my oldest son. The delusional thinking that family members are only doing things to irk me or to purposively taunt me take over. I begin hearing and seeing things that aren't there. Racing and intrusive thoughts start to creep in. Then the depression takes over and I hate myself for the way I treated everyone, beg for them to forgive me, lock myself up in one of the bedrooms/bathroom and cry and cry and cry. I have thoughts of SI but I haven't acted upon them. The last one I had back in May was quite bad and I had planned out my entire suicide, like some sick, twisted daydream. I would sit for hours obsessing about it. It was this mixed state that sent me to the ER and eventually to my new therapist and pdoc. I'm still trying to recover from it with meds, weekly pdoc visits and weekly therapy sessions. I also get impulsive. I'm not one to just leave the house, telling no one where I'm going and be gone for hours, I do this after I start fights with Hubs and my son.

Yeah, I gotta agree, it's absolutely hell!

Becca 

Author of Moorestorms A Guide for the Bipolar Parent

 

"And I never thought I'd say, that I'm weaker today than I was yesterday..oh man
But I'll fight as I always fight with whats inside of me.. this warrior spirit inside of me" - Sully Erna Broken Road


#17 Chiaroscuro

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Posted 30 November 2011 - 05:14 PM

My mixed states are the same though I guess "milder" (for want of a better word). I get heightened levels of anxiety, irriation/anger and self loathing. I see everything that I haven't done around the house and though it drives me mental, I can't seem to care ot find the energy to do it, I just want to curl up and hide from everybody, but at the same time, I don't really want to sit still, but I don't want to do anything else either. I feel like I'm itchy under my skin and I can't settle it down, everything seems to much, even just the thought of doing the dishes leaves me in tears.

I feel like I've wasted my life and my potential, I haven't yet been able to get a job, meanwhile, hubby's working his butt off with 2 jobs, so I feel like a failure because he has to work so hard to support us. At the same time, I'm terrified that I won't cope with the stresses of a job (it's been 3 years since I worked) and of course I've built it up in my head to be a huge thing (when it's not THAT big). I just feel like I want to cry for a week....yet at the same time I feel like I have all this enegery/irritation... I just want the irritation to go away...I keep loosing my temper at my son over small things and then I hate myself for it, I'd never hurt him, but I just get so fed up and mad.......

I have SI in the past and came really close to it recently, but managed to head it off ny doing some Art Therapy (I wrote down all the negative words that had been building up inside of me and made them all "pretty" with glitter pens and stuff (yeah I know, weird) ) and I felt surprisingly better after that, but yeah,most of the day I wander round in a "funk" snapping at everyone, but not wanting to be alone. I hate it, I just want to feel better than I do now :(

"Visual bruises can be covered with makeup. But down to the core I'm all bruises" Majandra Delfino.
* These are just my personal opinions/ experiences/ things that have worked for me over time, they may or may not work for you, I'm not a medical professional. Seek medical advice before undertaking any exercise, medication, diet, or any major lifestyle changes *
Chiaroscuro: basically put; a juxtaposition of light & dark, commonly used in Art.
Current Dx:
Bipolar I -Rapid Cycling without psychosis-| Generalised Anxiety Disorder (GAD)| Asthma| Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)| Self Dx: ED/ Calorie restriction/ Binging/ Over Eating/ Slight Purging/ Over Exercising /Fasting/ Abuse of laxatives/ Disordered Eating/ Self Injury/Harm.

Previous Dxs:

BPII

Rapid Cycling BPII
Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

Some traits of some sort of personality disorder (Pdoc never said which PD he felt it was)

Lack of coping mechanisms

Impulse control issues
Current Rx:

Lamictal (Lamotrigine) 100mg AM| Zactin/Lovan/Prozac (fluoxetine) 20mg AM|Valium (Diazepam) 2mg tablets prn|Eutroxsig (levothyroxine as thyroxine sodium) 50mg AM 5 days & 100mg 2 days a week|Symbicort Inhaler 200mcd/6mcg prn|Nexium (esomeprazole) 20mg AM & PM |Zantac (ranitidine) prn|~for Hayfever~ Telfast (Fexofenadine) 180mg AM OR Zyrtec (cetirizine) 10mg AM 
Previous Rx:
Lithium| Seroquel XR & IR (Quetiapine) | Epilim (Sodium Valproate)|Pristiq (Desvenlafaxine)| Effexor XR (Venlafaxine)| Aropax (Paroxetine Hydrochloride)| Cipramil (Citalopram Hydrobromide)

"Think of the solution, not the problem" ~Richard Rahl~ -Terry Goodkind's Sword of Truth Series-


#18 2Spirals

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Posted 30 November 2011 - 08:33 PM

I've had one mixed state so far and it was scary. I was full of anger and rage and energy. I was very irritable and had obsessive racing thoughts about violence and doing myself harm. And at the same time I was sad, tearful, cut myself, and slept a lot. It was very frightening. I was escorted out of my office building by police and taken to a hospital, where after 8 hours I was released because I was not in my right mind and thoughts of throwing things, and breaking things and hurting myself were flooding my brain...

Diagnosis: Bipolar I, Generalized Anxiety Disorder & Panic Disorder
Medications: Lamictal 200mg, Lorazepam 2mg (PRN), Clonazepam 2mg
Old Medications: Buspar, Paxil, Lexapro, Lamictal, Topamax, Geodon, Clonazepam, Abilify, Seroquel XR, Citalopram, Risperidone, Seroquel IR, Viibryd, wellbutrin


#19 Cattitude

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Posted 30 November 2011 - 10:08 PM

I'm in the middle of a mixed state (the worst I've had so far and the only one that was identified as such). Umm yeah it sucks. Many of the same things others have described here. Depressed, crying/no motivation for the past 2 weeks. Lying around all afternoons "sleeping" but really thinking of stuff that really scares me, and crying. Not even wanting to wash or care for myself.

Bursts of flashing, burning rage which so far I've been able to contain, sort of. Tonight I had an "attack" before my SO got home from work. He was lucky not to be home yet, as I would literally have smashed something on his face or head. Instead I stormed up and down the house shouting and swearing and banging things around in an imaginary conversation with him. I managed to calm myself down by cuddling my chihuahua, which always calms me and grounds me in the present (I call her my "therapy dog").

I've also had a powerful urge to SI, but so far all I've done is OD on my meds. Yesterday was a double dose of lamotrigine. A couple of days ago I doubled my dose of Lithium (1800 mg). Fucking stupid I know. I just want to feel something besides rage, sadness and fear.

I suspect I should go into the ER but forget it. They throw people into a horrible room with windows all around (I call it "the crazy room"), and the cops and EMT's hang around the windows in their uniforms, peering in. I could give more details but I won't, suffice it to say there's no way in HELL that I'm going there again. I'm seeing my pdoc early next week so I will ask him what to do.

Dx: BP1 (Schizoaffective), PTSD, GAD, ADHD, BPD, Self-Harm, Med resistance
Rx: Latuda 80mg, Seroquel XR 200mg + IR 100mg PRN, Zopiclone PRN, Modafinil PRN.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          

Fails: Too many Rx to list, ECT, Booze

“Don’t be afraid of making an ass of yourself. I do it all the time and look what I got.” - William Shatner


“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” - Winston Churchill


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"I'm running out of drugs for you" - My pdoc


#20 Closure

Closure

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Posted 30 November 2011 - 10:27 PM

Mixed state here too, at least earlier in the day. I am not sure exactly what mood I am in at the very moment, as it feels like a depressed mood, but there could still be some element of mixedness in it, especially if tonight I find I have little interest in sleeping, just like last night.

My mixed states basically run the gamut of things ranging from essentially euphorialess mild hypomania with a note of sourness and/or mild pain or mild depression but with constant thoughts and little interest in sleeping on the mild end to simply overwhelming pain combined with intense irritability, anxiety, antsiness, extreme difficulty sleeping, and a constant, uncontrollable flood of horrible (usually suicidal) thoughts going in unending circles in my head on the very severe end.

I get mixed states a lot, but the exact moods I do get are usually somewhere in the middle between those two extremes. Thankfully they have not been on the very severe end that much, but they have been there far more times than I would wish (i.e. more than none).

Interestingly enough, despite getting all sorts of mixed states far too frequently, I really do not ever get the rage thing in them that it seems very many people who get them have, and which I even see far too frequently in my (undiagnosed) mother...

As for how I deal with mixed states, well, I don't - I just wait for them to go away, usually by turning into depressed moods. I just, in the meantime, restrain myself from acting on any thoughts or impulses that come up, which, if I have to restrain myself in the first place, are usually suicidal in nature. Unfortunately, at times that has been easier said than done, as one might expect.

Current Dx: either SZA bipolar-type or Bipolar I, OCD
Past Dx: Bipolar II
Rx: 1200 mg lithium carbonate, 800 mg carbamazepine, 15 mg mirtazapine, 5 mg risperidone






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