NOTE: Certain points in this post have been edited for clarity's sake. Deal.
Having worked for several years in a comic book/gaming store, a place where 'Nice Guys' typically congregate, the entire 'Chicks Dig Assholes'
bitchfest has happened over and over again right in front of me, and I've pretty much heard every variation on it possible. Hell, occasionally the 'Nice Guys' doing the bitching actually notice I'm there long enough to ask how I feel about it, and then are horrified when I tell them the truth.
This is going to sound really harsh, but the worst part about 'Nice Guys' is that they refuse to accept their own flaws. It can't possibly be something that they themselves are doing. It has to be the girls, right?
I feel uniquely qualified to explain this to you. I am quite literally your worst nightmare.I'm the girl who has crushed every 'Nice Guy' she's ever met into the dirt on purpose.
So let's get started. When I finish laying this out, I'm going to tell you how to fix it.
The common chords in most of these whine-sessions are that the Nice Guys feel entitled to having a girlfriend, as though it's somehow standard issue that every single person in possession of a penis must have one. (Kind of like 'No Child Left Behind' or 'Every Child Gets a Trophy'.) This is not only completely false, but it also basically says in no uncertain terms, 'Girlfriends are not people, they are a possession I have a right to have and will give me status as a man among my peers. Also, sex.'
There's always an element of, 'Damit, why do they have one and I don't? I want one!'
One what? A smoothie? A basketball? A PS3? Oh, you mean a human being? Someone with emotions and desires? Girls aren't objects, and neither are relationships, and right now I'm sure that you're saying to yourself, 'I know they aren't objects! I'm a nice guy!'
But all of the language surrounding those girls is 'that guy has all the hot chicks'
or 'steals the girls'
or 'gets the girls'
. Are we talking about human beings, or a herd of cattle?
There's also this unspoken suggestion that girls who are interested in the jerks, assholes, and bad boys are somehow stupid, because how could they possibly be interested in those guys instead of someone as magnificent and nice as you?
You reinforced this one yourself by suggesting that only teenagers and younger women are interested in the 'bad boys' because the older ones see there's no future with them...which again, goes back to the same thing: 'Younger women are interested in jerks because they are too stupid to see how horrible that jerky-jerkface is, and how generous and awesome I am. Those stupid, ungrateful bitches.'
...but you're such a Nice Guy...right?
Last but not least, the self-pity is part and parcel of each 'Chicks Dig Assholes' bitchfest, and it's the part that I hate the most. It goes something like this, 'Poor me! Everyone shits on me! I'm such a Nice Guy and girls are never interested in me! They always want that mean douchey-doucheface over there who has everything! He has girls, he has money, he has a good job, he has a nice body, he knows about sex, he has visible self-confidence, good hygiene, a defined personality, the ambition to go out and do things and make decisions for himself, and who will stand up for himself when some asshole gets in his face.'Here is my suspicion
: It has very little to do with girls, and has very much to do with you being incredibly insecure about everything in your life: Your body, your accomplishments, your job, your bank account, your status in society, and your lack of the objects and items that increase your status, like money and let's face it, girls
. Because you are insecure and bitter about those things, the men who are well adjusted and who take control of their lives (and do not let people use them as doormats)
are therefore 'jerks, assholes, and douchebags'.The truth is, you aren't a nice guy
. You are graspy, passive-aggressive, whiny, and you very likely have both a misogynistic streak and a bad fucking temper hidden behind that entire 'Nice Guy' act. Most women have dated at least one 'Nice Guy' in their lives, and it's a mistake that most of them won't make again. There's a reason that once a girl realizes you're a 'Nice Guy' you get dumped in the friend zone...and it's not because they're too stupid to see how nice you are, it's because they can see 'Insecure, Passive-Aggressive Asshole' written all over you
So I'm going to pretend that you aren't completely enraged by now, and instead saying something like:"Recluse! I totally understand now! What can I do to fix myself of this 'Nice Guy' crap?!"
It's much easier than you realize.
1. Stop being a weiner
. You agree with everyone all the time to avoid conflict or a difference of opinion. God forbid someone that you know be unhappy, or that you don't agree with them about one particular point or another. You might see this agreeability as being 'nice', but really, it's you sitting there with your tail between your legs and not saying what you're really thinking. This doesn't make you a nice guy. This makes you a doormat. - So work very hard to assert your own opinions and thoughts, and when someone disagrees with you, tell them so without arguing about it. Accept that people don't always agree.
2. Be your own guy
. For many of the men I know, the 'Nice Guy' thing becomes a preoccupation that really damages their actual personality. They are also horribly, creepily co-dependent. They've spent so long being agreeable and avoiding conflict that they have trouble defining the things they like, don't like, or want out of life beyond big, wide generalities. Take a break from the 'Nice Guy' routine and willingly, happily be solo for a while. Be 'the bachelor', not 'that guy with no girlfriend', and as a bachelor, go out and do shit that makes YOU happy, and fuck anyone who doesn't like it.
3. Improve yourself, for yourself
. Look at the things that you envy most about other men, the things that make them 'assholes', and then start working toward that. If you feel especially strongly about men with good bodies, start working out, if you feel strongly about men with good jobs, take steps to find a different or better job. Decide who you want to be, and then start taking small, tangible steps toward that goal. Just the process of going, 'fuck this, I want something better' can be empowering and help your insecurity.
4. Have a few one night stands
. The only way to be good at sex is to have some. I'm dead serious. Also, take condoms. [Edit: Having One Night stands, provided they are consensually One Night Stands is not a crime or even a bad idea for certain folks. Both parties release their frustration, enjoy themselves, and then go their separate ways. This is neither evil nor unnatural in my opinion.]
5. Learn to fight
. This is important for several reasons. The first is that you must learn to stop being cowardly. The second is that everyone, male or female, should know how to fight. The third is that it will teach you self confidence. The fourth reason is that at some point in your adult life, you WILL have to fight someone for one reason or another, and you'd better be ready to do it. You'll walk with a little more swagger, and right now, swagger is what you need. [Edit: Such reasons for fighting include: Self defense, defense of others, preventing theft, etc. Please do not take this to mean that you must go out and brawl indescriminantly for whatever reason suits you.]
6. Study Cognitive Behavioral Therapy
. I can't say enough about it. It will help. Buy the 'For Dummies' book, it's cheap and it will get you started. [Edit: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a method by which you learn how to identify your own cognitive distortions and avoid them in the future. It will help you be better balanced. CBT is recommended for a great number of things, among them anxiety and chronic insecurity.]
This kind of thing is shit that I think fathers should tell their sons when they're young, but no one ever does. It would solve so many problems if they did. You've said in another post that you need someone, but you're not going to find anyone else until you figure yourself out.
I hope this helps.
Edited by Recluse, 13 March 2012 - 03:24 PM.