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FUCK. I'm so tired of this bullshit. Where do you go if you're running from yourself!?

suicide death bipolar fuck

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#1 takemetospace

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 01:31 PM

My brain doesn't work anymore. I went from child prodigy/genius to this; someone who can barely read a page without forgetting entirely what it was about. The same person who seems to do the same things every day with no improvement. I seem to wake up and forget everything, and NO it's not Amnesia.

I can't run from myself any longer. I am so fucking pissed off right now I want to kill everyone around me. I want to break things. I want to take an axe to my car. I'm staying at my parents house and I want to light it on fire and watch it burn.

I can't leave anywhere because no matter where I go this follows me. I can't do something fun because there is nothing fun that takes my mind away from this horseshit. I can't be productive because trying to learn something new is a death sentence because I can't learn any more and the frustration from sitting here trying to make my brain work right send me into a stronger rage!

WHERE DO YOU GO when you're running from yourself? How do you calm down. I'm surprised I lasted this long (years) but I think I'm at the breaking point. I can't just 'blow off some steam' like normal people. I can't remove myself from a situation, like a family feud, because that stiuation is myself and it is basically holding me under water no matter where I travel, what I think, and what I do.

Cognitive therapy is a joke. The last thing on my mind is fucking talking myself out of it because I don't believe a god damn word I'm telling myself!

That 357 is looking so awesome right now, BUT... oh wait... I can't do it. Why?!?! Because I go manic every time I put it to my head! I can't escape it even if I want to!

FUCK MY FUCKEN LIFE!!!

Wow grammatical nightmare. Sorry. FUCK editing it.


#2 takemetospace

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 01:34 PM

How do people have fun in life? How do you help yourself feel better if nothing is fun and everything in this world is just a disaster waiting to happen? I can't watch a fucking movie because it'll send me into a rage if there's something in there I don't like. It's like everything I like to do is always taken away from me, or becomes exceedingly hard (guitar). Christ, my ability to play music is DIRECTLY related to my mood. If I feal great, I play great. If I feel shitty, I play shitty. I can't run to this guitar to help myself feel better because it, LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE IN LIFE, changes in difficulty based on my mood.

It's a self-reinforcing cycle of hopeless despair. I want to just keel over and die.

And fuck the suicide helpline, what a joke. And FUCK inpatient; Now I'm 30 grand in debt and all I have to show is several visits to the drug re-evaluation program. and NONE of the fucking drugs work!! They never have!

God damnit I'm so pissed off I wish you could feel it.

#3 Will

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 02:31 PM

I believe I've been to a similar place. That place where I'm manic and the doctors and the meds don't help and all I'm left with is my rage because there is no where to turn and no one to help me.

So I get out and walk so far that I feel like I'm about to drop, and then I turn around and walk back. Now, that may (does) involve walking into traffic, spitting on windshields, challenging drivers to fist fights, cursing people at churches. But I don't own a gun, thanks be to myself. And walking beats my other technique of getting in my truck and driving madly thru town until the cops stop me and I challenge them to a fight in an attempt to get them to beat my ass or throw me in jail, or worse. I'll fight, but not with a gun.

It's hard to physically exhaust myself when manic, but if I walk far enough I can do it.

Edit: And when it's over, I have called or sent a letter of apology to people I can identify that I have offended. I'm not proud of my behavior. The thought that no one could help was a product of mania, not thinking clearly.

Edited by Will, 30 April 2012 - 05:03 PM.

BP 1
 


#4 scatty

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 03:42 PM

It took me many years to find meds that work enough so I can function most days. I still have episodes, though not as severe. I am doing Accetance & commitment therapy (ACT) on my own through a workbook and it has helped a lot. I hope to get a therapist soon as well. We have to work so muchharder than normies just to be functioning sometimes. It sucks, but it can get better.

Dx:
Bipolar I & Anxiety.  Self diagnosed cunt.

My New (old) Meds: (previously these kept me the most stable)
Lithium ER 1350 mgs.
Lamictal 200 mgs.

Klonopin 2 mgs.

 

Practicing CBT, DBT, and ACT self-help therapy.

Crazy since the 80's!
 


#5 takemetospace

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 05:52 PM

I keep thinking it's psychological. But who the hell else does this on this planet?

Scatty:
I'm going to look into ACT, thanks.

Will:
Is this what mania is? I often think my logic is perfect when going insane, but is the mania the thing causing this illusion of logic? I know what you mean, it's like everything shuts down and rational thinking is out the window. People say to use things to 'manage your emotions' or 'stop acting like a girl' but I'm not bullshitting. I literally have no control over what I think, feel, do, or say.

One time I got so pissed off that I bought a backpack and enough food for 2 weeks. The plan was to hike 300 miles back home (across country). It made so much sense at the time, but right before I left I went into a depression and became physically ill (sometimes it gets so bad I vomit uncontrollably). Looking back I thought the hike was a shitty idea, and if I didn't get depressed I would have ended up doing it. But why did I think that at the time? It's like logic doesn't exist.

I hate my life, I want no sympathy from anyone, I just want to be a productive member of society. God damnit. And they say suicide is the easy way out??? FUCK THOSE INCONSIDERATE, ARROGANT FUCKS. I'ts like having the flu every day of your life. I'm sure if they were as sick as we were they'd change their tune.

#6 Will

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 07:11 PM

I'm not saying you're manic depressive because I can't diagnose you. I'm bipolar 1, and I typically go over the top into psychosis when manic. So, when I'm dealing with rage, I'm sometimes thinking that people have an agenda against me. That's paranoid and delusional. You sound more rational than I am when I'm sick. Which is not to say your pain is less. The suggestion that you walk your ass off to exhaustion was just a practice that got me thru a 3-month episode when I was dealing with a lot of rage. I guess I identified with you because of the rage component of your experience.

The "illusion of logic." Well said. When I'm getting sick I feel I'm firing on more cylinders. Thinking is much faster and easier. I can tap memories and connect things in wondrous (for me anyway) ways. But that's just the hypomanic phase and it typically goes all the way out for me.

So, the first few years they had me labeled as a schizophrenic and I was locked up a couple of times because I was completely berserk. When they let me out, I knew the diagnosis and I was afraid of the label of schizophrenia. Now, I think it's just a label and my life may have been about the same, just different meds. Lithium helped me until it stopped working a few years ago -- it damn sure seemed to correct my diagnosis.

Despite all this, I've managed a career. It might have been better, but it's been good enough all things considered. Just keep going and looking for help and answers.

BP 1
 


#7 takemetospace

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 08:08 PM

Thanks for replying Will, and you're right, we have the rage in common. I also go over the top when in mania. For some reason I feel like I can control what people are thinking, and try to place ideas in peoples' heads.

Do you mind if I ask you how much lithium you were on? Doc isn't even doing bloodwork on me for lithium... fucking asshole. I'm on 1200 and want to increase more but he says if I'm not showing signs/symptoms I shouldn't do a blood test. I'm thinking maybe 1500 might work?

Of course it stopped working for me in the past, but out of all the medications I"ve taken, it lasted the longest (1 month before it quit).

Congratulations on your career. I am happy that there is light at the end of the tunnel after hearing that. Unfortunately for me I have these types of episodes every time I try to finish school and can't manage to keep up with the work load. I have finals next week and haven't a clue as to what the topics are on.

Although it's funny, because when I'm in a very good mood my cylinders fire faster also. Memories are clearer, I feel like a god (super intelligent), and I can work 10 times harder than I could otherwise. I usually tend to finish work I"ve been putting off for weeks in a matter of days, but then the crash happens and the cycle repeats itself.

Just wish I could do something productive. I interned at NASA for god sakes, back before this started, and now I can't even complete basic general education classes. It's either I'm hyper intelligent or borderline retarded. I barely manage to write these posts as well, since I have to re-read them several times to remember what I"ve written, and then edit for over half an hour.

I don't mean to put anyone else in a bad mood, I won't post anymore. Sorry for lashing out.

#8 Will

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 08:39 PM

1200 lithium, but I would go up to 1500 when hypomanic. Of course, it all is relative to where the dosage gets your blood level.

The first time I took it, it seemed to work like magic. But, looking back, I dunno. It may have been partly the lithium and partly the end of a 3-month manic cycle. But I did have a good first few years on it. Some hypomanic run-ups but no manias for a long time.

One caution, based on your introductory post as I recall it. Alcohol might make you feel better short term, but it is a mood destablilizer.

You don't put anyone in a bad mood. We can do that for ourselves.

BP 1
 


#9 LunaRufina

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 09:14 PM

Do you mind if I ask you how much lithium you were on? Doc isn't even doing bloodwork on me for lithium... fucking asshole. I'm on 1200 and want to increase more but he says if I'm not showing signs/symptoms I shouldn't do a blood test. I'm thinking maybe 1500 might work?


This is pretty ridiculous.
Demand bloodwork. If you don't get an order in your hand, find another pdoc or get one through a gp. Really. It is that important.

"...what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”

― Kent M. Keith, The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council"


#10 LunaRufina

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 09:19 PM

I guess... I would really recommend starting a blog here. You'll get awesome feedback and start to make some connections in the community and also learn other people's stories if you check out the blogs too.

I think one of the things that turned me off from this post initially was NOT that it put me in a bad mood or anything like that.

It's just... I feel you. Totally. There are some days when I want to just pick up my 50 pound computer monitor and throw it through the bay window. And I feel like I could.

I'm feeling kind of mixed right now, so I may say some funny or off things. But I think you can find a good niche here so I hope you stick around.

Do stick around.
There are successes to be had.

"...what you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.”

― Kent M. Keith, The Silent Revolution: Dynamic Leadership in the Student Council"


#11 takemetospace

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 09:37 PM

:) Thank you for your kind words and advice.

#12 crtclms

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 09:37 PM

Not giving blood tests for lithium levels is nuts, and dangerous. This, added to the things you mentioned in another thread, are enough reason to look for a new pdoc. And Luna is right, you should get a blood test like yesterday.

Dx: Bipolar 1; GAD; Migraine w/ Aura; Migraine w/o Aura; Status Migrainosus
Rx: Alprazolam; Botox; Buproprion; CoQ10; Dihydroergotomine via IV Infusion; Flexeril; Green Coffee Bean Extract; Lamotrigine; Lithium; Magnesium Chloride; Metoclopramide; Midrin; Migranal; Prilosec; Promethazine; Riboflavin; Verapamil; Vitamin D3
Currently Shelved: Abilify; Amerge; Anaprox; Atenolol; Buspar; Cafergot; Cymbalta; Depakote; Di-Hydro-ergotamine, injected; Gabapentin; Geodon; Imitrex Tablets; Klonopin; Maxalt; Namenda; Nortriptyline; Norvasc; Propranolol; Prozac; Risperidone; Relpax; Sansert; Sumatriptan injectables; Tegretol; Trazadone; Zoloft; Zolpidem; Zomig; Zonegran


Affectations can be dangerous. -Gertrude Stein

 

I moderate Bipolar, Panic/Anxiety, Dissociative Disorders, Migraine, Seizures, Not Otherwise Specified, Anticonvulsants, Side Effects, Family Feud, and I Still Have Issues. PM me if you have any questions


#13 gizmo

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Posted 30 April 2012 - 11:41 PM

I had lithium toxicity when my only side effect was even more increased thirst. I could have really fried my insides if I hadn't had a blood test done. You really need to get a level done every time you change your dose, and every six months otherwise. Demand a blood test. Any pdoc who refuses doesn't know his ass from his elbow or is a lazy ass and needs to be fired. Are you willing to toast your vital organs because he says so?
Diagnosis: BP I with Psychotic Features, GAD, ADHD, Chronic Migraines, various physical stuff.
Meds Currently On: Depakote 2000 mg, Risperdal 8 mg, Latuda 80 mg, Prozac 60 mg, Vyvanse 70 mg, Propranolol 40 mg BID, Klonopin 2 mg BID PRN
Meds Sort-Of Mental Related: Lipitor 40 mg, Zofran 4 mg PRN, Fioricet PRN, Stadol PRN, Botox received on 8/16/13

I post on an iPhone, so please forgive grammatical errors or strange word inclusions. It's the auto correct!

#14 stable not balanced

stable not balanced

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Posted 01 May 2012 - 01:23 PM

when i had no way to challenge my rage, i started screaming into a pillow. then, i started hitting the sofa. finally, i bought a cheap kids inflatable punching bad and would beat the shit out of it. worked awesome, until it busted. : ) still need another one. (try one thats 4 ft or more)

i tried a real one and that fucking hurt.
Bipolar I - one major episode (all about love and compassion)
Meds: 150 Lamictal, 900 Lithium, 60 Citalopram, .88 Levothyroxine, .5 xanax prn


There's got to be a morning after
If we can hold on through the night
We have a chance to find the sunshine
Let's keep on lookin' for the light

Oh, can't you see the morning after?
It's waiting right outside the storm
Why don't we cross the bridge together
And find a place that's safe and warm?

It's not too late, we should be giving
Only with love can we climb
It's not too late, not while we're living
Let's put our hands out in time

"The Morning After" Maureen McGovern





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