21 replies to this topic

[bluechick]

Ok, so I found an old college friend of mine on the internet recently.  We've been emailing back and forth for about a month and a half catching up.  I shared some personal stuff about my difficult past problems with drugs, alcohol, and professional fuck-ups.  I shared them just because that is who I am.  I want others to learn from my past mistakes.  If I can help even one person avoid the kinds of damage I did then I will have made a difference.

 

Out of the blue I get this email from him basically asking me where we are going with this friendship.  Apparently, he wants to know right the fuck now if we are going to be close friends cuz if not he doesn't want to put in the effort.  WTF?  I have no idea what kind of friendship we are forging, if at all.  I let these things grow organically.  If it turns into a long-standing friendship then great.  If not, that happens too.  I have had enough people come and go in my life that I don't really get all bent about it.

 

So how the hell am I supposed to respond to this?  I certainly don't have the energy to put into someone who is overly needy.  I don't need more drama in my life.  But at the same token I don't want to hurt his feelings.

 

I just feel like he's being awfully pushy with this.  I doubt he has ulterior motives because we're both happily married, with children, and live 600 miles apart.  So I don't think that is what's on his mind.  But still -- a little creepy, no?

[bpladybug]

that is a little wierd

I would slow  down the frequency of contact just to be safe.

and I would remind him of the facts - that you are just casual email friends

and that both of you are both happily married with children

[koali777]

I'd ask for clarification, cause it DOES sound weird but in case he worded it wrong...if he's serious, he sounds kind of intense and maybe not like a healthy friend. That would push me away if I were in your shoes. And, if you're happily married then why is he even worried about how close you're gonna be? Seems strange, I agree...

[sonicwhite]

 He's insacure that is what it is. The C (creepy) word makes me angry...lol but, anyways no big deal he does sound like he is pushy and both of you being married is a big no no for the both of you....It can basically rot your relationship you have grown up in wisdom with your husband. If he is fantasizing about you then ya thats a litl ummmm I don't wnat to use the C word but, that is kinda what it is grrrrr. IDK I guess don't be shy and you ask him what are your motives because I'm married and I don't want to push things beyond a friendship. Also do you know in your own heart that your not stroking and idea's that you may be thinking of? Just curious is all These all just all my thoughts on it. Please don't be offended...

[Mirazh]

I agree that friendships are best left to grow organically. I would state as much, that you feel like friendships are best left to grow organically, that you have no idea where it's going to go in the future, and that you find his demand for such a declaration rather pushy and off-putting. But then, I find making my communication as direct as possible to be the best.

[Mirazh]

The thing is this: you can't go through life by avoiding making anyone uncomfortable. Life does not owe us comfort. Social interaction is not always comfortable. Perhaps he is just simply clueless and direct, but that doesn't change how pushy and off-putting his actions seem to you.

This is why I'd keep the response phrased: *you* prefer to let friendships grow organically, *you* find his actions to *seem* pushy and off-putting. It's not that they necessarily are, it's that you find them to be so, because of the organic-grown preference. And don't mention things about any guesses as to his intentions, stick to his current actions and words only. You can't see inside his mind.

And he may very well have hurt feelings, to some degree. The thing is, I really don't believe there's some sort of special phrasing you can use to make 'you are seeming pushy to me, and I am considering keeping my distance because of how I feel about it' come out in a non-uncomfortable way. If you aren't direct enough, you run the risk of being too subtle, and having to re-explain yourself, potentially getting more frustrated in the process.

Sometimes people need to hear honest feedback about how their behaviour comes across to others. It isn't comfortable to hear, I should know. It isn't comfortable to say, I should also know. But you shouldn't let the risk of his feeling uncomfortable at your feedback, overrule your need to assert yourself.

[y58]

I agree with Miron, but I would add that you should underscore the fact that you are happily married.

[Mirazh]

See, we'll have to agree to disagree on that point. IMHO, unless he's *directly* said anything about hooking up, dating, or future possibilities in a similar vein, then mentioning the happily married thing runs the risk of assuming his motivations. But that's just me.

[CrazySoprano]

I'm with Miron.  Miron, you are very wise.

[bluechick]

Thanks everyone for your responses.  I am going to have to sit and contemplate this for a couple of days.  I don't need a high maintenance friend in my life so I need to seriously consider whether he is worth the effort.  Friendships should certainly not be forced.  And Lord knows I have enough in my life to keep me busy without adding a needy friend to the mix.

[Titania]

Ummm, if you are married, is sharing your deepest darkest emotional secrets wise? No wonder this dude is confused. That stuff often works better with your hub and friends, rather than with another married man, no matter how you view it. Sharing intimacies is a fast vtrack to unintentional infidelity, very few people set out to have an affair, instead they get too close for innocent reasons.

 

It may be that is asking not because he is needy, but because you have overshared personal stuff that belongs with your husband and close friends and he is now confused to his significance as your confidant.

[bluechick]

Ummm, if you are married, is sharing your deepest darkest emotional secrets wise? No wonder this dude is confused. That stuff often works better

To clarify, I did not share my deepest, darkest secrets.  I shared nothing about my personal life (other than the fact that I am happily married with children.)  I told him of my past problems with drugs, alcohol, MI and my professional downfall.  Sadly, this is a matter of public record.  A google search of my name would actually reveal more than I told him.

 

Regardless, point taken.  Looks like I need to cut this off at the knees before it snowballs out of control.  Thanks for your input!

Edited by bluechick, 29 January 2013 - 12:53 PM.

[Titania]

Yes, but by nature, it's still pretty personal stuff. Sharing about your struggles, vulnerabilities and addictions can still be intimate, though I hear you when you say it wasn't romantic. If this guy has problems or addiction issues, I see why you might assume he is needy. But sharing that stuff can be seen as a kind of intimacy and often then can lead to someone relying on you for an intensity that normal real life friendships don't have.

[bluechick]

Yes, but by nature, it's still pretty personal stuff. Sharing about your struggles, vulnerabilities and addictions can still be intimate, though I hear you when you say it wasn't romantic. If this guy has problems or addiction issues, I see why you might assume he is needy. But sharing that stuff can be seen as a kind of intimacy and often then can lead to someone relying on you for an intensity that normal real life friendships don't have.

Point taken.  I'll be more careful.

[Titania]

I feel you, I used to do that a lot. For me, I see it as helping someone and being compassionate, but often people feel that sharing creates a bond or an intensity that they either want to continue or develop. I had an online fling with a married man that started off exactly as you describe, it was never flirtation or sex because he was very religious but it did cross a line.

[bluechick]

I feel you, I used to do that a lot. For me, I see it as helping someone and being compassionate, but often people feel that sharing creates a bond or an intensity that they either want to continue or develop. I had an online fling with a married man that started off exactly as you describe, it was never flirtation or sex because he was very religious but it did cross a line.

Fuck.  Grrrrr.  Now I'm all pissed at myself.

[Titania]

Don't be, something bothered you, you noticed, you questioned it and you acted constructively. I'd be proud of that!

[bluechick]

Don't be, something bothered you, you noticed, you questioned it and you acted constructively. I'd be proud of that!

Thanks!

[scatty]

I don't think that every guy who converses with a woman is looking for an affair.  That is just ridiculous.  I think some people's personal experience can color their responses.  I would not think he is looking to hook up, but he would be too much for me to handle.  I just think it's ignorant to assume this guys intentions are to get you in the sack, I mean, who would think that?  Maybe I am naive, but I get along with guys way easier than women with all their bullshit and assumptions.  It is what it is.  Not to say you are up for an intense friendship, I certainly would not be.  But to think every guy that says these things is looking for pussy, damn.  No wonder why guys are afraid to open up and forge deep friendships with us women.  Most of us make crazy assumptions, like we cannot be liked and respected for our souls and our character.  Damn!

[Cetkat]

I agree that it's weird.  But, it's hard to determine his reasons.

 

I'd just be blunt and say that you'd like to be on friendly terms and care about a relationship on that front, but that that's as far as you're interested going.  The friendship isn't going anywhere else than friendship, and that if he wants to pursue that... you do as well.

 

You may want to phrase it differently, but that's the main idea I'd want to get across.

 

The two things I can think of are,

 

a) he's been hurt before and want to make sure you actually care

b) he is asking in terms of a relationship more than friendship (either in agreement or not) and wants to know your intentions