My second time writing this the first one got accidentally deleted..grrr
So this time I'll keep it brief. I have suffered with depression since I was 8. I had suicidal thoughts by 11. Seen about 6 counselors and one child psychologist in my life, none of them helped. I believe my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance not situational, but proving this has been impossible so far. At 14 I was sexually abused (I never realised this til years later) and started smoking pot and drinking, and cutting. I've made 2 suicide attempts, weak ones at that. I'm scared of the pain and the possibility of not doing it right. I have two kids and that is the thing that has stopped me. By 17 I was taking LSD and ecstasy on a weekly, sometimes daily baisis for 2 years. I was also sleeping around and became obsessed with sex. At 18 I was in my first adult relationship with an older man who suffered from agoraphobia and bipolar. He was also a drunk who would get physically violent with me. This was on and off for 2 years, and in that time I also dated another alcoholic who was also violent. At 21 my grandfather died which sent me into a dark depression I've never really gotten out of. At the same time I was in two consecutive abusive relationships. The last one left me an alcoholic and sent me into a serious of one nights stands and black out, where I couldn't remember what I had done the night before. I sought some help and not long after became pregnant to my current partner which is when I last had any sort of counselling.
I'm 30 now and for the last 3 years have been on and off efexor. Initially I was on 75mg which made me feel too apathetic so I took myself off them, only to spiral down again. Earlier last year I found that things were getting tough and my dose was increased to 150mg. Things have been getting progressively worse since then. NYE was breaking point for me I called the mental health triage service and was referred to the accute services team in my area. This is where my story leads up to the events of today which I need to get down in writing.
Four phonecalls and two 30 minute appointments with pysch docs over two weeks. By this time my episode had passed and I was in stasis, my mood was low but not erratic, my dose was increased to 225mg. The accute team palmed me back off to my useless GP, saying I had depression brought on by stress. They promised that they would send a detailed report to my GP. I waited a week and went to see my GP, she had nothing from them. I told her the effexor was not working and that I didn't like the side effects I was having. She decreased me back to 150mg of effexor and put me on half a tablet of Avanza in the evenings. I'd been taking it for 5 nights and it was actually helping me sleep. Since July I have lost 25kg (I'm australian sorry not sure what that is in pounds), I barely eat, when I do sleep it's usually past noon. I can lay there for hours with my thoughts racing.
I have been self medicating with alcohol and marijuana for the last 9 months. When I don't smoke pot I have horrible/crazy/fucked up dreams that are so intense I have problems distinguishing my real life from my dream life, mainly in my emotions. Emotions stirred up in my dreams carry over into my waking life. Despite being fairly even for the last few weeks, I've still been thinking about how to kill myself at least twice a day. Today I woke up and had to make a phone call to the vet who stuffed me around about my dog. After two hours or calling I finally get through to be told sorry too busy to talk to you. This set me off, I started screaming, crying. Punched a hole in the wall, banged my head so many times I have a painful lump. Meanwhile my partner is telling me to stop putting it on. He soon realised I wasn't doing this for attention. The accute team told me if I have any more issues to call back.
So I called them who just put me back through to the triage line, who said they'd get back to me and to call the ED if it gets bad. My partner then called them and said this isn't good enough because I was still raging. He told them I had a gun and was coming to shoot the place down as I was so pissed off about how I was being ignored. I was pissed off but the gun thing was just an exaggeration to get them to listen. Not a wise move on his part. This elicited a code black response and I had three officers rock up at my door with capsicum spray out and ready. They called an ambulance and sent me to the emergency department. The paramedics were wonderful I must say.
I was told that I would be assessed by a pysch at the hospital. Instead I was sat in a room with a man who I thought was this doctor. It soon became apparent he was just the intake manager or whatever and wasn't even a head doctor (literally), to make things worse he was new at the hospital I'm thinking first day by his apparent confusion as to what room I was in. He suggested I have borderline personality disorder (which when I searched about it, I fit all of the 9 diagnosis markers), I said thank you because I'm sick of being told it's just depression. For a moment I actually thought I was going to finally get the help I so desperately need. He then outlined the options, going into the psych ward or just organising to see a psych doc. He then says but I wont bother to admit you because they would just releas you within hours since there's nothing really wrong with you (since I hadn't self harmed by way of suicide attempt). He then asks me, what do you want us to do. I told him how I want a diagnosis from a real doctor and a care plan that started now, not in several weeks or months. He then told me to go back to my GP for that. After I had explained to him my GP had already written out a mental health plan (it allows low income people like me 12 free psych sessions) but had failed to include accurate information or a refferral letter. The so called plan thing said I have anxiety from financial stress, and that my dog died several months ago, and that I was on the incorrect dosage than what I'm actually on. She didn't listen to a word I said because none of that was accurate.
The guy at the hospital then started writing down a so called plan for me on a piece of paper. After 5 minutes of silence (usually I would just stay silent, but not in my current state) I said "dude I'm getting pretty pissed off here, I have a feeling you are going to hand me that piece of paper and say see ya later." he said "yes I am", and again asked me what I wanted him to do. By this point I exploded screamed the whole place down threatening to smash him and everyone in the fucking place. I had earlier explained to him that the GP had given me 5mg of valium, but that I was trying to avoid taking them as they turned me into a space cadet and I couldn't drive or function after a few days, as they have a cumulative effect (wish this worked with pain medication which I have an unusually high tolerance for). He then turned around and said to me you smoke pot so what's the problem? Two totally different feelings from being high and being zombified. At this stage I was still obviously mad so he made me take a valium. I said to him "so what am I going to do when I run out of these? and I can't get anymore as they are addictive. No real response, he went and got me some water to down the pill. He came back and said he had a meeting in 15 minutes so he'll quickly bring my partner in. So my partner comes in and can straight away see by my face that I'd been palmed off yet again. He was very stern but not abusive, the guy cut him off and demanded he listen to him. My partner said no I'm not listening until I get my point across, the guy simply got up and walked out of the room.
So we left with me screaming as I walked out threatening to smash the place. No one stopped me, no one called after to check on my welfare, and the cops never came back. The valium I took hasn't done shit other than make my head foggy. I'm still angry as fuck, wired, and totally on edge. I came home and started looking up how much valium I would need to overdose and other ways to fuck myself up. I have done everything I can to get help and be diagnosed. I keep getting put in the too hard basket, I'm not nuts enough to admit but I'm too nuts for simply counselling.
Which leads me to this forum. I'd love to hear opinions on what my above symptoms may point to. Ask questions, I'll happily answer. If by chance there is anyone here from the south eastern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia, I'd love to hear any recommendations for psych docs. Looks like I'm left to sort this all out for myself, without a referral I'm not going to get far. A friend recommended a GP that I'm calling first thing tomorrow. I'm scared that once again I"m going to get shafted, and I'm scared of what I will do if that happens. I'm so close to the edge but no one wants to see it or help me. I feel so lost, I just want to be normal