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I need a diagnosis not piece of useless paper!


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#1 lost_girl

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 09:01 AM

My second time writing this the first one got accidentally deleted..grrr

 

So this time I'll keep it brief. I have suffered with depression since I was 8. I had suicidal thoughts by 11. Seen about 6 counselors and one child psychologist in my life, none of them helped. I believe my depression is caused by a chemical imbalance not situational, but proving this has been impossible so far. At 14 I was sexually abused (I never realised this til years later) and started smoking pot and drinking, and cutting. I've made 2 suicide attempts, weak ones at that. I'm scared of the pain and the possibility of not doing it right. I have two kids and that is the thing that has stopped me. By 17 I was taking LSD and ecstasy on a weekly, sometimes daily baisis for 2 years. I was also sleeping around and became obsessed with sex. At 18 I was in my first adult relationship with an older man who suffered from agoraphobia and bipolar. He was also a drunk who would get physically violent with me. This was on and off for 2 years, and in that time I also dated another alcoholic who was also violent. At 21 my grandfather died which sent me into a dark depression I've never really gotten out of. At the same time I was in two consecutive abusive relationships. The last one left me an alcoholic and sent me into a serious of one nights stands and black out, where I couldn't remember what I had done the night before. I sought some help and not long after became pregnant to my current partner which is when I last had any sort of counselling. 

 

I'm 30 now and for the last 3 years have been on and off efexor. Initially I was on 75mg which made me feel too apathetic so I took myself off them, only to spiral down again. Earlier last year I found that things were getting tough and my dose was increased to 150mg. Things have been getting progressively worse since then. NYE was breaking point for me I called the mental health triage service and was referred to the accute services team in my area. This is where my story leads up to the events of today which I need to get down in writing.

 

Four phonecalls and two 30 minute appointments with pysch docs over two weeks. By this time my episode had passed and I was in stasis, my mood was low but not erratic, my dose was increased to 225mg. The accute team palmed me back off to my useless GP, saying I had depression brought on by stress. They promised that they would send a detailed report to my GP. I waited a week and went to see my GP, she had nothing from them. I told her the effexor was not working and that I didn't like the side effects I was having. She decreased me back to 150mg of effexor and put me on half a tablet of Avanza in the evenings. I'd been taking it for 5 nights and it was actually helping me sleep. Since July I have lost 25kg (I'm australian sorry not sure what that is in pounds), I barely eat, when I do sleep it's usually past noon. I can lay there for hours with my thoughts racing.

 

I have been self medicating with alcohol and marijuana for the last 9 months. When I don't smoke pot I have horrible/crazy/fucked up dreams that are so intense I have problems distinguishing my real life from my dream life, mainly in my emotions. Emotions stirred up in my dreams carry over into my waking life. Despite being fairly even for the last few weeks, I've still been thinking about how to kill myself at least twice a day. Today I woke up and had to make a phone call to the vet who stuffed me around about my dog. After two hours or calling I finally get through to be told sorry too busy to talk to you. This set me off, I started screaming, crying. Punched a hole in the wall, banged my head so many times I have a painful lump. Meanwhile my partner is telling me to stop putting it on. He soon realised I wasn't doing this for attention. The accute team told me if I have any more issues to call back. 

 

So I called them who just put me back through to the triage line, who said they'd get back to me and to call the ED if it gets bad. My partner then called them and said this isn't good enough because I was still raging. He told them I had a gun and was coming to shoot the place down as I was so pissed off about how I was being ignored. I was pissed off but the gun thing was just an exaggeration to get them to listen. Not a wise move on his part. This elicited a code black response and I had three officers rock up at my door with capsicum spray out and ready. They called an ambulance and sent me to the emergency department. The paramedics were wonderful I must say. 

 

I was told that I would be assessed by a pysch at the hospital. Instead I was sat in a room with a man who I thought was this doctor. It soon became apparent he was just the intake manager or whatever and wasn't even a head doctor (literally), to make things worse he was new at the hospital I'm thinking first day by his apparent confusion as to what room I was in. He suggested I have borderline personality disorder (which when I searched about it, I fit all of the 9 diagnosis markers), I said thank you because I'm sick of being told it's just depression. For a moment I actually thought I was going to finally get the help I so desperately need. He then outlined the options, going into the psych ward or just organising to see a psych doc. He then says but I wont bother to admit you because they would just releas you within hours since there's nothing really wrong with you (since I hadn't self harmed by way of suicide attempt). He then asks me, what do you want us to do. I told him how I want a diagnosis from a real doctor and a care plan that started now, not in several weeks or months. He then told me to go back to my GP for that. After I had explained to him my GP had already written out a mental health plan (it allows low income people like me 12 free psych sessions) but had failed to include accurate information or a refferral letter. The so called plan thing said I have anxiety from financial stress, and that my dog died several months ago, and that I was on the incorrect dosage than what I'm actually on. She didn't listen to a word I said because none of that was accurate. 

 

The guy at the hospital then started writing down a so called plan for me on a piece of paper. After 5 minutes of silence (usually I would just stay silent, but not in my current state) I said "dude I'm getting pretty pissed off here, I have a feeling you are going to hand me that piece of paper and say see ya later." he said "yes I am", and again asked me what I wanted him to do. By this point I exploded screamed the whole place down threatening to smash him and everyone in the fucking place. I had earlier explained to him that the GP had given me 5mg of valium, but that I was trying to avoid taking them as they turned me into a space cadet and I couldn't drive or function after a few days, as they have a cumulative effect (wish this worked with pain medication which I have an unusually high tolerance for). He then turned around and said to me you smoke pot so what's the problem? Two totally different feelings from being high and being zombified. At this stage I was still obviously mad so he made me take a valium. I said to him "so what am I going to do when I run out of these? and I can't get anymore as they are addictive. No real response, he went and got me some water to down the pill. He came back and said he had a meeting in 15 minutes so he'll quickly bring my partner in. So my partner comes in and can straight away see by my face that I'd been palmed off yet again. He was very stern but not abusive, the guy cut him off and demanded he listen to him. My partner said no I'm not listening until I get my point across, the guy simply got up and walked out of the room. 

So we left with me screaming as I walked out threatening to smash the place. No one stopped me, no one called after to check on my welfare, and the cops never came back. The valium I took hasn't done shit other than make my head foggy. I'm still angry as fuck, wired, and totally on edge. I came home and started looking up how much valium I would need to overdose and other ways to fuck myself up. I have done everything I can to get help and be diagnosed. I keep getting put in the too hard basket, I'm not nuts enough to admit but I'm too nuts for simply counselling. 

 

Which leads me to this forum. I'd love to hear opinions on what my above symptoms may point to. Ask questions, I'll happily answer. If by chance there is anyone here from the south eastern suburbs of Melbourne, Australia, I'd love to hear any recommendations for psych docs. Looks like I'm left to sort this all out for myself, without a referral I'm not going to get far. A friend recommended a GP that I'm calling first thing tomorrow. I'm scared that once again I"m going to get shafted, and I'm scared of what I will do if that happens. I'm so close to the edge but no one wants to see it or help me. I feel so lost, I just want to be normal  :(

 




#2 wj74

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 10:40 AM

Honestly, if you are that bad off, you need a good pdoc and a trip to the emergency room if you are wanting to OD. You don't sound in a good way at all. Maybe the GP can help you with a good referral. I wouldn't rely on the GP for meds.

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#3 CrazySoprano

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:13 AM

I am so sorry about what you're going through.  I don't know anything about the health care system in Australia so I can't offer any advice, but I want you to know that someone out there is reading your story.  Please keep us updated.


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#4 Titania

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 12:48 PM

Some thoughts:

 

Have you tried to keep a diary or log of what you suffer? Sometimes it is easier to get it across to a doctor when you have a pattern written down than just trying to communicate in a crisis moment.

 

It sounds like you feel ignored and blamed. Can you pick a time when you do feel calm to bring your partner and ask your GP for more help?

 

Are there any advocacy or voluntary sector organisations that can give you emotional support?

 

Are there any substance abuse places you can try? It sounds like you are understandably self medicating, but often using illegal substances like that can make accessing treatment harder unless that is being addressed.

 

Can you get rid of the gun? It's ridiculous to have one if you are this aggressive and out of control.


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#5 bluelikejazz

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 05:14 PM

It sounds like you really desperately need some help.

If I were in your shoes and could financially do it, I'd join up to top private hospital health insurance. After two months you can then go inpatient to private hospital (MUCH better than the public system) and would also cover ongoing day groups for dialectical behaviour therapy, which sounds like it would be very useful whether or not you do have BPD. A private hospital can help with drug and alcohol issues too. 

 

In the meantime,  you can see a psychologist using the mental care plan you have no matter what is written on it. I'd do that as soon as possible. If you feel you are in crisis and want to talk to somebody you can call lifeline on 131114. Actually, if nobody else is listening it may be worth calling anyway and they can help you make a safety plan for what to do if you feel suicidal or like harming yourself. 


PMDD, PTSD and MDD.


rx: Amitryptaline 125mg Seroquel XR 100mg, Lithium 750mg.
 

 

I'm not a mental health professional but I am a pretty awesome amateur (talk to an actual pro rather than taking my advice)

 

 


#6 lost_girl

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 08:49 PM

Thanks all for the responses... it's gonna take me a while to get the hang of this forum lol

 

Titania- excellent idea I will start keeping a diary today.  I'm taking my partner with me when I see this new GP, hopefully he can help me explain what I'm like. I forgot to mention that I've been to the substance abuse we call it PENDAP, I've been waiting for 3 weeks for them to call me back for counselling, they didn't see my drug use as an immediate problem. And don't worry we don't actually own a gun, my partner was stupid to say that but at least it got a response. 

 

 

bluelikejazz - Unfortunately our financial position won't allow me to get private health, probably not until next year. But it's something I know I'm going to need. I did call suicide line and life line yesterday, who both told me to go the ED again or call back if I need someone to talk to. I was so exhausted I managed to fall asleep ok last night. 

 

Last night I called a pyschologist, and have an appointment for next Wednesday, it was the soonest I could get in. I'm not too sure what I should do during this week if things get that bad again. Maybe going back to the hospital is the only option, at least that way it will create a paper trail and show that I have contacted all these places and am still not getting the help I need. 

 

The system here is so messed up. My local hospital is apparently meeting all it's targets for mental health patients, what a joke. A nurse quit 2 years ago after working in the pysch ward there, they used bullying tactics against patients. Forcing them to submit to electric shock therapy, locking bathrooms, putting people in isolation for no good reason etc. Not the type of place I want to end up, but as a public patient it is my only option. There are other hospitals but they work on catchment areas, I don't live in their zones so they wont treat me. My last option would be the mental health unit at the major hospital in the city, problem is you have to be very high care to even get in there. 

 

I'm still so furious as to how I was treated yesterday. Today I have appointments, things I have to do, I'm doing them but it's a struggle. Trying to pretend to everyone that I'm ok when all I want to do is break down cry is draining. 



#7 mcjimjam

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 10:50 PM

http://www.spectrumbpd.com.au/

 

This is an organization in Ringwood that treats people with BPD. I think they offer group and individual therapy as well as an inpatient facility. It's says you need a referall from AHMS, which is strange. So contacting Spectrum directly or your local AHMS might be a good idea if you're unsure of where to turn. 

 

I think until you can get in to see a psych crisis care and your GP are responsible for you so don't be afraid to book lots of GP between now and then and keep bugging the crisis team. You sound to me as if you are in crisis, you deserve their help while you wait to see someone privately. 

 

Best wishes from a fellow Melbournite. 

 

ETA: Forgot to say that program is fully government-funded, I don't think there's any out of pocket cost.


Edited by mcjimjam, 29 January 2013 - 10:51 PM.

Dx: BP2, ADD, anxiety
Rx: Lithium 1250mg (0.9mEq/L)
, Cymbalta 120mg, Concerta 36mg, Remeron 15mg, Inderal 10mg, Valium 10-20mg


#8 lost_girl

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:33 PM

Thank you so much mcjimjam AHMS what is that sorry? I don't think you mean the aborignal housing management support. 

 

I've called the health commisioner and the patient liason officer at Frankston hospital, they agreed with me that he shouldn't have said he had a meeting to go to in 15 minutes and he should have granted my request to see the pyschologist at the hospital. They're looking into it. If they don' t do anything then I'm making a written complaint to the health commisioner. I'll take it as far as I have to, they are messing with the wrong person. Kick me when I'm down and I'll get back up and kick you harder. 



#9 lost_girl

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:40 PM

Oh never mind I see what you mean. I need to get Frankston to refer me. What a joke...I really hope this pdoc I"m seeing next week knows his stuff. 


Edited by lost_girl, 29 January 2013 - 11:47 PM.


#10 scatty

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:40 PM

I think BPD is best managed with therapy (specifically DBT) but ADS and AAPs can be used to control the depression and rage.  I would look into a DBT class, day programs and intensive outpatient services.  I'm sorry you had to go through that.


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#11 mcjimjam

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Posted 29 January 2013 - 11:42 PM

Good on you for standing up for yourself.

 

Sorry, I meant AMHS. Adult Mental Health Service. They're public clinics, the crisis team you saw might have been part of one. I think there's one in Dandenong and probably Frankston too.


Dx: BP2, ADD, anxiety
Rx: Lithium 1250mg (0.9mEq/L)
, Cymbalta 120mg, Concerta 36mg, Remeron 15mg, Inderal 10mg, Valium 10-20mg


#12 lost_girl

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Posted 30 January 2013 - 03:19 AM

Thanks scatty for the info, can I ask what the acronyms stand for? I've seen mention of DBT but I'm not sure what it is. I totally agree that I need therapy to learn how to deal with my emotions. I'm not sure what the difference between a mood stabilizer and an anti depressant is. I barely know anything about the drugs used.

 

These are the ones I've tried in the past, cymbalta, pristiq (most evil drug of all this sent me completely nuts), effexor, zoloft. The only one that worked for me was effexor which I feel is not working anymore and in fact making me worse. And of course the latest one Avanza. What I want is lithium and something else to stabalise the moods.

 

mcjimjam - I'd say the clinic in Davey St Frankston is the AMHS for this area. They were completely useless, both doctors there said there was nothing wrong with me just a bit of depression. And they were the one's that called the code black and greatly exaggerated to the police what my partner has actually said. Funny that they haven't called me either to check on my welfare. Really great system we have here. 

 

I've told a few people what happened yesterday. My course coordinator (I'm studying a Bachelor Degree final year), and two associates that I'm working with on a project at the moment. And I told one friend. This one friend said by text "oh that's no good", that was it. I basically don't have any friends, the people I hang out with occasionally are just acquaintances. The person who I truly call a friend is really no friend at all, our other mutual friend is the bestie. I'm the third or fourth in line that she comes to when shit goes south for her. And I've always been there. Back in September when things really started to get bad, I deleted them both from Facebook. I explained that I was doing it because I'm sick to death of communicating with apparent friends on a computer. If they give a shit they will call me and come see me. Guess what....didn't see or hear from them for months. So now I'm washing my hands with the whole lot. A true friend would at least attempt to check in and see how I am, or offer to take me out. I had to drop major hints to even get an invite to their NYE party. And I'm apparently a valued friend? They can all get fucked.

 

Same as the people who pretend to be my friends at school. They smile and play nice, but then you see the snide looks they give each other when I talk to them. They don't like me, backstabbing bitches. I get on with the guys there, but they don't like me much either. So this year everyone can get fucked, I wont be helping people with there projects, giving advice, or saying how great their work is. Why should I go out of my way for people, when none of them will lift a hand to help me?  I'm obviously in a "very angry at the whole world" mood at the moment. Instead of posting statuses on Facebook I've taken to posting songs that explain how I"m feeling. Such as fuck the system, I still don't give a fuck, Fuck you, and Break Stuff. I'd delete my profile completely if I didn't need it for school. I've deleted everyone I don't give a shit about other than fellow students, family, and people I actually want to stay in touch with. 

Thanks for reading, in a way this sort of is my diary of what I'm feeling like. It's good to get it down in words. 



#13 Likeabowlof0ranges

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Posted 30 January 2013 - 07:01 AM

Hey I live in Australia, I see you've encountered problems with the public hospital. They hate hospitalising people, because basically there isn't enough money. And most of the time if they hospitalise you it's a 72 hour hold and then they want to release you into the community with a 'care plan'. The longest I've spent in a public hospital is ten days. Private hospital is likely to keep you for longer. With my health insurance you have to be paying premiums for two months before you can claim any stays in hospital. About the psychologist, you can apply for up to 16 visits once you use up 12, you need your psychologist and GP to agree that your case is 'complex'.  I hope you get some people on your team soon.


Bipolar Disorder I, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety, somewhere on the aspergers/autism spectrum, non - verbal learning disorder, EDNOS
Current Meds: Seroquel 650 mg, Lamicital 350mg, Ativan 3mg, Abilify 10mg, Temazepam 30mg, Klonopin PRN <p>Previous Meds: Lithium, Zoloft, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Pristiq

#14 crtclms

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Posted 30 January 2013 - 12:44 PM

lost_girl, maybe part of the problem with your friends' not contacting you is that you essentially gave them an ultimatum. You created a litmus test ("if you really cared about me, you'd call"), instead of making a genuine attempt to reach out. Not a good idea if you are looking for reconciliation.

 

When you say to someone "Do what I want, or else I won't consider you to be my friend," a lot of people's response is going to be, "Okay, I choose the "or else" option." Most people don't like being ordered around.


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Currently Shelved: Abilify; Amerge; Anaprox; Atenolol; Buspar; Cafergot; Cymbalta; Depakote; Di-Hydro-ergotamine, injected; Gabapentin; Geodon; Imitrex Tablets; Klonopin; Maxalt; Namenda; Nortriptyline; Norvasc; Propranolol; Prozac; Risperidone; Relpax; Sansert; Sumatriptan injectables; Tegretol; Trazadone; Zoloft; Zolpidem; Zomig; Zonegran


Affectations can be dangerous. -Gertrude Stein

 

I moderate Bipolar, Panic/Anxiety, Dissociative Disorders, Migraine, Seizures, Not Otherwise Specified, Anticonvulsants, Side Effects, Family Feud, and I Still Have Issues. Remember, I am not a medical professional. PM me if you have any questions


#15 bluelikejazz

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 07:22 AM

 About the psychologist, you can apply for up to 16 visits once you use up 12, you need your psychologist and GP to agree that your case is 'complex'.  I hope you get some people on your team soon.

 

Unfortunately this is no longer the case, in 2013 10 sessions is the absolute maximum, no extra sessions for extreme circumstances. However if you have a chronic health condition as well you may be able to claim 5 sessions on a separate plan (not a mental health plan), but the rebate is only $50. 


PMDD, PTSD and MDD.


rx: Amitryptaline 125mg Seroquel XR 100mg, Lithium 750mg.
 

 

I'm not a mental health professional but I am a pretty awesome amateur (talk to an actual pro rather than taking my advice)

 

 


#16 Likeabowlof0ranges

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 07:33 AM

Oh sorry about that, I got sixteen last year, but I paid out of pocket for like 10 more. I'm trying not to think about the cost urghh. I hope things turn around real soon.
Bipolar Disorder I, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety, somewhere on the aspergers/autism spectrum, non - verbal learning disorder, EDNOS
Current Meds: Seroquel 650 mg, Lamicital 350mg, Ativan 3mg, Abilify 10mg, Temazepam 30mg, Klonopin PRN <p>Previous Meds: Lithium, Zoloft, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Pristiq

#17 lost_girl

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 09:50 PM

Everything has come to a head the cops are coming again 



#18 water

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 10:09 PM

What happened?  Are you ok?


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#19 Likeabowlof0ranges

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 10:24 PM

I hope your okay and get some help, I'm sorry that the police are involved. Update us if you feel up to it.


Bipolar Disorder I, generalised anxiety disorder, social anxiety, somewhere on the aspergers/autism spectrum, non - verbal learning disorder, EDNOS
Current Meds: Seroquel 650 mg, Lamicital 350mg, Ativan 3mg, Abilify 10mg, Temazepam 30mg, Klonopin PRN <p>Previous Meds: Lithium, Zoloft, Lexapro, Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Pristiq

#20 lost_girl

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Posted 31 January 2013 - 10:47 PM

Today I just woke up and went nuts again. All these things that I have to sort out on my own, I just can't handle it. My daughter can't go to school since she has no uniform and we have no money for lunch. I still can't get my dog fixed ( I have a legal undertaking that I have to do it) I don't have the money. My daughter has broken glasses and poor vision, I can't do anything to help her. This Family first organisation is meant to be helping us, but I've been on a waiting list for 4 weeks for a case manager. They are meant to offer early intervention support so that child services and the police don't need to be involved. Instead she called the cops and put in the complaint with child services, who I'm sure will be the next people to rock up or call me today.  Explained this all to the police and they left with the promise they would refer me to who ever they can. Got a message 10 minutes after they had left to say I had been referred to another agency. Least the cops did there job, I have more respect for them. 

 

I contacted all the appropriate agencies begging for early intervention so things didn't get to this point, now I have to worry about the risk of my children getting taken away from me because no one has stepped in and helped stop things from getting to this point. It honestly would be better if I wasn't alive, my children would be much happier and better looked after. 

 

I'm not taking my meds, just the valium to try and keep calm. I looked up what the interactions with my medication can cause and it wasn't good. I've been put on two drugs that shouldn't be prescribed together. 

 

I"m so stressed about the only getting 10 sessions thing, I can't get private health and I can't afford to pay out of pocket for sessions. There is no way my issues are going to be solved in 10 sessions. This is so hopeless, I can feel myself getting closer and closer to the edge. I'm doing everything I can to keep myself from doing something stupid, that's why I"m wasting my time calling agencies for support and making a huge paper trail to prove it. My case is the one that will break this stupid system and make people wake up. 

And as for the whole friend thing I didn't make an ultimatum and I didn't use those exact words. Who cares, if they were real friends they would be calling. I have very little trust or faith in people at the moment. 

 

I'm am very unstable at the moment, but they don't see it as being unstable enough to admit me. I was actually told the only way I will get seen to is if I present to the emergency department with a large gash in my wrist. I've found a place that offers advocary, I don't know if they are worth calling. It seems I just have to sit here and play this waiting game while there is real risk that I'm an going to harm myself. The guy yesterday didn't even touch on the suicidal thoughts. Can't wait to actually get a copy of my file under freedom of information act. 

Seriously worried about what happens when I run out of Valium tomorrow, it is the only thing that is helping right now. I'm keeping a mood diary that outlines how I've been feeling and things I've tried to do to get better that hasn't worked. 
 







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