O.K. Back Story ..
I started taking Klonipin at 19-20 years old. Since I was 12 I knew "something was wrong" yet my Mom always assured me I was fine. Probably because she didn't want to admit something was wrong with me. One of the overwhelming features of my illness is the chronic and debilitating anxiety. I was very successful early in life and ran a business from home. So I didn't "need" to leave or interact with others.
I stayed completely home bound for nearly two years. I would run out at 3:00 AM to walmart to spend money on DVD movies and stuff. Girlfriend would get groceries. No need to leave. It sucked though, and I wanted to get better.
Finally went to pdoc and was prescribed xanax. Begrudgingly I took it. I did some research and found it was addictive so went to pdoc and explained why I wanted a different med even though it helped greatly. I was put on ... Klonopin. Took it daily for years. Prescribed ROUGHLY the same dose the entire time.
I am in recover from drugs and alcohol because I used heavily while on klonopin. Very Heavily. It was not pretty. However I was leaving the house and living. I still didn't understand my radical mood changes were due to BP. I decided to quit Cold Turkey. Somehow after multiple complete and total nervous breakdowns over a 4-5 month period I am still off of them, it was 9 months yesterday in fact.
Problem is since getting off them .. as well as all drugs and alcohol .. I am pretty much back to square one. I do have some MILD anxiety relief from the lithium but my anxiety and agorophobia and becoming increasingly worse. I rarely leave home. When I do I feel like I am in an alternate reality the anxiety is so strong. Then come the full blown panic attacks along with that.
I am very seriously considering going back on the Klonopin when I go to pdoc on the 13th .. But I struggly with it. It was incredibly difficult to get off of. The fact remains this may well be a medication I need for the rest of my life though. While I know it helps immensely with my condition I also know it is FAR from a fix it all - and does lead to chronic urges to use other substances recreationally. Mainly I believe because it does lower my inhibition.
Anyone else in, or was in, a similar condition ? I'm just so torn with my addictive past whether this is something I am "rationalizing taking" because I want relief from anxiety I should work through other ways. Everyone in my life keeps telling me "I have that problem too" or "You just need to work harder on non medical recovery" and to be honest I would love to tell them to Fuck Off - But I am losing even that fight in me. I have become more accepting of it. But I am slightly resentful when I hear amything along those lines spoken. I think I give up .. on being understood .. ever .. To be quite honest.