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Sexually abused as child/Abusive marriage/Raped by now ex - Need counseling - Appt not until end of March


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#1 CatLady82

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Posted 04 February 2013 - 08:54 PM

Hi. Background: I was sexually abused by my brothers friend when I was a child... about 8-10 years old. I attempted to tell an adult but they told me I was lying. I never mentioned it again. Also, was touched inappropriately at a doctors office as a kid and told my mom about it and she told me what i was saying couldn't be true. So I never mentioned that again. Fast forward (now i'm 30), was in a 3 year marriage with someone who ended up being extremely mentally abusive constantly putting me down and making me feel worthless. He also violently raped me about half way through our relationship. I never reported the incident. The abuse kept going until finally june 2012 I somehow got strong enough to leave him even though it was the hardest thing because he kept begging me to come back to him. He tried every approach - the nice guy, the mean guy, tried to make me jealous, tried to affect my job, tried talking to people that work with me... He threatened me saying things like "You'll pay" and "Eventually you'll have to walk around a dark corner". I started having nightmares about him physically or emotionally hurting me. I also had other nightmares that had nothing to do with him, but they were still terrible nightmares. A lot of them were about death. After the divorce was final in september 2012 my ex was harassing me at work by making false claims to my boss about me (he stated while we were getting divorced he was going to try to get me fired). I told my boss it was BS and put up with it for awhile even though it bugged the shit outta me. The last straw was when my ex had his boss come talk to my boss about the things "i was doing". I broke down in tears in my bosses office after and then decided to email his command and told them that they were harassing me, that my ex was extremely abusive and that they were helping him continue to abuse me, and that he raped me. Well they immediately reported this to the police, which i didn't think would happen, and i was told they are doing a full investigation of the rape whether i participate or not. So I went ahead and told them everything. It felt good to finally get out the truth to someone. But now that the investigation has been going on for 2 months i am starting to really stress about it to the point where I'm having trouble sleeping through the night. I'm afraid he's going to walk into my office one day and shoot me. i told the police that I'm scared and was able to get a protective order. I'm afraid now he has nothing to lose if this investigation goes to trial and he gets in trouble. I have a hard time sleeping now, I try not to worry at work but its always in the back of my mind. I'm super depressed (have been for about 3 years now), barely leave my house from the depression... I just feel completely hopeless and scared. I'm stil trying to recover from all the other abuse I went through for 3 years. I called every counselor/psychologist that my insurance accepts and all of them told me it would be the end of March before they could see me. I do have an appt with a psychiatrist tomorrow morning though in hopes of getting something for the depression. Anyone have any ideas of what I can do to help myself get through this?? 




#2 tryp

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Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:01 PM


I am so sorry that you are hurting so much - you have clearly survived a great deal and you have a lot of strength. It is really crappy that you have to wait until March when you are suffering so much. I hope that the appointment tomorrow will help at least a little bit. I encourage you to keep calling people, keep saying you are in crisis and keep asking to be seen earlier. Sometimes a cancellation comes up.

Is there a sexual assault crisis centre where you live? Often they will have a phone line that you can call when you need to talk and that helps tide some people over until they can get into therapy. They may also have support groups and other resources that could be of help to you. There are also sometimes domestic violence centres that serve a similar function and you would likely be eligible for services from both.

Edited by tryp, 05 March 2013 - 04:43 PM.

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#3 CatLady82

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Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:12 PM

Yes I am hurting a lot. I dont know how I've managed to continue at my job, but somehow I do. I know it was a strong thing for me to do to finally leave him and to tell the police about the rape, but i feel so weak inside. I'm hoping counseling can help me return to who i used to be... actually better then who I used to be. I do have a victim advocate so I will try to talk to her again about trying to help me find counseling. 



#4 tryp

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Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:16 PM

I think that's a good idea.  I also really recommend looking into any crisis centres around you - they often have services to help bridge the gap.

 

And feel free to keep posting here - there are many people here who are willing to support you and lend an ear.


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#5 Lauren1083

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Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:22 PM

Also, maybe the psychiatrist that you are going to see can get you in someplace sooner. It's always worth a try. One piece of advice which I dont think you will have a problem doing is just continue to be honest about what has happened.

 

I say this because for a while I was putting on a fake act in therapy that everything was alright but then I'd come home and be soo angry at myself that I didnt address the issues that I wanted to. I'm not really sure why I couldnt open up and be honest but now I realize how important it is. So thats my only advice for you. And I agree with the previous poster who said that you have soo much strength - just remember that!! And I know you will be able to get through this.


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#6 CatLady82

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Posted 04 February 2013 - 09:29 PM

Yeah I see where not being honest about the terrible things that were going on in my life got me. After being interviewed about my ex for 5 hours by the police I won't have a problem talking about it to a therapist.. One thing though... i still haven't told my family about it. They know my ex was an ass but they don't know about the rape or that there is even a rape investigation going on. I live by myself 1500 miles from any family and i just don't want them to freak out. I know if i told them they wouldn't leave me alone about moving back home or they would be constantly stressed that i am so far away and in the same town as him. They have lots of stress in their lives right now. I can't bring myself to telling them. 



#7 WinterRosie

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Posted 05 February 2013 - 08:27 AM

You have control over who you tell. If you don't want to tell them for whatever reason, you don't have to.

Si nous ne sommes pas pro-nous-autres, nous sommes anti-nous-autres.

A diamond is just a piece of coal that handled stress exceptionally well. Oh well, there's always cubic zirconia. 

 

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#8 CatLady82

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Posted 05 February 2013 - 10:56 AM

Jut got out of the psychiatry appt. was prescribed 25mg of Amitriptyline to start with (tried lots of ADs before with severe agitation, restlessness & insomnia). The dr also said he would do counseling once a week with me. Im excited now i dont have to wait 2 months. Is it normal for a psychiatrist to do counseling also?

#9 WinterRosie

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Posted 05 February 2013 - 11:30 AM

Some do it. I think that some other members have mentioned it.

You might want to start a new thread to ask that question, though?

 

I'm glad that you were listened to, and that you don't have to wait months and months to be heard again.


Si nous ne sommes pas pro-nous-autres, nous sommes anti-nous-autres.

A diamond is just a piece of coal that handled stress exceptionally well. Oh well, there's always cubic zirconia. 

 

Note: Staff are here to think with you, not for you. Keep your thinking caps on. I've never been a doctor, not even in high school drama class, so you'll need to ask your own.

Boards I moderate: confessional, people suck, news/politics, dissociation, trauma + private, substance abuse, eating disorders


#10 sonicwhite

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Posted 05 February 2013 - 06:24 PM

Man, I am truly sorry for what all you have been thru. Hopefully you'll get some help from a doctor tomorrow I think you said. But, in the mean time chit chat with us and tell us everything that is going on....Get the feelings out and let us examine them but not give you the wrong advice. Your doc would be the one to do that. Like I said I'm sorry you had to go thru what you did...


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#11 CatLady82

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Posted 06 February 2013 - 03:58 PM

Thanks for the support.

Edited by CatLady82, 06 February 2013 - 05:20 PM.


#12 Brokendishes

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Posted 22 February 2013 - 02:34 PM

Cat, I'm so sorry you went through all of that. I relate to your situation as well...I was molested by an uncle when I was growing up, my father was very abusive, and my first husband sexually assaulted me while keeping me a virtual prisoner at home...We lived overseas in his country so it was incredibly difficult to escape but I did and made it home.  I didn't 'tell' for a few weeks, but had a complete and utter breakdown at my mom's feet and told her.  I did all kinds of therapy and different treatments, but all I can say is it takes time.  Mine was in 2005, and I'm still suffering from it today.  I feel like I've healed and gotten better in alot of ways as far as those old traumas go, but I still haven't fixed *me* in a way that I attract an appropriate mate.  My current husband is abusive, but I've had the sheriff involved twice now, so he knows I mean business. 

 

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone and that I can definitely relate to your situation!

Sending you positive vibes!! :)



#13 CatLady82

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Posted 05 March 2013 - 04:36 PM

Thanks for your response Brokendishes. Here's an update on my situation:

The investigation is over now. My ex-husband told the investigator that the rape did happen but it wasn't rape & that I consented. I dont know where he gets consent when I was begging him to stop, telling him it hurt and crying uncontrollably. BS! Looks like we may be going to trial. He's in the military so he falls under different rules. Since I'm a civilian in the army my boss got the information about the case. All of this has been extremely stressful for me. If it goes to trial it will be even harder.

Now on to the good news, the amitriptyline that I've been taking has helped a lot. This is my 5th week on it and just this week I noticed a difference. I've been feeling negative a lot less & just feel happier. It's great. Also I've been doing counseling every week but so far he just asks me a lot of questions, I don't feel like I've been "counseled". It's pretty just me talking to him about things that have happened, not much input from him. But I have been feeling better so I may give him more time to see.

Edited by CatLady82, 05 March 2013 - 04:41 PM.


#14 CatLady82

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Posted 01 June 2013 - 09:36 AM

Update: i had to get off the med because it staryed making me extremely emotional with dark depressing feelings. i did start feeling better though until he ended up getting "charged" with the crimes... not only the crime against me but his 1st wife as well. this went to article 32 hearing where I testified (basically a grand jury hearing). It was so hard having the defense attorney basically attack me, but i believe i held my ground. This was last week. since then im constantly anxious and having nightmares again and have trouble sleeping. Next step is we wait to see if they will efer this to an actual trial.... But I have a feeling I will not lose these symptoms until AFTER the trial and AFTER I complete more counseling.

Anyone know how to lessen these nightmares? I'm going to the dr on Monday to ask for Klonopin again.

#15 tryp

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Posted 01 June 2013 - 10:41 AM

I'm sorry that the medication didn't work well for you.  I'm not a doctor, but I personally have found prazosin to be very useful for my nightmares - it's a really old blood pressure pill that has recently been found to help a lot with nightmares related to PTSD.  It might be something to bring up or mention if the nightmares are really directly linked to trauma symptoms.  I tried almost every sleeping pill currently on the market and nothing else ever really did the trick.

 

It's true that getting the trial over with and getting further in therapy will probably be the eventual solution.  If counselling isn't working out for you in the long term you may want to consider finding a therapist who is really experienced in/specializes in working with trauma (if you haven't already).  But you're right that these things take time.

 

You are doing a really strong thing right now - I hope you know that.  Hang in there and keep posting if it helps.


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Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + therapy


#16 CatLady82

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Posted 01 June 2013 - 04:20 PM

Thanks is weight gain a possible side effect of prazosin? I gained over 10 lbs in the few weeks I was taking amitriptlyne

#17 tryp

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Posted 01 June 2013 - 04:22 PM

Not as far as I know.  The only "side effect" that it is really known for is dropping your blood pressure.  Which is actually the original therapeutic purpose.


Diag-nonsense: complex PTSD w/ recurrent depression
Tx: Lamictal (250) + prazosin (7.5) + therapy


#18 Brokendishes

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Posted 05 June 2013 - 03:08 PM

Hey Cat, just wanted to check in and see how you're doing?...
I can't believe how similar our stories are! My exH was exactly like yours unfortunately...mine also was abusive with his first wife....guess a leopard never changes its spots...

I hope that you have better luck with the courts than I did...I was supposed to return to his country to testify at trial--as if I'd ever go back there again?! It was traumatic enough trying to get out, no way was I going to go back... They took depositions here but I refused to go back there again. I hope that you stay strong when it comes time to go to court!

 

Did you get your klonopin btw? It should help with the trauma issues you're having. On the good news side of things, it does get better in time. I was totally non-functional at first, but after lots of therapy of different kinds,and meds, I'm a highly functioning crazy.lol j/k I am *way* better than I used to be and feel good about how far I've come..but I've stil got stuff I deal with. Believe me, it's nowhere near as bad as it was at first.

 

Hope you're hanging in there :)  

BD







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