I find that a few common reasons for such compulsions (not necessarily the reason for yours) are essentially just base emotions, where it gets fuzzy is in the situational details. Say you're angry and can't voice it for whatever reason, sad and have no one to talk to, happy and feel like you shouldn't be. Where a lot of us get caught in this rut of self destructive behavior is when we want SO BADLY to just do something, anything. We are emotionally charged but we don't seem to have any obvious options. I've known a good number of people to say more or less the same thing I have, "I can't hurt anyone else.. I can't change things.. I can't do anything, but if I'm only harming myself I have no one to apologize to, only myself, it's my decision, I can have this one little bit of control."
Sometimes.. it just comes down to wanting a little bit of power.. just the ability to do something. The one thing that is important to learn from the experience is that it never helps, it never fixes anything, it often makes things worse, and believe it or not... despite how things may seem.. there are ALWAYS options.
Maybe unrelated to yourself.. but around the same time another lesson slapped me in the face. Sometimes the best thing you can do is nothing at all, doing nothing with clear intent is often far more powerful than doing something drastic without reason. Hmm.. maybe another topic entirely.
I hope you find relief, regards.
Edited by Eden, 05 February 2013 - 04:28 AM.
New Dx: Psychosis NOS, MDD + Aspergers and ADHD Inattentive type w/ social anxiety.
Also: Celiac disease and chronic 'flavor of the week' insomnia.
-Scratch that, uncle Sam gave me a clean bill of health cuz I talk gud n stuff.
"Mankind are a herd of knaves and fools.
It is necessary to join the crowd, or get out of their way,
in order not to be trampled to death by them" William Hazlitt.
One does not simply walk into dictionary.