I tried to describe this before, I went for succinct initially and couldn't find the right words, next I attempted to just... describe it in detail, but paragraphs later I didn't feel that the nature of it was any clearer. So.. I will settle for short and insufficient, as that's the best I can hope for.
So this is an inquiry of the.. "wtf is this" nature. I don't ask for or expect diagnosis (obligatory inb4), I am asking if anyone also experiences what I describe, my doc doesn't know what the deal is and it doesn't seem to exist as far as diagnosis or symptoms go, at least not specifically (or even similarly). This may be an experience that others share in the context of DXs listed below or even outside of them, I am simply asking peers for their experiences.
I experience a great deal of depression, constant dysthymia at the very least, some sort of major episode uncomfortably often, as well as some shitty place between the two a good portion of the time.
ADHD inattentive type, only really relevantly characterized by an inability to process stimuli resulting in anxiety.
Aspergers traits, only mentioned in regards to unusual thought patterns of a specific and complex nature.
Insomnia, pick a specific form and I probably experience it at least somewhat regularly, most common forms being a constant late onset, all forms of circadian rhythm issues (weeks of 26, 36 or 48 hour sleep wake schedules) and even occasional oversleeping to cement the dysfunction into my reality.
The specific experience- I spend a great deal of time socially and mentally withdrawn, the majority of it by far. Generally I can not think all that clearly, I don't have "mental energy", even with the introduction of adderall this particular aspect does not change as a result, this doesn't feel like ADHD to me, at least at face value. I often just feel like I'm not living, I'm on autopilot and don't even realize. Now what I am specifically inquiring about is an unusual burst of mental energy, suddenly I am just... alive and thinking clearer, faster, like I did before the onset of my MI. It's not hyperactive and it's not manic, I am simply... 'there' all of a sudden. I would draw a comparison with mania to a small degree, like some weird intellectual bipolar. I am constantly without motivation, I have no 'brain power', no inspiration, I feel like a zombie, then all of a sudden I find myself ignited occasionally for less than a day. I am often still quite depressed but suddenly being alive in the moment lifts the mood just enough to at least put it out of mind for a while.
It's odd.. I don't really know how to describe it or sum it up properly, but if you experience this I believe that to say "intellectual bipolar" (with a note that timelines are not similar and it is not mood related, sort of a figure of speech) would likely resonate. I don't understand it really, it's like my brain runs the way it is supposed to for a little while, burns out and then turns itself off as if to prevent a fire.
A common factor seems to be long periods of wakefulness, being awake for extended periods does not mean this will happen but I don't ever just wake up feeling like this, I often don't feel like I wake up until a few hours before bed even.
Anyway, just looking for whatever, thoughts anyone?