13 replies to this topic

[Eden]

I tried to describe this before, I went for succinct initially and couldn't find the right words, next I attempted to just... describe it in detail, but paragraphs later I didn't feel that the nature of it was any clearer. So.. I will settle for short and insufficient, as that's the best I can hope for.

 

So this is an inquiry of the.. "wtf is this" nature. I don't ask for or expect diagnosis (obligatory inb4), I am asking if anyone also experiences what I describe, my doc doesn't know what the deal is and it doesn't seem to exist as far as diagnosis or symptoms go, at least not specifically (or even similarly). This may be an experience that others share in the context of DXs listed below or even outside of them, I am simply asking peers for their experiences.

 

Factors-

 

I experience a great deal of depression, constant dysthymia at the very least, some sort of major episode uncomfortably often, as well as some shitty place between the two a good portion of the time.

 

ADHD inattentive type, only really relevantly characterized by an inability to process stimuli resulting in anxiety.

 

Aspergers traits, only mentioned in regards to unusual thought patterns of a specific and complex nature.

 

Insomnia, pick a specific form and I probably experience it at least somewhat regularly, most common forms being a constant late onset, all forms of circadian rhythm issues (weeks of 26, 36 or 48 hour sleep wake schedules) and even occasional oversleeping to cement the dysfunction into my reality.

 

 

 

The specific experience-  I spend a great deal of time socially and mentally withdrawn, the majority of it by far. Generally I can not think all that clearly, I don't have "mental energy", even with the introduction of adderall this particular aspect does not change as a result, this doesn't feel like ADHD to me, at least at face value. I often just feel like I'm not living, I'm on autopilot and don't even realize. Now what I am specifically inquiring about is an unusual burst of mental energy, suddenly I am just... alive and thinking clearer, faster, like I did before the onset of my MI. It's not hyperactive and it's not manic, I am simply... 'there' all of a sudden. I would draw a comparison with mania to a small degree, like some weird intellectual bipolar. I am constantly without motivation, I have no 'brain power', no inspiration, I feel like a zombie, then all of a sudden I find myself ignited occasionally for less than a day. I am often still quite depressed but suddenly being alive in the moment lifts the mood just enough to at least put it out of mind for a while.

 

It's odd.. I don't really know how to describe it or sum it up properly, but if you experience this I believe that to say "intellectual bipolar" (with a note that timelines are not similar and it is not mood related, sort of a figure of speech) would likely resonate. I don't understand it really, it's like my brain runs the way it is supposed to for a little while, burns out and then turns itself off as if to prevent a fire.

 

A common factor seems to be long periods of wakefulness, being awake for extended periods does not mean this will happen but I don't ever just wake up feeling like this, I often don't feel like I wake up until a few hours before bed even.

 

Anyway, just looking for whatever, thoughts anyone?

[crtclms]

Do you mean, can we come up with an overarching condition that would include all of those symptoms? Or just what do we think about the symptoms themselves?

 

If you mean the second, I know this sounds kind of dismissive, and I don't mean it to at all, I'm genuinely asking: Could you just be having a good day? Even in the midst of bad episodes you can have good days, and they can feel kind of insane, because they don't fit in with the rest of the episode. So you would suddenly feel energized and good, but not have built up enough steam yet to start taking advantage of it.

 

I have insomnia with almost every mood disruption I experience. I have insomnia as a primary diagnosis, too, but it is definitely true that mood disruptions make it difficult for me to sleep.

[confused]

I don't know, but it sounds like a good thing.  How often does this happen?  I'm glad you get a little reprieve and feel alive.

[Eden]

Do you mean, can we come up with an overarching condition that would include all of those symptoms? Or just what do we think about the symptoms themselves?

 

If you mean the second, I know this sounds kind of dismissive, and I don't mean it to at all, I'm genuinely asking: Could you just be having a good day? Even in the midst of bad episodes you can have good days, and they can feel kind of insane, because they don't fit in with the rest of the episode. So you would suddenly feel energized and good, but not have built up enough steam yet to start taking advantage of it.

 

I have insomnia with almost every mood disruption I experience. I have insomnia as a primary diagnosis, too, but it is definitely true that mood disruptions make it difficult for me to sleep.

 

I meant what I said, though I see how it would appear odd or pointless. I suppose the reason for asking would shed a little light on my reasoning, as of right now all I know is that for some reason I occasionally experience triggered periods of profound change, good things. Though I see the benefit in just accepting a good thing, I also have to wonder if maybe in the cause of the episode I could find treatment that actually effects my quality of life (since very little has at all medicinally). Shared dx could give me direction, share experiences in the context of certain factors, anything at all could give me direction towards an improvement if one does in fact exist.

 

So yeah, I guess it is quite an odd request, but in truth I really do ask for anything and everything that comes to mind.

 

My insomnia does not correlate with my MDD much, occasionally my MDD can shift my sleep issues into this direction or that, but the advantage to my sleep being just about as bad as possible all of the time is that the other bad isn't discernibly worse than this flavor of bad. I do not feel that this is a mood thing, my mood does improve but I believe that to be a result of the more profound effects, energy, clarity, drive etc.

 

 

I don't know, but it sounds like a good thing.  How often does this happen?  I'm glad you get a little reprieve and feel alive.

 

 

It happens once or twice a month generally, in all honesty it's not enough for me to want it at all, it feels like it's just often enough to remind me what good feels like so that I can really feel the bad times.

[lysergia]

It happens once or twice a month generally, in all honesty it's not enough for me to want it at all, it feels like it's just often enough to remind me what good feels like so that I can really feel the bad times.

i can really relate to this.  i almost don't WANT the good days, just because they don't last and then the bad days seem worse.  on those good days my mood is much better, and i also feel "smarter" again.  i can almost remember that i had a vocabulary and could do math once upon a time...

 

is there any relationship at all that you can find between where in your sleep cycle you are, and when a good day happens?  there is a sort of "sweet spot" for me when i get not nearly enough sleep for a few days and feel really good, and then i fall back down into depression/brainfog all over again when my body insists upon proper sleep.  it's pretty much guaranteed for me that if i don't sleep for 24 hours i'll have a great day (sleep deprivation therapy isn't common anymore, and it doesn't last, but it does work).  it's also a guarantee that if i sleep more than 10 hours i will be terribly depressed and confused.

 

since your sleep cycle is so different, maybe this wouldn't be true for you.  i never paid attention to it until this year when my pdoc suggested i try sleep deprivation.  now i  can almost "plan" a decently good day when i know i'm going to need one for whatever reason - and i also don't have to wonder why my day is really fucking awful if i've overslept.

 

but there are also the days, of course, that i don't know why i'm sharper or duller too.  i talk to people more when i'm sharper too, do you?  i like your description of "intellectually bipolarity" heh.

[Eden]

I was inclined to separate it from sleep deprivation, staying awake for extended periods is actually rather easy for me and it does improve how I feel to an extent, just a much smaller one. I'm suspecting now that I am wrong in this seperation.

 

The reason I so badly want for this to not be sleep related is related to my ability to sustain such states, continuously putting off sleep is the fast track to psychosis for me, psychosis that laughs at AP's and sinks down roots for the long haul. I researched what specifically a lack of sleep is thought to cause in the brain a long while back, all I remember is that specifics are few and the implication by certain factors that it was not replicable (medicinally).

 

Eh.. bugger. I have been getting far less out of sleep deprivation for a long time now, I guess maybe I just wanted to be able to suspect something else. Maybe these 'episodes' are just an odd little anomaly, but if they are still rooted in sleep then find a cause of the extent is still irrelevant given the source.

 

v_v eh, I guess I'll sink back into my old headspace, consistently inconsistent and inherently void of hope.

 

If only brain chemistry were a simple thing.

[lysergia]

if only, eh?

 

i totally missed the psychosis DX in your signature.  i definitely wouldn't recommend missing more sleep then!

 

i also neglected to mention that anyone on the hypo/manic side should never be sleep deprived either.  i was speaking about my experience with depression and poor cognition, without thinking about the other end of BP.

 

i'd love to maintain those states too.  and it is horribly frustrating to not be able to find the cause of these kinds of things.  i hope that you are able to find a clearer answer to "why" so that you can have more of these good days.

[Eden]

Yeah, I do know my limits and walk that line pretty often wthout issues, it doesn't help much anyway unfortunately.

Thanks for your thoughts.

[Mirazh]

Everything else likely contributing aside, I find that ADHD/ASD traits can be very much like that actually. Some days I just have more clarity, more motivation, and more energy. Some months I can't even keep up with the housework despite the rest of my life being rather low intensity, and then I'll wake up one day and clean the livingroom, polish off some of my Wicca homework, and write posts online that earn me private messages of praise. And it sure as hell ain't hypomania, nor hyperactivity - with the latter, I really can't focus on ANYTHING let alone get shit done.

[Eden]

Hmm.. Much to ponder, thank you for the insight. I think I'll revisit this once my brain is in better form.

[44derpy]

Parnate may work. It gave me super powers for two months. I could rember
where I put things and feel awake in the morning and my memory was so
good it was like I was psychic. (Parnate is a potent MAOI, its strictly
reserved for the terminally f*cked.) Beware that Adderall works but in my exp it
pooped out HARD after 18 months so just plan for that when it comes.

[lysergia]

i'm taking more than the recommended dose of parnate (70mg/day), and it certainly isn't giving me any superpowers.  and it is most certainly not reserved for the terminally fucked.  that's insulting. 

 

do you know what the word "terminally" means?  it means fatal.  thanks for the vote of confidence that me and others taking parnate will ever recover.

[olga]

Parnate may work. It gave me super powers for two months. I could rember
where I put things and feel awake in the morning and my memory was so
good it was like I was psychic. (Parnate is a potent MAOI, its strictly
reserved for the terminally f*cked.) Beware that Adderall works but in my exp it
pooped out HARD after 18 months so just plan for that when it comes.

derpy, please read our User Agreement.  We value the personal experiences of our members, but we don't appreciate generalizations and flippant remarks about the medications being used by other CBers.  Please moderate your comments in future.

 

olga

[44derpy]

Sorry about that. I'm just scared of parnate and I let my own personal bias in. They say it is a drug of last resort and that's what I meant to convey. Talking in text is a lot harder than face to face because you don't know where everyone it at... that is all.