30 replies to this topic

[AloshaLied]

I called the National Suicide Prevention Hotline or some such. They weren't very helpful, to be honest, but it was a really good distraction - it's hard to cut when you have to hold a slippery phone and respond to questions at the same time. Thanks for the tip, bluechick At this point I think I'll be okay for another night, and I've learned that walking in combination with loud music tends to help (assuming I'm not getting my toes frozen off by all this ridiculous winter weather >.<).

 

Also, I know that some people on here think I am an attention seeker or that I am spreading "cutting porn". Please don't say things like that. I am a 15 year old girl who is struggling just like all of you, who is sometimes ambivalent about giving up the best coping skill she's ever found, who has trust issues and who finds it really difficult to surrender control to other people, i.e. p/tdocs. But I really am trying, and it doesn't make anything better when you say hurtful things like that. Thanks.

[ZenOut]

As long as you're taking steps to help yourself, that's all anyone can ask really. 

 

Ok here's my perspective on this. I think you are looking for attention in the sense that you want someone or many someones to help you and notice that you are suffering. I notice. I believe you. You want help, but as soon as you get some you get worried that your only known coping mechanisms will be taken away from you. I also fully understand this having gone through it at the same age myself. I also know, from experience, that you will not stop unless you want to. You will not realize you want to stop until you allow yourself to really get help, i.e. being honest with your Drs. I also know this from experience. I'm also borderline, so I completely understand ambivalence about getting help. 

 

You are clearly very smart. Try and step back and listen.

 

The problem I think you have been coming up against is that so many of us have the benefit of adult hindsight, so it's rough and frustrating to see someone your age wax poetic about an issue that is near and dear, and also preventable. The other thing is you cannot control what people say or think. I hope you can recognize that responses tend to generate from some legitimate cause, whether intended or otherwise.

 

Truly, all I would like for you is to save you the heartache of what I went through. If any of my experience can help you avoid even a small facet of what I've experienced, then I'll be happy. Just be kind to yourself and try not to romanticize this. 

[AloshaLied]

ZenOut,

I would first like to say that I really appreciate your reply and also your support in the chatroom. You're right in saying that I want "attention" in that I want someone to validate what I'm going through instead of brushing it off, which is exactly what calling it "attention-seeking" is doing. There is a very large difference in the implications of the statements, even if they sound the same. I just sometimes need reminding that these feelings are real and legitimate and don't deserve others' scorn.

As for honesty with doctors, I plan on giving it a go. Eventually, when I've built up some trust with them. At the moment the problem is just that I can't get an appointment, although I do have one scheduled with my tdoc in a week or two. It's difficult because I have multiple personalities, and most of them don't want me to get help. When there's someone who can literally take over your mind and body, it's hard go through with the best-laid plans.

Lastly, about the romanticism bit and all: I know that cutting is a serious issue and even though I never really thought of romanticizing it as contributing to it, I will try to incorporate your advice. I also know that it's frustrating when you want to help someone and can't; I just wish people wouldn't say it in a derogatory way. We are all here because quitting is hard as hell, and I wish people could remember what it felt like when they were in the midst of their addiction.

Thanks again for your support, you've been great and I don't even know you

[bluechick]

I have to say that I am uber-impressed with how you take all of these suggestions to heart. I love to see someone so determined and clear in their recovery.

[Wooster]

I'm glad that you found ways to keep yourself safe through the night.

 

Well done!

[AloshaLied]

Bluechick, I just wanted to tell you that I came clean to a friend about feeling suicidal and also about wanting to cut. I couldn't do it face-to-face so I chatted her on Fb, and it feels like such a relief to let someone know what I'm dealing with. Plus, she promised not to tell anyone without permission, which gives me hope about telling other people in the future. Thanks so much for the advice, I never would have done it without your suggestions.

[bluechick]

Holy moly!  That's great!  I am sooo glad you were able to confide in a friend.  That is awesome!

[AloshaLied]

Vapourware,

You're right, some of that was directed at you. I honestly don't know who made the specific comment about cutting porn, but I was definitely very frustrated with you. I have since realized that you really were trying to help; in the heat of the moment it was hard to step back and look at what you were saying objectively, so I also apologize if I acted childish. I understand that you want to challenge my view on SI. However, I think you misunderstood that view. I have a love-hate relationship with cutting - I hate it, but I love the way it can release emotion and/or make me feel something when I'm dissociating. I have a love/hate relationship with my scars for the same reason - I hate them, but they remind me of that release. So, I apologize for not making that clear.

My main issue was the fact that you seemed to think I wasn't getting help or wasn't trying to get help. To clarify that point, I have not seen a t/pdoc recently ONLY because I have not been able to get an appointment; when I do see them I fully intend to make a better go of treatment than I have in the past. In my past experience I have been betrayed by several psychologists/psychiatrists on the issue of confidentiality and the like, which is why I started keeping things from them. It's not because I don't want help. As for topics I have posted in the forum previously, it is true that there was a long period in my life when I did not believe in treatment. I am still intensely wary of doctors and it's an issue that I'm trying to overcome. However, I am happy with my current tdoc and believe that eventually I will build up enough trust with her to conquer my fears and be able to talk about everything that's going on.

I am conflicted about cutting, which is why I'm seeking treatment. I know that with the mindset I currently have, I will not be able to quit on my own. That is also why I joined CrazyBoards. I felt that having a community of pro-treatment people to turn to when I'm desperate would help me choose not to cut or at least help me develop coping skills that would lead to me not cutting in the future.

Thank you for the apology, and I hope you will accept mine in turn. I also hope that the above ^ helps clear up some of the topics about which there seemed to be some confusion.

[AloshaLied]

You always think the storm has passed, only to discover that you were standing in the eye and the worst is yet to come.

 

In other words, I'm scared.

[Wooster]

Unfortunately, there is no magic answer.

 

There is only the "do it over again and again and again" until you begin to notice the slightest possible change in intensity.

 

I do not say this to be demoralizing, only to remind you of what you already know.

 

You have the power within you to effectively manage your distress.

Other options may not have as much short-term gratification as self harm.

But each moment you get to decide again whether you commit to your health and healing and wholeness, or to something else.

 

You don't have to ride the whole storm out at once. You only have to do it one, two, five minutes at a time.