[Penny Century]

name: Penny Century

location: somewhere in america

Boards:
-Self Injury - The Cutting Board
-Panic / Anxiety Disorders - What, me worry?
-Social Phobia - Behind Paranoid Eyes
-Eating Disorders - Hell's Kitchen
-Sleep Disorders - Perchance to Dream
- Not Otherwise Specified - Anything Not Covered Above
-Benzodiazepines - Take a Chill Pill!
-Supplements, Nootropics, Magical Nostrums, And Herbs, Oh My!
-Self-Help Books – If It's Self-Help, What's the Book For?
-Anarchy Rules! The Government Sucks!

Current Diagnoses:
-ADD (inattentive type)
-PTSD
-Tachycardia related to/caused by abnormally fast beta waves, resulting in mood swings and anxiety
-some sleep disorder with a weird name i can't remember

Current Meds
Coreg (a beta blocker)
Dexidrine Spansules
Xanax XR

Prior Meds: (in no particular order)

Ritalin, Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Zyprexa, Strattera, Concerta, Gabatril, Ambien, Restoril, Klonopin, Risperdal, Lamictal, Keppra, Wellburtin, Neurontin, Adderall, Abilify, Lithium, Propananol, and I've probably forgotten a few others

(I have been mis-diagnosed with everything under the sun, hence why my rx list sounds so strange given my current dx's.)

Interests: Dialectical behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness, Pilates, Feminism, Personality Disorders, Urban Fantasy, Compulsive Research of almost anything, Escapism, Narcissistic Self Portraits, Writing, History, and just Books in General, Bibliophile to the extreme.

Currently: Rebuilding my life after a severe car accident where I broke both legs and my collar bone, spent 7 months off the internet and 9 months with no real-life social interaction. Working on integrating all those revelations you have when you nearly die into my life. Baby steps towards independence and being the woman I really want to be, not who I think I should be.

________________

A Note on why I'm here and my viewpoint on mental health:

I came to this forum originally because I was tired of watching borderlines be stigmatized within Mental Health support groups (as if there's not enough stigma from Doctors about it). What Follows is an brief summary of my experiences with borderline, DBT, and why I sometimes come across as harsh when I talk about borderline.

I wanted to say something about how I view borderline and the recovery process around it.

I used to, according to the DSM, be borderline. I had 9/9 of the listed criteria for diagnosis. I was pretty much on a first-name basis with the staff at my local ER. I was "circling the drain" when I finally talked to my psychiatrist about borderline, and he reluctantly dx'd me (he didn't want me to have the stigma on my record) and referred me to a therapist who did a combination of DBT and Transference Focused Psychotherapy.

Going through that year of therapy was INCREDIBLY hard. Not only was it a lot of "work" in terms of the diary cards, etc., but I had to REALLY look at myself and my life and accept that there was a LOT wrong.

"Radical Acceptance" is a HUGE part of DBT. To radically accept, you fully acknowledge that something is. That doesn't mean you say it's good or bad, just that it is. For me, I was someone who wanted more than anything to be perfect. Honors grad from an Ivy in law school. Hard worker. I did everything I could to not be crazy, to not look crazy.

To say to myself, and REALLY accept that I HAD A REAL PROBLEM and WAS NOT "NORMAL" was FUCKING HARD. Hated it. Sobbed for hours over it. But I did accept it... and then I was able to start changing my behaviors. (With a lot of help from my therapist and a lot of work on learning mindfulness and what my emotional triggers were, and HELL what my emotions were even called, because I didn't know the names for them I'd spent so many years shoving them in a corner.)

The thing is... to get through DBT and away from a lot of that self destruction, to find a stable sense of self (which, let me tell you, when that happens, feels amazing)... I had to do accept a lot of harsh realities. I didn't know who I was. I was in a cycle of relationships with men who thought they could "save" me. I was angry at everyone for my childhood, and at the same time didn't want to admit that it was a remarkably fucked up childhood. I didn't know what my emotions were. I wasn't in control a lot of the time. I was abusing drugs and cutting. I was lying to myself about a LOT of things.

I had to accept that I needed to change.
I had to accept that my childhood sucked, and then just let it be what it was.
I had to take responsibility for my own actions. No blame, just accept it, and move on, change.
I had to learn how to meditate!

I had to, basically, look at my life and tell myself the truth, and then not hate myself for it. Just acknowledge what my life REALLY was like, accept that, and work on learning to be healthy.

If I am sometimes harsh when I talk about borderline, it is NOT because I am callous.

One of the first things my DBT therapist said to me was "No one, not me, not anyone but another borderline, will EVER understand how much emotional pain you are in. It is staggering, and I won't even pretend that I understand it."

He was right. It is REALLY PAINFUL to be borderline. Curl up on your bathroom floor and sob painful. Clawing out your brain painful.

If I am harsh... it is because the only way to STOP that pain is to be honest with yourself.

Honesty isn't about judgment. It's about seeing what is really happening. No blame, no shame. But accepting that I had real problems and needed to change so many areas of my life that I was scared shitless I wouldn't be "me" when I finished DBT.

In some ways, I'm not who I was... and I like those ways.
I didn't have a real "me" before DBT... I have a stable sense of self now.

Facing the harsh truths of life is necessary for change.

And it is worth it.

I have a stable sense of self, I don't dx, I don't feel that pain daily. Yes, I still identify as borderline because a lot of that is still in me, and because I need to keep DBT skills as a part of my everyday life. But my life totally changed. If DBT was a church, I'd proselytize.

So, if I am seemingly harsh, it's because I know that to get better, borderlines have to accept a lot of harsh things. Soft words only go so far.

I validate your pain, being borderline hurts.
And I want other borderlines to get better. Lying and saying it will all work out isn't helpful.
Treatment means work.

But, the treatment DOES WORK.

Isn't that a better thing to say?

To say that yes, DBT is painful... but it works, this pain can end. Isn't that better than to offer sympathy and not acknowledge the real reality of borderline?

Ok, so that's a bit of my story and an explanation of how I see things.