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gay man trapped in a girls body


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#1 telescopium

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Posted 25 February 2006 - 03:46 AM

OK so I am female.  I am also BI.  I am so confused at the moment though..  For a while now, I want to be (or identify more..) with gay men..  I feel like a gay transvestite man, trapped in the body of a bi girl, if that makes any sense at all...

I know transvestites want to be women, or to be feminine at the least..  So why do I want to be a guy that wants to be a woman?  I like girls..  Sometimes.  And I love guys, but not straight guys really..  I love gay guys and transvestites.  Gay men turn me on way more than, anyone else..  So WTF??  I mean I am a girl, so what gay guy would like me?? 

I am involved with someone right now..  He is Bi, and we are very happy..  So not looking to date, thats not really the issue..  I just don't get this..  Am I the only one ever to feel this way? 

I just really really want to be a trasvestite gay man... Thats how I feel inside.  I don't know how else to describe it..  It sucks.  Does this make any sense to anyone at all???
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams

Diagnoses: Bipolar 2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADHD
Suspected: Gender Identity Disorder, SAD
Medications: None :) Three years med free now
Previous meds: Depakote the worst of my worsts. Pretty much every other depression / bipolar med on the market.


#2 peeej

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Posted 25 February 2006 - 09:37 AM

OK so I am female.  I am also BI.  I am so confused at the moment though..  For a while now, I want to be (or identify more..) with gay men..  I feel like a gay transvestite man, trapped in the body of a bi girl, if that makes any sense at all...

I know transvestites want to be women, or to be feminine at the least..  So why do I want to be a guy that wants to be a woman?  I like girls..  Sometimes.  And I love guys, but not straight guys really..  I love gay guys and transvestites.  Gay men turn me on way more than, anyone else..  So WTF??  I mean I am a girl, so what gay guy would like me?? 

I am involved with someone right now..  He is Bi, and we are very happy..  So not looking to date, thats not really the issue..  I just don't get this..  Am I the only one ever to feel this way? 

I just really really want to be a trasvestite gay man... Thats how I feel inside.  I don't know how else to describe it..  It sucks.  Does this make any sense to anyone at all???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>



ANYTHING makes sense, as far as i'm concerned. especially when it comes to gender.

gender experienced by supposedly most people is connected very clearly to their organs. and then gender is clearly connected with choice of partners.

for others of us, it's not clear. how we feel inside is not clearly connected with our organs or our partners.

when people change gender or change sexual organs, that doesn't end up meaning that they want to have the SAME sexual partners they did before, or wear the same kind of clothes or behave in the same kinds of ways. and not necessarily to the 'sex' they changed to.

i knew someone in school who was a gay man, and started transitioning to be a woman and became a lesbian.

but before pursuing any kind of transition, it's important to work out whether this is a fantasy, or a strong, unwavering conviction that inside, you are a gay transvestite. it's posisble to 'play' gay transvestite, for instance tape your boobs, get into some sexy femme lingerie, wear a cock and fuck your bi bf. (sorry if that's.. offensive to anyone) - i'm sure you could be far more imaginative than i. maybe shave your head  and wear wigs. the possibilities are there.

it's all good. some people don't get it. they just don't get it. but that says nothing about YOU.
PJ AND BANANA!

#3 telescopium

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 02:00 AM

You all make a lotta sence...  It just sucks that sometimes I feel alone it it ya kno?  At least if I was sure what the hell I am/feel like maybe other people could identify but I guess I am not 100%

We have done the whole fant thing and its a lot more than that..  its not even so much just sexual..  just how i feel..  My bf does love the fact that I have a more male side too. 

I know gender and identity isnt exactly a clear cut thing, but sometimes I wish it was a bit more so I was sure how I felt.. 

You mentioned a therapist who works with gernder issues?  Do you know how I would go about finding someone who deals in that?  Last thing I want is to go for typical therapy and either them say I am weird or its from somethingas a child or i need meds..  Because I am not crazy..  Its just who I am.. 
For the moon never beams without bringing me dreams

Diagnoses: Bipolar 2, PTSD, GAD, BPD, ADHD
Suspected: Gender Identity Disorder, SAD
Medications: None :) Three years med free now
Previous meds: Depakote the worst of my worsts. Pretty much every other depression / bipolar med on the market.

#4 Miguel A.

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Posted 26 February 2006 - 03:40 AM

Don't know how comforting this will be, but I have a friend who, when working on her degree on Gender Studies, interviewed a woman exactly in your situation - she would like to undergo surgery to become a man, such surgery existed, to then have a stable gay relationship. So you might not be as alone as you think; as for labels, nobody fits in if you look close enough, so nobody should feel compelled to.

Edited by Miguel A., 26 February 2006 - 03:41 AM.

dx: BP2, I guess, or BP4 (hypomania is naturally occurring, but full-blown mania was medication-induced). Chronic insomniac. SI, but's been a while.
rx: lithium 1350mg, remeron 30mg, reboxetine 4mg
has tried: lamictal, seroquel, rohypnol (strong benzo), dalmadorm/flurazepam (ditto), lexotan, zetron/wellbutrin

#5 Atropis42

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Posted 23 March 2006 - 12:59 AM

For the therapist, you might look for a GLBT yellowpages or community center or somesuch in your area.  Good luck.
I've been high; I've climbed so high but life sometimes it washes over me.

#6 realitytest

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Posted 28 March 2006 - 12:42 AM

Gee, I dunno, Telescopium. Just a few thoughts come to mind. (Another ramble ohgod)

Mainly, what's the difference between being a transvestite ( transsexual?) man and YOU?

What partners and experiences are you wishing for, that you feel you can't have in your born bio body? 

Is it possible you want to have to overcome some obstacle to become what you are - that you like the girly look, but want it to be inflicted somehow rather than innate?  (People can be pretty diverse in their sexual turns ons as well all know  today thanks to  Google.  LIke there is a HUGE movement of people absolutely wild about amputees and another group dying to BE amputees - and it does seem to be sexual. So some people DO seem to  need for something to change them from outside,in order to  feel - um, free. )

What about the masquerade angle?  Are you a person who loves Halloween, costumes, and role-playing?  Could be you really long for the freedom you feel in a non-traditional gender role, and that you feel merely being a born female is too restrictive, while being an assumed female,  is self-invention, more  do it yourself.

Maybe a lot of women are afraid to try on different kinds of female identities, but they - you? - feel if they were putting it on like a costume, then they'd have permission  to experiment that would otherwise be denied.

So, that COULD be something you - and the right partner - could give yourself permission to be. How cool that you don't have to go to hormone treatment and surgery to get the equipment! 

I agree with those who recommend role-playing.  Can be a great way to test out different turn-ons and find what appeals. And so can  plain old masturbation.  If you really let your mind wander, you may find in the privacy of your head, a lot of the answers you're looking for.  You'll see what  fantasies and  imagery,  get you off the most as you lie there limited by  nothing but your imagination.

I've found out some interesting things about myself that way -  some kind of hard to take at first. 

(The other question has to do with wishing  for male gay partners.  There are a lot of possibilities here I won't go into.    Pretty complicated all in all, and besides,  It's still far from clear as I think about it, whether you really DO mean transvestite or transgender or transsexual - all quite different. )

From the gay men I know, they wouldn't be attracted to a woman's body  - and the woman inside it.  It's kind of the "dickness" that's missing whether or not it was surgically removed. Of course, there is infinite variety in  non-traditional roles to be sure, but overall, the ones I've heard from the most, really dig hairiness and male sweat, the male libido- the whole thing.  So I'm kind of confused about gays who would go for a quasi man - especially if the transformation were more or less complete.  A field of great NON-expertise for me, but I thought  transvestitism was  a very special case, almost auto-erotic - and often hetero men are into it. 

(Trying remember a transvestite stripper I sang for - while he stripped - in  a Berlin nightclub.  Germans are REALLY big on this.  By far my most unusual  job!  ;)

Yes, an  adventurous male partner who's  bi seems the best of all worlds for you - and hopefully for him too...Long term monogamy is somehow hard to picture. (Tho I know such a couple marrying soon - both bi. Very into role playing too, including animals.  Met at such a convention,  in fact)

Could be all wet in any or all of the above, being pretty straight (but very imaginative
:)   )
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#7 Eyes Of The World

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Posted 01 April 2006 - 11:41 PM

OK so I am female.  I am also BI.  I am so confused at the moment though..  For a while now, I want to be (or identify more..) with gay men..  I feel like a gay transvestite man, trapped in the body of a bi girl, if that makes any sense at all...

I know transvestites want to be women, or to be feminine at the least..  So why do I want to be a guy that wants to be a woman?  I like girls..  Sometimes.  And I love guys, but not straight guys really..  I love gay guys and transvestites.  Gay men turn me on way more than, anyone else..  So WTF??  I mean I am a girl, so what gay guy would like me?? 

I am involved with someone right now..  He is Bi, and we are very happy..  So not looking to date, thats not really the issue..  I just don't get this..  Am I the only one ever to feel this way? 

I just really really want to be a trasvestite gay man... Thats how I feel inside.  I don't know how else to describe it..  It sucks.  Does this make any sense to anyone at all???

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>


Gender is not binary as much as society would like you to believe.  girls=pink, boys= blue, this is a hazardous way of thinking.  Transgendered people have been around for all of human existence, some native american tribes had what are called berdache warriors or two-spirit people that do not identify with either gender. 

No one can tell you what's going on inside of you, this is for you to find out through self-exploration and research at your library or on the net.  It is possible that you are attracted to gay males because you appreciate the expression of feminity through a masculine body.  Or maybe you're a gay woman who is using her current comfort with the male body to explore her own homosexuality.  Keep in mind there are self-identified gay men who are turned on by females and vice versa.  Sexuality is not clear cut as much as we'd like to believe, it can be confusing as fuck.  Or maybe you really are transgendered, in which case you'll eventually decide whether the transition is for you.  There are plenty of transgendered people living happy fullfilled lives with the body they were born with. 


I've been where you are and in a sense still am there.  I withdrew from my first semester of college this past fall after a myriad of transgender issues came to surface.  Anatomically I am a male, but remember sex is not the same thing as gender.  I am happy with my body, I do not wish to loose my penis and am happy with the sexual gratification I receive from it ;)   The moment I stopped trying to pin down my gender was a moment that I became a little more satisfied with my existence.  I gave up trying to force myself into categories, you need to do the same.  Be yourself and eventually it will be revealed to you what category you fit in if at that point you are still worred about such trivial things as categories  :)

This is a good online resource to start your journey
http://www.transgendersoul.com/

#8 Cerberus

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Posted 06 April 2006 - 06:05 PM

Telescopium -

It seems to me that part of the confusion is inherent in this artificial differentiation into gay/bi/straight.  It has been pretty well established, beginning with Kinsey, that there is no stark differentiation.  Rather, human sexuality is a continuum that runs the entire gamut between totally straight and totally gay.

What's more, studies are finding that arousal is strongly keyed to olfactory (scent) cues, usually related to hormones.  Both genders produce the same kinds of hormones, only in differing quantities, and this varies from individual to individual.  Men with a low testosterone output may develop more effeminate features, while women with a relatively high testosterone output may grow facial hair.  It's all in the chemicals, which, based on an individual's specific physical makeup and function, can be blended in proportions that don't fall handily into the so-called "norms".

Arousal is not, however, exclusively triggered by scent.  Visual and auditory cues play a part, as does the person's past positive or negative experiences with one gender or the other.

I love my ex-wife, think she is gorgeously attractive, and wish we could be together, but my fantasies are almost exclusively gay.  Yet I can, occasionally, see a woman and think, "woof."  My mind sees beauty and wit, and I even feel instincts to do manly things like protect and provide, but my damned nose gets one whiff of a guy (as it were; you can't necessarily actually smell these things) and it's off to the races.  Could it be that your olfactory "taste" is keyed most strongly to the specific chemistry of gay males?  It sounds like you're aroused by people in that band of the spectrum, but, alas! most of them generally go for the guys in the mostly-to-completely straight range.  Interestingly, I remember reading somewhere that gay men are by and large much more physically aroused by straight men than by other gays.  It must be the way the hormones are blended.  Anyway, it sounds as if you might be saying that the only way you can see to engage one of them is to be one of them.  If you were alone and found yourself unable to find a satisfactory partner because of this, it might be a greater cause for concern, but you've found one, and you say you're very happy except for this mental quandry.

So, what to do when nose says Ooh-la-la but the mind says Va-va-voom?

I don't know, except to suggest that you go with whatever gives your heart the greatest peace and not worry about it.  That you have a partner who is responsive to your needs in this way is wonderful.  Just make sure you're equally attentive to his particular needs as well.

No, you are certainly not the only person who feels as you do.  I strongly suspect that of the thousands worldwide who feel the same way, many are just as confused as you, but don't have anyone or anywhere to voice their confusion.

It's only one facet of who you are.  One of my favorite quotes I've heard recently is, "I want being gay to be the least interesting thing about me."  Another is the famous line from Mrs. Patrick Campbell:  "Does it really matter what these affectionate people do So long as they don't do it on the street and frighten the horses?"


Cerberus

Edited by Cerberus, 06 April 2006 - 06:09 PM.

Kentuckian by birth, Gallifreyan by choice

... if you gaze too long into the Abyss, the Abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Not only am I not a doctor, I'm not even human. See your psychiatrist or physician before taking any psychoactive medication.

Dx: Refractive Double Depression (Treatment-resistant MDD + Dysthymia), Asperger's Syndrome, Hemiplegic Migraine, and a touch of Tourette's Syndrome for the delightful cherry on top.
Rx: EffexorXR 450mg, Prozac 20mg, Adderall 30mg, Topamax 25mg

Boards I Moderate: Depression. Antidepressants. Migraines. Sleep. Therapy. Parenting. Spirituality. GLBT.


#9 Guest_unregistered mess_*

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Posted 19 April 2006 - 06:06 PM

Did anyone see the Tyra Banks show today ? She disscussed gay men trapped in womens bodys, I will see if I can find some info. ;)

#10 Guest_unregistered mess_*

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Posted 19 April 2006 - 06:26 PM

honey, the best thing for you to do is:
1. avoid all of this intellectual babble, its only going to confuse you.
2.dont try to put a face on it, dont look for names or answers, its just going to confine you, and as I said, confuse you.
3. Why not learn to embrace who you are? It simply may mean becoming a man, though as someone said there isnt anything wrong with being creative.

#11 wifezilla

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Posted 19 April 2006 - 07:08 PM

I had a girl friend who was obviously in to men, but she is now in a lesbian relationship. Since we knew her "from the day" and knew her ex-husband, etc... we had questions.

I asked her if she had always been attracted to women on some level and she said not really...but then she met B. She said she never imagined she would feel sexual toward another woman, but B as a PERSON totally turned her on.

I guess what I am trying to say is not to be hung up on labels or gender. Look to the heart and spirit of the people you admire. Maybe you will end up with a man, maybe with a woman. Does it matter as long as the person you love returns your feelings and is a good person?
"In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move." - Douglas Adams

"Chaos is the law of nature, and order is the dream of man" - Henry Brooks Adam (1838-1918)

"I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And it's so hot, cause I'm in hell" - Harvey Danger

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#12 Boz-pot

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Posted 03 May 2006 - 11:53 AM

I sort of know what Telliscopium means. As far as I'm aware I'm straight, but I often don't feel feminine. I have no desire to have a sex change, but sometimes I think I ought to have been a gay man rather than a straight woman. I tend to feel the least feminine when I'm in an all female group, such as my University flat. Not that I'd say I feel like a man exactly, it's sort of an inbetween feeling, yet I still think I ought to have been born male. I get on very well with men generally and particularly my dad to whom I can tell everything. We were discussing sex once (one of many times) and he said he thought I had a very male attitude to sex. I think that's probably true - I'm not very romantic in the traditional sense, I can easily separate sex from love, and freely admit to enjoying casual sex and porn. I have no dreams of marriage etc. I certainly never had a 'dream wedding' idea, I hate children, not that I'm suggesting men hate children, but just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I should automatically want to be a mother...oh, and I'm quite happy to fart, burp, talk about wanking and (to my shame) I often reduce men who are extremely intelligent and lovely people to mere sex objects.

Of course I reaslise that what I have been discussing generalises men and women a lot, and it was a bit tongue in cheek, but I seem to find that sexually, I have more in common with men.

Edited by Boz-pot, 03 May 2006 - 11:54 AM.

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Previous Meds: Effexor, Citalopram, Prozac, Valium, Zyprexa
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#13 Cerberus

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Posted 04 May 2006 - 07:40 PM

and (to my shame) I often reduce men who are extremely intelligent and lovely people to mere sex objects.

Not to worry. I assure you, most of us would dearly love to be reduced to a sex object. At least once.


Cerberus

Kentuckian by birth, Gallifreyan by choice

... if you gaze too long into the Abyss, the Abyss gazes also into you. - Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche

Not only am I not a doctor, I'm not even human. See your psychiatrist or physician before taking any psychoactive medication.

Dx: Refractive Double Depression (Treatment-resistant MDD + Dysthymia), Asperger's Syndrome, Hemiplegic Migraine, and a touch of Tourette's Syndrome for the delightful cherry on top.
Rx: EffexorXR 450mg, Prozac 20mg, Adderall 30mg, Topamax 25mg

Boards I Moderate: Depression. Antidepressants. Migraines. Sleep. Therapy. Parenting. Spirituality. GLBT.


#14 reddog

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Posted 05 May 2006 - 11:20 AM

on that subject, perhaps you could bring back one of your photos as an avatar? please?



and why is it 'reduced' to a sex object? why not elevated to sex object? to quote from The Marketplace: 'nothing soothes like a one night stand with someone who thinks you walk on water'.

Edited by reddog, 05 May 2006 - 03:15 PM.

3 words to save the economy: Gay Bridal Registry.
And, really, legalizing gay marriage is the right thing to do.

#15 Boz-pot

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Posted 05 May 2006 - 11:08 PM

Hmm, that's interesting, reddog, I'd never thought of it that way, I suppose I said 'reduced' due to social conditioning. I personally am comfortable with my rather over sexuality, but I still have a bit of a hang up about how other people view me e.g. "Thinking like that is not ladylike". The irony is, I have no intention of being 'ladylike' (whatever the hell that actually means these days) but I cannot shake off this misplaced guilt. Also, I really don't want to be viewed as sexist. Generally, I get on with men very well, so if I start thinking about a male friend in a sexual way, I know it will turn into this obsessive drive and mantra type thing in my head "I want to get you into bed...I want to get you into bed". It takes over and whilst in the company of said man, most of my thoughts will be about whether and how I can get to have sex with him. As an egalitarian this makes me feel a little guilty.
I think it's also related to my MI as a high sex drive and preoccupation with sex in general accompanies my hypomania.
Bipolar I
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Possible PTSD or some form of Anxiety Disorder
Chronic Imposter Syndrome


Previous Meds: Effexor, Citalopram, Prozac, Valium, Zyprexa
Current Meds: 600mg Lithium

#16 Lyra

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Posted 10 May 2006 - 02:51 PM

Just wanted to tell you that you're not alone in feeling that way. While occasionally I identify alright as a female, my general demeanor makes people assume I'm a gay man until they realize the boobs are built in. I've come to the conclusion I was supposed to be a hermaphrodite, and I've always said that in a perfect world, we'd all be hermaphrodites.

I just accept myself how I am as far as that's concerned... I've got a lovely boyfriend, who in fact has been accused of being gay and in denial once people see my personality. He's okay with the situation though, and that's what matters - I've got bigger fish to fry.

I mainly feel awkward though. I get into "flamboyant" moods where I gesture and giggle and generally act like the stereotypical feminen gay man... So if you go through that "omg, I'm being stared at aren't I?" moment, then you're not alone.

And yes, most my best friends are gay men, too, or lesbians. I classify myself as bi because those two groups seem to be who I'm most attracted to.
In the beginning, God created the universe. This made a lot of people angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move.
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Dx: Bipolar I, Panic Attacks, Generalized Anxiety
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#17 Whacko Jhacko

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Posted 22 May 2006 - 03:54 AM

I'm a bisexual guy but I feel like a lesbian. Ah, humanity.
...immediately
points a finger at me (finger at me)..
So I point one back at 'em, but not the index or pinkie
or the ring or the thumb, it's the one you put up
when you don't give a fuck, when you won't just put up
with the bullshit they pull, cause they full of shit too

I'm not Mr. N'Sync, I'm not what your friends think
I'm not Mr. Friendly, I can be a prick
if you tempt me my tank is on empty (is on empty)..
No patience is in me and if you offend me
I'm liftin you 10 feet (liftin you 10 feet).. in the air
I don't care who is there and who saw me just jaw you





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