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  2. I don’t know what to do. I am on 4 AAP’s. Invega, seroquel xr, abilify, and clozapine. All at high or decent doses. Add klonopin to the list. Well the problem is I’m having trouble breathing. I’m coughing during the day just to catch my breath. I feel like an elephant is stepping on my chest. At bedtime when I take all my meds practically, I wake up choking and coughing and coughing until it passes and then I pass out asleep again. This wakes husband up and myself as well. And now my lips are blue ish in the morning. So I definitely think I’m not getting enough oxygen during the nighttime when I’m asleep. I feel the combo of meds I’m on now is dangerous for my health. My pdoc says it will take a year to get off 2 of my other AAP’s and speaks as though she wants me to remain on seroquel xr with the clozapine which I find ridiculous and redundant. Help. I’m afraid of going to bed even tonight! I fear I may die.
  3. Yes, my old pdoc always gave me 90 pills/month (enough for the maximum dosage.) My current round of clonazepam treatment began in 2012 w/ .5 mg 3X a day and I think was down to 2/6 of a pill when I last saw him. The 90 pills was a contingency because a situation could always arise when you need to take more. When it became more convenient to go to my medical doctor for meds I more or less said I was on one pill a day. I guess I just wanted to demonstrate my progress from the last time I saw him (and I had a stockpile of pills from my pdoc.) This year he seems to be freaking out about controlled meds saying the prescriptions "need to be very exact". I think I'm just going to say I need three pills a day when I next see him. Twice in my like I've been on a clonazepam regimen (with the gap being about eight months) and always felt better with each tapered dosage. But it's just very hard (this time especially) to know where the underlying illness ends and the benzo side effects begin. Edit: Is there any place you can check prescription laws by state? I'm having trouble finding anything
  4. Lawrence in Arabia by Scott Anderson. “War, Deceit, Imperial Folly and the making of the Modern Middle East.” Highly engaging account of events leading up to WWI in Europe and the near east. Good read for history buffs or anyone who wants a better understanding of today’s issues.
  5. Hi @Blahblah. I've had problems with anxiety and concentration my whole life. I'm 44 now and have been struggling with the addition of MDD for 15 years now. I was an engineer and have not worked for 10 years now. No SSDI or SSI has been awarded to me so I've been doing a lot of research on my own because I believe I have ADHD and was never diagnosed with it. This would explain why anti-depressants alone have never helped me much. Like you SSRI's do virtually nothing or in some cases made things worse. Cybalta has been the only antidepressant I've tried that does anything for me. I haven't tried Effexor. I've also been on Lamictal. Like you I didn't notice an improvement however I never sank down into a deep depression when I took it. Maybe that what it's supposed to do in part. I believe a medicine like Abilify works in a much more active way to lift you up. I find it interesting that you describe SSRI's as making you feel "flat". I recently watched psychiatrist that has a lot of YT videos about ADHD. He said that in the late 80's and early 90's Prozac and/or Paxil got a bad rap because it made many people feel "flat". He claimed that studies later found that those people also had ADHD. The way understand it, people with both a dopamine and serotonin deficiency need to have both raised or it can cause severe problems. If only dopamine is raised then serotonin goes down. If only serotonin is raised then dopamine goes down. Hope that makes sense.
  6. I agree that might be beneficial as well...it helps my suicidality but it's still not super fast effect except for the sedation
  7. I must say that I don't particularly agree with the term disability or deficit, either, certainly not by the neurotypical standard anyways. I have learnt myself as an adult that it is ultimately my autism to own, therefore I am the only one who can genuinely say what either of those mean, and what about my autism actually are those things. To no surprise, what I class as a deficit is not what the outside world classes as a deficit, and what they class as a deficit is not one to me. I say that most of my autism isn't a disability at all, but a set of different abilities. What is a disability resides externally from me, not as part of me directly. Try to get the neurotypical to understand that, I have learnt to not waste my time on it, because they never will. I guess I struggle with knowing what my natural functionality is, because I have always had to deal with mental illness as well, as a result I have never been that functional. It is hard for me to know which parts of that are from me, and which parts are from the mental illness, and at this point in time, why that even matters if I am deemed unworthy of functional assistance. I can understand your defiance of others who don't understand you. I am like that as well, or I would be if I had the option to choose to be that way. That is what most people despise about me most, actually, they think I am a self-serving asshole who cares about no one except me. I think I do deny a lot of my own pain, though, just not consciously. I have a lot of garbage to deal with and I am someone who has a "what's done is done" attitude. The way I have survived all of my trauma is denial of pain in and of itself, because I have been frozen off and detached from it. I see it, but I can't really feel it because I am too numb to. Thus I can deny it is even there to begin with. Plus I deny it by not even calling what I have endured pain. I don't ever openly say I am in pain because it makes no sense to admit that when I feel no such thing. Pain isn't even an impact of what I have endured that I admit to, because if it is there, I can't access it. I admit to my issues, sure, but they are right here with me, so much so that they too have made up parts of what makes me, me. In a way you could say that not letting go of them is a form of denial. Not admitting that I am afraid that if I did, I would no longer be me anymore because at this time I have nothing else of substance about me. I find myself just wanting to be me and having a similar attitude towards the world as a whole. I often wonder what I would be doing if I had the chance to actually be me in entirety, but if I'm honest, that hurts me because I can't be at this time, and when or even if I will be able to attain the resources to do so is unknown. I guess you could say this all part of being a young adult, finding your place in the world, your purpose, etc. All I have found is I would rather not be a part of the world if it denies me of such basic humanity to even be myself authentically, and that the purpose I set out to achieve some 5 years ago when I entered adulthood isn't even achievable.
  8. Yesterday
  9. Agreed browri. There is a significant percentage of bi-polar people that have ADHD. And agreed again about the afternoon crash. It is the crash of the Amphetamines leaving your system that causes the mood swings when you have serotonin deficiency and are not taking the proper anti-depressant(s) dosage or no anti-depressant at all. Usually the misdiagnosis of bi-polar happens when the ADHD is treated with Amphetamines and the existence of a serotonin deficiency is not known. Then you get the sudden mood swings. I hope I'm messaging correctly on here. I'm new so in not sure I'm using the quote correctly.
  10. As long as there is a cover sheet accompanying the fax or electronic exchange verifying the ordering physician, in my state, we do not need a paper rx. What dosage you are taking is a good level. When I increase my .5 mg to 1 mg I feel depressed the next day and I have been taking Clonazapam 30 years. According to my psych doc, higher levels of Clonazepam can cause depression or worsen it. So, I try to stay at .5 mg a day, only at night. Due to my HMO putting limitations on a 30 day supply once a month, he increased my dosage so that I can stockpile the Clonazapem. We are doing this in defense to my HMO taking 2 weeks to fill my prescription each month which causes me to go into withdrawals. So, instead of ordering 30 tablets of .5 mg once a month to take once a day, he fills 60 tablets to take .5 mg twice a day, so I can stock pile the remaining 30 tablets should I need them and in the event my HMO slows way down my delivery. The minute my psych doc increased my dosage to 60 tablets, my HMO was all over him for prescribing that much to me. I am getting ready to get away from this HMO as they have given my psych doc a very difficult time lately with any of his psych meds. I have written continuously to member services about this, but it falls on deaf ears, so my psych doc just keeps prescribing the 60 tablets and deals with their phone calls.
  11. I had no childhood diagnosis. Like Gearhead, I didn't get a diagnosis until well into adulthood, in my case, in my early 40s. The relief, for me, came in that I suddenly had a rational explanation for my brain - a Consolidated Theory of Everything that put my senseless world into perspective. I had spent my entire life asking myself (and other people) Why am I different from everyone else? Why don't people understand me? Why does everyone's behavior baffle me? Why don't I get it? Why don't I want to get it? Now, suddenly, Eureka! I know why. Admittedly, at first, sorting through what it meant left me with some self-doubt. What is this 'disability' word? What do they mean 'disorder'? What do they mean by 'deficit'? I was a National Merit Finalist, for God's sake. My IQ was measured at the genius level (then I went to work for the government, so it's probably taken a dive since then). How can the diagnosis be telling me that I'm actually a factory second? I mean, according to the standards set by the Neurotypicals, I'm not keeping up the pace! Eventually, however, I've come to realize that the way to succeed at the game is not to play. No, I'm never going to meet Neurotypical expectations; I don't have the wiring. If I assume that Neurotypicality is the best way to be, then I have to accept that I can never be the best way to be. But I choose not to assume that. So what if they're Star-Bellied Sneetches? I'll be damned if I'm going to run through their machine to try to get a star on my belly. I don't need it. I was made this way, and I am perfectly functional as a Homo sapiens aspergensis. I do not, by the way, give two snaps what the compilers of the DSM have decided about what to call the Spectrum. I was diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome; the diagnosis was fitting and correct; and I have Asperger's Syndrome. I will continue to have it no matter how many times some Neurotypical decides to deprecate the term, because I own my autism. HopelesslyBroken, I don't imagine that my approach to the question is much help to you. From my earliest efforts to cope with a hostile world, my strategy has been to build a fortress within myself and defy the world that did not understand me. I decided to stand alone, to become everything that I needed (not always successfully) so that I would never need to leave myself vulnerable. I would become as perfect as possible so that I could not be rejected (a desperate gambit) and I would develop the ability to internalize and absorb my own emotional pain until it became a reflex. Once I learned my autism diagnosis, all those early defenses clicked on like a suit of armor, and now I really don't care one bit if I fit into the Neurotypical world. They can learn to get along with me. I am different, but equal. The difference between me and you, perhaps, is that you don't try to deceive yourself into believing that there is no pain. Unlike me, you may ultimately find a resolution.
  12. This is one of the worst parts of depression/anxiety for me. That feeling...like you've lost your self and personality almost completely. Hell, I'm not even sure it's only depression any more, it could be something else. A year of going through this has profoundly changed me, so I expect to feel somewhat different. But will I regain control of myself and personality, will I ever be able to have just an instant where I can belly laugh without being caught in ruminations? I've gone through this before and emerged, but it feels a bit worse with every relapse. More and more I just feel like I'm going crazy or something. Just thinking out loud, I like this forums for it. I know some of you have had this experience as well?
  13. No, that answer is great, it explains why it was a relief. Not that there needs to be a reason, but learning more about yourself is definitely a relief and I understand that. Somehow for me, being diagnosed hasn't taught me much of anything I didn't already know about myself. Maybe because I was still a child, I just didn't really need a label for what is different about me. I noticed that I am different from a very young age due to the types of environments I grew up in, and my responses to the trauma being extremely different to other kids, and to what was expected clinically. In kindergarten, I knew I was different because the other kids made friends and didn't get bullied, I have never been interested in friends and have always been more interested in learning in the educational setting, I never understood why friends or interacting needed to be part of that, and saw it as something that got in my way of learning. I knew I was different because other kids were more interested in more things than I was. They enjoyed things, and I didn't. They understood each other, but not me, nor did I understand them. So long story short, but I already knew I am different and being diagnosed didn't and still doesn't provide me any information about me that I don't know already. I don't see why I need to fit in anywhere, not saying that is what you're implying, because it isn't, but that desire just doesn't exist in me. Maybe my depression isn't organic, then. That is something I have always wanted to learn, what is actually depression and where does it come from. It seems most of where mine comes from is the trauma and negative shit in my life that results from being a minority figure. Obviously meds are not going to do anything for that. But no one seems to take that seriously. And you're right, no one notices or listens to me when I tell them the connections between my behaviours, cognitive style, learning style and being autistic, they don't want to hear it, because it sounds like an excuse to them. So I guess that explains why I am still stuck here. Would you say it is also uncommon for us to not respond to meds if we are mentally ill? That doesn't come from being autistic?
  14. What are you listening to right now?

    I'm only Human by Human League
  15. If you don't go to the hospital, could pdoc increase clozapine? Clozapine helps with psychosis and suicidal thoughts
  16. Yesterday was 1/2 a .50 pill in the morning and 3/4 in the evening. Today I took 1/2 more closer to the afternoon and may try just 1/2 of a pill this evening. I'm debating about maybe taking 1/4 spread out twice during the day and then 1/2 in the evening. My last normal Teva dosage was just 1/4 of a pill twice a day. My old pdoc was sort of moved to an inaccessible location from me so I because I was stable I was getting my meds from my physician (who once openly mocked my anxiety.) I spoke to my old pdoc on the phone and he mentioned he had a one patient also having issues with the Teva switch. He invited me to see him one of the days he works at the psych emergency room, but I sort of have issues with travelling when I'm in this condition. I thought Benzos couldn't be called into a pharmacy, in my state at least (NY). Did that recently change? I'm pretty sure he gave me a paper rx for the Actavis benzos back in June.
  17. Yeah I honestly don't know why this is legal. I do blame the doctors themselves for a lot of it but I think a bigger part of it is the knee-jerk reaction by lawmakers that put these policies in place. I think it's a bad move to get in the way of how doctors treat their patients. I think a lot of doctors are just doing CYA here because prescribing now is a huge liabitiy. I can't put the whole blame on the lawmakers though because I feel like AMA should be up in arms about this but they really aren't. The quality of my life changed when it started getting more difficult to get refills post Whitney Houston, but I've straight up lost an entire year of my life since I've been here and I don't see an end to it in sight.
  18. I had insomnia while I was titrating Lamictal, it went away once I was not titrating. Any time I changed the dose (300-600 mg) I had a short return of insomnia.
  19. Your Cleaning Goals!

    So pissed I yet again did no laundry... tomorrow, I must.
  20. nasal congestion?

    eek. definitely don't want to squirt that up my nose. thanks for the catch.
  21. I would consider a hospital trip ASAP. They will be able to address the intrusive/psychotic symptoms faster and maybe get u some calm or at least a bit of relief, with the added benefit of u being safe
  22. Don't judge the antipsychotic effect yet as 1.5 is the lowest dose and Vraylar takes a while for steady state
  23. 1) I think unless something really bad happens you won't know if it's gonna go or stay until u hit a therapeutic stable level 2) can you ask to take a bit more zyprexa instead of a whole new med? What dose are u on?
  24. https://www.nj.com/atlantic/index.ssf/2018/10/brain-eating_amoeba_that_killed_nj_man_likely_came_from_texas_water_park.html
  25. OK. I’m still a little confused about exactly what you’re asking, so forgive me if I don’t answer the question quite right. I didn’t find out I’m autistic until I was 39. It was a huge relief. The reason I pursued a diagnosis was that I was at a point where my bipolar was being pretty well controlled with meds but there was still something obviously “wrong” with me. I wasn’t having crazy mood episodes, but I still didn’t fit in. I was, and am, very different from other people. I got assessed for BPD first, but that diagnosis clearly didn’t fit. Someone here on CB suggested I check for autism, actually. So, I respond to meds; they treat the organic kind of crazy I have. I need therapy to deal with the messy and traumatic parts of my life. I was also abused as a child, not brutally the way you were, but nevertheless, it happened, and I deal with the repercussions. And I’ve also had a kind of therapy, or more like instruction, around how my autism affects me. Kind of a tutorial on how the traits of ASD apply to my specific behaviors, difficulties, and life patterns. There is a lot of ignorance and bad information out there about what autism is, and trying to manage in a world that doesn’t understand us is hard as hell. But autism isn’t a thing to be cured. If you have it, you need doctors who understand how it impacts your learning style and your cognitive functioning, and I don’t know how effective therapy could happen if that piece of you were ignored.
  26. I personally didn't experience any depression when I started on clonazepam , but everyone's different......Like @Dewey mentioned above, maybe it depends on your dosage. I wouldn't recommend taking any more expired pills, though.......Can you call your current pdoc and let him know the Actavis isn't working out?.........Maybe he could call in the wafers--they might be your best shot at this point.......I think I'm going to look into the wafers myself if the Accord isn't effective for me. I'm about to do my change to Accord next weekend, so I will post about that....Not looking forward to changing, but what else can we do when they are literally not making it anymore.....
  27. nasal congestion?

    thanks all! can't say I've heard of the brain eating ameoba. eek. I'm pretty sure that it's med-related rather than allergies because it times perfectly with when I started the drug and got progressively worse as i increased the dosage. I'm hoping that it goes away. I also take an antihistamine daily (plus sometimes benadryl with sleep) and get allergy shots. Otherwise, allergies would definitely make sense as a guess. I just took a shower and feel a ton better, so I'll add that to the list of remedies. Saline sounds like a good starting point.
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