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  1. Today
  2. give it a chance https://www.psycom.net/depression.central.topiramate.html
  3. I'm in a complete dark place right now.. It's been going on for quite some time..not sure how long anymore since everything is a blur.. I recently tried wellbutrin but was getting nothing but side effects that I just couldn't conquer or ride out.. We've tried several antidepressants with similar results.. I can usually power through but it's not worth it at some point.. So here I am.. Starting week 2 of 50mgs topamax..to be increased next week to 75mgs.. I see pdoc on the 3rd to see where this lands me.. This is to hopefully get me out of the darkness.. But I truly don't believe in this med.. What is the target dose for depression..is there such a thing.. I'm just hopeless at this point..
  4. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    i try to be honest so they know whats going on, and can fix me
  5. hello, hello, dear friend. xx i'll share my experience: i have had different things be considered my "most prominent feature" when inpatient, but frankly i don't think the topic comes up outside of that. if you were to ask me what i think my most prominent feature is, i would have a hard time between three things. i don't actually know what my psychiatrist would say it is at the moment as i'm largely symptom free (check your email :)). but i can give some examples from my history. i've been involuntarily committed most often because of 1. command hallucinations, which feed 2. delusions and make me 3. suicidal or destructive of property or guilty of breaking and entering. several times, as you know, i've been admitted due to self surgeries. those, too, tend to rest on 1 and 2. i have also been admitted for disorganized symptoms--once i was on here just prior and even my closest friends couldn't decipher what i was saying at times. so, at that admission, disorganized symptoms, formal thought disorder, was my most prominent feature. my most recent hospitalisation i was admitted for suicidality and command hallucinations. so, at that time those were my most prominent features. i suppose it's easy enough when someone is being admitted to identify this or that or these couple of symptoms as the "most pressing", you might say. and, thus, most prominent. when i'm more lucid, i think usually it's voices/delusions that inhibit my participation in the outer world and that keep me looking disorganised, unshowered, unkempt in general, and lacking self care. at this present time...i don't think i have a most prominent feature, though there is that underlying need to die, but it's barely a whisper compared to where it's been. i can tell you what i fear the most: the return of my command hallucinations. it isn't the most prominent feature insofar as presenting currently, but it is what stands to undo me permanently. so, i suppose it depends on how you define most prominent...most immediately noticeable? most likely to undo? most consistently present? most impairing? for all of those except most likely to undo, it has been different at different times and for different hospitalisations. even when i was in long term care, the most prominent were voices and catatonia. so, perhaps it's the common denominator? what is common to all of those times? voices. i've had voices to some degree for the last ten, twelve...maybe a bit more years straight. so much so that sometimes of late i've been, like, am i hearing voices again? like it feels as though i ought to be because they've been with me so long and through so much of a period in life where maturation and so forth occurs...we grew up together , in a sense; they've been a steady part of me. but then which came first? the thoughts or the voices? at this point, i don't know. i realise that's pretty circuitous, but hold out hope it's helpful. i see you. i've missed you. and i feel your struggle. remember: knowing you're sick and taking your meds consistently and fully...that's an accomplishment...i'm still teetering on that edge myself. endure, dear friend...for as long as you are able. and we will talk again soon. xx
  6. Yesterday
  7. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    I lie all the time to avoid hospitalization. I am not as honest as I should be regarding symptoms. But I do suffer because of it I think? So that's my own dumb fault.
  8. Yes i live whit them, the college is in the same city as we live.
  9. Writing this out helped me think through things and I decided to test the theory that this is related to discontinuation and go from there
  10. What are you listening to NOW?

    This is just fucking lovely. MBV cover. Ba da ba ba ba da ba ba baaa.
  11. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Pretty good (gasp). I was so busy all weekend, no time was spent doing chores, sitting inside, going online or ruminating about how meaningless my existence is. I was outside in the sunshine, walked a lot and was social for 3 days straight. Feeling oddly good. If only i could hold onto this!!!! But how??
  12. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    For the most part no. I tell him about symptoms and side effects, no problem. He did tell me to increase my lamotrigine when I was grieving for an uncle who died, but I did not increase it. A couple years later, I started having some depression creeping back in, so I had to confess that I did not increase the lamotrigine. He was OK with it, and we did increase the lamotrigine at that time (which was kind of why I did not increase in the first place). I don't drink a lot, so that's not really a factor; he knows I use cannabis regularly, but it's probably more than he thinks. Other than that, there's not really much time in an appointment to go beyond meds, moods, symptoms and side effects.
  13. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    I never lie about meds, side effects, or how I am feeling. However, my pdoc is big on my having a social life. For many people, I'd say this is good. But being social puts a LOT of stress on me and I like to avoid it. I do not get anything out of being social except a lot of stress. So when he brings up my social life, yes, I do lie. I don't need the lecture he always gives me.
  14. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    Like kittyloaf, yeah, kinda fudge on alcohol amounts. We talk about how things are going, not therapy, but he wants to know what I do to cope, how I handle things. He tends to frown when I suggest that multiple glasses of wine sometimes does the trick. Meds, though, I’m pretty honest. I’ve been a bit on and off with the lithium the last couple of years. I’ve explained that it tends to make me tired, and there have been extended periods where I just need more energy. Right now I’m compliant. He seems to understand, although tends to then push my next appt a bit sooner, to keep an eye on me. I like my pdoc aLOT, so try to not do anything to harm that relationship, or make him not trust me.
  15. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    This is a few years ago but I lied to my pdoc the amount of alcohol I drank...it was more than what I told him. I was able to quit drinking thankfully. There's been times when I didn't follow instructions for tapering off but otherwise I've been med compliant.
  16. Do you often lie to your pdoc?

    I must confess I do sometimes. The biggest lie was few years ago when I regularly came to her, took my prescriptions and didn't take the meds for almost one and a half year. It ended up with mania and psychosis of course and all came out. She wasn't angry with me, my family was though as I lied to them too. She only said I must have had some reasons to do that and she understands. I know it shouldn't work like this but knowing her for so many years I sometimes know exactly what she's going to say and do wiht my treatment and I must admit I manipulate the information I'm giving from time to time. Please tell me you do the same sometimes... or? are you always 100% honest with your doctor?
  17. I'm just wondering because well, I'm not really sure and I never have gotten a full explanation of how that works... Because for me it's not as clear cut as it is for some others I don't think.. I mean yes, I know that I'm sick and I take meds religiously because Zyprexa is literally why I'm at all coherent for any portion of time and, well disorganization is one of my prominent features but I'm also wondering what else is going on because I was... Well a therapist was basically fucking with my head for three years and even my psychiatrist agreed that said therapist was full of shit, even though our opinions on why she was a piece order of shit kind of varied carried in well it differed... The point is that I asked to see what my diagnosis was, and my psychiatrist let me see and... Well yes the schizophrenia diagnosis was there but also, well they're still loosely using the subtypes thing at least in my region and, she put down paranoid type and I was wondering how she got that because I don't talk much about myself ... I don't trust easily and maybe that's part of why I got the paranoid specifier... (?) Okay so my main question is: how do they, as in professionals, determine what your most prominent features are? I'm primarily asking about schizophrenia here but hey if you've got another disorder that has "types" and have some insight about how this works feel free to chime in. Thanks for reading if you did and I hope this made sense!
  18. I had another med change about 2 weeks ago. I was tapering off citalopram and I was supposed to start Trintellix immediately but my insurance required more paperwork and 12 business days to process it. Now I'm done the citalopram and still on Wellbutrin & Abilify. Things were going well, better even, until the citalopram was completely out of my system. At that point I started feeling really off. At first I blamed it on a cold/flu I'd been having, but that didn't quite add up. Now SSRI discontinuation seems to be the most likely cause. I'm not completely sure, but it fits best of the current possibilities. I've got headache, nausea, something like vertigo and something a bit like brain zaps. I've also got chills and cold sweats. Normally I'm reasonably good at managing side-effects, but with these ones I can't figure out what I can do to reduce the severity. Does anyone have suggestions of things I can try to make this more comfortable? Maybe I should restart the low dose of citalopram while I wait? I have really limited access to my pdoc. I don't see him for another 2 months.
  19. random thoughts!

    I want to understand how things works
  20. @browri Thanks so much for all the information! I guess that is one thing that stinks about AD's: they take a long time to kick in. I will be patient. Oh my goodness I hope it doesn't make my anxiety worse. I don't think I could bear that. But at the same time I'm so lethargic something a little more stimulating might be ok for me. Mania could be a potential problem for me as well. Something to keep an eye on for sure. I am on Nuvigil. I wonder if I will need to decrease the dose of that or if it is different from a stimulant med. I guess we will see. This is all IF I even get to try trintellix or another AD. I wonder what my pdoc's nurse will say. And who the covering pdoc is.
  21. What mood state were you in when this was added? Depressed or hypo? Or somewhat euthymic/dysthymic?
  22. Hey, @GettingUpThere! Sorry to hear you're having a hard time. It was my experience that Latuda could make me feel kind of panicky when I was starting it. 40mg or less was stimulating but 60mg+ was sedating. I'm taking Rexulti at the moment and find it to be on the calming end but stimulating at the same time. I take 1mg around 9PM and it does help me sleep, but during the day it is pretty activating. From an actual intrinsic activity perspective at the dopamine receptors, Vraylar and Rexulti are pretty similar. However, Rexulti is much stronger at the serotonin receptors than Vraylar which can contribute to Rexulti's antidepressant effects. I do believe I've gained some weight and had a bit of an increased appetite since starting Rexulti. But it has been minor and dose-dependent. I've also welcomed it a bit because Vyvanse can really kill my appetite and as such I don't maintain good eating habits. Ever since I've added Depakote and Rexulti, I have my appetite back. Despite the fact that Vraylar and Rexulti seem to stimulate the dopamine receptors with equal weight (although Vraylar is heavier on the D3 receptors than D2), Vraylar does seem to be more stimulating from what I've read of other persons' experiences and generally should be taken in the morning whereas Rexulti is generally better taken at night at least until you get to 1-2mg and then you can consider switching it to the morning if it does disturb your sleep. EDIT: What medications are you taking besides Latuda (if any)?
  23. This is fantastic to hear! Do you have increased appetite? Is it causing increased appetite? Is it more activating or more drowsiness? Thanks for getting back to me I so appreciate it!
  24. Latuda didn’t work for me either and had sleep issues but vraylar is great hope it works
  25. Not good. 😐 has drastically increased my anxiety, and major sleep problems. Now I just need to decide between vraylar and rexulti. Need to figure out which is less prone to cause weight gain.
  26. I’m back

    wow, I hope things will get more normal now . . wish you well
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