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  2. Well, he came back and now he's super depressed. I apologized for depressing him but I don't know what else to do. I feel like this is going to end my marriage if it keeps on like this. I already suggested making the topic off-limits but he said no to that. I'm going to suggest that we see my therapist together.
  3. assuming you had access to any of the many national support groups and it could fit in your schedule---which would you choose and why?
  4. Today
  5. SO they put me on Gabapentin Topamax Klonopin Ambien clonidine, and metoprolol and Cymbalta. I have been on them all before just not all at once. I start seeing a trauma specialist soon and that is very scary to me. I don't feel ready. My pdoc brought back up dissociation again which could be going on, I just thought I was passed that and knew how to ground myself.
  6. I've found that cold really help a lot when I'm really fighting the urges away. Ice cubes help if I squeeze them between my hands or hold them at the pulse points of my wrists, but that's not really something I can do in public. I haven't tried drawing positive things on myself (I used to write hateful things in Sharpie, but she found that the same night as the scars, so I stopped that after a few weeks). I've heard of the Butterfly Project, so I may try that if nothing else helps. I really need to sit down with her and talk about it, but I'm not really one to talk about how I'm feeling. I'll post more once I get signal. Thank you to everyone who's helping me. It took a long time to gather the courage to post on here.
  7. What other meds are you taking? I've been on Cymbalta, and it didn't cause fatigue for me. Of course, YMMV, but I'm curious.
  8. I was trying to avoid the topic but it always comes up in the car. I was talking about a salary offer that a recruiter made me for the field I'm currently in and the conversation drifted again. I can't get into the field I want to be in without having experience in the field. Obviously, I can't get experience in the field without getting a job in the field. It's a catch-22 and it's my own fault for not doing internships when I was in college. That's a mistake that I will apparently never recover from. I ended up venting my frustration over it and he took off after we got home. I don't know where he went, but it was obviously to get away from me. So now I'm just sitting here crying, again, except at least I'm doing it alone this time. I can't not talk about my career with him because it ties into our finances, and I have to discuss my interactions with recruiters in my field because it affects things like my current (terrible) job and my current salary.
  9. Hi, Ashley. I'm sorry to hear you're doing so badly. I'm also curious about what meds you're on. If they're keeping your frombeing depressed that's good, but feeling numbed out is not helpful either. I know that feeling. Are you working with a therapist, and does it help at all? You're under a hell of a lot of stress. Stress that would mess with the heads of people who aren't MI. I hope you won't be hard on yourself.
  10. And just in case if not, so we can cheer you on for the next one. <3
  11. My pdoc always ended each session with (and this is word for word), "and any thoughts to hurt yourself or anyone else? Are you seeing or hearing anything others can't see or hear? Any little green men or anything like that?" After hiding it the first couple times I heard them, I told him, "actually, yes. No green men, but voices." I'm grateful that my voices aren't commanding or hostile, as I feel it would have been much harder.
  12. Yesterday
  13. "The fragmented sense of self" is something that tugs on a memory from 2002. I was 39 years old and I had just finished having an EMDR session. Up until that point I had been living under the false memory that I had not been abused as a child, sexually. I knew that I had been physically and mentally and emotionally abuse, but I would bet the farm that I hadn't been abused sexually. Apparently when the flashes started coming back and I realized what was happening during the session it felt like that all of my inside organs were being pulled through my back (I was laying down) and I couldn't breathe. The psychotherapist said that I had a dissociative disorder, which meant that parts of myself had fragmented off so I could cover in or fill up all the nasty bits of memory and forget about it for 39 years. split wasn't a term being used at the time. But that's just my experience which of course is very limited.
  14. Thank you heilmania Nicely said
  15. Hi, the stress in my neck and my shoulders have been absolutely crazy for the last couple weeks. I was able to get into see a friend of mine who does massages. She had been working on my neck and my shoulders and telling me how freaking tight they were and somehow we started talking about a place in my upper back that's a little bit messed up. She asked me what happened and I told her that I had been crushed by a forklift in 1987. I was 25 at the time. I was young, I was in good shape, and it really didn't affect me one way or the other. I didn't feel emotionally or physically hurt. She asked me if I had been to therapy before, and I said sure for my childhood. She said, no I mean about the accident. I told her that I didn't really feel like a trauma had occurred. She said that she thinks my head and neck stuff are all related to the trauma associated with the accident. I'm not sure how to phrase this question, but have you ever had any psych therapy done for something you didn't realize it was a trauma? Did it help? Thanks
  16. That's a difficult situation. When I was SIing, it really bothered my partner, so I can imagine your friend worries about you. I can also say that in my experience with my partner and I both have mental health issues that we worry about each other, but times that I am having urges don't really cause his mental health to get worse and the same for me when he's feeling suicidal. I think rather than assuming you'll make things worse for her by talking about it you need to ask. I think that the fear of losing her over this is likely to make things harder, rather than less hard. It may help both of you to talk about it more when you're both in a sort of okay-ish place. I think that it's likely that the more open you two can be about it, the easier it may get on both sides. As for coping skills, I've found that when I have urges, having some company helps even if we don't talk about anything related to the urges. I can't say I ever had much finesse about my coping skills. Have you tried substitutions like drawing on yourself instead?
  17. I second what @birdonawire commented. All of it.
  18. Hi Kirby, If it was me, I would sit her down and ask her if she's going to feel more stressed out because she's worried that I'm going to cut or if she knows that I'm thinking about cutting? And then whichever answer she gives you just go with that and don't overthink it. I'd say that I was sorry that she found your stash, but maybe her finding it is going to help you get through when the voices are a little too loud and you feel the urge. ^My opinion only^ >^^<
  19. I'm not saying you're wrong- I'm saying the way you said it is wrong. "Come back when..." is dismissive at best. In respect to the OP, if you would like to discuss this further, PM me.
  20. No I don't think it rude. The simple fact is that until you try the range of doses available for the med and have been at the max, tolerated dose for a while poop out is not in the picture. We all know that doses are not set in stone and it is common to need to adjust the dose. sometimes up. If you tried a handful of AD's at half the lowest dose suggested by the manufacturer you will have lousy results.
  21. Yikes! That's a bit of a rude way to put it, no? Let's try to put on our kindness hat, because telling someone to come back when they're at the max dose ain't nice. @compcode000, I'd bring this up with your doc. Perhaps they can increase your dose or add something on to provide you some relief. And don't try playing with your meds without talking to the doc first.
  22. I will. As long as I am selected for an interview.
  23. Have you explained the severity of your symptoms to your doctor? They may be able to give you something that works in days rather than weeks to bridge the gap if you are having so much trouble. My doc did that for me with Remeron, taking me back off of it when the Effexor I was taking caught up and had time to be fully effective. You need to be able to function, and what you're describing sounds pretty terrible. FWIW, anxiety and depression often go hand in hand. It's pretty common to see those diagnoses together. I'd recommend checking out what has already been posted (resources often pinned to the top) in the anxiety and depression boards, even the OCD board (lots of racing thoughts and persistent thoughts) as well as some of the boards wayyyy at the bottom of the home page that recommend things. I'm sure you'll get additional responses to this post, too, which will be great, but I wanted to make sure you remember to check out the wealth of accumulated knowledge CB already has as well. As for me, the best advice I can give is to know thine enemy: negative thoughts. Thoughts are only thoughts. They can't come after you any more than a hallucination can. They're not reality. They're just persistent. Studying my mental illnesses has been a huge help. When I'm having a very anxious or depressed day, I read about anxiety or depression. Anything I can find. Medical stuff, especially. Wikipedia helps with decoding the doctor speak. I also recommend writing tons of pages of how you're feeling. Luckily, we have a nice blogging section here Anyway, don't be a stranger. Stay connected with us crazies as well as your support circle.
  24. My best friend/roommate found out I cut myself about a year-and-a-half ago and tried to get me to stop (long story, I basically got black-out drunk and she found the cuts while helping me into bed). I hid it from her for maybe a year afterwards. Well, a couple days ago, she walked in on me organizing my first-aid supplies and tools and put two and two together. She confronted me and asked me to stop. I told her I've been trying and I'm still trying. She told me to text or call her the next time I want to. My dilemma is we both have anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts, so I don't want to make her worse with my problems. I'm so mad at myself for getting caught again. She threatened to throw my stuff away, but finally said she wouldn't if I promised to try to stop. It's so hard when that voice gets louder and tells you you're a failure and your best friend is going to leave you because of your issues. So, long story short, do y'all have any tips to help the urges at least calm? Thank you in advance, everyone
  25. Congratulations! I hope you post an update :-)
  26. It's not that the board is dead. It's more the case that people may sign in anonymously by their choice. Also, the MTHFR gene thing is kind of specialized and not as wide of a topic as, say, experiences with inpatient. More people have experiences with inpatient hospitalization, so it's likely to get more responses faster than something that's a little less common.
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