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  2. Try taking it every night for a month, and then try it without and see what happens. Sometimes it can reset your sleep cycle and you won't need it anymore, or only occasionally.
  3. I think you mean Restoril. It isn't the medicine for everyone, but I am glad to hear it is working well for you.
  4. I've had bipolar for many years. The last 5 I've had a terrible problem with sleep,even though I take my bipolar meds. My doctor has tried several things for sleep,but nothing worked. Recently he tried Restporil,it is amazing! I finally sleep all night,8 to 9hrs. The next morning I don't feel hung over,actually I don't feel like I took anything. I hope this helps.
  5. Today
  6. Seems I'm going to be the poster child for novel, off-label meds to kick this... the latest (after my latest attempt with ketamine) is buprenorphrine, or suboxone... approved as a med for opiate addicts, kind of the methadone for opiates... but brand new research shows antidepressant properties! It's supposed to work in hours so that's good, at least no waiting around! I'll start it in the morning so I'll come back and report. anyone ever heard of it used as an antidepressant or any other facts? Not much out there I could find besides for addicts :-/
  7. I'm sorry, Geek, that you are hurting. Honestly, when I am at my lowest, all I can do is distract myself. That leads to me spending way too much time on the internet or watching TV or even both. My pdoc would say that it is unhealthy, but then again, I don't think he understands depression outside of the clinical sense. When I feel a little better, I throw myself into more productive endeavors. For me, it's all about getting outside of my head.
  8. In nearly all (all?) it's a partial reduction as woo get the acquittal of sorts, but then you get committed to the nearest psych ward indefinitely (subject to periodic review by an administrative law judge or magistrate judge). it's not to say you'd never get out, but the periodic reviews require some convincing that it's not going to happen again essentially and then are usually progressive in nature. that's to the degree there's anything uniform. the real answer matches the "it's left to the states" which is that it varies a lot. it's mostly a defense of last resort because of how infrequently it succeeds and how bad the consequences can be.
  9. What do you do when everything hurts? When the pain and sadness is so overwhelming that it's hard to breathe and all you can do is cry or just... stare into space? There's not even a reason for it except that I suck.
  10. Risperdal was super effective for my mania and psychosis, but it unfortunately raised my prolactin levels. I couldn't handle the side effects of that. It's a shame because I really benefited from it otherwise.
  11. Nobody is diagnosed in my family but they all need therapy. Some I believe would meet criteria for some disorders.
  12. It's on my father's side. My grandmother was hospitalized and had ECT. My aunt has to take benzos because she gets a reaction to anything else. Then there is me, the complete basket case. My grandmother on my mother's side was not completely sane either. She was very borderline and put the men in her life through living hell. She would also tend to get depressed sometimes, but was never medicated. Her "medicine" was listening to NPR various times of the day and night. She would turn on the radio, get sick of it, turn it off, wait a few seconds and turn it back on.
  13. I used to be able to do that, but more recently I've been going without looking at any part of the face.
  14. I'm getting better at grounding! My challenge is that I keep thinking in very catastrophic ways that I'm in trouble and that it will be exceedingly life-altering if I get found out. I need fairly constant reminders that this is not, in fact, the case.
  15. I loved risperidone. It was the first drug I took that made me stable. However, being an idiot, I stopped it and never got the same effect the second time I tried it.
  16. Not so much though I do have an aunt with depression and anxiety so that counts I guess. I don't know of anyone else who has/had mental illness in my family.
  17. Aside from checking in with another person, my tdoc has taught me to ground myself if I'm hearing voices or whatever. You can do it in various ways. Focus on something in your environment like a picture on the wall or music. Focus all you can on that something and take some deep breaths and reconnect with reality.
  18. Yes. Bipolar and depression/anxiety run in my mom's side of the family. No one communicates with anyone anymore because we are all so fucked up.
  19. I'm glad you got your question answered.
  20. TheIsland - Please carefully consider what Wooster has told you. There are several things to consider here: First, you must determine whether your therapist is, in fact, making actual sexual advances on you with intent. What evidence is there that brings you to this conclusion without any doubt? Is it at all possible that you have misconstrued some behavior of hers? Is it at all possible that your strong desire or need for someone to behave in such a way is affecting your perception? If these are possibilities, then you must take a step back and re-evaluate. Several factors argue against the idea that your therapist is doing so. 1) Such behavior is directly contrary to her professional training, her Duty of Care for you as a patient, and her professional code of ethics. 2) Such behavior is illegal, and she could face serious consequences as a result. 3) She is married, and swore vows to her husband. In order for you to accept that she is truly making advances on you with intent, you must accept that she is willing to abandon all the professional and personal vows she has taken, and risk serious legal consequences, including the loss of her livelihood, in order to have sex with you. This does not seem like a rational action on the part of your therapist. For the moment, however, let us assume that you have incontrovertible evidence of her intent, and every reason to believe that she does indeed plan to follow this unethical and illegal course of action. The question then arises, why would you want to have anything to do with such an unethical, self-destructive individual, who, if she's planning on doing this, plainly cares nothing whatever about your mental well-being? While the thought of enjoying the activity may be very tempting, you should also realize that there will be fallout. There is always fallout. 1) You will no longer have a therapist. Even if the two of you somehow managed to keep the affair hidden, it would fundamentally alter the patient-therapist dynamic, and it would be impossible afterward to benefit from therapy with her. 2) It is extremely likely that she will abandon you; and why not? A person willing to abandon her marriage vows would think nothing of leaving someone to whom she had no attachment. 3) In the aftermath of something like this, the difference between what you have said you yearn for, "closeness and love", and the adventurism of casual sex, is set off in stark and often dismaying contrast. I fear that you would, probably sooner rather than later, find that any closeness and love were fleeting at best; at worst, a tissue of lies used to lead you astray. Now, let us set the therapist aside for a moment and consider your ethics. You are aware that your therapist has a spouse, has an ethical bar to sexual relations with you, and could suffer serious legal consequences if she did so. You nonetheless indicate that you intend to go forward with it. Most of your post is taken up with arguments in which you attempt to rationalize this decision based on an observation that fate and other people have been unkind to you. From this you conclude that "it seems only obvious to live in the moment and take advantage of every possible situation" and care nothing about other people. This is a nihilist/Nietzschean perspective that, taken to its logical extent, ends with sociopathy and anarchy. You say that you fell like you are "a terrible person for this" – we are not here to stand in judgment on you. That's not what this site is for. But I would gently suggest that you posted here because something in your heart of hearts is telling you that no matter how much you reallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreallyreally want to do this... it's wrong. There is a Better Angel of YourNature saying, "Don't do this, buddy, this is Trouble. Run far away." I think you already know it. I think you already know that even if you did it, you would feel like dirt later for having done it. I think you already know that it would all end badly, badly, badly, badly, and you would end up hurting worse than before. And it's your virginity, for God's sake. Save it for someone who actually loves you, or at least for a friend. Think hard, and be at peace.
  21. Same with me. And sometimes the only way I can "win" when standing up for myself is to have another person there to back me up ... then magically I am believed. I've pretty much given up trying to stand up for myself any point because it goes in one ear and out the other because they wont believe me. So it is like why even talk.
  22. Just got back from talking to my Pdoc. They are going to start me on haloperidol to hopefully help with symptoms. I am also to increase my lamotrigine. Well, we'll see what happens. Besides MI stuff, my health has been poor for over a month now, and my Pdoc says this may have been the root of a flare up now. I've also just lost the best therapist I ever had. Anyone have experience with haloperidol? I will only be taking 1-2mg a day for now. Poem
  23. I would say it's uncommon in my family, I have an Aunt that would swear her dreams were real and call the cops on family members for ludicrous things. I have a Cousin that apparently used to hear voices and was Hospitalized before. Another cousin of mine may suffer from mental illness, or she might just be using it to push buttons and get her way (i guess it depends on if you think ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) is mental). And I was diagnosed as Bipolar-NOS and used to struggle with self harm, but while I occasionally may struggle sometimes I have never went back to cutting. And now my Uncle is Hospitalized for following people, and he said that God told him to follow these people for some reason, seems odd at his age of almost 40.
  24. Mostly just the depressive thoughts. Not so much delusions. If they are there - they are temporary... And it is more about agitation, and kind of overlaps hyperfocus (ADHD) and is really more subtle than full out delusions. I do sometimes have severe insomnia, but only for 4-5 days, but that was mostly with ADHD meds. I was diagnosed ADHD first. I also feel like life is over at times and everything is spinning out of control - catastrophizing. I had bad or no reactions to depression and anxiety meds. I may have had full blown mania with Effexor for several months, as I was going through a horrible time but that happened once at 19-21 (one of those years, can't recall exactly). I was actually going through extortion at the time... but I think I believed things were worse than they actually were. I was manipulated by someone who played on my "instability" and I think whatever my true issues are coupled with memory problems, made the outcome far worse than just the events. Most issues long term are executive function issues - related to ADHD, and emotional regulation problems. I have said and intended to become "A God" at times, but that was more narcissism than me believing I actually am a God. Not sure if that's answers anything. Good feelings are fleeting, bad feelings are pervasive. I could succeed and the next day feel like I'm still screwed in life. Most of my sleeplessness was stress related and the fact I take longer to get my work done than normal people, or because I begin when its already due (ADHD stuff). Much of my experience can fit ADHD + traumatic life events. But it doesn't fit just pure depression, because the meds set me off. I felt lifted, happy, capable, and in control on lamotrigine, but I quit it. I am thinking of trying tegretol or trileptal or maybe latuda. Quite often I talk like there's too much information to get out ( I guess "Pressured speech") and since I was a kid I wrote like 2000-3000 words. Arguing with a friend or girlfriend or family member, I often would write/ text like 1000 words per minute (filling up the max length of 20-40 messages). That's why I don't text angry ! Anyways, I think I fit BPII like 80% or maybe lower or higher and I know I fit ADHD totally (like 1000%). But then why don't its meds solve everything? During the episode in my early 20's, I was under threat of violence. BUT I did not see that some of my friends were actually quite manipulative. I had raised the dose of effexor and at some point it went from making my anxiety better to turning me into an alcoholic train wreck. I was using drugs and at times completely out of my mind. Its strange because I was completely straight edge just a year and a half prior. While the threat of violence was real, it was mostly towards my former friends -- who were dealing. In the absence of effexor I would have seen that they were using me to save them -- and I would have not gotten into further trouble to protect them (which was a huge mistake). Also my parents, brother, etc report me doing and saying things that were quite out of character. ADHD explains being late, disorganized, playing catch up in school, but it doesn't explain feeling high on no sleep (in the absence of any susbtance)... nor some of the other things -- acting completely out of character. Much of my more severe traumatic events in life were alcohol/drug related. BUT I pretty much quit drinking, and got healthy again and still screw up things. The diagnosing physician (only saw once, hard to see this guy) said "I strongly suspect you have bipolar II, I don't think you have bipolar I". When I first moved to my current city, I was an alcoholic and trying to my life together from the betrayal of my friends... but it was more than that. The depression and anxiety - should have resolved. On BOTH MEDS -- I felt like 80-90% of what a normal person (kind of) would feel like. But maybe, I can find a slightly more suitable med for the BP. As a kid, I described "anxious thoughts spinning out of control" as anxiety attacks, and the "wanting to die, life is over, I'm fucked" thoughts as depression - after screwing things up. (School, career related) -- then later I accepted most of that was not living up to my potential. Being "smart" but still messing things up -- ADHD and its non treated things. I posted questions on Reddit Bipolar (after finding Reddit ADHD quite useful). I deleted my account there but I had like 60 replies and most of them saying something like "Get treatment now." I don't know wtf. I hope something works and doesn't jack me up with side effects. I WISH Lamotrigine didn't mess with my stomach and my hair, otherwise I'd stay on it. It killed a depression in September and January in like 1-2 weeks. It's like my symptoms are cerebral and visible - in terms of rapid speech, and pacing, and movement at times. But most people that meet me briefly (I don't find long term friendships/relationships easy to keep, and for many years was decidedly against them). I fell and blacked out around my 21st birthday (first of many -- but I don't anymore). My friends back then were in trouble and maybe I was in real trouble or not... maybe they just saw me as a way to fund things. I think some of them were real and did care about me, but 1 was a psychopath for real, and turned us against each other, and mostly them against me. That episode resulted in a ruined name, having to relocate, financial ruin, academic ruin/postponement, and A LOT of disillusionment and confusion. I thought maybe I had brain damage. I used to walk and wander in a haze trying to piece together what the hell had happened (unsuccessfully of course). It wasn't til 4-5 years later I said fine I'll get a Psychologist, then Psychiatrist and treated ADHD. 3 years later trying to treat that and BPII. Its a nightmare. BUT it could be worse! What happened then was probably some sort of perfect storm: Untreated ADHD + Alcoholism + Contraindicated medication due to untreated BPII (or something very similar) + Sociopathic friends + escapism (from responsibilities - by clubbing/drinking) + Anxiety Most of that is "solved" - just need to get the BP med right and get into a career that works so I can truly move on. Unless the cognitive issues -- are purely BP and I don't have ADHD and the ADHD meds are making BP worse. I hope not. But that's a fear. I hardly take the ADD meds half the time though, but I see my life fall apart without them. Coffee does not cut it. But treating that alone does not cut it that greatly either. Other symptoms: Also hypersexual at times, but not acting on it, but then sometimes acting on it in risky, unsafe ways. Porn addiction - fixed, but then risky sex that makes me worry and need STI testing. Also intrusive thoughts. Can't stop thinking. Sex obsessed but usually don't act on it because I prioritize success / other goal directed activity, that I'm mostly bad at anyways - cuz of the ADHD stuff. Also self medicated (both disorders?) with cocaine for a couple years, and legal stimulants when I was younger. -I can be functional on REAL drugs, but on marijuana - I felt fucking insane when I smoked during 20-21, it took me a while to realize that's not a normal reaction. Seeing, hearing things, acting and saying things that were very weird. Anxiety, paranoia, ADHD , and crawling out of my skin feeling were amplified like 100-1000 times. That must have been sativa / high THC stuff. Trying to get CBD/ or indica medically. Its not that bad - the indica I tried by myself -- outside of partying or with others - a microdose. I feel and act pretty messed up with no drugs also. I run into traffic when its nearly too late sometimes (when crossing) and used to get into near fights/altercations like 4-5 times a month. I don't anymore thank God. Sometimes I see shadows or things that I cant tell what they are - a person or a creature... but that's vision and imagination or something.
  25. I normally reality check with (now the new) chat. I might be able to reality check with my mother; I until recently hid my psychotic symptoms from both of my parents, but letting them know actually went over much better than I expected, so I might be able to reality check with her (she's a semi-retired tdoc) (my father on the other hand does not really understand any of this).
  26. I know ... I am pretty strong emotionally when it comes to stuff , I have had a lot happen in my life . but everyone has a breaking point. It really is, I feel like a second class citizen sometimes. it's shitty. I don't get the same respect as I do as others.
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