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yellowlovesgray

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About yellowlovesgray

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  1. I just started a thread -- I quit after 5 years, and it took almost six months to feel better. I started to hate Adderall, and I felt HORRIBLE on it. Aside from the mood swings, I felt like death. Drained most of the time. When doctors say there's no withdrawal, I feel like I don't understand that word lol. I definitely felt off my rocker for weeks. Then I still felt bad but less so and couldn't function, and it was last week I started feeling human. Feel great the last 3 days, but still don't have the concentraion to work. it's getting better though. I honestly thought I had Cushing's disease on Adderall. Gained about 70 lns and it baffled me. I looked pregnant and still have moon face, but my stomach is getting better. I will_never take it again.
  2. I'd been on a high dose of Adderall for ADD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I stopped it in December, and last week I started to feel normal. The last 3 days, I feel better than I've felt in YEARS. I also gained about 70 lbs., oddly, on Adderall and had so much stomach bloat I thought I had Cushing's -- my body turned into that shape and I got moon face.. I cannot believe, even with short med vacations, how terrible I felt. I got used to it. I had fatigue beyond fatigue, I felt drained. My muscles were constantly test. I was all kinds of more depressed, panicky, etc. espeiclaly if I didn't have it. I couldn't function without it. I DO have ADD, and it's hard for me to find the drive to do actual work, but I feel normal again and like living and having fun. I can't believe it took close to 6 months though. So strange. Non-stim ADD meds don't really work for me, so not sure what I'll do next since I tried Ritalin too. But oh well, I'm happy to not feel like death. I literally wouldn't leave the house for a month at a time and definitely not bed more than a few times a day, everything hurt. I watched a TON of tv and Youtube because it was the most I could do most days. Anyone else have this happen?
  3. I hate Adderal. It's an unfortunate necessity at this very moment, but my_god I hate it. I've tried to go off it several times - I've been off it for 2, 3 and 6 month stretches - but without it, I can_not function. I feel 1000% better emotionally, but there's no way I can work. I'm self-employed and can take time off when I need it, but I would love to just be stable and normal enough to have a regular job again. But I don't even undesrtand my own software or basic organization and work principles enough to get ANYTHING done at this point without it. I know there was life before Adderral. I just don't know how to get back there. I just went on a 3-month stretch of doing nothing and being off the drug, but I've recenlty had to return to working. I've tried Ritalin, Vyvanse and Straterra and didn't have luck with any of those for different reasons. I feel kinda upset/angry too with my last psychiatrist (well, I guess all of them in a way), for how...EASY they make it sound to stop taking it. They all swear that therer's no long term side effects, no withdrawal, etc. -- and that very well may be true in terms of medical definitions, but I would really have appreciated someone telling me the truth about how I'd feel once I'd stopped taking it, and how to deal. Because I'm not simply in the place I was before I started taking it, I'm in a much, much worse place. And I think attributing it ALL to "well it's been years and your ADD would have gotten progressively worse anyway" is a copout. It's more than just the focus. There's energy issues. There's cognition issues. My energy levels are actually consistently better OFF Adderal. That crash is no joke and it leaves me feeling more drained than I've ever felt in my life. I've had rounds and rounds of endrocronological testing and labwork over the years and seriously -- nothing I've ever been treated for effects my energy as much as Adderal. It just is what it is.
  4. I have Clonazapam to take, and I'd been tapering down, but I took a larger dose last night and I'm still stuck in panic mode. I have some situational reasons why that are scary, but I can't do anything about them at the very moment. I don't know how to snap out of this. It started about two days ago.
  5. Have you ever fallen off the radar with work stuff? I'm self-employed and had a challenging Jan and Feb — I'm so ashamed that I wasn't able to funtion. I'm issues refunds on some things soon but I feel so terrible reading the texts and emails I've been avoiding. I don't know what to say. But I wasn't stable, and I'm still not, and it was a horrific stretch for me for a lot of reasons. I lost so many great opportunities and ruined so many amazing business relationships.
  6. Valium "bad stuff" ...?

    My pdocs have always been hesitant to prescribe it for me, but I do believe it's one of the longest-acting benzos, which would make it more desireable I would think in terms of coming off it someday. BUT, I just tapered off Clonazapam and I'm in hell still. My opinions might be tainted.
  7. Benzo withdrawal?

    Oh and also, my current psychiatrist will only RELUCTANTLY call in a small "gap" refill (6-7) after I've gone several days without. Before this psychiatrist, my old one went on VACATION in another country and took his entire staff (I think they're all family(, and he had nobody answering phones and I had to go to the ER. He did NOT tell me he was going on vacation. When I brought it up he just said he was human. He was supposed to call it in before he left but he didn't. So then, I decided to try calling early because it was hard to get a hold of him, and he said that if I EVER called and left multiple messages again (I left three over 2 days), then "YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN." He was really creepy about it.
  8. Benzo withdrawal?

    My PCP did it once, but will not do it ever again. I also tried changing my PCP and seeing a different doctor back home while visiting my mother, and they said they simply do not prescribe anything "narcotic." I tried explaning that I was afraid of a withdrawal seizure, and ALL of these doctors just say "Go to the ER." One said she wouldn't fill it because "I don't consider that a seizure medication." WTF? How can she not know about withdrawal seizures? I'm baffled none of my doctors are concerned about it. And it's been this way in my neck of the woods forever. I've had to go to the ER a few times in the last few years. I even show them my bottles so they can see my dosage and the dates, etc. and nothing. NOBODY except the ER can do it. I've also seized in workplaces before. I don't understand how they expect me to be functional in this state.
  9. Benzo withdrawal?

    OK so I live in North Texas, and the last 2 years or so there's been an enormous crackdown among psychiatrists and the ones in my area are leery of prescribing benzos. I've been trying to taper off and I'm just about almost there, but is there ANYTHING I can do to make the *physical* withdrawal symtoms stop? They're HORRIBLE and just put me out of commission for 38 days because I couldn't get a refill. I started to conserve them before I ran out, and I WAS able to get down to an even lower dose, but I can't just go off Clonazapam completely yet and my doctor wants me to. I want to be off it just as bad. I started taking it several years ago (I was put on it for sleep and restlessness/akathesia, which might not have been the best move, and also for crippling anxiety). Years ago my doctor would give me 3 refills and they won't do that anymore. I was stable then and just saw my psychiatrist every 3 months. But now, going month to month with it, it's become a nightmare. If I can't get an appointment with my psychiatrist EXACTLY one month after my last one, then I'm left without the clonazapam, sometimes for a week. So thinking maybe it's not good for me to wait until the last minute to ask for a refill, I'll call a few days ahead to have it be on her radar, but then I'll get in trouble for "running out too early," when I haven't run out yet. I feel like I can't win right now on Clonazapam and I just want to not take it anymore. The withdrawals are terrible and they don't go away as quickly as I thought they would. I hate being dependent on this drug just to be functional, and have gaps in a week here and there every MONTH where I'm non-functional. I can't work this way. How do I lessen the tremors, the shaking, etc.? And the cognitive issues? I did NOTHING for 38 days really. Just lay around hoping I wouldn't seize.
  10. I have an appointment coming up. Of course the feeling of that one day went away, so I'm back to a depressive awful space, but in the least I'm hopeful. My doc will likely not prescribe Flexoril off label for this, but yeah - I'm hoping the information can be useful.
  11. Thank you! I've tried what feels like hundreds of cocktails, but I've never tried the tricyclics and my docs have never brought them up. Thank you again!
  12. I've tried so many treatments and cocktails over the last 12-14 years or so, but the last 9 years my depression and anxiety have become almost debilitating. I had an accidental breakthrough, and I need help understanding why this worked. I had a MIRACLE breakthrough by chance...I've been Googling to figure out how to make this fly the correct way with my psychiatrist, because this was an off-label accident and there's no way on god's green holy earth a psychiatrist will prescribe this for me and I don't want to go down a road "abusing" something else to feel baseline. Long story short, I have some other chronic conditions that cause some pain and sciatica flare ups. In the past doctors have given me a few meds to manage it, but I avoided taken them for a few reasons. One gave me terrible nausea, Tramadol severely worsened my depression, and Vicodin was very pleasant but i DID feel "high" and euphoric. I became leery of it all and a few months ago was prescribed Flexoril, and I picked up the prescription but never touched it. The pain and flareups are bad but not debilitating for my situation at the moment, so I didn't wanna risk some wacky side effect. Well about 2 nights ago the sciatica DID become unbearable, and so I finally cracked open the Flexoril. O.M.G. I slept nice, but it was the moment I woke up. I hadn't felt so close to baseline in so many years. It felt like the first day of the rest of my life. It didn't feel necessarily euphoric, I just felt an absense of impending doom. And I was able to feel a slight range of emotions again. I got normal perspective back vs. hyper anxious sky-is-falling if this doesn't get done feeling. I try coping skills and other things I've learned in therapy to combat this thinking and logically I'm aware that the sky is indeed not falling, but my body and brain can't stop that sensation from feeling within. My day was typical, but pleasant. Normal. Again not euphoric, the way Vicodin makes me feel, just pleasant. I actually left the house for lunch with my roomate, and didn't check my phone compuslively for emergency texts from a client. I just felt like "I'm allowed to give myself a break for lunch. My projects are on time and the client and I are very in sync with communication," the way a normal self-employed adult would. I had a pleasant conversation with my mom that I enjoyed. I chatted with a neighbor while I was checking my overstuffed mailbox. I felt desires to clean my room, but felt normal and OK with the fact that my day was full, so it's ok if it doesn't happen immediately — it's on "the list." I felt so...normal. I didn't need the Flexoril that night, and the next day was sorta ok, but had the impending doom and depression symptoms I usually have, but on a lesser scale. I had another pain situation last night, and again needed the Flexoril, and again, today — normal and pleasant AF. Nothing special about my day, this is the same day I've had for a few years, there's just no impending doom feelings. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. I did some Googling, and I eventually read someone say that Flexoril is similar to the tricylic antideprssanes, which I've never tried. Could there be hope in that? I don't want to go down the path of abusing Flexoril to feel normal, but it's like it cured my symptoms overnight. But, not truly — I get that it wears off as quickly as it works. But where in there is my answer? This has given me hope. HOPE. Genuine feelings of HOPE and not just logical ones. I haven't felt a glimmer of this in any true way in nine years.
  13. I had a MIRACLE breakthrough by chance...I've been Googling to figure out how to make this fly the correct way with my psychiatrist, because this was an off-label accident and there's no way on god's green holy earth a psychiatrist will prescribe this for me and I don't want to go down a road "abusing" something else to feel baseline. Long story short, I have some other chronic conditions that cause some pain and sciatica flare ups. In the past doctors have given me a few meds to manage it, but I avoided taken them for a few reasons. One gave me terrible nausea, Tramadol severely worsened my depression, and Vicodin was very pleasant but i DID feel "high" and euphoric. I became leery of it all and a few months ago was prescribed Flexoril, and I picked up the prescription but never touched it. The pain and flareups are bad but not debilitating for my situation at the moment, so I didn't wanna risk some wacky side effect. Well about 2 nights ago the sciatica DID become unbearable, and so I finally cracked open the Flexoril. O.M.G. I slept nice, but it was the moment I woke up. I hadn't felt so close to baseline in so many years. It felt like the first day of the rest of my life. It didn't feel necessarily euphoric, I just felt an absense of impending doom. And I was able to feel a slight range of emotions again. I got normal perspective back vs. hyper anxious sky-is-falling if this doesn't get done feeling. I try coping skills and other things I've learned in therapy to combat this thinking and logically I'm aware that the sky is indeed not falling, but my body and brain can't stop that sensation from feeling within. My day was typical, but pleasant. Normal. Again not euphoric, the way Vicodin makes me feel, just pleasant. I actually left the house for lunch with my roomate, and didn't check my phone compuslively for emergency texts from a client. I just felt like "I'm allowed to give myself a break for lunch. My projects are on time and the client and I are very in sync with communication," the way a normal self-employed adult would. I had a pleasant conversation with my mom that I enjoyed. I chatted with a neighbor while I was checking my overstuffed mailbox. I felt desires to clean my room, but felt normal and OK with the fact that my day was full, so it's ok if it doesn't happen immediately — it's on "the list." I felt so...normal. I didn't need the Flexoril that night, and the next day was sorta ok, but had the impending doom and depression symptoms I usually have, but on a lesser scale. I had another pain situation last night, and again needed the Flexoril, and again, today — normal and pleasant AF. Nothing special about my day, this is the same day I've had for a few years, there's just no impending doom feelings. I could go on and on, but you get the picture. I did some Googling, and I eventually read someone say that Flexoril is similar to the tricylic antideprssanes, which I've never tried. Could there be hope in that? I don't want to go down the path of abusing Flexoril to feel normal, but it's like it cured my symptoms overnight. But, not truly — I get that it wears off as quickly as it works. But where in there is my answer? This has given me hope. HOPE. Genuine feelings of HOPE and not just logical ones. I have not felt this way in close to a decade.
  14. This is the part that kills me. I'm a BEAST at what I do so I'm self-employed, but the isolation of that doesn't help my condition. I got 2 AMAZING jobs in the last two months and had to leave both. ITA about the employment market being hostile and designed to just make you give up or fail. I chose these two opportunities out of dozens because of the lack of bullshit. Still, one was deceptive with their hiring, the second one, well they just thought I wasn't taking the work seriously and they questioned my physical health a lot. It made me uncomfortable and sent my anxiety soaring. It sucks because they were both VERY cool, rewarding and for me easy jobs to do with a cool atmosphere and neat perks — the first was 6 figures even and the workday was 8:30 am — 4:30 PM with TWO LUNCH HOURS. One at noon, another at 2pm. But, the recruiter that hired me for that lied to me about a huge detail of the job. If I'd been less ill I could have dealt with it but I couldn't right now. But yes all the hoops, the time wasted, etc. This summer one company led me through 4 4-hour interviews and told me their applicant pool was terrible, were practically planning morning commutes with me, etc., then invited me to a 2 hour lunch. I was tossed from the process altogether because of something health-related making me run a litle late (had to do with my vision and an eye exam, nothing mental), and they said it was no problem whatsoever, and they had me a pick a restuarant and then we rescheduled for the following week. I got the rejection letter from HR over the weekend. Sigh. I kinda do this too... I'm not suicidal by means of sheer logic: what if I do it wrong and wind up in a worse state? I'm at the point where I actually expressed interest in donating a kidney to a stranger I read about. Like, I don't really care what happens to me anymore. I'm just not gonna end it. But if missing a kidney puts me closer to an end and helps someone in the process I'm fine with that. I'm just waiting out a clock.
  15. Nothing really. I take Adderall, and for about 3 hours I almost care about things, but it's false. It's just that "euphoria" if you want to call it that, of the amphetamines. I'm giving CDB oil a stab and I've been saying for a few years I'm gonna go ahead and invest in the ketamine therapy even though it's not FDA regularted yet, BUT I just learned it's now available not only in my area but my CITY and the prices have become a LOT more reasonable. Going to call and inquire about an appointment. I have to do something. I can't exist like this. I care about and feel nothing. It's cost me everything.
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