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About yellowlovesgray

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  1. Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    Yeah it makes no sense to me whatsoever. What everyone's willing to prescribe is Vistoril, which even in large doses doesn't really help the situation, I just feel like I've taken an enormous amount of Benedryl and it makes me super hungry. But even mood stabilizers are something that causes panic. I'm getting a referral to a nuerologist and also to an endocronologist because I have thyroid issues. I'm hopeless and miss having a life. All of this work to hunt for medical care would sure be a lot easier if I were more stable and functional.
  2. Yeah I honestly don't know why this is legal. I do blame the doctors themselves for a lot of it but I think a bigger part of it is the knee-jerk reaction by lawmakers that put these policies in place. I think it's a bad move to get in the way of how doctors treat their patients. I think a lot of doctors are just doing CYA here because prescribing now is a huge liabitiy. I can't put the whole blame on the lawmakers though because I feel like AMA should be up in arms about this but they really aren't. The quality of my life changed when it started getting more difficult to get refills post Whitney Houston, but I've straight up lost an entire year of my life since I've been here and I don't see an end to it in sight.
  3. I brought it up but several doctors just shook their head at it and so did the ER. They are standing firm in the stance that NOBODY really needs benzos and/or they flat out don't prescribe them at all. When I bring up seizures I'm told "Clonazapam isn't a seizure medication" and they seem to not ever have heard of people having withdrawal seizures. They don't get that I what I wanted was just to taper down more comfortably if nothing else and just stop the constant shaking, muscle jerks, etc.
  4. Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    This city is a nightmare, honestly I'm scared to even talk to another doctor because I seriously think my having been to the ER when I was told it was my only choice when I was at my absolute most MISERABLE here is being viewed as drug seeking behavior. I feel like going inpatient somewhere would be my only solution but even with THAT I'm afraid they're going to see as drug-seeking. ITA it's a huge red flag, I'm appalled. I've had consistent care and have been med compliant for over 15 years but they just see "Adderall" and "Clonazepam" because I stupidly gave that info to the hospital the first time I went to one here a few months ago. Everyone is standing FIRM in their claim that "NOBODY needs a benzo for that long," I've been told that multiple times here. Nobody seems to give a shit. I can_NOT believe it. I feel damned if I do damned if I don't when it comes to what I disclose anymore to a doctor -- if I tell the truth it's drug seeking, if I hide something and they find out it will look like drug seeking. I've never abused my meds EVER and I don't do street drugs. wtf. I've been dealing with this since January or so and don't see any end in sight. Today I went to my GP and I'm shocked that there, in the ER, with my pdoc, etc. I can bring up my history of seizures and they still think what I'm feeling is unfounded anxiety about having a seizure and that I just wanna get drugs. Seriously right now I would KILL for even Depakote because that helps the shaking more than Buspar and Vistoril but for whatever reason she needs to do more research before feeling comfortable prescribing it.
  5. I might have forgotten to mention this, but the strange rules here aren't state-wide. I'm in San Antonio, TX right now, but 5 hours north in Dallas I don't have a problem with care like this. It's on the news every day down here though, there's major panic about benzos and opiates. With legislation we're starting to see now on state and national levels I wouldn't be shocked if we wind up like this all over. I was down to 1mg two times a day and would have been find tapering down even to half that if I had to, but NOBODY here will refill it. Going cold turkey off even that was extremely uncomfortable and I'm still miserable now.
  6. Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    Thanks, sugar sugar. I'm hoping we come to a solution soon too but I'm losing what little hope I had left. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday but she said she'd have to think or do some research before she prescribes something for me to help, and honestly I think she's just gonna leave me high and dry. I'm not even sure when to call to ask about the meds. They're super serious and paranoid about anything that looks like 'drug seeking' behavior. And no refills. I'm at a loss. ER says they can't help me, go to my psychiatrist. Psychiatrist says she can't help me either. Saw my GP today and same thing, and she wouldn't even give me a referral to an endo or neurologist on my first visit. SHe said today she'll have someone work on referrals this week. I'm so uncomfortable and it;s going on a YEAR. I can't believe this is acceptable here. My mind is blown.
  7. Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    gb84 - The rebound anxiety is terrible BUT I don't think it would be NEARLY as bad or uncomfortable if a professional were on your side with a taper. I was mid-way with a taper and got kind of 'stuck' in a different city (long story, had a family crisis and returned to my home town and wound up staying) and doctors here just refused to help me taper. I'm hearing more and more about this and I can't believe this is ethically sound in the medical industry right now. I wish I hadn't taken them either, and I was prescribed them initially for anxiety but mostly for akathesia, but now without them I'm in full blown hard core panic, or something similar. Doctors keep telling me I can't be in withdrawal still but I feel like I am. I'm having mind zaps, confusion, I'm shaking/jittery, etc., I feel like I'm gonna have a seizure. I never had a history of seizures before benzos and I've had several now over the years. I've had 3 in 3 different public work spaces. I lost my job sorta once as the result of one, and I had another place not want to work with me again after a solid contract there because I seized on site my last day. I have no idea how keeping me in this state is better. But I just hope I don't seize again. I've seized over the years when a doctor's dropped the ball on a refill for the benzos (I had one doctor that would up and go on vacation with no notice, etc. and one that was I think going senile in the end when I was seeing him). Doctors though don't seem to be concerned about me seizing and I'm finding this baffling - for over 10 years they kept telling me to never go off cold turkey and now they're giving people essentially the orders to. When I mention the seizures they literally have no reaction sometimes, just a semi shrug and "i'm sorry."
  8. Panic in a benzophobic climate...

    I almost asked about that earlier, I was gonna ask about beta blockers in general but she said I sounded like I was doing too much research and kind of implied I was trying to lead someone into giving me more drugs so I chickened out. I feel like everything I say down here is percieved as drug seeking behavior. I'm at my wits end. THank you though, I'll probably ask about it.
  9. I'm in a bad place but I think my situation might have some parallels to yours. I'm in a new city seeing a new doctor and absolutely NOT functional at the moment, and when I filled out her new patient paperwork, I'd circled 37(!!!) meds I've been on unsuccessfully the last 13 years or so. THIRTY SEVEN. WTF. I've tried them in different combos, etc. and I even pinpointed what's worked best but unfortunately the times I've been stable included a benzo and my area doesn't allow doctors to prescribe them here because of the opioid epidemic. It's been MISERABLE but I thought I was doing good by giving my doctor a very detailed rundown of everything I've been on and even stupidly took in empty bottles of my old cocktail (I thought this was so I could 'prove' that I'd been prescribed and legally taking drugs for ADD and panic, but no) and she mentioned today that she thinks I'm doing too much research and trying to lead someone into giving me drugs. So, I don't know how to win in a situation like this. I'm scared of seeking more help out here because I fear it will be seen as drug seeking.
  10. Mind Pops

    Curious to see what others have to say -- but I've been concerned about this too. I took adderall for about 5 years at kind of a high dose, and I went off it this year in January and I can't function at ALL really in terms of thought. I can't finish very simple tasks, the idea of working right now is something I can't even get my head around. I'm having major confusion/issues most hours of the day while SHOWERING or just dialing a phone or carrying a conversation. I didn't have these problems when my ADD was being treated but I think maybe it's become so extreme that maybe it's something much worse. Having to cold stop Klonopin made it a thousand times worse.
  11. If you're lucky enough to be in an area where they haven't just cut people off cold turkey because of the drug crisis, I'd ask my doctor about tapering off. A good therapist will definitely help but unfortunately I don't think ALL of the symptpms can be controlled with the other things you mentioned. Diet and excercise certainly help but I had this while I was in a master's swimming program/team as an adult and was still training 5 days a week in the pool and had a personal trainer as well. And I've eaten a very clean diet tailored for the autoimmune protocol for years and this does help "worry" but it doesn't touch the other things for me. I WOULD try and taper off though - that HAS to be a ton safer than being yanked off it. I felt like I was in straight up withdrawal for MONTHS and even now I'm still not functional. I've read about benzos being regulated in other places like they are here since Whitney Houston died, and honestly I think with the legislation being signed right now, etc. that it's just going to get worse so you may as well taper off safely and comfortably before it's no longer available and you have to just abruptly stop. Here not even the emergency room will prescribe. I went in with a panic attack feeling like I was gonna die and it wouldn't end about 2 months ago, and the ER just shrugged and sent me home.
  12. Does anyone else have a panic disorder in an area where benzos have been suddenly cut off because of the opioid epidemic? If so how do you treat it? I was prescribed Klonopin for it and took it without a change in dose for 8 years, then tapered down a bit and was relatively ok. I'm in a new city now and doctors here have been strong-armed into not prescribing benzos at ALL so I had to go cold turkey even after years of them telling me not to and a history of seizures. My new doctor gave me Vistoril and wants me to follow up with a therapist but I can't make the physical sensations of panic stop. THe shaking, jerking muscle movements, etc. I feel like I'm in fight or flight all the time. Panic attacks take up 5-7 hours of my day and I can't function, I haven't worked since I got here. I know therapy is helpful and I've done CBT and DBT before but the things I learned there are more helpful for the sensation psychologically of "worrying," and it's not that -- it's the physical shaking/jerking, etc. that's really uncomfortable and borderline painful. I feel like someone is torturing me somehow. I don't know what to do -- I realize there's a drug crisis in the US and I realize now doctors say benzos are super dangerous but I'd been on them for so long with no drama. I don't care about not getting the benzo I just want to be able to work again, but doctors here don't seem to have a game plan for how to handle this situation. I need the physical part to go away. I haven't been able to work since January of this year. I hate this.
  13. Welp, update - but months off it, I'm non-functional. None of the other drugs worked for my ADD, and I'm in a severe state of constant BAD confusion/disorientation. I'm thinking about seeing a neurologist -- it's not just like, I'm easily distracted -- I can't think enough to work. I haven't been working for a few months.
  14. I just started a thread -- I quit after 5 years, and it took almost six months to feel better. I started to hate Adderall, and I felt HORRIBLE on it. Aside from the mood swings, I felt like death. Drained most of the time. When doctors say there's no withdrawal, I feel like I don't understand that word lol. I definitely felt off my rocker for weeks. Then I still felt bad but less so and couldn't function, and it was last week I started feeling human. Feel great the last 3 days, but still don't have the concentraion to work. it's getting better though. I honestly thought I had Cushing's disease on Adderall. Gained about 70 lns and it baffled me. I looked pregnant and still have moon face, but my stomach is getting better. I will_never take it again.
  15. I'd been on a high dose of Adderall for ADD and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I stopped it in December, and last week I started to feel normal. The last 3 days, I feel better than I've felt in YEARS. I also gained about 70 lbs., oddly, on Adderall and had so much stomach bloat I thought I had Cushing's -- my body turned into that shape and I got moon face.. I cannot believe, even with short med vacations, how terrible I felt. I got used to it. I had fatigue beyond fatigue, I felt drained. My muscles were constantly test. I was all kinds of more depressed, panicky, etc. espeiclaly if I didn't have it. I couldn't function without it. I DO have ADD, and it's hard for me to find the drive to do actual work, but I feel normal again and like living and having fun. I can't believe it took close to 6 months though. So strange. Non-stim ADD meds don't really work for me, so not sure what I'll do next since I tried Ritalin too. But oh well, I'm happy to not feel like death. I literally wouldn't leave the house for a month at a time and definitely not bed more than a few times a day, everything hurt. I watched a TON of tv and Youtube because it was the most I could do most days. Anyone else have this happen?