mellifluous

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About mellifluous

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  1. hey there long time glad you're (mostly) well. i had a baby. she's two now. xx
  2. i've felt physical sensations. in my head. i've heard them through my skull, too.

    i read your post and i'm not posting on the forum anymore, but didn't want to leave a friend feeling alone. i hear you and that's happened to me. xx

  3. soon off to psych appointment i fear him requiring i go to the hospital. but maybe he should. i do not know take care, melli xx
  4. i have sz, not sza defo have worsened more decompensation over time.
  5. no not really but i will.... i took my zyprexa should hlep soon i've missedyou maybe will emai detail unwell this hell.ihate hell.i want peace, but i am in pieces of me fragment floating and falling like snow falls but there's no ground
  6. i have done self surgeries purging the implants and wires in lines allover me please talk toyour psychiatrist notcastration, but i hear you and ...this isnot the way i can't say more of the shattered that ismewill leak thinking of you
  7. cheers for the repliesguys i'ma bit unwell but it'llbe ok k better now than yesetrday. i'mshattered but with insight very odd to know i'mclanging but cannot always stop it so ikeep mouth shut in person andtype shortlyk i'm still on the fence pretense but it doesn'tmatter pitterpatter....tick tock fuck...i have no energy wherewithal it;s all here to edit said it enough is enough much love melli xx
  8. just passing through and thought to say hello did some stupid shit lastweekend paid for it with FTD comingout a lot this past week small girl continues tobe my delight. much loveto all.melli xx
  9. i'm on 400 butterfly. when i took it before i was at 300, if memory serves (which it might not). i agree that it varies from person to person. but most i know are in the 300-400 range. i hope it's helping, butterfly. xx
  10. I've tried to be clear twice and I'll try again: what do you, as someone diagnosed SZ/SZA believe your diagnosis/ailment to be? Please answer the question I posed. Definitions of terms aren't the personal experienced response I clearly asked for in the title, the thread start, and a few posts into the thread. Have you believed that the entire time you've been diagnosed SZ/SZA or is that a more recent perspective? ive had more/less insight at times is why I ask thanks!
  11. take care. xx

  12. on the contrary. this thread that i started is ENTIRELY asking my sz/sza peers what they believe about their ailment/diagnosis. i've had numerous beliefs about mine over the years. i'm sure you wouldn't like some of them. but hearing people say things i've thought makes ME feel less alone and like i'm in a place where i might potentially be understood and appreciated even if different. the fact that lacking insight plays such a huge role for so many of us, and that attempting to "rationalise" away psychosis, is futile, in my experience and just makes things worse because now instead of an interlocutor i have an adversary. i'm cool with what others believe provided i get to share at the table, too. but, really, on some level, i've come to realise that whether or not it's a disease or social construct or the results of repeated experiments involving wiring and neurotechnological implants...whether i am meant to sacrifice and what, whether i have a purpose, whether i will fail to interpret the signs and be formadehyded and/or weaponised...those are the things i've been running from.but they're something like my lived shadow at this point. and this moment, moment x...is the accumulation of all of my thoughts and ideas and actions and life experiences heretofore. i can't out run it.but,which that moment x there is a kernel of ....a fecundity. an opportunity. a potential moment y.which, though it will always carry the whole of moment x as a thesis...as a starting point for any and all moments henceforth. and that next moment may be a perpetuation with or without modification of moment x. it could be the antithesis to moment x...creating a moment y, that contains moment x, but offers new insight or direction or movement. and then further, moment y, containing all of x, but moving it to a new now, makes possible moment z, wherein moment x and moment y is thesis-antithesis could move toward synthesis. and i think if that goes on long enough, i might find peace in this world.or at least make my peace with this world. and whether i believe this is disease...and believe my diagnosis...treatment resistant schizophrenia, at times, with refractory psychosis is irrelevant really at this point. i'm taking the meds for one reason and one reason along: i have a small girl. but i still have a desire to hear from my MI peers of the same flavour. i said you could cite a study or something if you like, but as i start off saying, what i really want is a simple yes/no and why. and why based on your experience and BELIEFS about yourself and yourself in relation to this world in light of said experience. i didn't really answer my own question, but i will now. i don't know if i have a disease. there's definitely something wrong with me and some other things right with me. i've done terrible things. i've hurt people. i've shut out people who care sincerely to spare them. i continued with a pregnancy selfishly and i continue corporeal existence equally selfishly. i believe i've bee subjected to experiments. i believe there has been a plot to discredit me. i believe my ailment perpetuates both of those things. i also believe she loves me and wants me and i admit, i want her to know me. that's a major deterrent.but it's why i write. so, no matter what, she will know how deeply, beyond words, wholeheartedly love her. that i would do anything to protect her from this faceless power that lays waste to every accomplishment i've made, save her.and i used to think my life had meaning....because i've had that moment...i have been called upon to instantiate the values i espouse, and i have been called upon to sacrifice to the social good. when shaney died, i nearly followed him from heartsickness...but i knew i was called upon to life because he put his whole self into me.and to do these things we always talked about, but that he didn't get the chance. and i thought that my sticking by him, that when he died, he knew i loved no matter what, and i accepted and embraced all he was. and that i was to live. because i could endure. but then she came. and i realise, she is my greatest treasure and gift to the world. she stands to be a compassionate,loyal, trustworthy, joyful, just person.maybe, in a way, she's the moment y in the kernel of moment x. we don't know what she's going to grow up to be or do. her little personality emerges more each day. it's such fun to see her developing her little will and her confidence and explore her curiosity. and how snuggling and loving and silly she is. i don't want to miss that because i can't buy the "medical model", and i don't necessarily have to. what i have to do is let go of my investment in participating in moment z. but make no mistake, i've had the richest moments of my life already. it almost seems greedy to keep coming to the table for more. and i don't believe in time, longevity for its own sake. a moment can have more meaning than a lifetime.or it can be a lifetime...or an entire lifetime might be summarized in one moment, maybe a transformative one, a moment of significant insight, cruical, a moment of understanding...a moment of truly seeing the other for who s/he is and being seen for who you truly are. i'm tired of worrying how my schizophrenia will affect my small girl. and i'm tired of speculating because the fact is, i can think the fuck out of a thing. i have a doctorate in philosophy...that's kinda what i do is think the fuck outta things. that's why i rehearsed. that's why i dug out and edited plans. because i'm going to stop trying to control a future that distracts me from these moments. i will know when it's time and i'm prepared. and given my history of hospitalisations and going MIA for months/years....i will slip through the cracks. the only thing that concerns me is whether she will know how much i love her. how she changed my life. how having my baby is the greatest contribution i will make to this world and i'm going to do my damnedest to guide her into becoming who and what she is as a person. and i do hope to get to see it, because she's pretty rad. a friend recently asked me about the possibility of being something like a shaman. not to discount that as possible for others, but, i think i'm something more like a test and when the time comes, if i fail to be a whole person, will i make the sacrifice to leave this world, and in so doing, remain ever tied to it and confirming my eternal being of it, or to become something else, indefinitely roaming this world, yet never being part of it or feeling truly of it. so do i think i have a brain disease? i'm unsure that's really a relevant question for me anymore because what i have is this moment. and because there is so much that we don't know...that maybe i no longer care. i'm grateful to hear from others how they process this sz/sza diagnosis. all good feedback and i appreciate the courage shown in telling your stories openly and without restraint. maybe it's self indulgent of me to even take up your time pondering this question because it's irrelevant. we may never reach consensus and i wouldn't even want to because a world without exception, without aberration...is a world that's static. i'm a lot of things, but i'm rarely dull. so what am i; who am i; what is the nature of this diagnosis? i'm the mum of a small girl who married the love of her life. i've razed the vast majority of my life outside those two things and "dealing with/treating" my mental illness. i'm also 42 and i'm doing good enough. 15-18 years later, after that butcher shop incident, i'm still here. i don't know for how long, nobody does....the healthiest non MI to the unhealthiest MI sufferer, but i know that i have this moment, which contains the groundwork for the next one and maybe it's reconciling self to the refractory in refractory schizophrenia, but i think it's more about recognising priorities. i've done the work and i'm ready and i'm not afraid. but i am going to try not to be distracted by worries of whether it's a brain disease or spiritual something or other or character building exercise. it is what it is. and our framing of it for all of them who try and tell us who and what we are. we are persons it's the moments that are really going to matter at the end of the day; a moment we came into the world and a moment will be what we have as we leave. i don't want to take up any more of mine being spoken for or censored or feeling unwelcome because i'm equally at peace with the last moment as i am the first. maybe this is what it means to grow up....? and find the fresh and dynamic until the last moment comes, and make them all expand in plenitude and burst overflowing with life... no, i don't think i have a brain disease. i think i drew a short straw somewhere. maybe just in the sense that i have different ideas and a different experience and was born and raised in a time of conformity and the oppression of consensus reality. maybe i'm sick of labels in general because, i don't want any of them. save, maybe, person. but,as sartre says, nothingness lies coiled in the heart of being, like a worm. and i embrace that. this life only matters because it's finite. and our will only is truly free if we can will its obliteration. again, cheers to those who replied to my actual questions and shared your experiences with sz/sza. reading those of you i know....we may disagree, but know i hear you. and i relate to those of you who share my diagnosis, or nearly do, and did what i asked. i'm coming away from this thread and i just want to say: your experiences, whatever they are...ARE legitimate AS such and i HEAR YOU and i SEE YOU, comrades. may we all find peace in this world, no matter how differently that looks between us or between us and others. keep fighting to have yourself counted as person. and don't stand for being discredited or dismissed. do not be afraid. together we are ever stronger and though i may not always be here, i am always fighting on your team. much love to all, melli xx
  13. Hmm... I think I'm always me in my dreams. But sometimes I'm "well me" and sometimes I'm psychotic me and that doesn't always match up to what's happening in non dream life. Ive been physically incapacitated in dreams and felt out of body, but not taken other forms that I recall. Except aether. Sorta
  14. I had to come online to reply to this thread I started when I saw it get nuts with people being told off and so forth. Look, I'm glad tiredg posted the truth of her experience. I can relate to that. I don't need to judge her and her comment IS helpful. And jusy hecayse youve you've known people with SZ/SZA, Cerberus, you are not and it's propagation of mental health stigma against those of us with certain diagnoses/symptoms that we need to be shielded for your own sakes. We are still people who shouldn't be scolded for having perspectives on a personal level and sharing them. Things like this, the more effort to tell me what to think or what's proper NOT from personal experience diagnostically similar enough to mine...just fans the flames of some of my delusions, so I'd also advise against it on a "if you really want to help" basis as well can we we return to the subject of the thread? i wanted to update and say that my ailment...I don't buy the medical model exclusively at all. However, I have to actively choose consensus reality. For me that involves a fair amount of reality checking. This didn't used to be as necessary. Not at all. I spent years without therapy or groups or reality checking and breakthrough symptoms. That frightens me. But I definitely see having a perspective that's dysfunctional. And there are a few things I think that I really do see why that's definitely involving "magical thinking" but I believe it to the point of acting with it in mind. I still maintain that I've had something done to me, but I can also see that even thinking my capsules protect me by some blood brain barrier internal tinfoil hat, of sorts, is how I rationalize taking meds but also that's pretty loopy at the same time. Anyway, I appreciate everyone taking the time and sorry I bit your heads off those who seemed to be shutting down the sharing honestly. I need that, though; it's of immense value to hear the spectrum of lived experience and analysis by those on my "spectrum", which I do think that's the best of the various models. It's just also inadequate. The trauma thing also makes sense. I think Oliver is proof that it can be trauma induced and I know I've had some truly horrible things in my life that definitely scarred me. But in my case I think it's mostly some sort of chronic ailment due to something chemical that medication addresses and maybe something structural that the psychosis has damaged. Like, in my case it might open portals and I 100% know certain things are the case that sound delusional but aren't...but it's mostly made me scar myself up and ruin my life and hospitalize me and rob me of time and trust and memory and others. So I set aside. And I do so because of the meds, but I take those because I have a small girl. Full stop. I have to be able to want to live just for the sake of life, though, because it'd be too much to put on such a small person I'm guiding to think my life means so little to me innately I used to have command hallucinations. I don't currently. I might again. I might not ever again. I'm more well now than I've been in several years. That's all I can say. If I write much on here when I'm doing better, when I return if I'm doing poorly it'll aggravate me. Xx melli ps: sorry if I started this thread in a huff. It was weird getting email updates about new posts on it and seeing things accumulate and it just hit a threshold in me. I'm not trying to be a dick I'm just blunt because I'm defensive about people without telling people with to stay silent. x