Chiaroscuro

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About Chiaroscuro

  • Rank
    If you want to make sense, what are you looking at me for??
  • Birthday 11/10/81

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    [email protected]

Profile Information

  • Gender
    Unicorn
  • Location
    Victoria, Australia
  • Interests
    I love my awesome Husband and my awesome Son (especially when he's asleep!), they're my world :)

    Playing with our 10 year old son, plotting pranks on my Husband (lol) Writing, drawing (not very well), reading (mostly fantasy), exercising and sleeping in (when I get the chance!)

    Searching for stability, trying to figure out my sense of self and learn to accept and understand myself, to make myself a better person, so that I'm a better wife and mother (among other things). :)

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  • koa

  1. Thanks CoffeeBean, You're right in that Mum has her own issues for staying with J. And it is indeed easier for me to focus on J, whom I dislike, rather than realise that the relationship is between Mum and J and therefor Mum has also had her part to play in where their relationship's at. I have ended up having a gently honest chat with Mum about why she is still in the relationship (& why she's going back to him -she ended up going back to him after only 1 day of "separating"-) when it's obviously such a toxic relationship, and you hit the nail on the head; she did say that she loves him, that he's not really this bad and that she has to help/save him. So there's definitely strong co-dependency issues within Mum regarding J. I'm sorry your Mum is similar to what I'm having to deal with. I think the idea of telling them to leave you out of it is a good idea, one I'll keep in the back on my mind to use in my situation if I need to. Thanks for your reply, it's given me a more even insight into how things are with my mother and helped me to sort out how I'm dealing with it all. Love and Light Chiaroscuro
  2. Hey lovely people of crazyboards, I'm sorry for the length of this post and if any of it is confusing. I was wondering if any of you have had the misfortune of having a narrsistic, emotionally manipulative step father? My mother (let's call her D) has been with my step father (let's call him J) for about 11 years and married to him for about 8. J has proven himself time and time again to be a manipulative, self centred person with NO insight to his behaviour (it's always someone else's fault, or someone's done something to him) and NO desire (or ability) to change. My mum has openly admitted that she knows J's emotionally abusive to her and that he has often completely made up things that she's said or things that she's done and keep telling her that she did indeed do what he says she has done, despite an abundance of evidence to prove him wrong. This (& worse emotional abuse) has happened many many times over the years and of late, mum has said J's gotten even worse, "more vindictive and horribly nasty" -to her, to everyone around him, & about me when he talks to mum about me and hubby-. When she was over at my place today, she even said that she felt he was suffering from "some form of psychosis" but that "he'll NEVER take any medication because he doesn't believe he has a problem" J has never liked my husband -even though he's known him for a long time- he still sees hubby as the dope smoking 17 year old he once was, not the 38 year old man, husband and father he is today. J also doesn't like me, he feels that because I have not become successful career wise that I am a failure. Coupled with my being overweight (J is a fat bigot) and -in J's eyes- I'm a horrible wife and mother. Today, my mum actually physically packed some of her belongings and left her and J's place and is staying (tonight at least) in a local caravan park. J is already begging her to come back and telling her that he "really wants to work on their marriage" and why doesn't she want to work on their marriage and that "he really loves her and will change" and that she's got to "work on her side of the marriage and change too, and put in the hard yards" So as she was leaving my place to go back to the caravan park tonight, she heavily intimated that she will be going back to live with J (personally, I think she'll be back there by this Friday) and that she would do her best to "work things out" with him. J is also absolutely furious with me (on top of his pre-existing dislike of me) because today I rang a mutual friend of him and mum and told this mutual friend (let's call him G) what was going on and if G could give J a lift to the mechanics tomorrow morning because my sister and I (& mum too at one point) didn't think that mum should see J for a few days. I do acknowledge that I did ring G before I really asked mum, though I had told her that I would do it (before I rang G), at the time I felt that it was the best thing to do, -despite the potential fallout-. So after G rang J, J rang mum and yelled at her about telling G their problems (and also told her how G wasn't allowed to come and pick J up tomorrow) and mum said that it wasn't her doing, but that I placed the call (which isn't a problem, I did do it and own that). So now, according to mum, J is ropeable towards me, and will be sure to 'demonise' me and continue to blame hubby and me for ALL of J and mums marital problems (apparently hubby & I "have come between" J and mum & it's our fault their marriage is on the rocks) Also, since J pulled my 10 year old son X into the channel by both ankles a few weeks back, hubby and I set the rule that X was not allowed at mum and J's house without one of us accompanying him. And since mum does everything she possibly can to keep J away from hubby and I, it means that X will no longer be going out there -as he used to- every 2nd weekend (or anytime J is there) or staying overnight. I reiterated this rule to mum today and said it was still in place if she got back with J (I didn't do this in an aggressive manner at all, just gently stated it). And she agreed with the rule and said that J "had to stop all that rot" (behaving like he does with and around X) So now I'm feeling a bit lost at sea I know that I can't 'interfere' any further in their relationship and that its mum's choice as to what she does it doesn't do. If you've read all of this, you've won the Internet!!!! Any thoughts or advice would be much appreciated! Love and Light Chiaroscuro
  3. I had to look up the meaning of copyleft music, but now that I know what it is, I do like it! So true TPBM has a pet cat
  4. thanks melissaw72, sbdivemaster and dancesintherain melisaw72: Thanks, over the years I've figured out that despite falling on the pessimistic side of the fence (lol), I'm usually right about what I can and can't do. And reminding the 'system' of my health issues will certainly help. that's a great idea re Tdoc! thanks! Having someone else word it, -or work with me to word it to my family etc- will be very useful! Last night I decided to not let anyone force it on me, it mightn't be easy to deal with the people who 'don't understand' but noone else knows me as well as I do, and I know my limits, this is one of them. sbdivermaster: Thanks for the tip about seeking out the people in charge and going to talk with them to see what they can do! I hadn't thought of going about it that way dancesintherain: thanks! it was a great 12 months and a perfect job for getting back into the workforce Yep, it was an independent small seller (who also didn't quite do enough study of the local area). I really like the idea of the lower stress retail as I know that a) I like it, and b) it helps me and my mental health rather than damage it. Commission jobs are definitely not for me! I admire anyone who does them though! I totally agree that it would be very detrimental for me to take the job at the fast food place simply because it's a job, and I really don't want to destroy all the progress I've made over the past 12 months. And I think saying it as strengths and limitations is a great way to put it! ______________________________________________________________________________________ As you all know, I definitely do want to work, it just needs to be in an environment that isn't going to cause more harm than good!!! Thanks for all of your replies Love and Light Chiaroscuro
  5. Thankyou WinterRosie, jt07 and dancesintherain I remember all of you It's good to be back in a place where I know I can get support, 'talk' my issues out and just hang with like minded people Dances: I LOVE unicorns! and it wasn't here when I was here last. So it's awesome it is here now!! Love and Light Chiaroscuro
  6. thanks Velvet Elvis Being a dishwasher at a sit-down type of restaurant would be an alright job
  7. Thanks Melissaw72, I am definitely going to go into Centerlink (welfare) and arrange to have a Job Capacity Assessment interview with them so that they are reminded (once again!) of my MI issues and that their current records reflect my issues around work and where would be suitable/reasonable for me to obtain work etc. I'll also link that in with my Employment Provider company Sureway (their systems are linked with Centerlink) so that they too know what's going on, as they're new and I haven't been with them very long at all and they don't know about my MI as I haven't had a chance to tell them yet. I also think it will be a good idea for me to get a GP referral to a psychologist as they too will be able to help me think better and give me better coping strategies etc, and also help me with any paperwork from the welfare system too. Yeah I don't think me working around unhealthy food all day is a good idea either! -even taking everything else out of the equation!- And I definitely don't want to work in an environment that sends me back to square one (or even close to it!), and thinking on it, don't see the point in accepting work that I know will 'push me over the edge' mentally, even if I haven't had the 'guts' to tell hubby that yet (I know he'll understand...it's just difficult for me to tell him, especially as he HATES his job and yet he has stuck at it for 5 years!). .. .....The rest of my family (mostly my mother) won't understand why I don't take the work that's being offered to me, but they will just have to suck it up, I don't have to justify myself to them, especially when it's about me keeping mentally well........Chances are the rest of my family will see it as a case of me being 'soft' or 'too sensitive' or 'needing to be pushed outside of my comfort zones', but I know from experience that it's more complex and far more serious than that. There is a library that sometime has causal-on-call positions, I'm going to keep an eye out for that and have also applied for a job working part-time/casual at a plant nursery/gift shop which would be a nice relaxing place to work. Even just thinking about working at the fast food place makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry, and yet, when I think about my work at the bookstore I feel so much happier, and if I happen to get the work at the nursery/gift shop, I already feel confident that I could do the work and would enjoy it. All of which is a clear sign (to me) that I shouldn't work at the fast food place.
  8. Reaching out to all the lovely people here to see if anyone else has felt this way. I'm struggling right now with employment and my anxiety/panic triggers. I've just finished 12 months employment (my first employment since 2008) in a bookstore. I loved it, it was quiet, easy, part time, stress free work -especially once I got used to my daily tasks and used to the software-. Sadly, the store closed down and now I'm back on the job hunt and back at Centerlink (Australian Welfare). Now that I am back looking for work, I have been offered some work at a local fast food place. (Years ago, worked at another of the fast food places in town and I found it to be a very triggering environment. I was unable to cope with the fast pace, the staff who expected you to know everything straight away, and the managers that would full on yell at you if you didn't work quickly enough.) I know that there's a chance that this place wouldn't be like that, but I find even the thought of working there sends me into panic mode even during the interview, I could feel a panic attack trying to get a foothold to start. I don't cope well with fast paced environments where you've got to learn and retain a lot of information right from the get go. I don't cope well with being 'flooded' with customers and having to process them on my own. I don't cope with having to deal with brusque staff and blunt managers. So in short, working at a fast food place is a really really bad idea for me. Yet I feel partially forced to accept the work; a) because I do want/need to get more work, b) because to keep my welfare payments, I'm required to 'accept any reasonable' work that comes my way and c) to help contribute financially to our family. It's gotten to the point that I am thinking of lying to my hubby and family and saying they've already got someone working there and don't need me. --I haven't felt able to express how I feel to my husband yet. He's so supportive and understanding, and doesn't judge me, but I feel like such a fool, and he's given up so much and works so hard in a job he hates to support me and our son, that right now, I feel unable to broach just how horrible (& mentally unwell) the idea of working there makes me feel.-- I don't have a PDoc atm -haven't in a while cause I can't afford one-, but I am thinking of seeing a decent psychologist to see if they can help me handle this sort of thing better than I am alone. I'm sorry for the novel! I just wish I didn't feel like such a failure Chiaroscuro
  9. Hi I'm Chiaroscuro, I've been away for a few years. I have bipolar type 1 and Generalised Anxiety Disorder which I (& a GP Dr) believe has worked its way up to Panic Disorder. I also have an underactive thyroid and asthma. I'm a wife and mother and am just trying to work out how to live my life and be the best, most happy and mentally stable person I can be I look forward to getting to know you all and to getting reacquainted with others I already know. Love and Light, Chiaroscuro
  10. I have been diagnosed with BP & GAD & due to a medication faux pa from my last Shrink, I've been having to deal with crippling panic attacks, over the past 8-10 weeks not just my usual brand of severe anxiety. I have had to go back on Seroquel XR (was off it for 4 months & on it for several yrs before that) in an effort to give me a footing to deal with the panic attacks rather than being swamped by them several times a day every day In my personal experience, I find that the anxiety can trigger a switch in moods which sets off my BP. The panic attacks have made my depression far worse of late. It's awful & exhausting. Especially as I can't predict or tell when the panic attacks will "strike" though since upping the 50mg of seroquel xr to 1 both morn & night (luckily I don't find it as sedating this time around) it's given me a chance to get back on track so to speak. I've even resorted to taking an extra one during the day if I need. I also have Valium, but strangely am finding the seroquel more effective in keeping the anxiety at bay for a longer period of time. I need to access therapy as well to help with the anxiety as meds will only get me so far & learning better coping techniques has always been a great help for me. I have a job interview this Friday, so my treatment options will change if my availability changes. Fingers crossed it will all fall into line Sorry if I haven't been much help, I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone when it comes to BP & Anxiety. Warm Regards Chiaroscuro
  11. being 'compelled' to be sociable when I don't really feel up to it sux :( urgh!

  12. ^^ This! I could have written this myself! I feel exactly the same & I too have immense difficulty breaking larger tasks into smaller ones for the very same reasons. I write lists, but following them through is extremely difficult, as I just feel incredibly overwhelmed. My mother is constantly on my back every day (phoning me each day, at least twice a day), asking/ telling me to do this task or that (regarding housework) & it drive me bonkers that she isn't quite able to understand how overwhelmed I feel and that her actions aren't helping. I honestly dread how much more overbearing she'll be now that I'm studying a Diploma for this year (it starts next month). Nana: Your therapist sounds extremely hard to work with and I'm so sorry that you're not in a position of being able to change therapists just yet. MacadamiaNUT: IMO I honestly thought that DBT was meant to be for MINIMUM of 3-4years!!! and tbh, I've always had the opinion that you should be in therapy for as long as you feel you need to be! I mean I know we have to stand on our own two feet, but surely having appointments say once a month or once every 2-3 months (once we're "stabilised") indefinitely isn't a bad thing as it keeps up support and helps us re-hash over coping mechanisms??
  13. Thanks for ur reply ray of sunshine I see my pdoc tomorrow, so I'll let him know & see what his opinion on it all is. I haven't broken out in a rash again, but still get a bit itchy. Though that cld be cause it's summer here & it gets pretty hot. Thanks the system is down. I'm really glad it's gone too!!
  14. True, but sometimes it stops when a person is obese/morbidly obese. I have to agree with melissaw72, I've doubled my weight due to my psych meds and my eating issues over the years and it doesn't look like stopping on it's own at all.
  15. Primary 1 (higher than 0% of people) Secondary 1.6 (higher than 9.61% of people)