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malachite

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About malachite

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  • Birthday January 6

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    Unicorn
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    Western U.S.

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  1. ECT

    I am so glad my words brought you comfort. Honestly, I have felt so traumatized by ECT that I haven't spoken much about it with professionals. I have mentioned it, but not really unpacked my trauma. Not because they wouldn't be open and supportive, but in the way that all trauma works and tries to make us avoid it because it hurts and scares us. I wish I had spoken of it sooner to the right professional, and I hope you can find someone you trust in order to process and grieve and hopefully not have this trauma stay with you forever. Earlier processing probably means fewer emotional scars later on.
  2. ECT

    Yes, it can be effective for people. Most of the people (though not all) that I know who were helped by ECT had temporary results, however, unless they were willing to do maintenance treatments. It sounds like it really helped you though, and I am happy it did. Depression does make us desperate, and I am thrilled for anyone who gets relief in whatever way works for them. For myself, I wish docs had pushed other med options first (stimulants, which have given me the best remission in over 20 years and which I started a few months ago, or MAOIs.) My doc did mention possible memory side effects, but stressed how rare and temporary they were. He also mentioned nothing of the ECT delirium I had. I wish I had known that was a possibility. Oh, and I didn't find your response to be asshole-ish! I like having civil discussions and getting lots of perspectives!
  3. ECT

    Lifequake, I cannot begin to understand the utter devastation ECT has had on your brain, body, and life. I am so deeply sorry, I have no words to even express it. After my horrible experience with ECT, I truly wanted to work on banning it in this country (it is banned in many others.) So many folks told me of how much it helped them though that I thought my experience was just a huge anomaly. I have PTSD due to having it. I do not believe that the medical establishment's idea of informed consent is close to adequate. First of all, if you have a patient so depressed they are considering getting their brain shocked repeatedly, you have a patient who is desperate and who likely has cognitive impairment due to severe depression. Secondly, there is never a mention of how often things don't work, or worse, are detrimental to the patient. Only after I had delirium from ECT did my doctor inform us that 12 percent of ECT patients experience this! I was never even told it was a possibility! Honestly, I have barely faced the memory loss I have. It's hard to remember what you have forgotten, right? For me, it's long-term stuff, I think. But I also have had trauma and years of depression so I am sure that's what docs would pin it on. I would like to be of comfort and assistance to you, in any small way I can. You have always been a good friend to me here on cb, and I imagine what you are going through is terrifying, infuriating, and sorrowful. If you would like to message me we could talk about what I might do to be there for you. I would be honored if you did.
  4. ECT

    Lifequake, I have been away from the boards for awhile, but just read your posts. I am profoundly sad and sorry to hear the negative effects ECT had on you. I don't know the details of the deleterious effect it had on you. My experiences with ECT were not good. I wanted to offer you one glimmer of hope though, and feel free to disregard if it's not applicable to your experience. I had some cognitive impairment post-ECT. Difficulty finding the correct words to express a point and difficulty spelling. Both these things previously came very easily to me so it was extremely frustrating and absolutely devastating. After about six months, however, these issues resolved. I very much hope this will be the case for you.
  5. This is exactly the thread I need right now! I am 38 and time is running out. In addition to my mental cooties, I have some physical problems including diabetes triggered by prior use of aaps. I am on 9 drugs right now (slowly weaning off one.) My pdoc is very supportive if I do want to get pregnant. I have always, always, always wanted a child. Kids love me; I spent a lot of time working with kids before going on ssdi. I agree with the above posters that infants are weird and it's kind of scary caring for them. But once a kid reaches the age of 1, I adore every age from then on. My partner and I don't have a support system for a kid if I go off the rails, nor enough money to hire help. I worry about my health going through pregnancy and childbirth and getting off meds that are dangerous before conceiving. And lack of sleep during infancy and worry about my child and, well...everything. I vacillate about whether to have a child all the time. Can't really afford to not make up my mind much longer and doubt with my MI history we could adopt.
  6. Yes. I had this exact experience when quitting. I quit for 3.5 years but then went back. I found what helped me in the first few months was the patch PLUS the gum for when a craving hit. Idk how much you smoked, but the research I have read points to using more nicotine replacement rather than less for success. The other thing I used was an online support forum. That was also helpful. If you do use the patch, remember to take it off at night or you will likely have horrible nightmares. This depression due to quitting won't last forever btw. If you can get through the first weeks/months, it should dissipate. Don't feel ridiculous for your reaction. There is a reason people with MI have such high rates of smoking. You are doing a really hard thing, and smoking is considered the most addictive substance there is. Be good to yourself during this time. Maybe set up a reward system for something you do with the money you're saving. I found I had to give myself frequent, small treats rather than saving all the money for one big thing. Also, if you are in crisis with a plan for suicide, please reach out to someone. I wish you all the luck in the world.
  7. Parents and Cats!

    Declawing is pure mutilation. I am glad you are so against it and very sorry your mom had your cat declawed while you were in the hospital. I had a thought: what about adopting an older cat from the shelter whose previous owner declawed them? That way your kitty could have a companion, your dad would be mollified, and you wouldn't be inflicting pain and cruelty on a cat.
  8. I want today to be done but I don't want tomorrow. 

    1. lifequake

      lifequake

      I know this feeling well.  I hope you find some comfort today, mal.

  9. For those reeling from the U.S. election

    I am waking up every day in a cold sweat, horrified that Trump has been elected. It feels apocalyptic. I vacilate between stunned and terrified. He is an extremely volatile person, and the people he is selecting to run his administration are white supremacist billionaires. I can't believe it. I never labored under the delusion that America was equal opportunity or truly democratic, but this is an extreme we have never seen before.
  10. I have had ECT. If you go that route, they will do an EKG prior to treatment to be sure your heart can handle it. If you do decide to do it, make sure they know about the palpitations and tachycardia.
  11. VE, that makes sense. Maybe I won't try it. Idk. My mom's in the hospital right now, so that's taking precedence in my world right now.
  12. Well, my situation is that I have tried an enormous number of drugs in the past over 2 decades. I am not looking to replace psych meds but to help myself when this shit isn't working. Wellbutrin caused me to hallucinate and Abilify gave me diabetes. I can't take AAPS due to the diabetes. I am open to trying an MAOI when I get a new pdoc in January. Actually, in the past two years the thing that has helped me most has been high dose, lab grade omega 3s.
  13. Hi, I ordered some N acetyl L tyrosine in the hopes of raising my dopamine. I am pretty convinced that lack of dopamine is a big issue for me based on the fact that SSRIs have been an utter failure, as have SNRIs and, it appears, tricyclics for me. Anhedonia is probably my major symptom. From my research, it seems I don't have a lot of med options that work on dopamine, since Wellbutrin made me hallucinate. I know there are still MAOIs, but I would like to forestall that for awhile due to dietary restrictions and the fact my current pdoc is a dumbass and knows next to nothing about tricyclics, say nothing about MAOIs. Has anyone taken this supplement? Did you have any effects, negative or positive? I did some research and it doesn't seem contraindicated with anything I am taking, but if you know of any major interactions, I would be grateful for your input. Thanks.
  14. so finally sucking it up...

    Glad you're home and that ECT is going well.
  15. Thinking of a thank you

    I think giving surgery staff something in appreciation is a great and thoughtful idea. Personally, I would give them the sweets, but whatever you give is a sweet gesture.
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