Laptopdancer

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About Laptopdancer

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    Bipolar, BPD, DBT fan

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  • Gender
    Woman
  • Location
    Midwest
  • Interests
    non-fiction books and tv shows, art,
  1. I feel like such a failure. My new pdoc thought I would benefit from switching to Abilify from Seroquel so we planned for me to taper off in late February. Almost 2 months in and 2 weeks completely off Seroquel, I'm still feeling like shit and I've had 3 meltdowns and she's decided it's time to call it quits and titrate back onto Seroquel--we'll try half my pre-messing with my medicines dose (300 mg instead of 600 Mg). The doctor says I shouldn't feel like a failure, but I do. I've given 6-7 weeks to this and it's been a waste. I've felt like shit, had withdrawals, etc and now it's all back where we started. I've gained so much weight on Seroquel and I'm so sluggish. Please tell me gets better. I hate having a mental illness. I was trying to get stable to hopefully get a job. Flat on my ass again! This sucks. Absolutely sucks. I'm bipolar 1, suffer from panic and anxiety disorder, and was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder by my previous psychiatrist. I'm not sure if that's valid though. I just had a major meltdown yesterday involving my pdoc and husband. I called him at work and wasn't feeling safe alone. He told me to take my anxiety medicines so I'd calm down. I wanted to, but was scared of taking too much just to make the paranoia and pain stop. I finally took the medicine and ended up sleeping for several hours. I've been hospitalized several times and haven't worked in almost 4 years due to my mental health. This is embarrassing and I can't believe I'm still dealing with this shit. I have a new pdoc because we moved, if you're wondering why I switched. Is this really what the rest of my life's gonna be like!?
  2. I hear you girlie! I'm titrating down from Seroquel to Abilify (although I don't think it's gonna work for me). The insomnia is horrid and I have akathisia so I now have another medicine to help make me less antsy. I take 2 sleep medicines and still am up around 4 am. I wish I could offer you hope--but all I can offer is true sympathy because I know what you're going through. Whats funny is that I was on 3 antidepressants, a medicine to help with blood sugar, a medicine for anxiety pro. Now I've added another AP, 2 sleep medicines, and a beta blocker...all to stop taking Seroquel. Something is very wrong here! I also hate the advice,"Hang in there!" so I won't say it--I think it implies that you're just supposed to stay where you are and suffer some more! Lovely!
  3. So I've got anxiety, PTSD, and bipolar disorder. My husband is one of the most anxious people I've ever met. So today we decided to run some errands and we were going to take his car. I needed to grab something out of my truck. I locked the truck, then locked it again when I got in my husband's car. It makes a beep sound and the lights flash when I press lock on my key fob. My husband then asked if I was sure the truck was locked. I said yes...then I think so, and I hit lock on my keychain again. I heard the beep and said that it was definitely locked. My husband throws the car in reverse and says,"But I didn't hear it lock and I also didn't see the lights flash." He stops and locks my truck one more time. It's amazing we are able to get anywhere!
  4. I'm stopping the Seroquel because we moved to a new state and my new pdoc and I had a long talk during my first appointment. We discussed side effects and goals and I mentioned that I'd gained a bunch of weight over the years and she suggested I stop the Seroquel and switch to Abilify. So here we are! Thanks everyone for the support. I have been awake for a longtime already today--2:30 or so and I've gotta get blood work done so I can't even have breakfast! Ugh! It helps so much to have you all out there.
  5. I'd like to start by saying that I'm tapering off of Seroquel XR. I have a diagnosis of bipolar I, anxiety and panic disorders, and BPD. I'm down to 37.5 mg of Seroquel IR 2 times a day and originally I was on 600 mg ER for stability and 800 mg when manic. Just FYI: I was accidentally sent a 3 month supply of iR so since I'm tapering off, I switched to using it rather than paying for more XR. My taper was 1 week at 300 mg and 2 mg Abilify and then a week at 150 mg Seroquel and 5 mg of Abilify. That where I am now until this Wednesday when I'm supposed to keep the Seroquel as-is and up the Abilify to 10 mg. I'm not sleeping well at all even with Using either Ambien or Trazadone. My doc gave me both to try and get at least some sleep. Today I finally had a meltdown. Ive been trying too just keep my shut together with the bare minimum of leaving the house. I get up around 3 am and can't go back to sleep. I don't take more sleep medicines--should I? I'm so lonely until the dog gets up and I color. I fell apart largely because my husband puts too much pressure on me to do what he wants to do rather than leaving me alone. He doesn't realize how shitty I feel and how when he tries to push me too far it makes things so much worse. I don't like resting all day. I miss my normal activity level. However, if I don't put my foot down and tell my husband that I'm not going, he has no problem with me running myself ragged. I just don't understand why he can't just let me deal with how shitty I feel by just caring for our daughter (he's known this medicine change wasmcoming for a very long time) and not trying to include or guilt trip me into going out. In the past I've gotten really depressed and somewhat manic in situations like this. I wish I could just lock myself in a room until this is over! I'm so irritable and have days that are so long that I think about everything that's happened and feel like I can address all of them right now. I cried for a good hour or so and told him how badly I've been feeling. I thought it was obvious, apparently it isn't. I'm just trying to hold it together and not end up in the hospital like my pdoc has warned if things get too bad to manage at home. I think I just needed to vent more than anything. Ugh.
  6. I'm currently in 600 mg of Seroquel XR (been on it at least 4-5 years with 800 mg as my mania dose) and my new pdoc wants to switch me to Abilify since the weight gain on Seroquel has been HUGE, and contributes to my poor self image. She wants me to do it rapidly--over 2-3 weeks by doing the following: 1 week at 300 mg, next at 150 mg and then stop all together. She's told me that I have to prepare for it being "hospitalization bad" while I come off of it. She then will have me start taking Abilify since she says it's got a lower weight gain profile. I'm scared and nervous because we have an 8 year old daughter who hasn't seen me "hospital bad" in almost 4 years. I'm very age appropriate when it comes to my depressive symptoms (sleep issues, irritability, fussiness, etc)--my manic symptoms don't really need explanation since I'm usually depressed more than manic--plus, I tend to feel sped up, energized, impatient, and super insightful and creative (thinking I can solve any problem or start a new business that will make a ton of money) when manic. I'm kinda high strung when "well" so my impatience isn't really unlike me--although, I do know that when I see myself as a "rabid dog" in my interactions with my husband and daughter--I know I'm getting manic. At any rate, I just worry about falling apart during this discontinuation. Also, it was supposed to start last Friday, but my husband has some work stuff to wrap up so he and my pdoc said it's best to start next month. I know you're supposed to be optimistic, but I'm fearing "decompensation me" reappearing and what that will do to me...my husband and family. It's so exhausting to have a breakdown. I'm working with my tdoc on a crisis plan so by February, I should have a better sense of how to manage things. I guess I needed to vent. Thanks for reading and or responding.
  7. I was frantically looking for a new pdoc since the social worker of my previous pdoc told me that he no longer wanted to be my pdoc--which happened to be a lie! (Thank GOD he took me back--rather said that was untrue!) However, while I was searching I saw one pdoc "Dr. Hell-naw," who shocked me with her bedside manner. When we asked about her hospital policies and procedures and she told me that she "doesn't see unstable patients." She said she also doesn't visit/see patients in the hospital--which I now know is common, but still. A pdoc who doesn't see unstable patients!? That's like a cardiologist who doesn't see heart attack survivors...or a dentist that doesn't treat patients who need fillings! WTF!? I've also had ER docs take my shoes and clothes when presenting for other conditions than those related to my mental health. So, if I'm having shortness of breath from asthma/bronchitis, clearly I'm suicidal...ugh!
  8. I have my blood sugar checked regularly and it's normal. I do need to have it checked again though for routine's sake though. I told my pdoc I was feeling really tired before we made the 50 mg adjustment from 200 mg to 150 mg of Topamax last Wednesday. I'm not so sure it's the change in dose, although I'm not ruling it out. I've had to force myself to stay out of bed for the past couple of weeks after a few hours of being up. I take my child to school, workout, and then I start the struggle to stay away from my bed. Ugh! Maybe I am getting depressed... I'm starting to take inventory of all of the things that are stressing me out right now...I see my therapist on Monday... I hate this...
  9. Hey everyone. I take a ton of medicines and am feeling exhausted lately. The mix has worked for quite a while--although we are slowly changing it (we want another child; I'm currently going from 200 mg of Topamax 2x a day to 150 mg). I know in the past, my doctor has mentioned that when stable I'll notice how my medicines are sedating, but when depressed, I won't really notice since I get sluggish and want to stay in bed all day anyway. So, how do you all sense when it's time to tweak your medicines (I don't like the word "meds" sorry!) or identify if you might be heading into a depressive episode? My regime Morning Metformin 500 mg (I take it because of the Seroquel Topamax 150 mg Wellbutrin 450 mg Zoloft 200 mg Buspar 20 mg Claritin 10 mg Evenings Hey everyone. I take a ton of medicines and am feeling exhausted lately. The mix has worked for quite a while--although we are slowly changing it (we want another child; I'm currently going from 200 mg of Topamax 2x a day to 150 mg). I know in the past, my doctor has mentioned that when stable I'll notice how my medicines are sedating, but when depressed, I won't really notice since I get sluggish and want to stay in bed all day anyway. So, how do you all sense when it's time to tweak your medicines (I don't like the word "mess" sorry!) or identify if you might be heading into a depressive episode? My regime Hey everyone. I take a ton of medicines and am feeling exhausted lately. The mix has worked for quite a while--although we are slowly changing it (we want another child; I'm currently going from 200 mg of Topamax 2x a day to 150 mg). I know in the past, my doctor has mentioned that when stable I'll notice how my medicines are sedating, but when depressed, I won't really notice since I get sluggish and want to stay in bed all day anyway. So, how do you all sense when it's time to tweak your medicines (I don't like the word "mess" sorry!) or identify if you might be heading into a depressive episode? Of course I have stressors and I know u don't have to have a "reason" to get depressed." I just wanted to see what others do to evaluate themselves. My regime Morning Metformin 500 mg (I take it because of the Seroquel) Topamax 150 mg Wellbutrin 450 mg Zoloft 200 mg Buspar 20 mg Claritin 10 mg (Allergies) Evening Metformin 500 mg (I take it because of the Seroquel) Topamax 150 mg Buspar 20 mg Vitamin D (I'm deficient) Seroquel 600 mg Singular (Asthma)
  10. My husband helped me get an "emergency" appointment with my doctor yesterday for today. Great! I show up and they say it's for tomorrow and say bye. No one cares! WTF! I feel like f~<&ing shite and nobody cares! Oh well!? I'm trying to use my skills to deal with my situation, but I was holding on until tomorrow and now I have to hold on until tomorrow again!? Seriously!? I know accidents happen, but I'm having a hard time coming up with a dialectic for this one. I'm feeling like everything is personal and like life is hard enough as it is. I need something to help release this angery,nervous, pit in my tummy. No where to go but up from here. I just feel so hurt and frustrated too.
  11. Couldn't agree more! I wish this illness would go away! It's ruined my career...taken away my dreams of building a family (can't meet requirements to adopt/can't carry a biological child because my medicines (that only 1/2 way work) are very toxic to a fetus! I'm glad I have one child, but we never intended for that child to be an "only child." I sometimes wonder if my husband wishes he had married someone else. When he met me, I was on my way to a promising career and was so much healthier. I wonder if he feels he got "the old bait and switch!" Ugh! What I wouldn't give to be rid of this dreaded disorder! (Okay, pitty party over...for now!)
  12. So, I just got discharged from partial hospitalization yesterday by my "former" psychiatrist who led me to believe we were still in a patient-doctor relationship. He mentioned how we'd approach transitioning me off of a medicine and other future plans during our daily check-in. Then I get pulled out of group to do my discharge paperwork and am told that my psychiatrist will no longer be my outpatient psychiatrist by my case manager. Mind you, I'm in partial hospitalization because I have severe depression (I have bipolar disorder)! The best part, actually there's 2. The lesson for the day was on anger types (passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive, and assertive)...um, the psychiatrist not being up front with me and leaving "the dirty work" to the case manager was incredibly passive-aggressive! And the case manager told me that the doctor had pulled her aside multiple times to re-iterate that he no longer wants to see me as an outpatient. She then proceeds to tell me that with my insurance, I'm going to have an incredibly difficult time finding a new psychiatrist. I'm in shock at that point. I only asked to be discharged because the program truly wasn't helping. They didn't offer much group therapy and it was a dual program so most of the programming was about drugs and alcohol and then there were periods in the day where they took the drug adicts and alcoholics to meetings for hours and had me sitting and doing nothing. I'm feeling a little better (I can get out of bed; I'm a bit less tearful.) since I went to the program, but being dumped through word of mouth was a kick in the stomach. My case manager contacted the doctor one last time on my behalf because of how severe my depression is and that I really do want to work with him (I know that's messed up since he dumped me; but I am scared. I've been with this doctor for 3 years and he's helped me through some pretty rough times. Plus, the case manage made it seem as though my insurance would not be accepted anywhere close by). He said he was okay with taking me back as a patient at that point. I left the hospital hysterical. I was told that I need to work with the team that wants to help me. That I have too much of a negative perspective and negative thoughts (which I admit...I've never denied that I'm depressed and that I want to feel better). It was suggested that somehow I was supposed to know to bring my therapist in to a psychiatrist appointment. Then when I brought up that there were hardly any groups that dealt with the real core issues that we all have in common (depression, low self esteem, anxiety, etc), so I felt like this was a waste of my time, I was told that I'd only get from the program what I put into it. I shut down emotionally and cried. I just gave up. I cried. Then I was told I couldn't leave the hospital in my condition. I had to pull it together enough so the staff felt I was "safe" to leave. The next morning is when I asked to be discharged by my doctor and he said ok. I was even confused about why I was even in the day program. I asked during our appointment yesterday, because I've been feeling misunderstood and he told me because I shutdown in my appointment and got very upset. At the appointment wehen I calmed down my doctor was talking to my husband about that the options were for me to go inpatient or partial hospitalization. I'm begining to think that I'm alone in my struggle with managing my bipolar disorder...or at least it's so taxing and out of control that even the doctor doesn't want to manage my case anymore. That's another thing my case manager said--that the doctor feels like he isn't helping me because I feel like I'm not being understood. I trust my doctor--I've taken all of the medicines he's prescribed, done all dose changes, come to all of the appointments, etc--and the case manager confirmed that the doctor said that was all true too. So I now have him as a psychiatrist again, but my husband (my poor husband and daughter) and I are trying to find a new one. Perhaps I do need a new doctor. My week of "treatment" has caused a lot of stress and while I'm no longer bedridden, I feel worse about myself. I feel like I've done something wrong even in how I've been ill this episode. I can't even be a good bipolar patient. Am I crazy!? I know this is long, but I needed to get it out to other mentally interesting people. I tried talking to my mom, but she only triggered me by saying that the doctor firing me was a "wake up call" that I needed to do better. She also did the infamous, "feel better for your child" and "your life isn't that bad" song and dance. I know she meant well, but doesn't she think I'd be enjoying life if I could? Does she really think I choose to be miserable? I am in so much pain emotionally that sometimes it's hard to speak. I can't even express how much anguish I'm in and to have people say such harsh things in response to my illness makes me want to isolate myself even more because they just don't understand--and I can't be angry with them for their ignorance. Or can I?