wadjet

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About wadjet

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  1. When I first had suicidal thoughts it freaked me out and I would ruminate on those thoughts asking how I could get rid of the thoughts or act on them. I now consider myself no longer depressed, but I still get suicidal thoughts and sometimes self harm thoughts, and like Bubble, often in reaction to feeling overwhelmed, usually a few times a day. They no longer upset me or seem significant. I just have the thought and then carry on. It is kind of like noticing the sound of cars going by, not hard to ignore unless I stop everything and concentrate on it. And I don't. I just keep on doing what I am doing.
  2. When some friends found out my diagnosis years ago they began to talk to me in a careful voice using simple words. They had never seen or heard of any of my personal symptoms, just my diagnosis as bipolar. I was never able to have a conversation of substance with them again. After that for years I'd just say I have depression problems. People think they know what that means and they are comfortable with it and don't assume you've lost your intelligence. I now don't care what anyone thinks and I am pretty open about being bipolar. It helps me weed out people when I see how they talk to me after they know. The only trouble I have now is with doctors who don't know me. Doctors can be horribly stupid about this, like the one who wouldn't give me pain medication in the hospital right after a back operation because he said all bipolar people are drug seeking (????) and I was lying about being in pain while I was screaming in pain. He pulled in a psychiatrist to shut me up and she yelled at him to give me pain meds, pain meds that every other person with that operation got. I have never abused drugs. Even some psychiatrists have talked to me in a loud, slow voice and told me to calm down when I was perfectly calm and showing no emotion but they had just read I was bipolar. Nothing on my file would ever indicate I needed to be told to calm down. When you find a doctor that listens to you and talks to you like an adult hang onto that doctor and ask him/her to refer you to any other doctor you need who they think will treat you like a human. As for other people, until you are comfortable saying more there is no reason to tell anyone anything more than they need to hear to explain why you may have a limitation. If you want you can just say I am ill or I have depression issues. You will be viewed differently by ignorant twats if they hear you are bipolar. Expect it and plan accordingly.
  3. Every relationship has its own dynamic and needs individual tailoring of rules and expectations. In mine I have a general rule that I tell my husband details of my condition once. If it changes I tell him the change. I tell my therapist the details and, if I have to, I tell them to her over and over and over, not my husband. This is my idea and my decision. I came to it when I noticed how upset my husband got when I hashed over details and he always tried to fix the problem, but of course couldn't. Now I just have a general, usually bland, description when I am doing bad where I just say I'm not doing so well. I also tell him what I want from him. Such as, "Could you go to the store? I'm not feeling up to it." Also things like, I just need to read for awhile to gain my equilibrium (reading is my favorite coping skill). I do not tell him the details of my latest flashback and all the accompanying feelings and memories. He already heard those stories and doesn't need to hear it again to give me the support I would like from him. He feels more at peace because I have promised to be honest in how I was doing and I have made clear what he can do, even if that is just let me read uninterrupted. If I feel suicidal I tell him that I need to go to the hospital, if I feel like self harm I ask him to lock up the knives. He knows what is going on, but I don't need to marinade him in the details of my mind. I really noticed he felt less depressed if I told him something he could do. Even when he knows it won't cure me, he feels like he did his part. I also noticed before I started this "tell only one time and then ask for help he could give," that our relationship was becoming all about my mental illness. So many conversations centered on my pain, my trauma, my feelings, my thoughts, my treatment, etc. Our whole lives were revolving around my mental illness. It was hard at first to pull myself out of my pain enough to see this, but then I made a rule that I would ask him about his day, his plans, his feelings and try to find a topic other than mental illness to riff on. I could still do better at this. But I want our relationship to be more equal and if the only support I can give him is to be interested in him and his activities and let him know I think this is important I try to do that. All this has become easier since I stopped feeling ashamed of myself for my mental illness and can openly admit to him what my limits are and openly ask for what help I would like so he isn't flopping around wanting to fix everything but not knowing how. I only stopped feeling ashamed because it was getting so tiring to go into a shame spiral that I eventually just burned out and now feel no shame.
  4. Part of how we "fight" mental illness is with medication. Letting yourself get worse is not going to make dealing with it better or more effective. I know that feeling of desperation when there is a temptation to do something drastic. It does not make treatment more effective. Please talk to your doctor about your feelings.
  5. I think that was so amazing you were able to tell her "apology" wasn't real. That is a real moment of clarity that is hard to get when enmeshed with an abusive person. I am happy for you that you don't live near her. It is so much easier to have those times of clarity and see they are manipulative when you aren't around them all the time. I also don't think she is changing. She never did give you a real apology. You were abused and it wasn't your fault. I hope you continue to protect yourself.
  6. I found in the past that lithium was helpful when I was suicidal till I wan't able to take it anymore. Ultimately after several years of treatment resistant depression I tried ECTs which pulled me out of it. I don't know if that is an option for you. My doctor said ECT was especially helpful for bipolar depression in his experience. I had tried unipolar ECT (one side of the brain) which did nothing, then I went to a large university hospital where I get my care now and did bipolar (both sides of brain) ECT and it was very successful. I am now in remission and haven't had any bipolar symptoms since I stopped the ECTs over a year ago.
  7. I was in a bad treatment resistant depression for years, though diagnosed bi-polar, and finally got out of it with ECT. Has that ever been discussed as an option?
  8. No exactly serious attempt. I did find our knives were not sharp enough to get any serious depth. I was too depressed and tired to go buy something sharper. I think at that point I wasn't driving. Then my husband locked up our knives. I was hospitalized numerous times for serious planning. I always told my husband about it and he would zip me over to the ER. For some reason cutting or jumping from a hight were the only things I fixate on. There is no place where I live to get lethal jumping hight. After several years I am now comfortable with knives but still have the really sharp ones stored where I can't get them. It's just easier to dismiss thoughts when it would be arduous to get something sharp enough to do harm.
  9. Even though I am not currently depressed I still have images and thoughts of hurting myself or killing myself automatically whenever there is the least discomfort, anxiety or embarrassment. It seems to just be how my brain reacts. For years it disturbed me. Then while talking with a therapist she said just have the thoughts and move on. This clicked for me the way some things finally do in therapy. So now I just note in my mind that I had the thoughts again and move on. It no longer affects me strongly. It just happens and I get on with whatever I was doing.
  10. What were the symptoms that led the doctor to suggest ECTs? I have felt blank before but that effect wore off. I have never felt more depressed. I have had unilateral, which did nothing, and bilateral with 2 initial series of 9 and then maintenance of one every 4 weeks for about 4 years or so. I lost memory, but for me it was worth it because I was no longer suicidal. I have fully recovered my personality and have not had any issues since stopping. I am diagnosed bipolar with occasional psychotic episodes and was considered treatment resistant.
  11. I think for me it did become a habit, though it didn't start that way. It got to where every time I felt anxious or had a disturbing thought my mind would just automatically think of suicide. Even when I wasn't depressed anymore I would think of suicide when I had a panic attack. I had to actually adjust to not being depressed, it had been so many years depressed that I didn't know how to think or act when not depressed. I was finally able to tell my husband I wasn't thinking of suicide several months after not being depressed anymore.
  12. I know when I am nervous I focus on the other person. Asking them questions and getting them to talk. You don't have to read or watch tv in order to ask what she likes to read and watch and why. I especially like it when the other person is a parent because they usually like talking about their children. Or I ask about pets if they have them, like why they got them, how they act, did they do any training, etc. Or their experience in school. Usually at some point I get a level of comfort and can talk a bit about myself.
  13. So I just thought I'd update. In therapy today we talked about why I felt it was dangerous to be one person and we separated feeling anxious from feeling in danger and how I am no longer in danger, but I still feel like it at times and it is always when I am talking to my family (not my husband and kids, just parents and siblings) and also some people from church and from my past. The rest of the time it is just anxiety (this is really simplified from what was discussed). So if I have good boundaries it can give me the feeling of safety that I used to have from being more than one person. So I quit Facebook (yeah! no one can contact me on social media!) and decided not to call my family anymore. If they text me (which they won't) and are nice to me I will text them, other than that I will just fade quietly from their lives. I won't visit them anymore. I won't tell them anything personal about myself. I won't answer the phone from anyone if I don't want to and will work on not feeling guilty for this. I won't discuss church doctrine with anyone and when I go to church I will just read a good science fiction book on my phone and ignore what is being said. Good news too. My husband and I went to a dinner party with people I know who are really nice and for the first time ever in my life at a social event I didn't dissociate and was one person the whole time. I didn't even have a panic attack. I did take clonazapam before and it was at the home of safe people. But still, this is unprecedented!
  14. When I was young, sometime before 12, I got pneumonia. I had been sick for months and my parents kept telling me I was being lazy and going to the doctor cost money and they couldn't afford to pay so I had to quit being a baby and go to school. One morning I couldn't move. My mom was yelling at me but I couldn't move and it hurt so bad to breathe. I had blood that I had coughed up. They took me to the hospital. I was in the hospital for a long time. The doctor told me I almost died and that when I get sick I need to tell my parents right away because they would always help me. When my parents visited they would tell me how expensive the hospital was and I needed to tell the doctor I was better. For years my mom would mention how expensive my hospital stay was. Today I got a text message that my dad is in the hospital, possibly pneumonia, and it could be lethal, though he will probably be alright. I was told I needed to call him to help him feel better and know he is loved. So I did and now I feel like shit. My sister would just tell me I need to get over it and quit hanging on to old history and I should be nice to him because he is old. Maybe I am being petty. It would be so much easier if he came to visit me just once. If he ever remembered any of my children's birthdays. If he actually knew me. He has never bothered.