Hadeharia

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About Hadeharia

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  1. I still have no idea if I truly have schizophrenia or not. I usually avoid attributing the schizophrenia label to myself because it seems inaccurate now, but going back and reading my old forum posts here reminds me of how ill I used to be. As sad as it sounds, I feel more alienated from people now in some ways than I did when I believed that I was a literal alien. I've come to realize that I'm a freak of nature, and this statement isn't an exaggeration borne out of a desire to be special. I am a freak. I'm extremely different from almost all other people. Is this a bad thing? Not necessarily, but it does make me feel lonely. My mind is so strange. I hear voices mutter nonsense, but no one is speaking. I feel water droplets drip on my skin, but there is no water. It's all in my head. Yet I still come off as a sane, rational human being to everyone around me. No one would think that I was ever diagnosed with schizophrenia if they didn't know who I used to be. I would even say that I'm a stronger, wiser, and more intelligent person now than I was before I became ill. My thoughts move rapidly. Some of them seem to come out of nowhere. They can be disconnected at times, and I can will myself to return back to my disorganized thought process if I try. The bees ate the soul of the girl in the garden with the transparent aberrations of a myriad length subject to the tortuous grandiosity of a fallen sunshine in the leftovers of the ear tomorrow is the next day in the rain with the grazing plain ribbon on your light space time is here. See what I mean? I wrote that as naturally as I wrote the rest of my post. It's effortless. It's as though my mind became acclimated to thinking that way during my psychotic episode. The only difference is that I can turn it on and off now. I still don't take medication. I don't see myself taking it again in the future unless my symptoms worsen significantly and noticeably. I can only hope that I continue to maintain the sanity that I've mercifully been given. Psychosis is a living hell, and I would rather lose both of my legs than return to a psychotic state for a long period of time. I would give up all of my limbs if I had to choose between that or a lifetime of chronic unremitting psychosis.
  2. I heard a voice ask me, "Why are you frightened?" last night, and then I went on to have a nightmare about one of the things in my life that frightens me the most and woke up crying. It's funny how hallucinations can be an insight into a person's subconscious.
  3. I had an auditory hallucination during the daytime yesterday that scared me. It makes me worry about becoming psychotic again even though my thoughts are clear aside from that. My hypnagogic hallucinations have gotten somewhat worse as well, but I'm trying not to worry about those because they're not pathological in nature. I've also been feeling slightly depressed and have been extremely anxious.
  4. It seems to me like there are three possible scenarios going on here: 1) Your psychiatrist is right and you have bipolar disorder; 2) You have features of borderline personality disorder or another mental illness that's causing diagnostic confusion; 3) Your impulsive behavior and mood swings are merely components of your personality and isn't pathological in nature. I agree with everyone else who says that you should seek a second opinion. It's impossible for us to know if you're right about this psychiatrist unfairly pathologizing you or if you lack insight into your illness. Bipolar disorder can be difficult to diagnose when a patient has never been floridly manic and has symptoms that are more subtle and harder to distinguish between normal and abnormal.
  5. Most people with schizophrenia spectrum disorders experience some form of cognitive decline before and after their psychosis hits, but it's nowhere near as extreme as the cognitive decline of someone with dementia or Alzheimer's. The only exception to this that I can think of is in the case of someone with extremely severe and treatment-resistant disorganized schizophrenia. Individuals with severe and chronic disorganized features can often resemble someone suffering from an organic brain disease. The difference is that they usually improve with treatment instead of steadily worsening over time. My cognitive abilities were definitely impacted when I was floridly psychotic. I remember feeling ridiculously proud of myself when I was finally able to make a box of Kraft Macaroni & Cheese all by myself because I wasn't able to for over two years. You should find yourself feeling more intelligent again when you're less symptomatic.
  6. That isn't necessarily true for everyone diagnosed with a psychotic disorder. It could be that the people in these studies who go on to have a full recovery were misdiagnosed and didn't have schizophrenia in the first place like my therapist thinks might be the case with me, but I've been diagnosed with various subtypes of schizophrenia by over ten different doctors and am completely symptom-free now even off of medication and in spite of enduring one of the most stressful times of my life. Disorganized features prominent enough to get me diagnosed with the disorganized and undifferentiated subtypes, severe negative symptoms, an insidious onset and an onset during adolescence gave me a poor prognosis, too. I was treated like I was completely incompetent at one point, and I honestly was completely incompetent. I was too unmotivated and disorientated to even follow a simple instant pudding recipe. I want to make this clear: I would never encourage anyone to go off of their medication unless they're under a doctor's care while they're doing it. That's irresponsible and dangerous. Although I believe that psychotropic medication is dangerously over-prescribed, I also know that it can save lives and be extremely beneficial to a large group of people. A close friend of mine might still be alive today if she had been on the right mood stabilizer. We know too little about the human brain to be able to predict the ultimate outcome of anyone suffering from a mental illness unless they're past a certain age and don't have much life left to live. I can understand why an elderly person who has suffered from chronic schizophrenia since they were a teenager would be told by a psychiatrist that their condition is lifelong, but assuming the same thing about significantly younger people is presumptuous at best and damaging at worst. There are so many things said about mental illness that are espoused as facts that are going to be debunked in the future. That's the nature of every type of medicine, but it's especially prominent in psychiatry. I'm sorry for getting off-topic. I started composing my post before I read this one. I might make a new thread about this because I find it extremely interesting.
  7. How did you first know it was autism or aspergers? I remember briefly suspecting that I was on the spectrum when I was in my early teens but dismissed the idea because I had a stereotypical view of what the typical person with high-functioning autism acted like. It wasn't until I entered a psychiatric hospital for severe depression and bluntly informed the inpatient psychiatrist that I had "schizoid tendencies" and was clearly suffering from a major depressive episode that anyone even considered the idea. I believe that I was also avoiding eye contact and spinning in my chair at the time, and I mentioned that my brother was also autistic when he asked about my family history. (My autism becomes more obvious when I'm depressed.) How old were you when you found out? And if it took a while, how were you finally diagnosed? I was 17 when the diagnosis was brought up, but I didn't receive a formal diagnosis from a specialist until I was 18 or 19. I saw another specialist before that who didn't think that I was on the spectrum. I'm not sure why because I'm a fairly obvious case and received a high score on the ADOS-2 when my therapist administered it to me. Also, does anything above sound familiar? Definitely. PPS: Also, are there any books on female autism and/or aspergers that anyone can recommend? I like Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. Her checklist of female autistic traits is a bit too broad and has things that apply to almost anyone who's sensitive, introverted and has a tendency to be obsessive, but it's a good book overall. PPPS: Is perfectionism an autistic/asperger trait? Although I'm not sure if I would call it a trait because there are so many people on the spectrum who aren't perfectionistic, I definitely think that it's a feature that many of us share.
  8. I slowly tapered down over the span of eight months before going off completely. I'm hesitant to recommend going off of medication to other people because I think that I might be an anomaly rather than the norm, but I have virtually no symptoms of schizophrenia anymore. I don't even have negative or cognitive symptoms, and I had a psychiatrist once tell me that I had severe negative symptoms. My therapist is skeptical of my schizophrenia diagnosis and says that I give off a completely different vibe from the many people with schizophrenia that she's worked with in the past. I suspect that a combination of psychotic depression, high-functioning autism, severe anxiety and simply reading way too much about schizophrenia might have mimicked it in my case. If I can develop physical symptoms simply by reading about them or thinking about them (and I definitely can because there's no way that someone can develop over sixty physical symptoms within the span of a few months that lessen significantly and almost go away completely when they're less distressed and worsen significantly when they are distressed if it's not psychosomatic), then it makes sense that reading about various symptoms of schizophrenia might have caused me to develop those as well. The fact that I had extremely disorganized speech but completely coherent writing that showed no sign whatsoever of a disorganized thought process also indicates this. I once even convinced myself that I was catatonic and stayed immobile for twenty minutes, and I know that that was purely the power of my mind and not actual catatonia. I know for a fact that people can recover from schizophrenia and that symptoms often lessen in severity with age. There are numerous studies that show this. However, I don't want you or anyone else to look at me and think that my circumstance isn't atypical. My therapist said that she's never seen anything like it, and she's worked with a lot of people with schizophrenia. Either way, I wish you the best of luck and I hope that everything works out for you. I'm so sorry that you're in this predicament. People can and do recover from psychotic disorders, but it usually doesn't happen within the span of three years like it did for me. (Maybe I'm not recovered at all and I'll relapse soon; I don't know. I hope not.) I've also fully recovered from an eating disorder, social anxiety disorder, severe depression and body dysmorphic disorder even though all of those conditions are often chronic as well. I have a pattern of suffering from one mental illness, recovering fully from that and going on to develop a new one. It's no fun at all.
  9. I appreciate your response and your concern. It does seem odd to me that anxiety would cause all of my symptoms (I haven't even mentioned about half of them), but I've been tested for basically everything except for Lyme disease and everything is normal. I don't live in an area with tics and I've never had a rash, so I don't think that I have Lyme disease. My symptoms definitely spike when my anxiety is increased. I have days where they're almost unnoticeable and days where they're awful, and the awful days are usually associated with an increase in my anxiety. I'm skeptical about anxiety causing all of this too, but I don't know what else it could be. Do you have days where you have almost no symptoms?
  10. Thank you for taking the time to write that comment to me, LunaRufina. I won't continue posting here after this post because this is a new thread and I'm getting off-topic, but I don't have Lyme disease, a vitamin deficiency or an autoimmune disorder. My therapist thinks that I have somatic anxiety, and I'm assuming that she's right because there's nothing else that explains my symptoms and anxiety can cause a lot of weird physical issues. (My therapist even told me about one of her clients who broke out into hives whenever she got extremely anxious.) I'm sorry that you're in a similar situation. Feel free to send me a private message if you'd like to talk about it.
  11. You most likely scored below average because you took the test when you were ill enough to warrant psychiatric hospitalization. Acute psychosis is going to negatively impact your performance on an IQ test. Even if you were to score below average in the best of circumstances, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to be successful in college as long as you scored above a certain number. I'm guessing that you scored higher on the verbal section than the nonverbal section. That's a common pattern among people with schizophrenia spectrum disorders, and verbal IQ will generally affect how well you do in college more than nonverbal IQ. IQ tests are incredibly flawed in general, but they're especially bad at measuring intelligence in people with psychiatric and neurodevelopmental disorders. Try not to be too bothered by how high you scored on that particular day on that particular test. We can tell that you're an intelligent person just by reading your posts.
  12. My period stopped for almost a year when I was on Risperdal and Invega. I'm pretty certain that it did lead to some bone density loss for me, but I'm slowly gaining it back by taking calcium supplements every day. My back was oddly hunched for a long time.
  13. I believe that most people who have more than four or five separate psychiatric diagnoses are over-diagnosed. That's how it was for me. I remember having six diagnoses in my signature at one point, and I could have had even more if I included some of the other diagnoses that I had obtained over time.
  14. I'm sorry to hear that. I hope that it never ends up having an impact on your health.
  15. Me too. Please let us know how you're doing when you find out what's wrong.