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About saoirse

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  • Birthday 06/30/1990

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  1. I don't know why this one makes me laugh so much. I almost got kicked out of jury duty because I couldn't stop swinging my legs and talking. I also tried to catch a flight to China. At my worst (highest) I thought that I could fly.
  2. Am I hallucinating?

    I once woke up in the middle of the night to a woman screaming. It sucked big time. And another time, woke up to a woman telling me to kill myself. So I can totally empathize.... hallucinations can be so frightening.
  3. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Ah I see. I don't blame you (If you're an American anyway, I don't know much about other countries' politics.) My inbox is open if you need it.
  4. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    On the board or IRL? Seconding the offer to listen to you vent if you need to.
  5. How Do You Feel THIS MOMENT in Time?

    Anxious but pumped up. Have this on repeat because it reminds me of a girl I used to know:
  6. I think my doctor was at a loss at how to diagnose me -- he doesn't think I'm schizoaffective but rather that I show signs of bipolar disorder with psychosis. On official forms he either writes "Major depression" or "schizoaffective disorder". He treats the symptoms. I showed flickers of psychosis starting at age twenty-two... or, no, wait, that's not right. It started when I was twenty or twenty-one. Brief flickers. It hit hard a few years later. Full-blown, florid psychosis. Most of the meds I'm on are antipsychotics. They've been working well recently. I had brief moments of psychosis back in November and was afraid I was slipping back into that hell... but it passed. I am so thankful. It started with paranoia and progressed into visual and auditory hallucinations.
  7. I would say lithium or Abilify. Ability ended up being my wonder drug, even though it heightened my mood for a few weeks.
  8. Am I hallucinating?

    They sound like psychotic symptoms (to me, who is definitely NOT a doctor.) But one of my major issues is psychosis and I can recognize some of your symptoms. My main problem is that I always, always believe my psychotic symptoms. Or at least -- almost always. Please be careful. And like Stacia said - if you believe things that are not real are true, you are delusional. I"ve had enough of delusions to last me a lifetime, and know the torture they put someone through. Hoping this passes for you, and soon. Okay, this sounds like psychosis. I've had these thoughts while psychotic. This sounds like a delusion to me. Please be careful.
  9. My mom died.

    Thank you, all of you, for your kind words. They mean more than I could ever express. It's just so strange... thinking I will hear her voice, thinking she will walk through the door. But she never does. I feel like a piece of my heart has been ripped away. I feel empty, hollow inside. Some days I still don't believe it's real. How do you get over losing the person you loved the most in this world?
  10. Hmm, that is an odd question. It could be pure curiosity, who knows. But still... it is an odd question. I've reverted to online dating because I can put in my profile that I'm diagnosed with atypical bipolar/schizoaffective and people will know right away. If they have questions, they can ask. If it's too much for them, they can stay away. Besides, I'm terribly shy. I wasn't always like this, but I am now. I think you responded well. There's no need to tell him your diagnosis when you don't know him all that well. Don't feel bad about him not texting you right back. Some people aren't always with their phones, have things come up in their lives, etc.
  11. My mom died.

    That's beautiful, and so perfect. Thank you. The quote I have found to relate to is this: "She was unsure which pain was worse: the shock of what happened or the ache for what never will."
  12. My mom died.

    Sometimes I think all life consists of is holding on and then letting go. Thank you for your empathy. <3 I remember when I saw that she'd died I was shaking. Pure disbelief. How could the brightest star in my universe go out, just like that? My mom was my number one believer and supporter as well, and also the kindest, most giving human being I've ever met. Her funeral was enormous. They could barely fit everyone into the giant church -- that's how she affected people, so deeply. I've never seen anyone so loved, or so loving. And now she's gone, and she's not coming back. I pray (though I'm not religious, so I suppose it's a strange choice of words) that you have many more years with your mother. <3 I didn't think I would be able to go on, either. But somehow I'm still here. It just hurts, and there's this empty place where I think my heart used to be. :/
  13. My mom died.

    Thank you so much for this kind post. Sometimes I can distract myself but that just makes it all the worse when it comes rushing back. It's like I'm constantly holding it at the back of my head. She'll never see me get my first big job, never see me publish a book or get married. I'll never get to buy her that house at the lake. She's gone. Just like that. Thank you. <3
  14. My mom died.

    My mom died recently. She was young; I am still in my twenties and she was in her fifties. She was my best friend. There's a quote or something (or I possibly made it up, who knows) about how when someone dies, for the rest of your life they will only be further away. I can't deal with that. She was my best friend. And she died so painfully, so horribly, so needlessly. I am beginning to cry a little writing this. Sometimes I feel like sleepwalking. Sometimes I think I'll hear her voice and I'll look up and she'll still be there. But she never is. She was gentle, beautiful, sweet, unassuming, generous, strong, and selfless. She was everything I have tried (and failed) to be. She loved life more than anyone I ever met. When I was psychotic for four months she took care of me without an ounce of selfishness. She loved people more than anything, more than anyone. I didn't get a chance to say good-bye.
  15. I do the same. "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine." I've also found that most people don't really want the truth.