Closure

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  1. I just tell people I am fine when they ask me how I am doing if I am not actually doing particularly well, which usually people don't say anything more in response to (even though occasionally people read that as meaning that I am not doing well). Aside from that, I do not encounter people I do not know closely really inquiring into how I am doing, and I don't tell them either. Aside from saying that I am fine when I am in fact not doing well, stuff like this does not really come up in conversation, even when I am severely depressed, so there is no need to really lie.
  2. The evidence appears to be equivocable, as shown here.
  3. One night in early November right around the start of this latest psychotic episode I had thoughts that I was being watched as I attempted to go to bed, even though there was no one and nothing around to watch me, which was utterly awful and made it very hard for me to get to sleep...
  4. Sigh. Two steps ahead, one step back. While the delusions have died down quite a bit, last night I got the idea put in my head that my tablet could be remotely compromised without me having to do anything, which my paranoia latched onto, and today I am back to my old pattern of feeling like I should avoid my coworkers in the hallways so that they don't see me where I work, yet again. And of course I have my perennial idea of my food and or drink being poisoned, even if in sealed containers, in public places. I want all this to just go away, rather than come and go at a low but non-negligible level.
  5. It is always a good idea to change your meds only one med at a time, so you know what change resulted in what.
  6. Antipsychotics can definitely improve insight. Before I was on AP, I would get delusions and hallucinations such that I really did think I was being followed and watched by unmarked police cars and that the police were coming to arrest me for crimes unknown to myself, and such that I thought everyone hallucinated like I did. Mind you I somehow gained insight before I went on AP, so AP is not why I gained insight, but in my most recent episode, on AP, I had much, much more pervasive delusions yet I did not lose insight and I actually realized insight into all my hallucinations (whereas previously I only had insight into some of them). So the AP likely helped me retain or even gain more insight.
  7. Here is something that talks about levels of insight in schizophrenia, including being aware of one's symptoms and being able to correctly attribute them to illness, being aware of one's symptoms but incorrectly attributing them, and being unaware of one's symptoms. The fact that this grouping is possible clearly indicates that people with schizophrenia can indeed have insight.
  8. It is good to hear that your paranoia is gone, and it is good that your hallucinations have diminished, even though it sucks that they are not gone altogether.
  9. I have started getting very vivid bursts of in-head imagery when going to bed. They are extremely detailed, do not feel like anything I am imagining (what I imagine is not nearly so detailed), do not feel like intrusive thoughts, and do not feel like a dream. They also differ from my past hypnagogic or hypnopompic hallucinations because those were always auditory, not visual, and those were out-of-head not in-head. Of course this raises the question of why now all of a sudden? My psychotic symptoms have gotten much better lately, so why have I suddenly started getting these for the first time ever (of course, then, they are probably unrelated since hypnagogic hallucinations are typically non-psychotic)?
  10. The psychotic symptoms have gotten much, much better compared to in February. Back then I was having constant, highly compelling delusions practically constantly, combined with constant hallucinations. Now I just have scattered minor delusional thoughts, many of which are sufficiently minor that I feel hesitant to call them delusions, and low-level hallucinations, albeit constant ones. This whole time I have managed to hold onto insight with regard to my psychotic symptoms, and as I did not lose insight when things were really bad, I highly doubt I will lose insight at this point. About risperidone, she wants me eventually off risperidone altogether and completely onto cariprazine, at, I presume, a higher dose. Part of this is that she does not really like me being on more than one AAP at a time, and the risperidone has shown itself to have lost some of its effectiveness. The only question I have is what will happen if I reach the maximum recommended dose of cariprazine, 6 mg, and I still have psychotic symptoms?
  11. I think in this case she is wanting to limiting how many changes she makes at a time, and she views the mood symptoms as a higher priority. The thing is, I want the psychotic symptoms quashed, not just left in their current low-level state, whereas she seems to be in no hurry to make them go away. She is even thinking of getting me all onto one AAP (cariprazine) as the next thing she wants to do, when I would rather she make the psychotic symptoms go away first.
  12. I think she thinks that my psychotic symptoms are mild enough to not be of concern. And the thing is, yes, they are mild. But I don't want mild psychotic symptoms, I want no psychotic symptoms. But I do understand why she might want to tackle my mood symptoms first - when I became mildly mixed in December I soon ended up severely depressed, and that lasted a few awful weeks. Whereas my psychotic symptoms aren't going anywhere, and really are causing no harm aside from annoying me.
  13. Well my pdoc thought that my bit of mild mood instability was more important and upped my valproate to 1250 mg, and did not touch the AP (even though for some reason unknown to myself she wanted to lower the risperidone to 4 mg, which I had to talk her out of because I want less not more psychotic symptoms). As for the crosstaper, that will wait until next time.
  14. I really hope my pdoc actually gives me more AP this appt, so I can go from constant low-level psychotic symptoms to no psychotic symptoms. I want none not just less. I suspect, though, that she'll just crosstaper my risperidone and cariprazine because she has expressed wanting to do this in the past, and last time she did not seem to care that I was still having psychotic symptoms - she seemed more concerned about the damn tremor I presented with.
  15. I myself have a hard time believing that anyone would like what I do at work, and oftentimes feel like I am just barely getting by, despite repeated comments from people like my team lead and my manager (at the company I work at per se) expressing that they were quite happy with what I do. I feel like at some point people will notice just how poor my performance is, and that they just somehow are oblivious to this at this point.