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About Mirazh

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    Queer Genderfuckery
  • Birthday January 9

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    Alberta, Canada
  • Interests
    Punkicorn unigoffs who only act their age when it counts.

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  1. "You can't have ADHD, you're very intelligent and have a random learning pattern but that's not ADHD." Wut. "He's a very experienced psychiatrist with over 25 years of service." That still didn't answer my question about his experience working with ADHD specifically. "Why are you reading the side effects list for your medication, you don't need to know that information, it's not intended for patients." That's hilarious, because it was the information included with my medication by the pharmacy, and listed under "INFO YOU NEED IF YOU'RE TAKING THIS MEDICATION" not to mention the specific symptom I called about was listed directly under "CONTACT YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY IF YOU EXPERIENCE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING". "It's just PMS." That was triggered by the medication, and had lasted for over a month straight by that point. And was not my "usual" moodiness due to hormonal shifts. And would go on after this to last for several months, earning me a reputation at my job for having an explosive temper, that one day just up and vanished on me for about a year. Yes. Definitely PMS. Totally not super powerful antibiotic triggering (hypo)mania.
  2. I used to feel differently about this. Previously I would have said: I am autistic, I am ADHD... but I have bipolar disorder. I'm so much more than "an autistic" but it is pervasive in how I perceive and experience myself and the world, and it's always been there, and I encountered the term first in autistic self advocacy communities. Like it wasn't really applied to me as a kid. I've been starting to notice, now, that sometimes others will (unintentionally, unconsciously too I think) try to limit me based on that label. So I've started to become more selective in how I talk about this with others, because it's pretty frustrating to have to continuously remind counsellors and social workers that me saying "I'm autistic" is freeing and positive and always with the knowledge of my abilities and the amazing heights I am capable of reaching. Because I grew up knowing that stuff, and not knowing why I was so smart and amazing yet so unable to do so much. I am ADHD because it's also a neurodevelopmental disorder, there's a ton of blurring between the two things, and I basically can't tell the difference within myself half the time anymore. The more I learn, the less clear the distinction becomes. Bipolar is interesting. I still utilize the... "structure" of approaching my bipolar like an illness rather than an identity. But arguably I do that sorta with ADHD and autism too: treatment, therapy, structuring my environment and life in certain ways, etc. I even take medications. And then learning more about autism specifically (and more about ADHD too, just, my knowledge was most lacking in the autistic area, and now it is less so) and matching that up with stuff in my own history, asking all kinds of questions of my mother and sister and GP, and like... I've had lifelong issues with emotional regulation. This is not uncommon among neurodevelopmental disorders, I frequently can find this associated with autism however I also know that this also shows up with ADHD (think of it as a manifestation of hyperactive/impulsive, yes? lots of energy & being carried away with the tide of it.) It's part of why I'm fairly certain PDD NOS was floated as a diagnosis for me in grade school (there's other reasons too, but yeah.) In the past two years I've been learning that not all of my "potential hypomanic episodes" are even episodes, they're literally just my emotional regulation going out of whack. Maybe they'd turn into episodes, but I'm getting better at finding non medication ways to regulate myself. And that if my neurodevelopmental shit is overloaded for too long a time/by too much, it can trigger what I think of as mania. I don't doubt that I have bipolar; I'm certainly not stopping or changing my treatment. What I have works quite well for me and I hope it continues to always do so. But this... blending, this bleeding together like colours of ink, between my neurodevelopmental disorders and my bipolar disorder is. Interesting. A little confusing. But terribly interesting. I can no longer point to a place where I end and my bipolar supposedly begins, which was the whole basis for me thinking "I have bipolar" in the first place. I'll probably still phrase things the way that I do, in short form. But the way I talk about them in elaboration has definitely changed. And the way I think/feel about them has definitely changed.
  3. Personally, I'd tell my doc, because my own motto is "if I'm not sure, detail everything to my doctor and let her decide". I've learned a lot that way. These days I go to her much less often with needs like that. For me it's like... disrupted sleep, not sleeping well, can lead to added stress and insomnia, also if my sleep is disrupted it's likely there's other stress going on, from heat keeping me awake at night to everything in my life metaphorically exploding in my face, and that stuff will also try to push me towards an episode. Conversely, if heading toward an episode, I may start having more trouble getting to sleep, or staying asleep, possibly because of the anxiety spike I tend to get with hypo/mania. I'm able to manage this at home these days, myself. Disrupted sleep, stress, insomnia, paranoia, etc. may be leading me to an episode, may be an indication of an incoming episode, or just may be disrupted sleep and stress kinda snowballing. The answer is always the same: I try to get my sleep back under control, in a regular pattern. If it's disrupted sleep in danger of triggering hypo/mania, then medicating myself to sleep for a couple nights will usually set me right again. Same thing for stress or anything else contributing to my inability to sleep or at least sleep very much. If I'm not going down, if I am in fact moving into an episode (maybe the disrupted sleep was an early sign, or maybe I just noticed things too late, or maybe it's all coincidental, who knows), it's pretty obvious because other symptoms start showing up, and possibly my attempts to medicate myself to sleep were ineffective, so by that point I move into full on "manic episode treatment mode" which involves stopping some of my meds (like Dexedrine) and taking much larger doses of Seroquel (still within my daily prescribed limit) for sleep and daytime management than I would've been taking to just try resetting my sleep schedule. YMMV of course. I hope taking Ambien works/worked for you!
  4. This is pretty much my experience too. There are the occasional times I get a bit... weird with my fears. Mostly when I was younger, like obsessing over the possibility of thought broadcasting even though I knew it was impossible and basically compulsively "playing music" in my head when out in public all the time. Very exhausting. And very OCD. But largely, and especially as an adult with all these years of therapy and treatment behind me, it's exaggeration of things that are normal concerns or irritations in my life already.
  5. Upset and disappointed is completely understandable. I know the likelihood of my being able to stay on Depakote for the rest of my life is... rather low. It's helpful that I find such a low dose of it so effective, but you never know. I still hope I never ever have to get off the stuff. I too hope the process for you won't take years again, and I hope you won't land on something really expensive. It will be okay. I think you're moving in the right direction with this, at least. You know you're emotional right now and not strategic, that's great. I'm sure you know it's okay to be emotional too. This is most definitely upsetting and disappointing. I'd be anxious and frustrated. But it will still be okay. It may suck for a while, maybe a long while, but it will still be okay. And it may not take much time at all. One potential upside of it being so long since you did the med go 'round thing is the advances in the medical community's understanding of bipolar disorder. Granted that depends a lot on your medical professional(s) and where you are, etc. but still.
  6. I totally agree with taking better care of myself since my diagnosis, and being very motivated to prioritize my health in general. I wouldn't have gotten my pdoc without that, actually. I still obviously struggled with executive dysfunction and the throes of my illness, but I was obviously trying desperately hard to overcome these issues, in the immediate aftermath of the episode that led to my diagnosis (and the diagnosis itself). My GP stopped charging me fees for missed appointments. And she asked her personal friend, a psychiatrist, to take me on as a patient even though she really had no more space to take on another patient. However I do it with all of my health. I have years of therapy to help me with the knowing myself parts, thanks to lifelong problems with emotional regulation; but the therapy I did around the time of my diagnosis helped cement a lot of that. This is also, like, all me.
  7. I can get into some pretty weird wake/sleep things, including "stay up for two days, sleep one night, stay up for two days, sleep one night" kinda routine. That's been present since I was a kid though, I've always had problems self regulating certain things and sleep has always been one of them. This can make it difficult to tell if I've got hypo/mania coming up, of course. I've had to rely on my psychiatrist telling me if I should be worried or not, in the past. These days I'm much better at telling what's going on with me. I'm also a lot better at sleeping though. I totally agree that personally, I'd make sleep a priority. So much about my life has changed since I did that, since I've been able to do that. I don't really get the productive thing with hypo/mania, though. Like sometimes I get creative because I have all this jittery energy and I am so incredibly frustrated and angry and RRRRAAAAUUUGGGHHH if I don't have some kind of outlet for it, and sometimes I can channel it toward something creative, like making myself a blanket fort instead of running away to the mountains, or scribbling with pastels, or pouring my heart and soul into nonsense babbling shitposts on a private blog somewhere. But I do those things while I'm getting the episode treated (/treating it myself, mostly, these days.) So like. There's that. Prioritizing sleep is so important though. And yeah the crash is coming, most like. I don't get those either? My crash happens with the episode (yay mixed features!) it almost feels like, and then a lot of cognitive hell afterwards that I figure is as much post anti manic medication strategy shit as it is post mania shit. However I am much more capable of actually being productive. I haven't had to sacrifice my creativity or energy. It is good that you are an educated and experienced consumer of mental health professionals and have a well established history of compliance, that should help you when it comes to advocating for your specific health needs. I can't imagine how extra complex the VA stuff makes your situation; I hope your new (but not so new) doc is better able to help you with this stuff. My pdoc goes to bat for me in some really important ways and I'm certain my treatment path would've gone in a vastly different (and incorrect) direction without her by my side to help advocate for my needs. My most recent episode was largely euphoric; I think this is connected to a new medication I started, perhaps. But basically, I know exactly what you mean. Subjectively I felt pretty damn great, but my insight was also still great and I knew I wasn't right.
  8. That is fantastic, confused. I'm so glad you've found something that is working well for you. I've never done sobriety programs myself, but I agree with you that spreading awareness of other options is important. Sorry to hear it ended with you feeling pressured to reveal more about yourself & situation than you wanted. That was not okay and none of their business. It is definitely okay to be in recovery, it means you're working hard at trying to take care of yourself and do better. Agreed there's no need to mention it again.
  9. My rate of use has definitely gone way down. I suspect part of my high rate of use at first was the stress from quitting smoking, and other things going on in my life too. Which snowballed, as these things do, and that in turn had me using more as well in order to cope. But things have been quieting down a lot in my life and my head, and I definitely find myself purchasing less. Previously I would guesstimate my average daily consumption at over 2g per day (some days not as much, some days not at all, but overall yeah that was it.) Now I seem to mostly sit at 1g per day, or just under. I'm using my vaporizer pen, which by the way helps a lot with my anxiety about smoking my medication in public. I've thought about discussing getting on with a secondary dispensary, less for supply now and more for the possibility of options like edibles, that could be a pretty good way to do longer term anxiety and overload management out in public, especially if I'm trying to attend something at a space that allows no smoking whatsoever/no re entry if you leave the building during intermission/etc. This would have the added advantage of not forcing funky weed scent on everyone in my vicinity, something that is unavoidable even when I am with my vaporizer (although at least that is way less likely to cling to me in the way actual smoke would). The vaporizer is also better for my lungs. I'm still using glass pipes part of the time, especially at home, but I make sure to use my vaporizer too. I'm just trying to not wear out my new thing. However I'm finally starting to feel the benefits of quitting smoking, that I remember, like a returning sense of smell (this has its downsides LOL curse my sensory processing disorder) and my singing voice is stabilizing once more. So yay.
  10. @Gearhead At least half of that time was the chicken breasts thawing in my fridge, because I'd been storing them frozen. I just knew the clock was ticking down on them going off! Though I did not see this before I baked them in the oven, I can assure you I double checked, and I really appreciate you checking in with me on that anyway. My sense of smell is usually quite sensitive, but I didn't rely on a quick whiff I can assure you. I made it halfway through my chicken pasta salad, which included the important part of roasting the chicken in the oven, before I had to leave the house last night. So it all went into the fridge. Today I need to finish it! ADHD be awesome like... last night even though tired & socially anxious, I was able to carry on conversations no problem in a group full of mostly strangers (a local meetup group I went to with the housemate). Because I can just keep talking and talking and talking... it's actually really handy, I love being able to reach out and interact with new folks, it's how I make new friends despite being, shall we say, not the most socially graceful of folks. Sure plenty of people can't stand me and think I'm obnoxious, but I'm liked by many others for these same unique traits that may cause others to shun me. *shrug*
  11. @jarn thank you, I agree and it's nice to have it validated. and it's good to see you.
  12. ADHD be awesome like... I've been trying to make chicken pasta salad for three days. Three. Days. Been trying today since this morning. I think I might manage to do it today. I've got my stuff out for it right now. I came here to turn Spotify on my laptop so I can have music while I cook (it helps keep me from getting distracted by, I don't know, air molecules I think based on how much I'll go staring off into space). I think it's time to reintroduce an afternoon dose of my stimulant, LOL.
  13. @Wooster you're right, about accepting change. That's exactly what I was trying to express. Thank you.
  14. More Love Less Anger

    Yeah, I'm around. Keeping it low key. Real conscious of my spoons and how I spend them these days. That is a good thing. I'll probably have times of anger in the future, to be sure. But these days I've been feeling a lot less stress, and a lot more love. A lot of releasing of things of old, and releasing new things of old that had been weighing me down. Starting new medication, balancing the rest. Experiencing mood episodes with the new medication in my system. Getting a new (to me) laptop, after I burned out my poor poor old one (I miss it still). I know I'm bipolar. Or have it. Or whatever. And I know I'm this... mish mash of ADHD/autism. And in my time away, one of the things I came to learn is I was a PDD NOS kid. I've never needed to get an evaluation for autism done as an adult. I don't even have to dig up my old school records, although I may, just to confirm. But I've compared a lot of notes between my mother and sister and some other people who've known me that long. This is pretty significant to me, since I was debating trying to push for an assessment of some kind as an adult. There's downsides to that. Now I don't feel any need to, the validation I was seeking is already there. It's been there all along. I was so advanced in a lot of areas. Average/lagging slightly in others (which I would go to catch up on, and advance in). Those were all academic, though. And I taught myself to read, mostly, when I was a toddler. The real lags were things like emotional regulation, social interaction, I could get really good at doing things for myself like going to the toilet and washing myself and hair in the bath but then the skill would deteriorate pretty quickly if I was left to maintain the skill/habit on my own. And just, speaking from an adult perspective, I'm pretty sure there's something up with the signals between my brain and my bladder, and then the ADHD doesn't help at all. Speaking of which, excuse me. Back. Anyway, nobody wanted to weigh down a "girl" who taught himself to read as a toddler, never lost or lagged in speech (in fact was always advanced), was reading giant old collections of 1001 Arabian Knights and Grimm's Fairy Tales printed in the 70s by the time he was halfway through elementary school (inside the library, hiding away from everyone, instead of going outside for recess), with something like autism. Apparently. And my dad at least was also very against medication solutions. I'm still not so sure on that point, but I don't like... disagree with all the choices my parents made for me, at the same time, you know? Even dad, in his own way, has always trying to genuinely do what he thinks is best for me. I've always known that. Anyway, I did get the gifted education program out of it, and other things, which I in retrospect I love very much. But one of the things about being unintelligible from your peers (BHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah as if) is you get sent off into the adult world expected to Do Adulting Things and without any support. Also I used to have a pretty bad chip on my shoulder about author/ah/taye *spits*. I may still have traces of that one (and glad of it, because I can be assertive). And, well, as such a thing can do, I think the combination of that plus my mood disorder/bipolar stuff just... yeah, autistic burnout. Serious autistic burnout. Since, like, 2013, I think. I think 2013 is when it started setting in really heavily. And I've been going through burnout ever since. There's been additional stresses too, some out of my control some within. But burnout, yes, I think has been a major factor. And in the midst of that being retriggered for two years about my abusive childhood. And my laptop died in 2014. Needless to say, I've been pretty lonely. And in my experience, it's entirely possible to be speechless without losing the ability to speak or make sense of the words. Apparently. Going to counselling was frustrating, because I never seemed to be able to get the counsellor to understand my problem. I couldn't manage to articulate it to myself. I could see it just fine, in my mind, though. To pull this all together and wrap it up... starting in spring, Elders in my community started shaking things up around spring of this year. Raining down fire, shaking up the ground. This is what Elders should do, when it is necessary, and true Elders will Know when it is necessary. Trust is the key. (I am the brushfire. I am the blackened earth.) I know what to do when this kind of thing happens. I know it's hard, and I know I'm going to be passing through the flames once more. But this time, I didn't fight it. And this time, I didn't watch my whole life go up in flames again. For the third time my life burned, and I gave myself up to it right away, and here I am. I haven't lost anything except exactly what I needed to lose. The stagnancy. It's slow going, rebuilding a life after the kind of burnout and things I've just been through. But I'm in a perfect position to do it now. Just got onto disability, am on programs with social workers now, have medications that work well for me, doctors that work well with me. A family that supports me. I know how to advocate for myself even when I am very ill. I can do this. Slow going is what I need. I'm becoming more organized on a fundamental level than I've ever managed to achieve, on my own, before. That I can recall. I've made my bed every morning for weeks now. I'm out of the habit of showering, but I'm pretty sure how I can encourage myself back into it again, and I've been doing amazing things with skincare for my face anyway. Which, by the way, includes major improvement on the skin picking front. I almost don't do it at all anymore. And I totally pulled this off on my own, with a newfound passion for make up art and skin care. I have always been fabulous, and now I am moreso. It is very grand. One of the things I need in my life is this place. I'm trying to teach myself how to divide and organize my time and energy, among online places, among friends both near and far, among stuff I need to do online and stuff I need to do offline. Which means I can't obsessively read CBs like I used to do. Which is probably a very healthy thing for me right now. But still. It means I will continue to pop in and out. Be here and there. You are more than welcome to contact me directly if you wish to catch up/converse specifically. One of the things I need in my life is to maintain social ties with friends who understand me easily.
  15. I wasn't stepping in to correct anyone, just to be clear. I am personally not able to dedicate as much time as I would like to this place, as I have many things in my life right now that I'm busy with, and this means I'm not as able to keep up with what my fellow CBers have been like lately. (Basically: I know that you know better than me on this point.) My intentions were to supplement, not contradict. Saying the same thing in a different way. That's all. I have felt myself in agreement with the other responses to the thread as well, and I apologize for not making that clear enough.