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About lifequake

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    West Coast, USA

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  1. Exercise is a no-go, as I won't be able to get up without being monitored. Watch me jump up and start pacing! lol @Wonderful.Cheese Thank you. Calling would have been smart, but they are closed. I know I need the meds to not be totally bat-shit there, but the thought of sitting still for even a few hours (meds or not) is a joke. @argh I guess I could ask for propranolol. I'm already assuming I won't actually seize there, so it feels like a bit of a waste. Oh well.
  2. I'm looking for advice that doesn't come from my broken brain: I was prescribed Keppra, Invega, and Klonopin three days ago. I never started the Keppra (fear), and am going to an epilepsy clinic tomorrow for 2-7 day vEEG. Invega (1.5 mg) has mostly cleared up the psychosis, but I have akathisia. Klonopin helps, but I still must be able to pace, move around, smoke, jump from one activity to the next. I'm terrified of trying to sit still in bed for days. It's like ants eating my bones. And then I wonder about if they d/c the kpin during that time... So my insane self is considering not taking Invega tonight. Advice or thoughts?
  3. Read this and wanted to check in. Let you know you are seen. When I am flooded with emotion and having suicidal urges, I try to ask myself, "Do I really want A) to put a permanent end to my life, or do I B) want the pain/intensity to be less?" If it's option A, then go to the ER or call 911. If it's option B, you've got options. It sounds like you are feeling very overwhelmed, and that the upcoming job is a big trigger. It's okay to need to talk to someone (your boyfriend, a crisis hotline, etc). You are strong, supported, and can handle this. Even if handling it means asking for help or saying, "I need reassurance or coping skills or fill-in-the-blank." Be safe.
  4. ECT

    Thank you for the well-wishes, @ilovemusic123. I clearly have strong opinions about ECT, even if I am in the minority here. No psychiatrist or hospital will warn of severe retrograde memory loss (decades), ongoing anterograde amnesia, processing deficits, aphasia, seizures/epilepsy, heart arrhythmia, apathy, personality change, loss of any or all of the following: education, creativity, intelligence, emotional range, social and communication skills. I do not know how to move forward.
  5. @browri Thank you mucho for that information. Anticholinergics are quite high on the no-no list for TBI. I feel like any shot at quality of life has gone down the drain. Tired of existing in this vacuum post-electrical lobotomy. It's the cruelest thing one could inflict upon another human being. Sorry, needed a rant.
  6. My mom died.

    Tears flowing reading this, saoirse. I am sorry for your loss, the unanswered questions, and the waves of emotion and pain you must be feeling. I once heard someone say that the grief we feel is in proportion to the love we felt. Thinking of you.
  7. 5 mg Trintellix. Started on day 2 of taking it. I ended up involuntarily hospitalized, and guess what? No more Trintellix, no more akathisia/RLS. Every pdoc who says my reactions are "not typical" or "can't happen" can eat my socks. heh
  8. I stopped the Trintellix. Praying the akathisia torture won't last more than a few days to a week. There have to be alternatives.
  9. Living with the horrible akathisia and restlessness feels like a non-option. But clearly can't go on the way I've been living. Catch-22. Took gabapentin, requip, propranolol and still want to run in place and peel the skin off my entire body.
  10. I am on Day 3 of Trintellix, and the restless legs are torture. It's often in my arms, too. Like bugs crawling on my bones. Constant at night, when sitting, or when anxiety spikes. Afraid to contact pdoc. Afraid to take another pill. I want the feeling to be over NOW. I self-medicated with former propranolol and requip Rx's to get through yesterday and last night. My life is so far down the drain after ECT brain damage and TBI. I don't feel suicidal in this moment, but OBGYN and parents urged hospitalization yesterday. Been such a sobbing, psychotic, raging maniac. But I have fucked over all treatment options presented due to fear and intense mistrust of doctors and psychiatry after ECT ruined my life. Trouble making decisions because I am so dependent, cognitively screwed, panicky, violent, aggressive, agitated, depressed. I don't know what to do.
  11. I always had a family member drop off my birth control, as it was something the psych hospital did not carry. They sent it down to the hospital pharmacy for verification and would then administer it once approved as not being crack haha. Process would take a day or so. They gave me my thyroid med when I was taking it after performing labs and after pdoc authorization. Honestly, I think going IP is like playing the lottery. Sometimes you're heard and treated like a human being. Other times, you get an invalidating pdoc and shuffle through the system like a piece of meat on a conveyor belt. Worst case scenario, they lose or do not authorize the Rx, and you'd have to get a new fill from your outside doc upon release.
  12. Going to treatment

    @becca129 I went to Center for Discovery near Sacramento, CA. It feels like several lifetimes ago. If you have questions about ED residential or treatment options (or just need to vent), feel free to PM me.
  13. Like you, I have gotten akathisia on all atypicals and thus tolerate them poorly (e.g. max out on Zyprexa at 1.25 mg). When one is pacing like a caged animal, swinging one's legs in chairs, and writhing in agony lying in bed nightly, it becomes a serious quality of life issue. Frankly, it really gets my goat that your pdoc is not hearing your concerns and understanding the torture that is akathisia. A new pdoc recently convinced me to retry 10 mg of Latuda on an empty stomach (so it would, in effect, be more like 5 mg), and I was reminded that crippling symptoms are almost preferable to bone-burning-ant-crawling akathisia. Going into the med trial with full optimism is your best bet, but experience tells me to suggest a sensible PRN and back-up strategy coordinated with your pdoc. Good luck.
  14. This is my darkest night of the soul.