Chantho

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About Chantho

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    Indiana
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    Reading

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  1. It drives me crazy when someone does this, but the original post makes me uncomfortable to share. I changed my mind. I'm sorry.
  2. I'm honestly not sure when they intensified. I know that I've always... watched him. Two years ago, I said something that made it obvious that there was something, but I told myself it didn't mean anything, while I still looked forward to every Facebook post, every chance to see him. I told myself it was just because he was a friend. I don't know if it was always more, and I was kidding myself until things shifted, or if these are new feelings that feel similar. I did the math a couple weeks ago to see if I could afford to be a single mom if I got a specific job and to see if he can afford child support. The numbers all worked. It's just... I can't even keep a stable home without a job. What would happen if I started working 40 hours a week? I really don't think it would be good. And I'm still attached to him. I'm used to him being in my bed. I'm used to calling him to talk while he's on the road, and I'm doing my thing. I'm used to having him to hug me when I need it. I don't know if I could deal with being alone.
  3. Thanks. I really, really needed to verbalize all this.
  4. I'm really not, but it's all I've known for 9 years. I now understand the people who are unhappy who don't do anything to change their situation. It's scary AF.
  5. Well, two problems, really. I can't go into too much detail, just in case anyone on here would recognize the background story and put things together. I met a group of people 9 years ago. Most of them are great people. Through them, I met my husband a couple weeks later. One of them, though, caught my attention. I thought about asking him out, but he was difficult to read. When I met my now-husband, there was a powerful and obvious connection. There was no doubt he was interested. So, I pursued him. The first guy was my husband's closest friend. I found out down the road that he had, in fact, been interested. Interested enough that it nearly drove a wedge between them. Knowing more about him, I'm certain we wouldn't have been suited to each other in the long run, so I let it go even though I was (am) still attracted to him. But I always cared deeply for him. I've said some things that have made it obvious (to everyone but me) that there was more than friendship or attraction. I'm starting to see it, though. I'm not saying I'm in love with him or want to be with him, but there are feelings there. He knows (long story) that I am attracted to him. He may have put it together. In case he hasn't, I now need to be careful in my interactions not to show too much concern for him. I don't know how long the romantic feelings have existed. I always just thought he was a close friend to whom I was attracted. But I opened a can of worms recently, and it's obvious to me, and I really don't know what to do about it. It's especially hard, because my feelings for my husband aren't what they were. I've been trying to make it work, because up until recently, I was always happy despite the problems. I'm not so happy anymore. Unfortunately, I may be trapped. I don't have a good work history, especially as I've been unemployed for the past 4 years (excluding 3 weeks last summer). Even if I got a job, I'm not 100% certain, I'd be able to afford to take care of the boys mostly on my own. I'm not saying I want to leave for him. That is a relationship that could never be even *if* it could conceivably work out (which it wouldn't). These two issues are connected, though. I really don't know what to do. I may not do anything. Please don't judge me. I didn't seek romance outside of the relationship on purpose. I wasn't even aware that these feelings were forming/had formed. I never believed that was possible, but apparently it is for me. I feel like a horrible person.
  6. He gets days off all the time. Partial ones twice a week. Then he gets a full one about once a month. I haven't had a full day off in six months to a year. I asked for one. One. He said it would be fine. I made plans to see a friend I'd not seen in 6 years. Then he got called into work for a small load. He'll probably make about $150 (he usually makes twice that). Naturally, he said yes. He "conferred" with me, but really that was just to ignore my protests and anger just to say yes anyway. I'm so tired of coming in last. 

    1. Show previous comments  1 more
    2. M@ri

      [email protected]

      I don't think it's selfish to have a day off a week, let alone one in six years. Sounds frustrating as hell. 

    3. Chantho

      Chantho

      six months. Man I'd be pissed if it were years. 

      Ah, since I'd seen the friend. 

    4. M@ri

      [email protected]

      Wow, I read that wrong. Still, that's an awfully long time without a day off.

  7. I was assertive with my sister today. I also made it clear to family members that I didn't give two shits what they thought of my current look (*gasp* teal highlights). Not in the most clever of ways, but it was gutsy for me.

    1. Geek

      Geek

      Woohoo! Good job Chantho!

    2. saintalto

      saintalto

      I'm glad you were assertive, you should decide your own hair color.

  8. Thanks. The lighting doesn't show it well, but it's actually more on the teal side.
  9. I wasn't actually grumpy. I just don't have a happy face unless I'm euphoric.
  10. My boobs are Hydra sympathizers. I have this necklace http://www.thinkgeek.com/images/products/frontsquare/htms_marvel_shield_vs_hydra_alleg_pendant_anim.gif , and my durn boobs flip it to the Hydra side several times a day. (Given the current climate and who Hydra has stood with in history, I don't want to display that emblem.)

  11. Minor self-annoyance: I wasted some money, time, and, but it was only about $12 and maybe 50 minutes in three sessions, so it's not that big a deal. I got my nostril pierced. My grandma has always been disturbed by piercings. I decided that I would wait a couple months to visit her, and then get a retainer. I did that, and she didn't notice. Cool beans. I'm going to be seeing her again this weekend, so I went to grab my retainer to take to the shop for changing (I can't figure out how to get the damn screws in and out). Couldn't find it, so I bought a new one. This one had a tiny jewel that I thought would be not-so-noticeable. It is actually more noticeable than my larger opal was. That was $6 gone-ish (hey, I've still got a cute screw). So, I called my grandma to see if they still disturbed her and how much. I figured I'd eat the cost and buy another retainer if need be. Turns out she's really only disturbed by multiple lip piercings, eyebrow piercings, and large gauges. So, I could have worn my original jewelry this entire time. Would've saved me some pain, too (five months later, and it still hurts to remove/replace the jewelry). C'est la vie!
  12. I wonder if I could work full time and manage a household as well as I manage it now. I don't think I can, but I may need to. I'm not happy. My kids are being affected by the problems and will continue to be as they get older. But I'm already bad at keeping a home clean and running smoothly without a job. I don't know what to do. Maybe I'll just keep trying to let go of the expectations that I know are reasonable. Wonderful caricature of intimacy.

    1. Wonderful.Cheese

      Wonderful.Cheese

      I often wonder if I could work too. But then I get smacked with reality. I can barely keep up a household too. I'm sorry you are not happy. I worry about money too. I hope you can find a good solution. Could you try part time work with a job coach? I'm considering that in the future. It's hard.

    2. Chantho

      Chantho

      I don't think they have anything like that in our area for people with mental illness, just developmental disabilities. For the first time in 8 years, there was a perfunctory change at the very least. Maybe I finally made myself heard.

  13. Updating for fun. Psych meds Wellbutrin 150 mg/morning, 75 mg/noon - Depression (wish it would bloody work) Buspar 7.5 mg/morning, 15 mg/bedtime - Anxiety Lamictal 200 mg - Mood stabilizer Loxapine 10 mg, PRN - anti-mania (hypo, actually) Other meds Iron 65 mg - Anemia One-A-Day multi-vitamin - I don't get enough of pretty much anything in my diet most of the time. For now, 6-day prednisone pack - bronchitis For now, Tesselon pearls - bronchitis (cough supressant) Aside from the Welly, everything works pretty well. Buspar could work better, tbh, but it brings me from anxiety that keeps me up until 2 AM to anxiety that's just there and sometimes gets unmanageable.
  14. I don't think there are many feelings better than waking up out of a depressed episode. Everything works. You actually give a damn about anything. My moving out of an episode tends to bring small ups and downs, so there will be blue days here and there for awhile, but I'm looking forward to baseline. May it last.

  15. Hospital pdocs have been the least helpful but not horribly so. I used to see one private practice pdoc, and he was good at first, but things got a little wacky. When the depression side of things wouldn't respond to an anti-depressant, he'd just add another. I was on three ADs at once, none of which were helping. He would ask me if there was any med I'd read about and would like to give a shot. That was pretty cool. My pdocs through the local clinic have been good, but the ones that worked with me in ER/hospital contexts weren't great. One misread my chart and told me to double one med thinking I was taking 10 mg rather than 40 mg. I noticed the mistake when it clicked that he'd told me to "increase" my Lamictal from 200 mg to 150 mg. Something was definitely not right. Could've been bad if he hadn't misread both and just had me make a massive jump on my AP.