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About Chantho

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  1. I haven't talked to my pdoc yet. I'm not even sure whether I have one right now. The one I was seeing is leaving or has left, but I won't see my new pdoc until September. I don't know if I'm considered his patient yet or not, since I've never seen him. I could start taking my prn again, since it is an ap, but I don't know if my dose is enough to help. All that happened when I was taking it was switching to a mixed episode from hypomania. I think I just have to wait this one out like I did the one a couple years ago. At least I have support near by. Kind of. They don't know how bad it gets, and I don't want them to if I can avoid it (aside from hubs, anyway). With the funeral, I won't be able to give anyone a reason for my absence, and I doubt it would be good enough anyway if I did. I don't want to make them hate me even more, and that's what will happen. So, I have no choice. I just have to hold it together. I may go back on my prn if hubs can drive me to the funeral and my in-laws can keep the boys for the day (it makes me way too drowsy to drive). We'll see.
  2. I still haven't figured out if this is just anxiety or not, but it doesn't matter. It's affecting me. I felt like bugs were biting me all over. I scratched myself so hard that I drew blood. Quite a bit of it. I'm I don't even know. It's the sounds. The noise. It's too much. And the kids are being louder, shriller than usual, and every sound they make assaults my entire body. I can't think straight. I can't focus. I'm going crazy, and I have to drive 70 minutes away Saturday for my grandpa's funeral, and I can't miss it, and there's no one to go with me, and I feel like a failure for not knowing if I can do it or not. I'm trying to hide in music, but I can still hear the yelling, and they won't be quiet no matter what I do. Also, my headphone jack on my phone doesn't work, so I can't take my music with me, meaning I'm either trapped attached to my computer, or I can't listen to music. I feel like a crazed lunatic. I'm doing that thing where I'm convinced my family hates me and wants me dead. I'm afraid to go to the funeral. I'm afraid they'll confront me. I don't even know why I'm posting. I just need to get this out.
  3. If the thoughts get to that state where they're mildly active (going over plans in my head, etc) or if the irritability gets beyond what I can handle, I'll try the chat line.
  4. I've been taking my PRN. Clinic is closed except "crisis intervention" who will just send me to the ER, which I don't need. I'm so not spending $1500 just to be sent home. I have to just get through this until Fuck. Wednesday. I thought it was Monday. Then I remembered my pdoc isn't in on Monday, so I thought Tuesday, but that's the 4th. Dammit. So, yeah. I can get in touch with someone Wednesday.
  5. Humor is subjective, so I wouldn't exactly say my therapists had a sense of humor, but my most recent one laughed at my jokes often. I didn't really joke much with other therapists, and I don't recall them joking with me. Everyone has a different style. It is possible that they don't find humor in the same things you do. It's also possible that they're not wanting to encourage avoiding serious issues. It's hard to say.
  6. Is there even a difference? I have never been able to understand. I'm wired. Angry. Anxious. Agitated. Can't focus. I feel like running a block, and I am incapable of doing that, so I feel like a piece of crap over that. I'm yelling at the boys. I used corporal punishment. I almost never do that. And this time it was in anger, too. I feel like a horrible mother. I know there are worse mothers, but that doesn't mean I'm not bad. I hate myself, and I want to challenge the thoughts, but I can't get over them. They're my reality. I'm having passive SI. I want to destroy things. I want to eat everything in sight and get drunk out of my mind, but I can't because I'm fat, and I'm trying to fix that, but I probably won't be able to anyway, so I don't know what's the point. Screw it. I don't even really have a question other than the first one. I'm just complaining. I'm one of those bad people my aunt posted about the other day who complains. I don't even really have anything to complain about. I'm able-bodied. I have a home, food, clothes, luxuries. I have two great kids. Sure one of them still poops in his pants at almost-8, and the other inherited my temper, but they love me for some reason. I would have put this in my blog, but people are expressing disappointment in the deadness of the boards, so I thought I'd post. If this doesn't belong here, I'll stick it in my blog and delete the text. Maybe I'll put a funny joke in its place.
  7. Feeling great atm. Went to the gym. Did 30 minutes on the treadmill walking 2 mph (I know it's not fast for a lot of people, but it is for me). Then I did 30 minutes on the recumbent bike at 10 mph. I didn't overdo it despite being hypo. I'm glad for that.
  8. My cycling is not usually that rapid, but it can be quite rapid. It's not unheard of for me to be hypo for a couple weeks and depressed immediately for anywhere from a couple weeks to six months. Thankfully, my meds control it fairly well... when I'm compliant.
  9. A lot of times, what I want to post is too much for a thread. Often there's no clear question or even point. It's just goings-on, feelings, etc, so I put it in a blog post. I usually do try to comment here and there, but I have been semi-absent of late. Sometimes, I just have nothing useful to say.
  10. Usually calming down takes getting out of the situation that's scaring me or getting proof that my fears weren't real. Even still, there's a nagging fear that the thoughts were right all along for a long while.
  11. I'm experiencing what I think may be pre-depression signs. General mood decline, though technically not depressed. Also, I'm starting to isolate a little. I should adjust that. Maybe it'll help.

  12. If you like them, sugar snap peas are pretty good for satisfying the urge to absent-mindedly eat for me. Today I got out half a serving (1/2 c) and munched on them. They took the edge off the hunger and, more importantly, squashed the urge to just *snack*. Measuring an appropriate amount ahead of time and putting the bag away helped keep me in line. They're pretty good for vitamin C, too. Another thing I do is either drink some cold water or a cup of black coffee. Both help sometimes.
  13. Apart from a crash, my mood states all tend to run like this. Depression-baseline baseline-hypomania. But, they're usually small ups and downs during this time. I hope that if you are on an upswing, that the med adjustments will squash it. Take care.
  14. I don't know if there's a rule against recommending other forums in the threads, but there's a forum I use. It helps me a lot when I'm stable or in a mild episode. I haven't gotten to the point where I use it when I'm very unwell. It's gotten me to the point where it doesn't get as bad as it was when I first joined. If you like, I could PM you (unless an admin/mod tells me that's a no-no) the link. It's a great place with lots of very supportive people.
  15. Getting real tired of your shit, body. What do you need that I'm not giving you enough of?