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About MellaBlue

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  1. My dad called me a "fucking nutcase" once. He's not the parent that matters so I don't expect much from him. I told him I couldn't wait to pull the plug when he's on his deathbed. My best friend told me I would have to find someone very tolerant. That was the worst thing she ever said to me but she didn't mean it in a mean way.
  2. I see my doctor every 4 months. A lot can happen in 4 months. I just saw him in July. The last time I was depressed he didn't change my meds he just suggested I join a bowling league. I've gone through periods where I didn't feel like reading but I felt really good. not mania or hypomania just giddiness. I feel very strange.
  3. I've been doing really well for 19 months. Functional and happy. But that's all over now. It's been so long that I've forgotten what depression feels like so I'm not sure if I'm depressed or not. I'm definitely feeling anhedonia and boredom. Kind of numb and blank. I'm on Geodon and it has worked for the most part. I can't seem to read anymore and that is how I spend most of my time so now I'm at sea.
  4. How are you?

    I'm also bored. I felt anxious earlier but now I feel like I have an overabundance of time.
  5. I tried lithium for about two months but I was depressed because I lived with my parents in a depressing small town.
  6. I love hypomania. I'm functional and it feels so good
  7. I'm on Geodon and it doesn't do anything for my depression. But I no longer get manic or hypomanic. I haven't been manic since the fall of 2011. I was super functional, worked 3 jobs and was very loquacious. With the geodon I have no sex drive to the point that I now identify as asexual. I was better off without the medicine. I miss the mania. It feels so good like a natural high. Except for spending money recklessly. Does anyone else feel this way?
  8. I have 3 friends but they're all busy working and dating and having a life. I don't really like people. I'd say the danger is if what if you need a favor? In college before I made friends I had to get my car fixed and I had no one to drive me home and back to the dealership. A guy that worked there had to drive me home and pick me back up the next morning. Embarrassing.
  9. I've been on Luvox, zoloft and risperdal. They caused weight gain and mania. I like the geodon because it's weight neutral. I tried Lithium but it didn't do anything but cause dry mouth. I live in a small town and there's not a lot of resources. I was volunteering at a cat shelter but I got burnt out. Before this latest episode I spent several weeks just not wanting to do anything. Boredom and tedium. I realized I had no reason to get out of bed and then all of a sudden I was depressed.
  10. I've filed for disability. And it was hard over Thanksgiving because my dad and my cousin's friend both work for Social Security and they were disparaging our area and talking about how people don't want to work. My parents pay my bills but I don't live with them.
  11. I'm 31 and the longest relationship I had lasted 4 months. I tried online dating and i had some success with it when i lived in Pittsburgh. I dated a woman when I was living with my parents but I couldn't sustain it because of my depression. I had nothing to offer her. One good thing about geodon is that it kills my sex drive so I have no need to date.
  12. Lonely but I hate people

    I have no friends just my parents. I'm lonely too but being around people just makes me feel worse.
  13. I was told I have bpd when I was 19 and I don't agree with that diagnosis. My symptoms have gotten worse as I've gotten older.