appleblossom

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About appleblossom

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  1. TRIGGER WARNING! Not sure how to tag a topic for triggers, but if you have an experience with assault this will be graphic and upsetting. So I have been hearing singing when I try to fall asleep. Really, really horrifying songs. They all have a different beat and melody; they sound like pop songs except for the lyrics. The last song described in graphic detail how he was going to pull out all my teeth and stick his penis down my throat while I choked on my own blood. Dismemberment, genital mutilation and cutting my breasts off while he raped me were also prominent themes. "You will not like it but we will, hahahaha!" is one of the lines I remember. Another is "We will find you alone, no one will know, but we'll hurt you and claw you." I keep telling myself that the voices are only articulating my worst fears, but the last voice said they were demons, and that physical bodies are not what they want; twisting a person's mind gives them the greatest satisfaction. I am totally normal when I'm awake; no hallucinations at all. As soon as I lie down, it starts again. It is creeping into my sanity. What if it is demons? I heard whispering and I thought I was hearing things again, so I looked over at husband and I saw his lips move as I heard "You have no future" and other lyrics from that song I never told him about. I DO NOT WANT to ever go back to the hospital. I just started Seroquel again; I am praying that will help. I'd rather get well at home. I told my husband to take me in only if I am a danger to myself or others. Anyone go thru anything similar?
  2. So lately I've been having a problem; when people talk to me it's difficult to understand what they mean. I visualize an infinite spectrum of meanings. I am to aware of what most people take for granted. I am not behaving crazy in any other way; No spending money, no inappropriate sexual behavior or believing other things that aren't true. My dilemma is that my last stay at the hospital was horrific. They moved women into the "violent and unstable" men's ward because of overcrowding. Three separate women told me they were nearly raped. One girl woke up with a guy on top of her. I don't want to go back; it is a terrifying, horrible place. Then they moved men from that ward into the "just depressed" ward where I was. I was so scared. I'm afraid to tell my my dr. because I think he'd send me back, even tho I am not at all a danger to myself or others.You have absolutely no rights in that hospital. You can sue afterwards I guess, but what happens to you will last forever and no amount of money can fix it. I already have PTSD. I know my thoughts are not normal, and I need a different anti-psychotic med. I am hoping these thoughts will go away on their own. Should I wait and see? The biggest fear in my life is going back to that place.
  3. Thanks for responding. It really did help me! I have been working so hard on not letting my weight dictate my self-worth and everything, but the comment about needing to lose 10 lbs came from my sister (who is very thin) and it just really brought back a lot of old feelings.
  4. So I was anorexic, not severely but always underweight (and I took a lot of pride in that) for about 13 years. I'm almost 30 now and I'm about ten pounds overweight since I've been on meds and afraid to leave the house. I hate myself. My body disgusts me. I remember a few years ago I swore I would kill myself if I ever got this fat. I only need to lose 10 lbs. And I wonder why, over 10 stupid f*cking pounds, I torture myself. I am extremely tempted to stop eating completely. I feel so much shame and failure. I have been made fun of my whole life doe being ugly and the one thing I could control was my weight and now that's gone too. I don't know how to get it thru my head that my weight doesn't define my worth. I don't judge other people that way. The only way I know how to control my weight is starvation or purging. I am so ugly. Any advice or experience would be greatly appreciated.
  5. I guess maybe making small goals and achieving them one at a time might give you guidance. Recently (after being in-patient for over a week) I thought maybe I would like to be a pharmacist someday. I did a lot of research, and I felt like I could work toward it. My family seems to to think this is a cute and totally unrealistic future. So I listen to them, because I know my "realistic" and theirs is different, and I don't trust my own judgement. However, I still plan to take the steps (get back in school, stay on meds, find a therapist, etc) and maybe they will all be surprised. Or maybe I'll fail. All I can offer is my personal experience, and at this point I am concentrating on accomplishing one thing at a time. I guess that is my advice.
  6. My husband knows enough to understand I need to be on meds, but he hates the side effects and criticizes me for not being myself. I'm sorry your wife doesn't understand that sometimes it is a long process to find pills that give you back your life instead of changing it for the worse.
  7. I remember when I was diagnosed about 4 years ago one of the many p-docs I saw told me that in 5 years they'd be able to (this is really dumbed down from what he actually said I think) map your brain and identify which meds would help specifically in the areas that were imbalanced. Until then mentally ill people have to be experimented upon until the magical combination of pills work for them. I don't mean to sound bitter, it just sucks that there isn't a less painful and time-consuming way to figure it out. I'm extremely grateful for my my meds right now. I don't think this country treats mental illness as a priority tho.
  8. Thank you all for the comments and advice. It is such a helpless feeling, knowing you are not there for someone when they need you to be, but being completely unable to do anything about it. I probably should mention my husband suffers from depression too, and since he just got insurance last month it's been untreated so far. Sometimes it feels like two drowning people desperately trying to keep each other alive. I wish sometimes he could know, without having to experience, the trauma of being hospitalized and how profoundly wrong I feel when my meds aren't right. I start worrying that I've lost myself completely and that the person he loved isn't even there anymore.
  9. Does anyone else have trouble with their significant other being supportive? My husband is usually very understanding and kind, but when a serious depressive episode hits, he becomes impatient and angry with me sometimes. It feels so unfair, like if I could be normal OBVIOUSLY I would choose to be. At the same time I know it must be exhausting to deal with someone who can't be relied on to even put her clothes on every day. I don't know how to react to this, no one wants to have to cling to the "in sickness and in health" clause. I'm just sick so much of the time. I feel so guilty for not being the person he married. Anyone else have to navigate this kind of situation?
  10. Latuda sounds really worth asking about. I have Medicare and Humana so maybe the cost wouldn't totally kill me. I really need something that won't destroy my concentration completely, and I just don't feel like myself at all on Geodon.
  11. Thank you to everyone who responded, it feels good just to be heard. I think that is a really good point about not changing everything at once. I wish I could just fix it all immediately but I doubt my pdoc would go along with that. I feel a lot more optimistic than I did yesterday.
  12. Hi, it's been a long time since I posted here. I was hospitalized a couple months ago and they changed all my meds, giving me Geodon and Trileptal. I'm not doing well. I'm under control but very depressed and, most disturbingly, I have no creativity, concentration or sex drive. Like, I can't read a book and I hate having sex with my husband. I feel like part of my brain has been hacked off. I don't feel like a real person anymore. I really want to just stop taking all my meds but I know how dangerous that would be for me. I guess I am just wondering if anyone has any similar experience with either Geodon or Trileptol. I'm seeing a new p-doc this week and I want him to change literally everything, even maybe go back to Seroquel, which I hated. I thought that was bad at the time but I have never felt like this before. I kind of want to die. I'm very nervous about this meeting because I don't know that he'll actually help me or if I even can be helped. Does anyone know if Lithium has such harsh side-effects? Off topic, I get so exhausted just trying to be "ok" that it is very frustrating and hard not to give up completely. I want to cry about how unfair it is, normal people get to have normal problems etc, but life is not fair. Thanks for letting me vent
  13. Thank you guys so much. I just needed sympathy from people who have been there and understand. It is really hard to explain stuff like this to people who haven't experienced it. I wish there was a way to "infect" someone with bi polar for like a couple days just so they get it! And yeah, I just got back on my meds thank god. I'll be honest with my pdoc. I don't want to lose control again. Thanks again everyone :-)
  14. Hi, I've been on here before and I've gone thru some bad stuff but I was doing ok for awhile. I ran out of my meds and started noticing some red flags again. Little things, but the one thing that strikes me that was one of the first signs of my last full-blown manic episode is that I am sexually attracted to like, everyone. I hate it. I am married but messed around with some disgusting guy at my roommate's house. It makes me sick. I've told my husband and he forgives me. I feel sick and ashamed. I've noticed that I'm turned on by people I never, ever normally would be. People on tv, people I know that I have always thought of strictly as friends. It doesn't sound like a big deal I guess, but it really disturbs me. I have been thinking about sex so much lately. Does anyone relate at all? I feel not like myself, but like I felt before when I went really crazy. I'm too embarrassed to bring it up to my family or p-doc (no t-doc, I get a new one next week). I feel overwhelmed by everything and I want to scream at and/or fuck everyone. Or just die. I feel so bad about myself and my feelings. I'll tell my doc about my suicidal thoughts but the sexual stuff I just don't think she'd understand (I live in a very rural area and my p-doc kind of sucks). I don't want to fall down the rabbit hole again. I don't want to see everyone in sexual terms. Sigh.
  15. I guess I can't offer any more wisdom than what others have said. I can tell you from personal experience that when you begin to think everyone is against you, that no one understands, etc., it is a pretty good sign that you have lost your own objectivity. I sincerely don't mean to sound cruel or judgmental, but I think you really need to logically examine what your loved ones are saying. You seem like a very intelligent person; Does it honestly make sense that your fam is all conspiring to make you feel crazy, or that maybe the people who love you most are concerned that you are drifting away from reality? I'm sure that you'd never tell a diabetic to stop taking their insulin. Our brains are the most complex organs we have so it stands to reason that just like a liver or kidney or whatever,the brain needs chemicals to normalize its function.