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About Cerberus

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    Not Entirely Human
  • Birthday 12/29/1966

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    The Abyssal Inn

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  1. WTF

    deeschmee - A gentleman is still a gentleman online. Accept no substitutes.
  2. Inanna - That is inexcusable incompetence on the part of your therapist. Medications for BPII are NOT equivalent to medications for MDD, and antidepressants are generally contraindicated. A demand that you remain meds-compliant on a meds regime based on an obvious misdiagnosis is ludicrous. It's a policy their medical malpractice insurance provider would frown upon, I feel certain, no matter how busy they may be.
  3. I might add a slightly less technical observation from what I read in your original post, one less focused on the specifics of the meds in question, and more on your overall approach to your condition. In general, one gets the impression that you are not approaching your condition as a matter to be dealt with in a comprehensive manner; instead, it sounds as though you are attempting to actually leverage what you consider your useful symptoms while mitigating those you find troublesome - in short, you're trying to game your illness. You say that you're trying to utilize the extra energy, and make reasonable choices, yet you're fighting back the insomnia and clearly are troubled by a struggle against "going higher" into mania. It is understandable if past negative experience with medications make you reluctant to follow a stable meds regime, and that can easily lead to poor meds compliance and what feels like a hopeless search for something that works. What you must understand, however, is that you can't make a deal with this devil. It's all or nothing. If you don't commit to treating your MI, and viewing both mania and depression in all their degrees as variations from the normal you want to maintain, you'll never find the peace you're looking for.
  4. If this is one of your strengths, consider writing for online outlets and blogging. There are books on how to tap into the money to be made in online writing gigs as well.
  5. You only draw one conclusion, and it's that the "powers that be" have engineered medication for mental illness as a form of eugenics? One hardly knows where to begin... First of all, FOR THE LOVE OF DOGBARKING PETE, VACCINES DO NOT FUCKING CAUSE AUTISM. If I hear one more person raise this utterly, completely, absolutely debunked falsehood on these boards again, I am going to do something rash. Whatever video you watched was horse shit, plain and simple. If that's what you're basing this theory on, it's based on nothing. Second, not all psychoactive medications have sexual side effects, those that do only affect a minority of users, and some medications actually have the effect of increasing libido, causing premature ejaculation, and similar effects. Not only this, but people taking these medications do, in fact, quite frequently become parents. I have two of my own. Third, the science of the human brain, as well as the science of genetics, is not far enough advanced at this point that the "powers that be" could even know what genes are "bad genes" in terms of mental health, and even if they did, the vast majority of research clearly indicates that most conditions may have both genetic and environmental causes. Fourth, psychoactive medications are not solely reserved for the "crazies". Antidepressants are prescribed widely across the population; central nervous system stimulants like ritalin and concerta) are routinely (and likely excessively) prescribed to "overactive" children, and drugs like valium and xanax are prescribed to people from all walks of life as a means to simply cope. If the plan were to prevent the nutjobs from reproducing, it ought to be happening to everybody. (It's not.) Fifth, who are these "powers that be", anyway? Big Pharma? The Government? (If so, which party? Or are we talking about the Deep State, the Shadow Government, the Illuminati? Our alien overlords? Our robot masters? Believe me, I can do this all. day.) Simply by propping your ludicrous notion up on the back of some unnamed and unnamable power-that-might-be, you mire it immediately and inextricably in the crackpot column. The reason we experience sexual side effects when taking these medications is that the affect the way neurotransmitters do their work in the brain - part of which work includes the rather fickle processes that govern human sexual response. Science doesn't fully understand it all yet. If it did, our medicines would be better adjusted to weed out the side-effects. For now, we have to take the rough with the smooth, and decide which sucks less, being crazypants, or not being as sexy as usual. Regardless of which of those conditions you choose, either would be just that little bit worse, in my opinion, with the addition of a tinfoil hat.
  6. farshad - It's not that we doubt that you came across sites in which you found information about sensitive serotonin receptors that don't get desensitized. Anything's possible. And we get that your hypothesis is that that is what is happening in your case. What we don't agree with is self-diagnosis in general. Neither you nor anyone here is qualified - and nothing on the Internet can make us so - of determining the cause of your malady. At Crazyboards, we are steadfast in the resolve that the path to wellness requires both personal involvement in your treatment and the care of a professional mental health care provider. So far, you are only demonstrating the first half of that equation, and it's not working for you. The fact that you're headed in the wrong direction is obvious to everyone here, which is why you're not getting the support you want. If you took your hypothesis and your internet evidence to a professional, and they explained to you that it wasn't a workable hypothesis, and why, would you call them "motherfuckin" idiots' also. even though they are experts in the field and you are not? Until you have found actual solid, peer-reviewed studies that demonstrate the scientific basis of your claims and any pharmacological approaches to treatment that may be professionally suggested, we're not going to entertain them here on an equal playing field with legitimate medical and pharmaceutical approaches to mental illness. I give you props for looking outside the bag to try to figure out what's going on in your head, but either go talk to an psychiatrist about your ideas or come back after you've obtained a doctorate. For now, I'm closing this thread because the only thing you've been able to do beyond your initial assertion is insult those who've answered you.
  7. So you sent a sample of your spit in a vial to 23andme, but you didn't read their fine-print disclaimer? Fine. Here's the first part of it, for our convenience and illumination. I have bolded the important bits: *The 23andMe PGS test uses qualitative genotyping to detect clinically relevant variants in the genomic DNA of adults from saliva collected using an FDA-cleared collection device (Oragene·DX model OGD-500.001) for the purpose of reporting and interpreting genetic health risks and reporting carrier status. It is not intended to diagnose any disease. The relevance of each report may vary based on ethnicity. Each genetic health risk report describes if a person has variants associated with a higher risk of developing a disease, but does not describe a person's overall risk of developing the disease. These reports are not intended to tell you anything about your current state of health, or to be used to make medical decisions, including whether or not you should take a medication or how much of a medication you should take. Our carrier status reports can be used to determine carrier status, but cannot determine if you have two copies of any genetic variant. These carrier reports are not intended to tell you anything about your risk for developing a disease in the future or anything about the health of your fetus, or your newborn child's risk of developing a particular disease later in life. In other words, nothing they provide allows you to interpret those findings in any meaningful way. That would require the assistance of a competent mental health professional, as we emphasized the last time you came to us with the cray-cray talk about shutting down all your serotonin, and yes, we do remember, and no, we aren't going to change our response. Serotonin is required for brain function. No serotonin, brain no function. Equation: (Brain - serononin = *~bzzt~*). Last laugh? Um.... no. It's not even funny.
  8. random thoughts!

    I wonder who came up with the phrase, "Now, then." Think it through.
  9. It cant be this hard

    LFA - You mention that you've tried the SNRIs barely - if you've only worked with SSRIs so far, this could have something to do with the lack of success. Serotonin is only one of the possible neurotransmitters suspected of involvement in depression. Other big culprits include Norepinephrine (the N in SNRI) and Dopamine. In my case, neither the SSRIs nor the SNRIs did any good, and only when my current pdoc ramped up my dosage of Effexor to the roof where it affects Dopamine did I begin to feel relief. Also, he combined that with a chaser of a central nervous system stimulant (first Adderall, then Vyvanse) to increase Dopamine release, and now I manage acceptably. You may wish to discuss with your pdoc what, exactly, his or her strategy is with your meds, and make sure you're doing some targeted trials rather than simple hit-or-miss attempts. It may be that your personal brain chemistry simply requires a more carefully studied approach. If it were me, I would certainly require an explanation from the pdoc as to why he or she believes past treatments have not been effective before trying something as drastic as ECT. Simply saying, "The other things didn't work" is not sufficient answer, in my book; they could say the same thing about a brick to the side of your head.
  10. Stigma

    We feel you. The problem with stigma isn't just the lack of understanding and education about MI out there, but the stereotypes we have to deal with, and, it has to be said, the fact that we do sometimes behave in ways that are unpredictable and strange, even if they don't seem so to ourselves. Also, not everyone is meds-compliant. If you establish a track record of always, always taking your meds on-time and on-dose, and your folks know it, you're less likely to get these questions a) because it will be assumed, and b) because the meds will actually be working. Of course, probably the best way to handle this situation is to (calmly) say, "Yes, I took my medication, and although I appreciate your concern for me, I would really like it if you wouldn't ask me that in the future. It makes me uncomfortable/hurts my feelings." Unless you in fact forgot to take your meds, in which case, say, "Oops! Thanks for the reminder!" and go take your meds, for pete's sake.
  11. I woke up in 2018 and ... I'm still crazy. Damn.

  12. Spokety - If you want to preemptively shut down anybody that doesn't say exactly what you want to hear, that's not how we roll at Crazyboards. Nor is it going to do you any good. In addition, as Rabbit37 says above, this site takes the position that psychoactive medications, taken as prescribed by a professional, are reasonably as safe and effective as the current state of scientific understanding of the brain allows. We don't entertain the notion that "meds destroyed my brain" without challenge from anyone, so if that's what you're after, you'll need to look elsewhere. If, however, you are open to possibly benefiting from the wide experience of our many members, then stick around and open your ears, and you may hear something that will help you. I might also add that the list of symptoms you describe aligns very closely with the criteria for a diagnosis of depression, so you may want to revisit your insistence that you are not depressed. You may want to talk to your care provider about antidepressants rather than antipsychotics. Cerberus Moderator
  13. Philosophin - You say in your first post that your husband makes enough money that there is no need for you to have to worry about making an income, and that he is fine with you not working as long as you are active and thriving. Your concern about SSI/SSDI seems to be based on what-if/worst-case-scenario fears. It seems to me that you should trust your instincts when you say that you feel that it's time to stop forcing yourself to endure the pain of trying to run the rat race. You don't have to. Volunteering has tons of advantages in a situation like yours. Stress is much reduced; you get to choose to do things you truly enjoy; and you stay active and connected. But wait, there's more! The experience you get is perfectly valid for resumes in the future. And on top of that, you meet like-minded people who may become friends who can network you into future job opportunities. Very often, it isn't the cold resume that gets someone a job, but rather the recommendation or referral from someone-who-knows-someone. Think of this as a strategic realignment of your tactics. It's okay for you to take some time to be you and to nurse your MI, even if you later decide to jump back into the work pool if an opportunity arises.
  14. I want to say how proud I am to share the boards with you, HB. You express very clearly a great deal of how I feel about my autism. You're a warrior, and you've been through some of the worst, yet you're still fighting for the right. Anyone who isn't inspired by you isn't paying attention. Analyzing things is a talent, and you do have it. It shows.
  15. Syzygy - Your question, I think, touches on the basic conundrum that faces all of us on the Spectrum. They do not understand us, and we do not understand them. There is a basic disconnect that we sense between ourselves and our fellow non-Spectrum humans that somehow we just can't seem to put a finger on, otherwise we would address it and more easily adapt to function within the broader social sphere. It is that disconnect that leaves me feeling that I am Not Entirely Human - I prefer to think of myself as not Homo sapien, but Homo sapien aspergensis, similar but different enough to require a separate taxonomical identification. Actually, it would be even easier in my mind to consider myself altogether alien, but I've got the blasted genes that say I'm close to human. I have not formed a personal theory of how neurotypicals think. I tend not to speculate, but rather try to form hypotheses by observation, through scientific method. So far, my observations of human behavior have proven baffling. I find them arbitrary, capricious, and above all, irrational. It's like trying to tell the time of day on a clock that is built to record time in 13 hours instead of 12. The time will almost never be correct, and even if you figure out the system, it will never not seem confusing. With regard to emotion specifically, I do think I grasp the difference at least in the abstract. Neurotypicals appear to possess an innate ability to process certain kinds of sensory input related to human expression - facial expression, vocal tonality, subtle body movement, and scent, that are signals of emotive communication. Similarly, they have an innate ability to produce those same signals in a coordinated fashion, without consciously thinking about it. Most of us on the Spectrum appear, depending on your point of view, to either lack these innate abilities, or to possess alternative mechanisms for communication - some have suggested mechanisms that are superior to the limbic-bound systems of the neurotypicals. Many of us have been able, with years of practice and close observation, to bridge the gap in communication by developing what I think of as a mental "database" of human emotions and their associated traits that we can cross-reference in our heads when dealing with neurotypicals. If an NT assumes an expression, I can mentally sort through my "database" of remembered instances of such expressions and cross-reference the way an NT in the past has turned out to react when showing a similar expression, or combination of expression, gesture, tone or scent. The more data I have accumulated over time, the more accurate my response. The difficulty with this method is that there will always be a microsecond's delay while I reference the database, a microsecond longer than it would take an NT to react naturally, and the NTs pick up on this delay, interpreting it negatively. Conversely, NTs do not appear to have an equal ability to adapt artificially to our style of thinking. In my experience, NT efforts to understand autistics are usually based in attempts at empathy, which strikes me as entirely the wrong end of the stick. Naturally, because they are NTs, they would imagine that empathy would be the optimal way to reach out to us, but we are, by our nature, not strongly empathetic beings. To approach us as systematic thinkers often simply does not occur to them. As they are by far the majority, they assume that their thought pattern is the "correct" or "optimal" or "right" one, and presume that we are the ones who would be just like them if it weren't for our "problem". Indeed, it does not occur to them that our "problem" is them and we do not, after all, suffer from some sort of learning disability or developmental delay. We have developed as we were meant to develop, because this is what we are. We are not as they. I think this is why I, and others, might tend to answer your question as we have. Our lifetime experience of trying not only to comprehend the minds of neurotypicals but also to live under the expectation that we must adapt to that mindset has left us feeling marginalized, segregated, misjudged, and angry (ironically, an emotional response - proving, contrary to some NT assumptions, that we do have emotions). I am not a neurotypical, and I do not want to be. Not only that, I increasingly do not see the need to adapt to their expectations in order to spare their feelings. Let them meet me in the middle. Let them figure out my mind, for I am as legitimate a person as any of them, just as I am. My mind is not deficient; if I lack some of their empathic ability, I surpass many of them in intellect. Fair trade, and I'll take that any day. So what if I'm in the minority? I'm uncommon in lots of ways. The neurotypical mind will always be a matter of great curiosity to me, and I suspect always a great source of bewilderment as I do not possess the mental gear to process its input. But that's fine. I'm not one of them, and it's not going to bother me any more than it is that I can't speak to giraffes. Dolphins, on the other hand...