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About Cerberus

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    Not Entirely Human
  • Birthday 12/29/1966

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    The Abyssal Inn

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  1. casual jokes about your MI

    The problem with jokes from the non-mentally-interesting is that if we accept them we have to be careful not to encourage stereotype or stigma about mental illness. Although an average person might jokingly tell a friend who has done something silly, "That's retarded," the comment would instantly raise my hackles as an Aspie. "Retarded" and "retard" are the equivalent of the n-word in the autistic community. I suppose the degree to which one of us is open to MI jokes depends on how much he or she has suffered from the insensitivity of others about MI. In @echolocation's example, the friend's comment "your OCD is showing" is the same thing as saying "your illness is obvious". The fact that the statement was made by a close friend sympathetic to echolocation's condition makes the statement palatable; spoken by someone of less intimate connection, it might have taken on a different sense entirely. Personally, I find non-serious references to my MI by others very irritating, as I always take my condition seriously - I have to. Were I not constantly on guard against it, it would overwhelm me. Being under siege by my own enemy brain is not a laughing matter.
  2. HB - Your point about “not being the NT who knows it all about social norms begs a refinement. No NT, however well-studied or well-meaning, can ever truly appreciate the experience of being autistc - they simply do not possess the wiring. It is therefore not sensible to assume that thry are correct about this. Your observations come from a unique perspective, and it would be foolish to discount them. As to the specific question, human social and interpersonal structures and behaviors originated as basic survival advantages; for instance, it is easier for the whole tribe to kill the sabertoothed cat carrying Zog off by his neck than it would be for, say, Oop by himself (especially since Oop isn”t very practiced with a club and never much liked Zog in the first placr). In modern society, however, certain things no longer require a Village to accomplish. On the other hand, I might direct your consideration back to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs - take a look at it and ask yourself whether the entire hierarchy can be accomplished by an individual in isolatiom. A distaste for the social may well be an Aspie/HFA trait, but whether it always serves us well other than when we’re sick of suffering fools is a different question.
  3. patents - Look closely at the definition you found. The key phrase is "with an intent to die". Whether you have made what could be considered an attempt has everything to do with your intent. The details are unimportant. Whether what you did had a realistic chance of killing you, or whether it actually did or did not harm you, is immaterial; if you took the action with the intent and expectation that you would not be alive at the end of it, you made an attempt at suicide. Suicidal ideation is never a product of a well mind. It is always a signal of illness, and a clear sign that you are symptomatic when you feel it. You do not have to endure this. Call your pdoc right away and ask if there are other meds that may be more effective in managing your ideation. Your current meds regime is clearly ineffective, and something else needs to be tried. Crisis management is good, but living from crisis to crisis is not. There is relief available. Remember, suicide can't give you a better life - or any life at all.
  4. @notloki - That your pdoc would say with confidence that you will not be bothered by depression again is a remarkable statement. Given the duration of treatment that you cite, you must have endured multiple episodes of depression, and the conventional wisdom is that each successive episode increases the likelihood of relapse by a significant percentage until finally one is almost guaranteed to relapse. My depression began about a decade earlier than yours, and I've had so many successive bouts that I no longer think in terms of a life without the possibility of depression. Yet your pdoc is willing to take a position that you have achieved control-in-remission that is tantamount to cure after 30 years of progression? If so, that is an extraordinary claim. It becomes even more extraordinary coming from someone with your reputation for thoroughly vetted content. I am ecstatic for you if it proves accurate, but extraordinary claims do require extraordinary evidence. Can you elaborate further?
  5. At the top of the left-hand sidebar on the main page of the forum, you will find a yellow "Donate" button. All assistance gratefully accepted.
  6. Censer - You have made a number of statements in this thread that point very strongly, to an outside observer, to the conclusion that you are suffering very seriously from the symptoms of a major depressive episode. Your statements seem objective and sensible to you, experienced through the filter of your symptoms, but they are not. For instance, you say that it is an objective fact that the only solution to your life's problems is death. On the contrary, it is not a fact (there are solutions untried) and you are too symptomatic to be objective about the matter. If you consider the roots of your distress, I suspect you will realize that you do not want to die at all - you simply want the pain to stop. Although you may feel misunderstood because of your experiences with your care providers, I can tell you with absolute, unshakeable certainty that many people on this site understand you perfectly - because they have posted statements almost identical to yours in the past. There are members here who have faced down the exact same demons you are facing now for decades - I am among them, for 35 years - and learned how to survive with courage and determination and find purpose and meaning in their lives. So can you. Your words make it clear that you are in desperate pain, and very angry at those who you believe have not met their duty to care for you. That may be valid. It is not valid, however, to lash out at members here who are trying in good faith to help you by sharing their experience, and we must caution you to moderate your responses on these boards. At Crazyboards we do not delete accounts because of the damage the practice would do to the fabric of the shared dialogue in the board threads. You may edit the content of your posts, or if there is a particular post that should be removed from view because it compromises your identity or safety, you may contact any Moderator or Administrator. Cerberus Moderator
  7. crkirby1969 - Crazyboards is a first-person peer-to-peer support forum. We regret that we cannot entertain third-party inquiries, i.e., questions from another person about a person with mental illness. If your wife wishes to become a member and engage with our community, she will be most welcome. For yourself, I'm afraid you will need to find another resource. This topic is being closed. Cerberus Moderator
  8. Incels are Garbage.

    So "Involuntarily Celibate" is an identity now. I just... I... I swear I'm reaching some kind of tipping point. It's not going to be pretty. There will probably be headlines.
  9. What or who is your spirit animal?

    I have three that introduced themselves to me more or less at the same time: A ring-tailed lemur, a bat, and an albatross(!). I have no explanation, but they are a comfort.
  10. Your current dose of Effexor is indeed the lowest therapeutic dose, and you may get some greater relief from depression through a dosage increase. Be aware, however, that for some people, one side effect of Effexor is that it can delay or impede orgasm. Given that you're already reporting a problem in that department, the Effexor may not help you there.
  11. Judgemental prick at the CVS drive thru

    Highly inappropriate. You were right to be offended, but please don't let one moron spoil your day.
  12. Funky Music Videos

    Evidently, it's what happens when you wrap starfish around your temples and allow them to take control of your brain.
  13. I'm with Hopelessly Broken on this one, especially if what you're dealing with is runaway thinking patterns and overanalysis. It sounds as if you need to build in some cognitive filters or rumble strips or something to alert your meta-cognition that the thoughts are out of order. You have the power to govern them. You can erect mental routines to pause, redirect, vent, or repurpose that mental energy, and you can harness physical processes like purposed breathing to regain control. If you're not meditating regularly, you may want to try (I need to get back to doing more of this myself.) Think of the pills you take as seeds - you have to prepare the ground they're planted in for them to thrive.
  14. Funky Music Videos

    “Oh d-d-d-dear,” said Piglet, thinking that they might actually be a more disagreeable kind of heffalump, and hid inside a gorse-bush.
  15. I hate my mother.

    Ohh, darlin'... Toxic people are so hard when genes are involved, especially when it's close family. The usual cognitive defenses - the kinds of rational fallbacks that Gearhead talks about above - don't hold a lot of pull against a deep feeling that says, "but... but... that person is supposed to love me most." When that basic covenant is broken, and that need is unmet, it feels so fundamentally unnatural that no amount of explanation seems to settle the heart. The pain simply gets refreshed with each encounter that serves as a reminder that all is not as it should be. Possibly this is because the need does not diminish, and thus irrational hope persists, only to face repeated disappointment. Resentment, anger and hate naturally emerge against the person who should have met your need and continually, and apparently callously, fails. The trouble is that hate, anger and resentment corrode the spirit. You are complete in and of yourself, regardless of whether she supplied what a mother should supply, and I wish for your that you will be able to find a still point within you that you can retreat to each time thoughts of her or dealing with her become caustic to you. She cannot stir your waters unless to allow it. All her sound and fury signifies nothing if you are deaf to it. Determine how much you can allow yourself to be concerned, to care, and then do that and no more. You must care for you first.