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About Cerberus

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    Not Entirely Human
  • Birthday 12/29/1966

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    The Abyssal Inn

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  1. Funky Music Videos

    “Oh d-d-d-dear,” said Piglet, thinking that they might actually be a more disagreeable kind of heffalump, and hid inside a gorse-bush.
  2. I hate my mother.

    Ohh, darlin'... Toxic people are so hard when genes are involved, especially when it's close family. The usual cognitive defenses - the kinds of rational fallbacks that Gearhead talks about above - don't hold a lot of pull against a deep feeling that says, "but... but... that person is supposed to love me most." When that basic covenant is broken, and that need is unmet, it feels so fundamentally unnatural that no amount of explanation seems to settle the heart. The pain simply gets refreshed with each encounter that serves as a reminder that all is not as it should be. Possibly this is because the need does not diminish, and thus irrational hope persists, only to face repeated disappointment. Resentment, anger and hate naturally emerge against the person who should have met your need and continually, and apparently callously, fails. The trouble is that hate, anger and resentment corrode the spirit. You are complete in and of yourself, regardless of whether she supplied what a mother should supply, and I wish for your that you will be able to find a still point within you that you can retreat to each time thoughts of her or dealing with her become caustic to you. She cannot stir your waters unless to allow it. All her sound and fury signifies nothing if you are deaf to it. Determine how much you can allow yourself to be concerned, to care, and then do that and no more. You must care for you first.
  3. Pour bowlful of meds. Add milk. What is this "breakfast" you speak of? I go to the cabinet every single [expletive cheerfully {no, that's a lie, sourly} deleted] morning and dispense for myself one 500mg pill of B12 and one horse pill of a daily vitamin (either because my gdoc said to or because I was born in the Chinese Year of the Horse, I don't recall which and does it really matter at this point), three count 'em three capsules of yum-yum Effexor XR, one pill of Topamax, one pill of Adderall that I then break in half so I don't start grinding my own teeth to sand and put the other half back in the bottle for tomorrow and oh did I mention that last week I accidentally took four times my usual half-pill and I didn't even feel it, and my daily pill of Zirtec so the whole bloody planet doesn't climb into my sinuses and blow my head off, plus whatever antibiotic capsule I'm liable to be taking at the moment because my immune system is knackered. I get out my HIV pill and put it in my pocket in case I have to stay late at work. Then I take all the rest in one jolly fistful, put them all in my mouth, and swallow them down at once with a swig of whatever. Now that I think of it, I usually follow it by saying, "Bleh." Force of habit. Should I perchance miss this routine for two days straight, on the third day, without fail, brain zaps will begin, and if there were to be a fourth day, nausea that nothing will shake sets in until I restore my Effexor balance. Getting out of bed in the morning has become a daily battle. This morning, I said to the cat lying with me in the bed, "Once more into the breach, dear friend..." She gave me a look that said, "Have fun storming the castle," curled up and went back to sleep.
  4. Texas Gal - Psychological testing isn't like a blood test - it doesn't measure you and detect an absolute result like an identifiable bacteria in your bloodstream. Psychological testing provides your psychological/psychiatric care team a series of controlled, carefully targeted insights into your mental landscape. Think of it as a way of tuning out the random static that is in all of our brains for a short while, to help you and your team focus on some very specific questions about personality, drive, motivation, concentration, where your brain lands among the types of intelligences, where it sorts out between feeling and calculating, and a whole raft of other things that can be measured. It's pretty painless, actually. But here's the important thing: No, the really important thing: No, I mean it - the really-really-important-or-it-won't-work thing: You have to be completely honest with every question on every test. You can't let yourself overthink it. You can't let yourself second-guess it. You can't let yourself try to figure out what you think they want you to say. You can't try to game the tests in any way. And there's no need to at all, because they're completely harmless and non-judgmental, but some people (like my daughter ) just can't seem to take it at face value, and the result is that the evaluations end up not being as useful as they might have been. Personally, I've always looked forward to such testing, because it gives me a chance to understand a part of myself, to find the answers to questions I constantly ruminate over. I hope you find them as useful as I have.
  5. You should be able to obtain a copy of whatever FDA information was in the blue binder of FDA regulations by contacting the FDA with a Freedom Of Information Act (FOIA) request. They are legally obligated to provide the information if it is not of a Classified nature; this would not be.
  6. I'm 51 now, and I think I might have been happy once before puberty. Maybe. Or at least not miserable. So yes, I think of myself as a "lifer". EXCEPT - I believe in science. I hold out hope, however thin that thread of hope may be, that science will discover the causes and cures of our mental afflictions before our lives are over. Where there's life, there's hope. And in the meantime, if what I learn from surviving my MI can help another person travel easier on this road, then that itself explains to me why it was good that I should endure.
  7. My gross motor tics have always been dormant unless I'm heavily stressed, and then they roar to life. Usually my right shoulder will twitch upward or my head will twitch sideways to the right, or both, sometimes very suddenly, and sometimes violently. If it's really bad, the whole right arm can get involved. Mercifully, that kind of manifestation is rare. What isn't rare is the vocal tic, which comes across like a quiet, low growl at the very back of my throat. My younger brother also has a vocal tic like this, except his rises to a kind of high, warbling peak and sounds something like a wild turkey. He was at an outdoorsmen's convention not too long ago, minding his own business, when he happened to hear someone say, "I don't know who the dude making the turkey calls is, but I wish to hell he'd quit." My brother listened to try to figure out who the guy was talking about, until he realized that his friend who was with him, and was familiar with the tic, was trying very hard not to burst out laughing.
  8. Juniper - As the official poster boy of miasma and negative energy, I don't expect you to believe me (I sure as hell don't), but there is some scientific basis for thinking that some improvement in your mood can be achieved through positive thinking. This is not - not - to be construed as the ludicrous idea so many people try to to pass off on us that we can just "cheer up" or "snap out of it" or "shrug it off" or "let a smile be our umbrella" (sod you, Perry Como), but rather that making a personal decision that we are going to get better facilitates improvement. Maybe it's that you've set the stage for your Prozac to work better faster; maybe it's an example of the placebo effect; maybe it's an example of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in action; maybe it's an example of the effect of our influence over the quantum states of matter; who the hell knows? If you feel better, don't examine the gift horse's dental work. Just enjoy the day, take your meds, and carry on.
  9. What album best describes your MI?

    Tricky question, because I'm not sure it would be possible to write music to capture my MI - it's such a null space that melody couldn't exist. But for what resonates inside my hollow skull, you can try Enya's albums The Memory of Trees, Amarantine, and The Celts (in that order).
  10. Orangey - I wouldn't put too much stock in that theory. It's possible that your body and brain chemistry may have been stirred up by the physical response necessary to fight off the influenza, but nothing that happened will have done anything to actually rid your brain of BP. It's just as likely that your system is just too exhausted from the fight to take a run through Maniaville at the moment. Enjoy your respite nonetheless, and stay well.
  11. WTF

    deeschmee - A gentleman is still a gentleman online. Accept no substitutes.
  12. Inanna - That is inexcusable incompetence on the part of your therapist. Medications for BPII are NOT equivalent to medications for MDD, and antidepressants are generally contraindicated. A demand that you remain meds-compliant on a meds regime based on an obvious misdiagnosis is ludicrous. It's a policy their medical malpractice insurance provider would frown upon, I feel certain, no matter how busy they may be.
  13. I might add a slightly less technical observation from what I read in your original post, one less focused on the specifics of the meds in question, and more on your overall approach to your condition. In general, one gets the impression that you are not approaching your condition as a matter to be dealt with in a comprehensive manner; instead, it sounds as though you are attempting to actually leverage what you consider your useful symptoms while mitigating those you find troublesome - in short, you're trying to game your illness. You say that you're trying to utilize the extra energy, and make reasonable choices, yet you're fighting back the insomnia and clearly are troubled by a struggle against "going higher" into mania. It is understandable if past negative experience with medications make you reluctant to follow a stable meds regime, and that can easily lead to poor meds compliance and what feels like a hopeless search for something that works. What you must understand, however, is that you can't make a deal with this devil. It's all or nothing. If you don't commit to treating your MI, and viewing both mania and depression in all their degrees as variations from the normal you want to maintain, you'll never find the peace you're looking for.
  14. If this is one of your strengths, consider writing for online outlets and blogging. There are books on how to tap into the money to be made in online writing gigs as well.
  15. You only draw one conclusion, and it's that the "powers that be" have engineered medication for mental illness as a form of eugenics? One hardly knows where to begin... First of all, FOR THE LOVE OF DOGBARKING PETE, VACCINES DO NOT FUCKING CAUSE AUTISM. If I hear one more person raise this utterly, completely, absolutely debunked falsehood on these boards again, I am going to do something rash. Whatever video you watched was horse shit, plain and simple. If that's what you're basing this theory on, it's based on nothing. Second, not all psychoactive medications have sexual side effects, those that do only affect a minority of users, and some medications actually have the effect of increasing libido, causing premature ejaculation, and similar effects. Not only this, but people taking these medications do, in fact, quite frequently become parents. I have two of my own. Third, the science of the human brain, as well as the science of genetics, is not far enough advanced at this point that the "powers that be" could even know what genes are "bad genes" in terms of mental health, and even if they did, the vast majority of research clearly indicates that most conditions may have both genetic and environmental causes. Fourth, psychoactive medications are not solely reserved for the "crazies". Antidepressants are prescribed widely across the population; central nervous system stimulants like ritalin and concerta) are routinely (and likely excessively) prescribed to "overactive" children, and drugs like valium and xanax are prescribed to people from all walks of life as a means to simply cope. If the plan were to prevent the nutjobs from reproducing, it ought to be happening to everybody. (It's not.) Fifth, who are these "powers that be", anyway? Big Pharma? The Government? (If so, which party? Or are we talking about the Deep State, the Shadow Government, the Illuminati? Our alien overlords? Our robot masters? Believe me, I can do this all. day.) Simply by propping your ludicrous notion up on the back of some unnamed and unnamable power-that-might-be, you mire it immediately and inextricably in the crackpot column. The reason we experience sexual side effects when taking these medications is that the affect the way neurotransmitters do their work in the brain - part of which work includes the rather fickle processes that govern human sexual response. Science doesn't fully understand it all yet. If it did, our medicines would be better adjusted to weed out the side-effects. For now, we have to take the rough with the smooth, and decide which sucks less, being crazypants, or not being as sexy as usual. Regardless of which of those conditions you choose, either would be just that little bit worse, in my opinion, with the addition of a tinfoil hat.